help me with a discipline plan

[ChrisnSteph]

I also don't allow my son to eat in his bedroom. In his case, that would be just asking for trouble. To each his own.....

Are you assuming my dd was eating in her bedroom? She was not - they were dishes she was using to trace circles and whatnot for an art project. Not sure what you're getting at, but I suppose you're right - to each his own....

 

[sweet angel]

Are you assuming my dd was eating in her bedroom? She was not - they were dishes she was using to trace circles and whatnot for an art project. Not sure what you're getting at, but I suppose you're right - to each his own....

I wasn't getting at anything -- honestly. I assumed she was eating in there and it just made me envision what would happen if my son was allowed to eat in his bedroom. I can picture the size of the roaches that would come lumbering out of there. He's just a pig. Many families eat in all rooms of the house. I don't do that in my house.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I wasn't getting at anything -- honestly. I assumed she was eating in there and it just made me envision what would happen if my son was allowed to eat in his bedroom. I can picture the size of the roaches that would come lumbering out of there. He's just a pig. Many families eat in all rooms of the house. I don't do that in my house.

 

[elan]

To the OP, I'll reply but I haven't read all the replies just a few. I let my DD8 and DD4 in the tub together. If they start making a big mess I wash em and they have to get out. I don't mind them playing but splashing the walls is a no no. If we don't have a lot of time for baths I tell them beforehand its a quick one. I don't like them using soap until right before they get out of the tub, both of mine have had a bladder infection at one time or another and soap in the water is advised against.

For general discipline we use a version of the chip system. It usually takes only one reminder they will loose 10 cents(from their allowance) if the behavior continues. I find they listen best if I do not yell. I've read STEP parenting and How to Listen so a Child Will Listen and find them both helpful.

The 3's were harder for us too.

 

[hentob]

I would just walk in and say in a calm (but stern)and quiet voice "Why aren't you listening to me?". And then I just stand there and stare. I can't believe the reaction I get from my children when I ask this question. They just start doing whatever it is that I asked them to do.

Now, mind you, I didn't mention the Look-Of-Death that is on my face

PS--The OP's three y/o could be turning four next week. And at four, most children can bathe themselves. Of course I still check for soap in the hair and ours are 6 & 7--Many a times they have had to "Hop back in that shower Mister/Missie!"

 

[Pam]

Is that buttered popcorn? If so - please move over and pass the tub!!

 

[luvmyfam444]

My 9 year old doesn't seem to do anything I ask! We are having the worst time just trying to get her to brush her teeth and pick up after herself.

Having problems here too! I guess I expcect my 3yo to give me problems - to test me, but it's the 8 yo that's really bugging me 'cause she knows better - she REALLY does know that she is to obey the 1st time....I guess once we started the yelling (it's actually a pretty new thing - ) that now she knows what "tone" to respond to before hopping into action. I feel that we've been pretty consitent with timeouts, etc...BUT after a bit of yelling & then the sassing back from 8yo....and then there's the wholw WHINING issue that's just beginning here...(yep from the 8yo!) I've just gotta find some other ways out there. We've used time outs for years & it's just not getting to her....BUT I was proud of myself this a..m. she asked for snack $ (they get snowcones @ school today) & since she didn't obey getting ready for school this a.m. I said no $...& told her why... NOW that may get to her...I just don't know..can't tell.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I guess I'd look at this differently

I prefer to choose my battles with DD8 & 9. If the battle is hair washing,
UOTE]

THIS was NOT the battle---OBEYING was the battle!

AND YES you can wash your hair & get it clean in the tub! YOu DON"T USE THE DIRTY WATER to clean it with you turn on the faucet & rinse it with CLEAN water!!!

 

[punkin]

it's the 8 yo that's really bugging me 'cause she knows better - she REALLY does know that she is to obey the 1st time....

I have to repeat myself all the time (to my DH as well as my kids). I have no problem with this. It is part of the learning process and absolutely normal for 8 year olds.

 

[kidshop]

There are just some things you will have to 'make' your kids do and yelling at them from another room isn't going to accomplish anything.

There it is....the key to effective parenting! I have 6 and 3 y/o boys, and the first thing we do is wash. The 6 y/o washes and rinses with my supervision and I do the 3 y/o myself. Then playtime starts. I am not always in the room with them, I check back frequently to monitor splashing mostly . I feel they are fine for short periods in the bath. I would never let them turn on the water unsupervised, however, b/c of the possibilty of scalding. It's important to know what is developementally appropriate and not punish a child for not doing something they are not capable of. A 3 y/o washing her hair alone comes to mind. And and 8 y/o expected to wash her own and her sisters without an adult presence. I completely agree sometimes you have to show up and direct the action, even if it's a pita. If the 8 y/o bathed alone, I can see a bit more that the expectations are realistic, but not the 2 kids. Kids get sidetracked, it's what they do!

 

[U2_rocks]

Here's my take, for what it's worth.

There are some things that a child will be more easily able to "obey" than others e.g. a direct request to be carried out now. IMO, letting them play together in the bath for a whole 30 minutes (loads of distraction there!) and expecting them to remember and be able to get all the proper washings done is on the high end of expectation. Some kids may be able to do this, I'm thinking the majority couldn't. In the bath by herself your older DD might be able to - but add in her sister and it's a different story! When kids are together they just want to play - at least, that's what I've found with my 3. This is what people mean by "pick your battles" and "don't set them up for failure". If you know it's going to be difficult for them to obey, you are setting everyone up for a frustrating time if you expect them to! Not to criticize (this is meant in the most constructive of ways) .... but to me this isn't really an obedience issue as much as a "how to solve this problem" issue. She hasn't directly defied you, has she? She just lost track of time and hasn't been able to remember what she was supposed to do.

I agree with the others who have taken the approach "get the work done first, then play". My 3 bathe together (we have a fair sized shower/tub), and they cannot even have the plug in to fill up the tub until they are clean and teeth are brushed! We don't wash their hair every day as it tends to be dry, but when it is time to wash hair, it gets done before anything fun. my 4 yo DD and almost 6 yo DS can wash their hair by themselves, except that occasionally they miss one spot of shampoo - that's why I check in periodically to see how they are doing. My almost 3 yo can lather her own hair, but she isn't the best at getting it rinsed yet, so i do check on her and help her a little (but she still does most). To those who think kids aren't capable at that age - they are, if they have been allowed to practice from early! OP, your DDs could do it themselves (with a tiny bit of supervision) if they have had enough practice - the issue isn't one of skill, it is one of diligence and attention. Your DDs don't seem able to turn their attention to what they need to do, and that isn't at all unusual or unexpected.

In terms of general discipline: when I ask my kids to do something, I make sure they are looking at me and have heard me. I expect them to comply (my look, body language etc. is expectant of their obedience). If they aren't following my wishes, then I conclude that they are having some sort of difficulty, and if it is a request that I know they can follow, I put measures in place to "help" them (either now or next time). These are either a simple one word reminder (if it's something they're simply forgetting or getting distracted from), or measures that are usually somewhat of a drag for them (i.e. a bit punitive in nature). They are usually logically related to whatever they are being disobedient about. Let me think of an example: if I ask one of my kids to put their bike away at night and they won't do it (vs they just forget), then clearly that child either does not value the bike very much, or isn't mature enough to own a bike right now. So, said bike gets put away for a period of time and we try again in a while. Or, if toys are waiting to be put away, no more toys can be played with. Or, if they are eating while watching TV and it is distracting them too much (like before school in the morning), the TV is turned off because "it's too much of a distraction". I seek 2 main things with discipline: 1) solving a problem, 2) teaching: how to do things and our values in general.

My post is intended to help you however it can, it is not meant as a criticism, and I hope you don't take it that way. We have all learned different things in our years of parenting, and we should be learning from each other instead of criticizing. None of us is perfect, and there are things you could teach me too I bet! The above are imply my ideas - take them or leave them.

Good luck!

 

[georgina]

Well, I think the key to discipline is consistency, and following through with what you say. You have two daughters. Tell them if they don't wash their hair you're going to randomly sell one to a band of traveling gypsies. If they still don't do it, follow through. You should still have one daughter who will start to toe the line.

I know you are only kidding, but my mom used to jokingly threaten to put me up for adoption. I was the 6th kid, and took her somewhat seriously. It was not a good feeling.

Part of the discipline problem for us was that different things worked for different children. We kept trying various methods until we came up with what worked best for each child. They were not all disciplined exactly the same, but the results were OK. One child just needed stern talking to, another lost privileges, etc.

 

[mudnuri]

I guess I'd look at this differently

I prefer to choose my battles with DD8 & 9. If the battle is hair washing,
UOTE]

THIS was NOT the battle---OBEYING was the battle!

AND YES you can wash your hair & get it clean in the tub! YOu DON"T USE THE DIRTY WATER to clean it with you turn on the faucet & rinse it with CLEAN water!!!

well, thanks for taking that totally out of context, had you quoted the entire post you'd see that I would have REMOVED the possiblity of her NOT OBEYING....simple...wash your hair first....if you cant do that, sorry I'll be washing your hair then you'll wash your body and get out. The battle was because they were allowed to bath with a "wash your hair" directive without a consequence....which would be why you end up with the NOT OBEYING battle....my point was, eliminate the possiblity of not obeying- and shesh, amazing what happens.

Brandy

 

[mudnuri]

My post is intended to help you however it can, it is not meant as a criticism, and I hope you don't take it that way. We have all learned different things in our years of parenting, and we should be learning from each other instead of criticizing. None of us is perfect, and there are things you could teach me too I bet! The above are imply my ideas - take them or leave them.

Good luck!

good luck with that request!.....

Brandy

 

[lilostitch]

As an elementary counselor and a mother to 2 DDs, I find myself recommending Jim Fay's Love and Logic most of the time. He has a great website (just Google love and logic) and you can find his books on amazon or in bookstores. They are fairly reasonable and VERY easy to read, not too long or boring or anything.

On his website you can order CDs to listen to in the car (how easy is that?), and he even offers parenting seminars. I have even caught him on public television, and on his website he has a link to pbs where you can check out his seminar on discipline.

In my experience, parenting problems often arise because: 1) people try to be friends with their children instead of parents; 2) parents do EVERYTHING for their kids, overindulge them, and make excuses for them-never letting them understand real world consequences; 3) inconsistency and lack of follow through; 4) just plain old not knowing what to do

1) Trying to be your child's friend--Often the parent who wants to be seen as cool by their kids and their kids friends. BAD idea! Your child needs a parent to guide them through childhood and adolescence, they have enough friends! You can be friends when they are adults. This one is so dangerous, because your kids don't have anyone telling them "No", so they are constantly pushing the boundaries further and further, only to find there are no boundaries.

2) Parents who do EVERYTHING for their kids, give everything to their kids, and make excuses for them--these parents are the saddest, because they think they are HELPING their kids, but you are just hindering their growth (maybe because you can't let go and like to feel needed ) These parents don't like their kids to face any consequences or pain, but they don't realize they are creating manipulative kids and creating kids who are unable to deal with real life. They can't learn to make good choices if they never experience any consequences to their behavior. I know it is hard to watch your child be sad or suffer consequences, but it DOES help them learn and grow so they are able to make better choices.

3) Inconsistency and lack of follow through--this is easy to do, because parenting is hard! (especially if you have a high maintenance child). We all lead such busy lives now (our kids do so many more activities than we ever did) and we are tired! Sometimes it just seems easier to give in then to stay strong with what we know is right. However, inconsistent parenting creates a confused child who isn't sure what his/her consequences will be. They know if they push hard enough, they will win, and they usually do. These parents often resort to yelling, but it doesn't work. This one is hard to turn around, because when you finally bite the bullet and decide to be consistent, they will test you, because they are used to winning. It takes a lot of patience.

4) Just not knowing what to do--this one is easy to change
Try a parenting class, a Love and Logic Book, a Positive Discipline book, or 1,2,3 Magic. All are good (of course my personal fav. is Love and Logic)

Keep in mind, whenever a parent changes their parenting strategies, kids will sometimes rebel at first. They are testing you, so stay strong. Once they realize you mean business, they will come around. Consistency is KEY!

Good luck and happy parenting


SPECIFIC re: the bath issue. I would tell the girls as soon as they get in, "I will be back in 5 minutes to see if your hair is washed. If it isn't done, I will wash it for you, the bath will be over and you will be going to bed". Say it in a VERY NEUTRAL tone, no nagging or yelling. I suspect the first time, they won't do it (testing you, aren't they clever). Too bad they don't realize you mean business
Come back 5 minutes later. If their hair is dry, be empathetic. "Oh, what a bummer. I see you've chosen not to wash your hair on your own." Promptly wash their hair, drain the water, and off to bed. If they complain, "I know, that is so sad, I know how much you like playing in the water and reading books after your bath. I hope that tomorrow night you decide to wash your hair so that you can play and read books." You have to say this in a TRULY EMPATHETIC tone, NOT condescending or accusatory. Don't argue, don't nag, don't yell. Continue to be empathetic, and promptly stick them in the bed. They will be surprised. Surprised you remained calm, surprised you followed through, and surprised that you WILL remain consistent. The hardest part of this kind of parenting is remaining empathetic and neutral and thinking of of the consequences...at first. As you continue to practice, it gets easier and easier until it is second nature. Believe me, I have seen this type of parenting TURN FAMILIES AROUND! We can't change the kids, we can only change the way we are reacting and responding to them.

 

[slo]

When it comes to needing my girls to get things done in a timely manner I always use my stove timer.

For instance, if I want them to clean up their toys, I will tell them they can play for 10 more minutes and when the buzzer rings, it's time to clean up. This has worked alot because then the buzzer is the bad guy

Another thing I like to do is have them race each other to get things done.

For instance, if I want them to get their coats on to go, then I will tell whoever gets their coats on first gets to listen to their favorite CD in the car.
This has worked well too.

I do like to pick and choose my battles, because if you yell alot, they will just learn to tune you out. Try to make things a little more fun and your children may listen to you a little more.

Good luck!!

 

[lilostitch]

When it comes to needing my girls to get things done in a timely manner I always use my stove timer.

For instance, if I want them to clean up their toys, I will tell them they can play for 10 more minutes and when the buzzer rings, it's time to clean up. This has worked alot because then the buzzer is the bad guy

Another thing I like to do is have them race each other to get things done.

For instance, if I want them to get their coats on to go, then I will tell whoever gets their coats on first gets to listen to their favorite CD in the car.
This has worked well too.

I do like to pick and choose my battles, because if you yell alot, they will just learn to tune you out. Try to make things a little more fun and your children may listen to you a little more.

Good luck!!

I like the timer too

I like to use it for putting things away, taking things to your room, and homework. It works great with young kids

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I kinda agree with this.

I always got both of them in the tub, washed their bod's, washed their hair - did all the boring stuff...THEN, I left the room and let them play.

This is what I do as well. My dd is 3.5..I wash her hair and she washes her body..then I let her play while I do my chores in the room across from the bathroom.