Help, the other shoe on the holidays!

[parkers*momma]

This is a spin off from snoopy5386's thread. I hoping Someone can help me.

We used to be the family, before our children were born, that went here and there every Christmas. Once we started having children, I put my foot down and we stayed home with whoever wanted to come over was more than welcomed. It's been like this for years (29 years) and Christmas is so relaxing and fun.

Our children are 29, 25, 21, 16 and 8. Three of them are out on their own and we now have 4 adorable grandbabies. Ages 7, 5, 4, and 3. This is where the problem begins.

All of my children come home (with spouses and grandbabies) on Christmas Eve and spend the night so they can be here for Christmas Morning. I didn't mind it so much when they were childless but now it is really bothering me. First, I believe all babies should be in their own beds at home, awaking to all the gifts from Santa under their own trees, and enjoying all the fun that my children enjoyed growing up with traditions they carry on from here or create as a new family. I also feel bad because even tho Santa does come here, he never brings the grandbabies as much as he does for our youngest. (What the big kids have done in the past is drive home (they all live within 8 miles of us) and put everything under their own trees so when they finally do go home, Santa's presents will be waiting on their babies). It's not that the grandbabies have ever questioned it, but I'm sure the older two have noticed it. I just simply think the grandbabies should be home.

Last year, I point blank told my children how I felt. I told them I would still make the huge breakfast but closer to 11..12...1, or even plan a huge supper on Christmas Eve or night....whatever worked for them but I felt they needed to have their babies home enjoying Christmas as much as they(my Children) did when they were little. Their reaction...Disbelief that I would even think of such a thing! My oldest two even said, "Christmas won't be Christmas unless we are home waiting for Santa as a family." Don't get me wrong we have a great time...making cookies, fixing things for breakfast the next morning, watching our Christmas cartoon marathon, etc. It's not that I don't want them to come home, because I do! I just want them to our grandbabies in their own bed.

So recently, I thought I would be sneaky and try going to the spouses. I was sure they would agree with me..you know...MIL hogging the holidays and not being home with their own families until 4:00 or 5:00 on Christms day...NOT!!! They all said they do their parent either the weekend before or after Christmas so it doesn't bother them coming here.

I don't mind hosting Christmas, I don't mind that the children coming home, I just simply think it is time for them to start their own family traditions. Other than telling them that they CAN'T come home ( I would never do that) I don't know how to get through to them.

Any suggestions on how to convince my older children they really need to have their own babies home in their own beds waiting on Santa (sneaking peeks, hiding to bust Santa, all the things my children did when they were little) without just out and out saying they aren't welcome to spend Christmas Eve here.

Or am I just fussing over nothing?

 

[EthansMom]

I don't mind hosting Christmas, I don't mind that the children coming home, I just simply think it is time for them to start their own family traditions. Other than telling them that they CAN'T come home ( I would never do that) I don't know how to get through to them.

Any suggestions on how to convince my older children they really need to have their own babies home in their own beds waiting on Santa (sneaking peeks, hiding to bust Santa, all the things my children did when they were little) without just out and out saying they aren't welcome to spend Christmas Eve here.

Or am I just fussing over nothing?

Personally, I would try again if I were you.

Maybe send out a letter to all three of your grown children and TELL them that this year you would like them and their families to come to your house at X time on Christmas Day. Explain in your letter that you love having them all over at the house but would like them to start creating memories with their children on Christmas morning.

Everyone's afraid of change, but I'd be willing to bet that once you do it one year, your children (and their spouses) will find that Christmas morning at home is much more relaxing.

Good Luck!

 

[TwinsinCA]

I would be crushed if my mother didn't want me in her house over Christmas. There is simply no way to sugarcoat this without hurting them IMO. Going to Grandma's house IS their tradition. What is so wrong with that?

I read the "must be in their own beds" on Christmas Eve thing a LOT on here and I just don't get that. I would MUCH rather my children get to spend Christmas with their grandparents (from either side) than without any at all but in their own beds. But clearly my priorities are different.

Let them make their own traditions and if they want those to include you, let them. I just cannot fathom NOT wanting my children with me on Christmas morning no matter how old they are. I just can't. Sorry.

 

[Tricia819]

I see your point, they are grown children and you want them to have their own holiday traditions. I see it both ways, it's probably nice for children to not have to tear the grandbabies away from their presents to rush to your house. Also, then you have help to prepare Christmas breakfast. Whereas, if you changed it to Christmas dinner the kids could spend a leisurely day at their own homes and come over for dinner, but they would miss out on the togetherness of helping to prepare the meal. Good luck whatever you do decide.

 

[tzolkin]

Not sure if I read this correctly, but all the grandchildren live within a few miles of you? If that is the case than I don't see any reason why they wouldn't be willing to go home to sleep. It seems like it would be easier than bringing sleeping bags and presents to your house. That is what we do in my family. We are at grandma's for Christmas Eve, eat, go to church, open presents from family then go home to sleep. The kids open their presents and we have breakfast at home and then we usually go back to grandma's in the late afternoon. DH & I are quieter people than my family. I love to be around them and it wouldn't feel like a holiday if we weren't, but it's nice for us to have some quiet, relaxing time with our kids.

 

[parkers*momma]

I would be crushed if my mother didn't want me in her house over Christmas. There is simply no way to sugarcoat this without hurting them IMO. Going to Grandma's house IS their tradition. What is so wrong with that?

I read the "must be in their own beds" on Christmas Eve thing a LOT on here and I just don't get that. I would MUCH rather my children get to spend Christmas with their grandparents (from either side) than without any at all but in their own beds. But clearly my priorities are different.

Let them make their own traditions and if they want those to include you, let them. I just cannot fathom NOT wanting my children with me on Christmas morning no matter how old they are. I just can't. Sorry.

It's not that I don't want them over for Christmas...I would be crushed if they didn't come home at all. I just think it would be nice for their babies to experience Christmas at home. Waking up, stumbling out to the front room with sleepy eyes and experiencing the AWE when they see their tree light up with the gifts under it.

Instead, as it is now, they do that here and if they aren't one of the early risers, it's parents carrying their sleepy lil bodies downstairs. The only rule we have ever had...which is funny now to hear the big kids...was no one was allowed downstairs until the sun is up. Trust me, before day break you will hear them sneaking into each others rooms waking each other up and the minute the sun breaks the horizon they are like a stampede of elephants down the stairs. If lil Johnny isn't awake, they are carrying him downstairs...lol.

But you are right, maybe it is a tradition they want with their children to enjoy...sharing Christmas with all their aunts, uncles, cousins spending the night with Nana and Pawpaw.

 

[parkers*momma]

I see your point, they are grown children and you want them to have their own holiday traditions. I see it both ways, it's probably nice for children to not have to tear the grandbabies away from their presents to rush to your house. Also, then you have help to prepare Christmas breakfast. Whereas, if you changed it to Christmas dinner the kids could spend a leisurely day at their own homes and come over for dinner, but they would miss out on the togetherness of helping to prepare the meal. Good luck whatever you do decide.

You know I never thought of it that way. I guess our Christmas does involve more than the gifts. It does start around 5:00 Christmas Eve and extends to the late afternoon Christmas day. I guess I am just fussing over nothing. If it isn't a problem for their family, than I shouldn't worry about the babies missing out on this.

 

[parkers*momma]

Not sure if I read this correctly, but all the grandchildren live within a few miles of you? If that is the case than I don't see any reason why they wouldn't be willing to go home to sleep. It seems like it would be easier than bringing sleeping bags and presents to your house. That is what we do in my family. We are at grandma's for Christmas Eve, eat, go to church, open presents from family then go home to sleep. The kids open their presents and we have breakfast at home and then we usually go back to grandma's in the late afternoon. DH & I are quieter people than my family. I love to be around them and it wouldn't feel like a holiday if we weren't, but it's nice for us to have some quiet, relaxing time with our kids.

Yes, they all live within 8 miles of us.

Nope, no sleeping bags. The adult children and their spouse all sleep in the room they had as kids and the grandbabies sleep in the spare bedrooms. (we have 9 bedrooms-turn of the century home)

The only presents they bring are for the gift exchange. And the presents they take home are from the exchange, from us as parents, and gifts from Santa for the babies.-not as many as our 8 yo believer but they do get gifts from Santa here.

 

[Perditamarie]

As pp mentioned, I think they have started a tradition already!!! And it is straight from their childhood for their children to experience too, just not as you expected it! I think it is wonderful and you should enjoy it .....your kids are giving their kids wonderful memories with their grandparents that closely mirror their own childhood memories.

 

[Princess-in-Training]

I wish either my parents or DH's parents would want US to stay home... instead we get guilted by both sets about how its their turn to have us. And, honestly, we're a rambunctious group so I don't know why anyone wants us at all!

 

[minkydog]

I wish either my parents or DH's parents would want US to stay home... instead we get guilted by both sets about how its their turn to have us. And, honestly, we're a rambunctious group so I don't know why anyone wants us at all!

I know what you mean! I felt like I was doing everybody a favor when I put my foot down on traveling at Christmas

 

[matthew&haleysmom]

My inlaws live about 10 hours away from us. We used to visit during Christmas before having children. Once my oldest was 2, my MIL told DH & myself that we should stay home for Christmas. She believed that we should have DD at home for Christmas morning. I am so thankful that she did this!! Now, we have a 4 & 8 year old. They love to be home for Christmas morning. I know that my inlaws miss their grandchildren on Christmas; however, they spend every Thanksgiving with them.

My mom lives 1 block away. We call her as soon as the kids wake up. She comes to our house to open presents. As soon as we are done, the kids call their grandparents.

 

[adoptionmomma4]

I think your children have made a beautiful family tradition for their children. I imagine a full house with a loving family spending Christmas together. That is my dream. I want all of my children home every Christmas (and Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays…..). I know this is not likely going to be the case and it makes me sad to think about it. This is obviously what your children and their spouses want for their children. So if it doesn’t bother you to have them there, I would leave it as is. What wonderful memories your grandchildren will have of waking up at Grandma's on Christmas morning.

I asked my DS Justin 6 (at the time) last Christmas "when you grow up and get married are you going to come home for Christmas or go to your wife’s parents house?" He said "it all depends... can I bring my wife?" It was so funny. I still laugh thinking about it.

 

[RACHELSMOM1]

This year we are planning a trip to Disney for Christmas, coming home Christmas day - my grown children and their spouses will just have to make do-maybe start their own traditions....my 3 little girls will be princesses for Christmas, a new tradition for us. The grown kids don't want to go to WDW for the holidays, so we will go without them!!

 

[SLK1]

I know my mom would give her right arm if we would all come home for Christmas with ALL her grandchildren. But, being that we are 14 hours away, plus there are all the different schedules, work, travel, costs to deal with that it's just not realistic. I think if my mom was a DISser, she would probably get quite angry and really perplexed at your post...but the grass is always greener on the other side, right?

 

[Willow25]

Can I join your family?? It sounds like such a beautiful tradition that you have going. So many families can't get along during the holidays and find making those visits to their families homes torture. How lovely that your kids and grandkids want to be together to celebrate. I think that it is great you made that statement to your kids but they obviously want to be there. Just enjoy your time with them and all the memories.

 

[snoopy5386]

Can I come in on your thread now too? FWIW, I think as long as everyone is HAPPY with things the way they are, then let things go the way they are. Your family sounds like they have a great christmas tradition, I'm jealous!

 

[disneybridetobe]

Oh geez, I agree with you COMPLETELY. I wish you'd write a letter to my family, too! They expect us to be everywhere BUT home-- where my DD and my family should be on Christmas morning!

 

[DisneyBrat]

If I were you I would ENJOY it for as long as it lasts!!!! They are all adults and have to make the best decisions for their children. Family is what the holdiays are about so don't worry Santa still comes to grandmas You have something that is so precious and envied by many. Time is so short so cherrish the Christmas memories you all are making. PLUS what a compliment that says about you my dear. Not just your kids but the SPOUSES even want to be there. WOW I wish I could say that about my MIL LOL I am still trying to figure out how NOT to have her come over for Thanksgiving UGGGGHHH She is not a pleasant lady. I am also not good enough for her son according to my SIL. Who by the way isn't good enough either... Ok im off my soapbox sorry had to vent a little

 

[disykat]

I feel strongly like the OP - that it is important for families to get to have their own traditions. As a parent, I'll nudge my boys to do that as well when they have their own families - even if it means I'm alone. I'd tell them to go home and sleep in their own beds thsi year and see how it goes. You aren't not allowing them to come, they're still invited - just at a different time.

My uncle and aunt had kids who all lived close by and all extended family activities centered around their home. Honestly, the older they got the more exhausting and expensive it got for them. However, everyone felt that it was just right and enjoyed the traditions and wanted them to continue - and my aunt and uncle felt pressured during the holidays which kept them from enjoying them as much.

OP, think about being in your 80s and having your children, grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren all wanting to come home for Christmas because that is just how it's "supposed to be." Yes, it's nice - BUT... There does come a point for families where the roles start to switch. A time when some of the adult children start providing some of the meals and doing some of the hosting. Sure, your home will always be a home base - but it shouldn't be everything or they will be lost when you are gone. As a parent, I want them to continue to celebrate together without me as the "hub" so I think establishing some other routines early on is important. Some holidays, sure. But I would be very uncomfortable if they felt they always had to have it at my house or it just wouldn't be the same.

I'd just start gradually insisting on mixing it up a bit. You aren't not allowing them to come home, you're just changing it a bit.