Help Proofread my DD essay=

[Katie]

Please help up proofread this essay. My daughter has attilla the hun for an English teacher and every point is going to count. I have included her essay if you could see if you can see any spelling, grammer, content, ect errors!

Thank you!!!!!
This essay is a ending to the story THE BIRDS.


As Nat smoked his last cigarette and watched his empty pack burn. He hoped that for tonight, just for tonight, that he and his family would be safe from the awful birds. When Nat put out his last cigarette he looked at his wife who was sound asleep along with the kids. He knew he had to stay awake and watch over his family. Even though he knew the house was secure from the birds he had to keep an eye on everything. Nat’s night passed very slowly but as the sun rose, there was still no sign of the birds.
Early that morning as Nat’s family awoke; he told his wife that he needed to go into town for more supplies. Nat made sure everything would be safe for his family to be alone, and headed off to town. Nat approached town and everything seemed to be going well. He went to the store and got the supplies he needed. He stopped to talk with a few friends he saw along the way. He said good bye to the people he was talking to because he knew he should not keep his family from waiting any longer. When Nat got home his family was safe and sound and very happy to see him. Nat took the kids outside for a few hours; however, he knew he needed to be back inside before dusk, in case the birds would return. When Nat and the kids returned inside, Nat made sure the house was locked up securely, and then he started a fire.
Nat and his family sat in the kitchen eating dinner, both were anxiously listening for the arrival of the birds. Every noise made the parents jump, yet every noise was not the birds. There were no signs of the birds. After dinner, Nat and his family laid by the fire. They sang songs and told stories until the children fell asleep. Nat added more wood to the fire. He still was cautious to keep the fire burning. Nat watched closely as his family slept peacefully. It was still very quiet in the cabin, and most importantly outside the cabin. Nat felt hopefully, maybe the birds have moved south he thought. He watched his family sleep and soon fell asleep himself. He was exhausted and needed sleep, and the quiet of the night made it possible for Nat to sleep.
Nat awoke abruptly and quickly checked his watch. It was morning. Nat had slept through the night and everything seemed to be alright. Nat walked slowly outside. He looked up in the bright sunlight and saw nothing but the beautiful sky. It was then, that Nat realized the birds were gone. He and his family were safe at last!

 

[JR6ooo4]

Just ran it through word spell checker and it found nothing wrong...


but this sentence does not sound right.
Nat felt hopefully, maybe the birds have moved south he thought.

My suggestion
Nat felt hopfull, "Maybe the birds have moved south" he thought.
Does a thought need to be in quotes?

Mikeeee

 

[themarquis]

Former college comp instructor here ... (whipping out my red pencil and pushing my glasses up my nose)

As Nat smoked his last cigarette and watched his empty pack burn. He hoped that for tonight, just for tonight, that he and his family would be safe from the awful birds.

The first two sentences should be combined with a comma (first sent is not full sentence)

eliminate the last "that" in the 2nd sentence ("that he and his family") (parallelism problem)

When Nat put out his last cigarette he looked at his wife who was sound asleep along with the kids. He knew he had to stay awake and watch over his family. Even though he knew the house was secure from the birds he had to keep an eye on everything. Nat’s night passed very slowly but as the sun rose, there was still no sign of the birds.
Early that morning as Nat’s family awoke; he told his wife that he needed to go into town for more supplies.

Use a comma instead of a semicolon (semicolons divide segments that could be their own complete sentences).

Nat made sure everything would be safe for his family to be alone, and headed off to town.

I don't understand "everything would be safe for his family to be alone". Rephrase. What is "everything" and what does it have to do with them being alone?

Nat approached town and everything seemed to be going well. He went to the store and got the supplies he needed. He stopped to talk with a few friends he saw along the way. He said good bye to the people he was talking to because he knew he should not keep his family from waiting any longer. When Nat got home his family was safe and sound and very happy to see him. Nat took the kids outside for a few hours; however, he knew he needed to be back inside before dusk, in case the birds would return.

substitute "returned" for "would return" (incorrect tense)

When Nat and the kids returned inside, Nat made sure the house was locked up securely, and then he started a fire.
Nat and his family sat in the kitchen eating dinner, both were anxiously listening for the arrival of the birds.

use a semicolon instead of a sentence (each clause could be a complete sentence)

Every noise made the parents jump, yet every noise was not the birds.

awkward phrasing ("none of these noises was the birds?")

There were no signs of the birds. After dinner, Nat and his family laid by the fire. They sang songs and told stories until the children fell asleep. Nat added more wood to the fire. He still was cautious to keep the fire burning. Nat watched closely as his family slept peacefully. It was still very quiet in the cabin, and most importantly outside the cabin. Nat felt hopefully, maybe the birds have moved south he thought.

awkward phrasing and not a complete sentence. Maybe "Nat thought hopefully, perhaps the birds have moved south"

He watched his family sleep and soon fell asleep himself. He was exhausted and needed sleep, and the quiet of the night made it possible for Nat to sleep.
Nat awoke abruptly and quickly checked his watch. It was morning. Nat had slept through the night and everything seemed to be alright. Nat walked slowly outside. He looked up in the bright sunlight and saw nothing but the beautiful sky. It was then, that Nat realized the birds were gone. He and his family were safe at last!

The only other thing I'd say is that the story is interesting and contains a lot of detail, but (obviously) nothing actually happens. Is there a way to make it more exciting? I wondered afterword why all the detail about going to the store, etc, if everything is just fine? Just a thought. Best of luck.

 

[themarquis]

aaargh ... having posting problems sorry

 

[OhhBother]

Here you go. I'm a writer by trade. My friends call me the grammar queen, so I gave it my best shot.

As Nat smoked his last cigarette and watched the empty pack burn, he hoped that for tonight, just for tonight, he and his family would be safe from the awful birds. He looked at his wife and kids as they lay sleeping. Nat knew he had to stay awake and watch over his family. Even though he was certain the house was secure from the birds, he had to keep an eye on everything.
The night passed slowly. As the sun rose, there was still no sign of the birds. Once his family had awakened, Nat told his wife he needed to go into town for more supplies. He made sure it was safe for his family to be alone, and he headed off to town. Nat reached the town, and everything went well. He went to the store and got the supplies he needed. He stopped briefly to talk with a few friends, but he quickly said goodbye because he did not want to keep his family waiting any longer.
When Nat got home, his family was safe and sound and very happy to see him. Nat took the kids outside for a few hours, but he knew they had to be inside before dusk in case the birds returned. Once he and the kids were safely inside, Nat made sure the house was locked securely. Then he started a fire.
Nat and his family sat in the kitchen, eating dinner and anxiously listening for the arrival of the birds. Every noise made the parents jump, yet every noise was not the birds. There were no signs of the birds. After dinner, Nat and his family rested by the fire. Everyone sang songs and told stories until the children fell asleep. Nat added more wood to the fire. He still was cautious to keep the fire burning. Nat watched closely as his family slept peacefully. It was still very quiet in the cabin and, most importantly, outside the cabin. Nat became hopeful the birds had moved to the south. He watched his family sleep and soon fell asleep himself. He was exhausted and needed sleep, and the quiet of the night made sleep possible.
Nat awoke abruptly and checked his watch. It was morning. He had slept through the night, and everything seemed all right. Nat walked slowly outside. He looked up into the bright sunlight and saw nothing but the beautiful sky. It was then Nat realized the birds were gone. He and his family were safe at last!

 

[poohandwendy]

Another suggestion, it seems to me that the word Nat is being overused. It just seems redundant to keep stating his name.