Help! Need to talk to people who have moved far from family

[AdventurerKat]

I may actually, FINALLY, get my wish to move to Florida!!! We went to Sarasota last month to visit my BIL and SIL and my husband is actually saying he would like to do it! This has been a long haul since I have tried to get him to move to Florida for about 8 years now.

My problem is my mom. Well, it will probably be my dad too but my mom is the biggest one. She is going to be heartbroken if we take our sons out of the state. She has already had crying fits when I have talked to her about my desire to move there and this was even before I had kids. The last time we talked about it was when I was in Sarasota and I was bummed out that I had to come back here. She said she was sorry about that and I said, well, I sure would like to live here and she started crying and I asked her what was so wrong with me wanting to live somewhere else and she said she would never see me again, I know she doesnt like to fly, etc., etc., and I said that she seems to take my desire to move as a personal attack on her and she said that is how she feels!

My mom and I are pretty close, we talk on the phone almost every day BUT even though they only live about an hour from us, I see her only when she comes to get the boys which used to be once a month but has recently changed to twice a month since she retired and then the big holidays. Its not like we are having family dinners every week and weekend shopping trips and all that stuff, we just dont do that. But we do talk alot which I dont see changing. Get a cel phone with lots of minutes and voila!

Has anyone else had their parents react like this to their desire to move? This is the only thing that I dread about going and I hate it. She should want me to be happy. I know she will be sad but I will see her again, flying doesnt bother me a bit and I will bring the kids up. I just dont know what to do. I know its MY life and all that and I have to do what's best for me but what can I say to her to make her feel better. Anything?

I am not sure that this post is getting my point across well enough but I think you get the idea. Have you dealt with the same issue? What did you do? Did everything work out o.k.? I love my mom to death but I want to do this for me and my family.

Please let me know your thoughts.

 

[siouxi31]

I haven't moved far from my family so I can't help you there but would your parents consider relocating to Florida?

 

[Galahad]

Also, please remember that Florida is, in fact, NOT paradise. There are about as many bad things about moving there as there are good things and if you have the added problem of family strife that's bound to make it a lot harder than you anticipate.

 

[AdventurerKat]

My mom will not leave Washington state for anything.

And yes, I know Florida is not "paradise" but having lived here all my life and Florida being the only place I have been interested in living otherwise, I would like to try it. My husband has family down there as well. His brother and wife are there and my husband's sister is planning on moving as well.

 

[Otimon]

Do what you feel is right for yourself and your family. Mom, and Dad, will adjust. Had much experience with that in our younger days when husband's work took us to several states, as well as overseas (Spain) for two years.

Let them know they would be welcome to visit (they can always drive or take the train if they don't like to fly) and that you, too, will be up to visit them.

Best wishes

 

[ZachnElli]

The first time we moved from home, my mom flipped out. She was very depressed and my mom and dad almost got a divorce. There wasn't anything I could do. Dh had gotten fired and his new job was far away. She got over it eventually. We ended up moving closer to them, 5-6 hour drive, and she was thrilled. Then we moved back home for 5 years. We just moved again even farther away and she seemed like she expected it. It is very hard to do. I just called and told her I booked our flight back home for Christmas and she was thrilled!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

My family is spread out all over. I am in Wisconsin, Sister is in Kentucky, Brother in Missouri, and parents in Idaho. It is really hard on my Mom especially with Grandkids. My Dad took the job to get a promotion, but is always on the look out for another opening that would be a promotion and be close to one of us kids.
When they retire they will probably live closest to me since they like the midwest and go some where warm for Jan/Feb/March. She really fell in love with Door County when we vacationed there 2 weeks ago.

We just talk on the phone a lot. We both have Sprint phones so it costs us 0 minutes to talk to each other. And we IM a lot. We try to get together 2 times a year, but it is hard for them to visit 3 kids because none of us are close to each other.

It works out though and she knows it's not forever. She does get sad too and some times jealous of the other Grandma's that live closer.

We are already planning a trip out there for Spring Break next year.

 

[auntpolly]

We've moved a lot over my marriage -- the first move was from the northeast to the Rocky Mountains -- away from all of my family and most of my husband's -- everybody was depressed! We moved because of a job opportunity and it ended up being a really crucial stepping stone in my husband's career. Now, when our families talk about it, you'd almost think it was their idea they think it was such a smart thing to do.

If you can show everyone that it is in the best interest of your family, I really think they'll deal with it better.

 

[Kallison]

We almost had to relocate to Florida, it was an ongoing discussion for several years. In fact it could come up again. My parents, esp. Mom would also get hysterical. My brother passed away at age 45 and she has always had both of us and our families within an hour drive. We see my parents every week, she also hates to fly, but loves to drive. Last time we went down to look at private schools she would actually get angry with us, like we were doing this to upset her too. She said "Well don't expect to see us all the time". I got kind of pissed at that point. I started thinking I'm in my 40's my parents have done whatever they wanted their entire lives, if we have to move they will just have to deal with it. We really didn't want to go, and right now we are staying put, but I think this last time DH and I made peace with whatever will be will be. They will adjust, it is your life. If you want to move now, do it while your sons still have time to establish friends. Good Luck.

 

[katerkat]

Yeah, it really upset my mom. My husband is military, so we haven't been close to my parents since I got married. Mom and I talk every day online and on the phone a lot. But she doesn't have a problem flying out to see us.

Also, I'm pretty sure she has a countdown to DH's retirement, when we can all live near each other again.

 

[chrissyk]

We're in the process of moving from MA to FL. My mother would only be happy if we lived with her in her house. Otherwise, she complains. She gave me a terrible time when DH and I bought a house "so far away" in Central MA (at the time she lived 45 minutes away, also in MA). Now she just "loves my little house" and can't believe that we sold it to move to FL. Whatever. She has complianed for YEARS about where I live. I can't please her, and I don't live my live to please her anymore. Hopefully she will visit us in FL. If not, I'll deal.

I waited to have babies until after we could make a long-distance move. I just couldn't deal with how my mom would overreact if we "took her grandchildren away." I didn't want my kids to have to be grandma's entire life, so I decided to wait to have them. I don't ever want my kids feeling responsible for my mom's feelings/mood swings either.

I got really tired of worrying about how my mother felt about everything in my life. About a year ago, I got myself some help because this was making me physically ill. It really did help! I can honestly say that I act in mine and DH's best interest now, not my mom's. I look at myself now and I actually feel bad for my mom. She SHOULD be happy for me, and I've told her so plenty of times. I'm healthy, educated, independant, married to a great guy for the better part of a decade now. I've owned my own home for 7 years. Now I'm moving to a place where housing is more affordable and the weather is better for us. You'd think that she'd be happy for us. It's her loss, though! I'm happy for us, and that's all that matters to me anymore

 

[Keli]

We moved about 9 hours away from all of our family and friends when our dd was 2 years old. We were there for four years. My mom and dad hated it that they were so far away from their only grandchild but I found that I hated it more than they did. Not for myself, although I did miss them, but for Ashli. Here she was, six years old, and she didn't know the joy of spending lots of time with grandma (I was very close to my paternal grandmother and I knew what she was missing out on). I was really happy when we were able to move about 30 minutes away from our families and Ashli was able to develop the incredibly close bond with my mom that she has to this day. Of course, Ashli acts just like my mom so it's no surprise they are so close, lol.

 

[nativetxn]

We moved to Michigan when my son was 8 weeks old. All of our family was just devastated. We visited Texas as often as we could but I noticed that the family did not reciprocate.

It's very difficult to move so far away from family. I know that if I had any grandchildren I would suffer terribly if they were far away from me. I would just have to move along with them

 

[hulabird]

I remember along time ago when my parents started going to WDW without us kids and they came back one year and were considering moving there! Me and my sis and brother were worrooed because they were sounding serious. But they decided they couldn't leave us right now.

Well in the last few trips I have really had the urge to move there, and my husband is all for it. I am thinking all this time that maybe my parents would also go if I were going, and now that my sister is getting a divorce maybe she would go too...but NOW my parents don't want to go because my brother will still be here (he has a very successful homebuilding business in Illinois and he said that the market in Florida is not as good as here, plus he would be starting all over again there).

So now we have to decide if we would actually make that move, I have even gone as far as looking at new construction in the Disney area, brochures come every now and then with new subdivisions...and I know my yearning will only grow worse after my trip in 10 days....

I am leaving it all in God's hands......

 

[CEDmom]

It's not us who have moved it's the rest of my family. We're in NJ, my mom is in FL, one brother is in CA, another is in MA and the 3rd one is in Brussels. It is hard at times having them far away but we've all adjusted. We tend to vacation with family or at least vacation close to family so we can see them. My mom and I are very close (I'm the only girl in our family) but we talk on the phone about once a week and e-mail a few times a week.

It's funny how distance really does make the heart grow fonder. When we're together we don't get wrapped up in petty stuff like we probably would if we saw eachother often.

My mom visits a few times a year and stays about a week each time. We try to get down to FL every year or so. What better excuse to go to WDW .

Lastly, and most importantly, we all are there for one another if not physically then definitely emotionally.

 

[tkd lisa]

We moved away from our family due to work. My family had mostly moved away by then, but my DH's family is still in Indiana. I didn't get any guilt at all from DH's family, since they understood that it was our jobs that required us to move.

I agree that you have to do what works for your immediate family and just repeatedly tell your mom that it's not because you don't want to be close to her, but it's something important for you and your DH. Remind her that there is train service to FL, and maybe work out a general idea when a good first visit would be.

Good luck!

 

[mickeyboat]

I moved 12 hours away from my parents when I graduated from college and married. I think they always expected me to move away, so although they were sad, they weren't upset with me.

I miss my parents every day. Part of the reason we moved here is because DH went into business with his father and all of his sisters lived within 3 hours of us. Now they are no longer in busines together, his mom passed away and his sisters live between 3 and 11 hours away.

We used to have a lot of family support here and now it is all gone. I would love to move to where my parents are, but DH has his own business now and does not want to move. I miss my parents and don't see or talk to them as often as I should.

Denae

 

[NMAmy]

I lived far away from my family from the time I was 22 until I was 39. My ex was in the military so first we were stationed in Germany, then in southern New Mexico. When he got out of the military, we relocated to northern New Mexico. Both of our families were all in Michigan. The hardest part was having my dd far away from grandparents. Also we never got to go anywhere different for vacation because we always went to visit family.

After I got divorced, we decided to move back near family. My sister and her kids are here as well as my parents. My father was in ill health and I had to keep travelling back here to visit and I felt awful because my mom didn't really have any help. So we moved to my home town. My new husband was open to the move so that worked out well. It was really nice to be here when my father got worse and then passed away. I was glad dd and I had a lot of time with him before he got really ill and I was glad to be here for him and my mom when he was in the nursing home. It was the right thing for us to come home.

 

[BrerMom]

We moved away because of DH's job. They were sad, but understood. My kids can e-mail with the best of them and I think it's sweet that they e-mail their grandparents.

Don't totally discount the idea of her moving to join you. When SIL moved to Florida, ILs had no intention of moving. Now they are seriously considering it. I think the only thing that is really stopping them is that the cost of living is higher than what they have currently.

 

[Disney Doll]

We didn't move away, but my DH has a sister that did, and now her expectation is that everyone needs to fly out to the Midwest every 5 minutes to vivist her, or that we can all drop what we're doing and fly out there every time she gets a hangnail.

Needless to say, this attitude does not make anyone very anxious to go to see her. Then we listen to her complain about how she always has to come and visit us, how much it costs to come back East (my repsponse is usually "if oyu can't afford to travel, then don't") and how she's all alone out in the Midwest. Really, I guess her husband and kids don't count! They're out there too!