Help me solve my mother situation...LONG vent

[ChisJo]

My sister and myself have been planning our upcoming trip in May for months. A couple of weeks ago, my mother emailed me that she finally booked her plane tickets to go...she was never invited! She is a cranky, ornery, lazy, grumpy, and an unhappy individual. Don't get me wrong, she does have good qualities, but they have to be sought out at times. We disagree on many topics, and the thought of spending many many many hours non-stop with her is causing me to have heart palpitations, and I am now dreading my trip that we have been scrupulously planning. However, she has booked the tickets, they are non-refundable, and we have expressed our concerns for her choice of a holiday. Of course, she still wants to come.

My mother is in very poor shape and overweight. Walking to the mailbox tires her out (its 6 houses up). She hates hot weather. She hates crowded places. She's impatient. She is incredibly opinionated and will express it quite openly. Can you imagine what she will be like in a crowded theme park, in a hot, humid environment? I've told her if she wants to keep up with the 2 of us, she will need to start exercising as we both will run a tight ship. We've also told her that she has to go on all the rides with us, or she will be waiting a whole bunch for us. She is quite possibly the CHEAPEST person I know, and I know I will hear a bizillion times (and I'm sure she will say this to the CMs), "how much??? Thats ridiculous!", and its killing me!!! She also asked when we get to relax, I replied never. I never relax on a trip to Orlando...except when we go back to our hotel in the afternoon. She's wanting to go to the beach, but my sister and me didn't plan a day for the beach. My sister is in a rotten marriage, and has 2 kids that she is leaving behind to get some time off from her life. I kind of tailored this whole trip around what she wanted, and now we have this misery of my mother.

I've been to Disney 9 times. I've been to USO 8 times. I've been a member of these boards for 10 years, and I've investigated Disney strategies and budgeting for years to help me be able to get to the parks multiple times. She had the nerve to question my planning, and said that she thought she could do it better (she has never been). My step-father looked at her and said, "are you kidding?". Even he gets it.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. This trip is causing me pain just thinking about it....has anybody had to go through this before? Any advice???

 

[nurse.darcy]

My suggestion? Send her the itinerary, tell her it will NOT change just because she decided to join in and if she wants to do things differently she is welcome to make her own plans but that you two will MOST DEFINITELY NOT be changing your plans. Also, make sure she knows that its exactly the trip that you and your sister want to have and that she needs to fit in or not go. I am sorry but personally I would have told her she was not invited, but I do understand the dilemma.

 

[Donaldswife]

Personally, I would not let my Mom do that. I would tell her she needs to find her own accomodations, give her a copy of your plans, and tell her they are NOT changing in any way to please her. I would also make it quite clear to her that she was not invited and that in your mind she is a family member who decided to come to Orlando at the same time you would be there, not an invited member of your party.

I know this sounds harsh, but I have a MIL that is like this and after 10 years I have found this is what you have to do or she will walk over your plans and guilt everyone into doing things her way. After as much time and money you have spent on this trip you deserve to have it the way you want, not the way some tag along wants it.

 

[NJDiva]

My suggestion? Send her the itinerary, tell her it will NOT change just because she decided to join in and if she wants to do things differently she is welcome to make her own plans but that you two will MOST DEFINITELY NOT be changing your plans. Also, make sure she knows that its exactly the trip that you and your sister want to have and that she needs to fit in or not go. I am sorry but personally I would have told her she was not invited, but I do understand the dilemma.

I would have to agree with Darcy, when you and your sister planned the trip, it was with the intent of hitting the parks hard and as an escape from your sister's life at home. the trip was about you two spending time together and now your mother has imposed herself upon your very skillfully planned trip and it has the potential being anything but fun....if you let her control it.
remind her that the two of you have budgeted and planned this trip and where and what you've chosen to eat or see is not negotiable, if she chooses to question your planning or the itinerary, like Darcy said, let her make her own. I would guess that she will need one of those scooters since you stated that she gets winded walking to the mailbox....that alone will slow you down.

there may be an underlying reason that invited herself on your trip and maybe you need to investigate that...does she feel distant from you two or that she's missing out on the fun you two have. I just think that there may be another reason and you have the right to know what that is.
good luck and if you're at the parks when I'm there (I'm going the first week of May) I'll pray for you!

 

[dsnymomof4]

Wow - this is a tough one. I can understand how you would not be looking forward to it as much now, but I think your strategy now would be how to make the best of the situation. Is there any way to get someone else to come as a companion for your mom - like your step-father or maybe an aunt? That way you and your sister could go off and do your fast-paced stuff while they take it easier. If not, maybe plan some alone time for her. If she wants to rest, go out for half a day, then send her back to the hotel for some resting time, while you and sis do your stuff. Since your mom never been to Disney before, maybe she'll get overcome with the magic and not be as negative as you think. Embrace the challenge of making this a great vacation, despite the unexpected obstacle!

 

[djblu883]

explain to your Mom that the average walk in a Disney park is about 12 miles and that she is unable to do that. Tell her if she still wants to go then she needs to add into HER budget the cost of an ECV and plan to sit in it and read a book or people watch while you and your sister enjoying doing the things you have planned. There is no way physically she can do as you two do!!! If she still wants to enjoy the trip the busses can ger her to and from the parks back to the hotel so she can get out of the heat and sun. Maybe she will decide to just relax and enjoy the pool area after a day in the parks!!! I suggest you have her read the disabilities board so she more understands what she has signed herself up for!!! Then it comes from others and not from the 2 of you!!!! She also needs to understand that just walking to the resort food court is a LONG way and she might not be able to handle that!!! Reguardless it sounds like she is going and SHE is going to have to figure out what she is going to do while you do your thing since she can't keep up! My Dad at 79 went with us in the mornings to do 1-2 things then spent the rest of his day relaxing at the resort and he was fine with that. Good Luck!!! My family all decided to go AFTER my BFF and I had planned for a year in advance. The older family members realized they couldn't do everything the seasoned youngers ones could do. BUT they did want to be included in a FEW of our plans. They aren't the kind of parents you describe, but maybe Mom is reaching out to her girls and she is unable to express herself in another way? As we age different things become more important and for myself atleast spending time with family in any capacity is golden. Wish I sitll had a Mom to drive me crazy as mine did!!!

 

[Agri]

Ha. I wouldn't do any of this.

I wouldn't *tell* her anything I was doing besides my vacation days. I'd treat it from the outset that she's choosing to go on vacation at the same time and needs to book her own hotel, etc.

My attitude? "Oh, you're going to Orlando at the same time we're at WDW? How nice. I hope you enjoy your vacation. Have fun planning!"

And leave it at that. I wouldn't even tell her that you can have a meal together if she's that horrible. Or even imply that you might bump into each other. Maybe you'll luck out and she'll share some of her plans so you can actively avoid her.

I really hate the idea that just because someone's family you should tolerate their BS. You aren't responsible for your mother's behavior and you shouldn't have to deal with her just because she's family. If your sister doesn't want to deal with her either - then don't. She thinks she can plan better - let her plan her own darn trip. She thinks she can do so well - she can plan for her own physical issues, etc. If she doesn't, she'll find out pretty quickly after she gets there.

Above all - go with how your sister wants to handle your mom. If she feels the same way about her, but has a tendency to give in to mom - protect her from mom's behavior as much as you can. She sounds like she definitely needs to escape in the magic of WDW.

 

[ChisJo]

Well...I've basically told her that we are doing x,y, & z, and that it has already been planned, so no changing the plans now. Its not as easy as telling her that she has to stay in her own place. She owns a timeshare elsewhere, and she had lots of points with that timeshare that she wanted to use up, so she got a timeshare with her points in Orlando for us. She had offered that long before she said she booked her plane tickets, but we never thought that equated to her coming, or we would've booked a hotel elsewhere.

I talked to her today about everything (she can be very difficult to talk to). She said today that she has started exercising, and that she wants to be able to keep up with us. She plans on joining us on all of our adventures, and even states that she will go on the ToT. She understands that we had booked so much already, so she is ok with what we have booked. She complained about a couple of things, but we told her, "too late", already done. She seemed ok with it. She knows that she has the availability to just go back to the hotel and relax, or just sit outside somewhere and we could meet her later. She was fine with that. All in all, now I'm just worried about the arguing. I'm hoping I can keep it in check. My sister is there to help me out. She is the quieter one and NEVER said anything. I'm the one that sticks up for everyone else, so I will have to bite my tongue to make sure that my sister has a relaxing holiday. She doesn't need to be around negativity when she is just trying to get away from it.

Someone mentioned my step-dad coming...that would be an even bigger disaster, and would lead to me cancelling my trip....I think my sister would too.

Thanks for the comments...I will try my hardest to be a good daughter!

 

[nurse.darcy]

Well...I've basically told her that we are doing x,y, & z, and that it has already been planned, so no changing the plans now. Its not as easy as telling her that she has to stay in her own place. She owns a timeshare elsewhere, and she had lots of points with that timeshare that she wanted to use up, so she got a timeshare with her points in Orlando for us. She had offered that long before she said she booked her plane tickets, but we never thought that equated to her coming, or we would've booked a hotel elsewhere.

I talked to her today about everything (she can be very difficult to talk to). She said today that she has started exercising, and that she wants to be able to keep up with us. She plans on joining us on all of our adventures, and even states that she will go on the ToT. She understands that we had booked so much already, so she is ok with what we have booked. She complained about a couple of things, but we told her, "too late", already done. She seemed ok with it. She knows that she has the availability to just go back to the hotel and relax, or just sit outside somewhere and we could meet her later. She was fine with that. All in all, now I'm just worried about the arguing. I'm hoping I can keep it in check. My sister is there to help me out. She is the quieter one and NEVER said anything. I'm the one that sticks up for everyone else, so I will have to bite my tongue to make sure that my sister has a relaxing holiday. She doesn't need to be around negativity when she is just trying to get away from it.

Someone mentioned my step-dad coming...that would be an even bigger disaster, and would lead to me cancelling my trip....I think my sister would too.

Thanks for the comments...I will try my hardest to be a good daughter!

In my opinion you are being exceptional and I am proud of you. Please understand that you are not required in any way to be a buffer. Your mom needs to temper herself. Just make sure you know how to send her back to the resort so she can leave you two to have your fun. Stick to your plans like glue sweetie.

 

[rigs32]

Keep in mind that if you have to, you can get a condo on your own. If you go to skyauction.com, they often have condos in Orlando for $300 for a week. I think it would be worth the peace of mind - or just book a cheap hotel for you and your sister. We passed many decent looking motels charging $25 or $30 per night last month.

 

[Royal Duke of Epcot]

The only thing you can do is make this soon-to-be miserable trip into a learning experience. Traveling with cheap, ill-tempered, immobile people stinks no matter what boundaries are set.

Since you seem to be asking for advice, here's some bigger picture guidance:

Under any circumstances, don't take anything from people you detest (ya know, the kind of people you write 200 word missives slagging on the Disboards) and you won't have to compromise yourself. Nothing is free.

You kicked open the door to her involvement by taking her points, unfortunately. Jerks do jerky things, and you have to anticipate them, or better yet, not play their game.

I do hope you can carve out some fun...best of luck.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

First of all, pick a place about a mile from where your mother lives and ask her how difficult it would be to walk there. After a short pause, add "and back". The after she answers, say "four times in a row".

Then she will give you a look as only a mother can do to a child which implies "Are you out of your mind". Explain to her than most people tend to walk 8-12 miles per day at WDW. Once around the Epcot World Showcase Lagoon Promenade, is about 1½ miles. And that is without actually entering any of the pavilion areas.

There are several places from off-site that rent ECVs at prices which are less than Disney's prices. Suggest to her that she contact them ($225 for a week), or plan to rent one daily at the parks ($50 plus refundable $20 key deposit). Unfortunately you are not able to push her in a wheelchair, so if she has a problem walking she will have to rent an ECV.

And you might want to invest in the 800 page Unofficial Guide to WDW and ask her to study it so she is aware of what she is in for.

 

[Simba's Mom]

Unfortunately, I have no advice, but tons of sympathy-been there, done that. My Mom, who sounds similar to yours personality-wise, invited herself along on my solo trip a few years ago. Although I doubted at times, I did survive. Mom was very uppity-"I don't DO character meals" or seeing the characters. So the first day we were at Epcot when the character bus came around. Oh, oh, but when I looked around Mom had disappeared-probably off sulking far, far away.Next thing I looked, here she came running towards me, camera in hand, big smile on her face-"I already got my picture taken with five different characters!" Although in some ways Mom didn't change, and I sometimes wondered how I'd live through the trip, I'll never forget this-

Maybe Disney will work a little pixie dust on your Mom too.

 

[Mousefan72]

I understand that you made these plans with your sister and you feel that your mother is imposing on your plans, that would bug me too at first. But try to understand that she might act the way she does because whe feels lonely, unhappy, and left out. You know, we spend most of our adult life raising children, we do our best...some of us better than others. But our kids grow up and move on creating their own lives and that's what we want after all, what we've taught them to do. But then what do we do? If she doesn't have a terrific relationship with your stepdad and she feels neglected or out of touch with you and your sister then that might account for the unhappiness and grouchiness. She probably needs this trip as much as your sister does. Try to hold onto her good points, you said she does have some, and reach deep down inside for patience and understanding. Also, telling her you love her could only help the situation. Explain to her that you and your sister need some bonding time....parents love that! I lost my mom five years ago. We were very close and there were times we had words with one another and she drove me crazy with things she said or did....but I'd give anything to stroll down Main Street with her today! So be patient and understanding and I'm sure your trip will be amazing....after all you're going to Disney World!

 

[tednvon]

A little late to jump in but a couple of thoughts.
Unfortunately, her behavior appears to be no surprise to you. My guess is when you accepted the points it crossed your mind that mom could find a way to join you and when she sprung it on you, the bubble burst. Mom is very predicable and this fits in a pattern that has gone on for years and years.

No plane tickets are totally non-refundable. I'll bet that mom has a $50 cancellation fee and she can use them in a year with a new fare plus $50. So, suggestion number umpteen!!

"Mom, I am going to be totally honest with you. Mary (???) and I want to do this trip alone. It is very important to us to have this time together, just the two of us. It has nothing to do with you (white lie), but it is VERY important that we have some special sister time.
Let's plan a 3-4 day trip to Disney next winter and I will cover the cost of the $50 cancellation fee.
I had a really hard time deciding to tell this you this, but I am telling you now as I feel so strongly about it being just Mary and I this time. I am asking you to understand and accept our decision on this particular trip."

Advice is sooooooooooo cheap....but to deal with a master manipulator requires total absolutes, and I fear that her guarantees will begin to fall apart once she has you in Florida. If she pulls the points for the trip, tell her that is fine and you understand. You can use them for the 2-3 day trip next winter. I agree with previous poster, lots of $59-69 a nite condos on VRBO.
Good Luck...and remember, if she does go with you in May, we all hope she surprises you with the pixie dust effect, but do not count on it.

Ted

Good Luck...Ted

 

[Redbudlover]

Boy, tough one. I was all ready to say you needed to be firm with her and say maybe next time, this trip is for your sister and set boundaries. But if she is using her points and you accept them, then I do not feel you can exclude her. In that case you need to use some compassion and make sure she she has a good time too as long as it is not at your expense. She is going to need an ECV - and she is going to need a lot of down time - use the down time for you and your sister. I agree with OP that she probably feels left out and lonely. If she is exercising and agreeing to all your plans then this is very important to her. Have her bring her book or her knitting or whatever and get her a comfy place to wait for you while you ride stuff she can't. My guess is she will need to rest every other day...

 

[gary1955]

that really is a tough one.

if the direct approach won't work, then I have two thoughts.

1. let her know the full costs and that she is expected to pay her full share. she may back out from sticker shock.

2. take her to the West Edmonton Mall for a full simulation. park at the opposite side of the mall from the amusement park. go to the park for some rides, go out shopping, back for more rides etc. make it a 9 or 10 hour day.

 

[tsukata]

I think your problem as much as anything is going to be your own guilt. It's hard for the child to not feel guilty, even if the parent doesn't say a word, if the parent isn't having a good time. Worse yet, if you're a Disney fan and planner, it's easy to start feeling guilty and/or angry when people don't enjoy what you've put together and what you love so much.

I agree with other posters that you should set some boundaries up front. You should tell your mom that you want some time with just your sister, time that your mom is going to need to amuse herself. (Maybe an expensive ADR or activity that she doesn't want to do anyways?)

Even more important though, I think you need to give yourself permission to not care about her feelings for this weekend and to let her take care of herself like you are two adults and not a parent and child. Prepare yourself in advance...think of the things she's likely to say and prepare yourself to not feel guilty or angry or hurt but to respond neutrally. And once you've given her advice (e.g., take a rest break while we go on this ride) and she's refused, drop it.

Plan to be a duck (but not Donald!)...let it roll off your back.

 

[let'sgo]

We took my Mom with us when we went and got an ECV for her. She was able to keep up with us with no problem. She enjoyed getting out and the various meals. It was a trip we will all remember.

Try to make it enjoyable for your Mom as well. If you want some together time with your sister, why don't you schedule time for her at one of the spas. I know that traveling with some people can be a real downer, but she sounds lonely, expecially since she is willing to do everything with you.

Get her a camera ahead of time and tell her you expect her to put together a scrap book of your adventures. She'll need a small notebook so she can keep track of what you did and your thoughts. Tell her what you thought of TOT, for example and have her write it down. Have her take pictures of the restaurants and food you eat.

If she complains it is crowded, remark about how popular the place is and have her take a picture so you can show everyone. If something costs too much, have her take a picture and write down the price to put in the scrap book.

She will be so busy keeping track of everything that she will forget about complaining. Make sure you get pictures of her as well, and all of you with the characters. Make her a part of the trip, and have a trip that you will always remember. Keep her in the loop as well, tell her that next thing we are going to do this and give her an idea of what it is. Don't make it seem as though she is just tagging around behind you and your sister and you don't want her there. That's no fun for her.

Sometimes you just don't know what someone is going thru and you can make all the difference for them.

 

[nikitta28]

I agree with most posters, make a master schedule and stick to it.

Day one, up and out of room by 7am... mk, rope drop, space mtn, lunch at crystal palace, condo after fireworks 1030pm ect...

you can even put in budgeted amounts for food

i hope your condo place has transportation.. if not maybe your sis and you can pitch in for an early cab home for her, they have cabs at T&T center. lugging an ECV in and out of a car/van is a huge PITA

i broke my leg 2 summers ago and was non-weight-bearing for 3 months, i needed an ecv for the parks, you need extra time with them for busses ect..

good luck, be strong, stick to your schedule