Help me not feel like the worst Mom: 3yo in Special Ed

[JamesMom]

I am the mom of two kids: a 5 yo and a soon to be 3 yo.
Both kids had speech problems and were reffered to the county program at around 18 months. My firstborn 'graduated' from the program pretty much caught up to age level and is entering kindergarten next year as planned. He was about a year behind at admittance to the program and really didn't speak until about 2.5 years old and then just took off. Now I can't get him to shut up LOL!
Now my second also had speech delays but I figured he was taking after his brother so I didn't contact the county until he was about 28 months old when his vocabulary wasn't growing at all. He was speaking about 5 words at this point. The county program immediately accepted him and got him set up with a speech therapist/ occupational therapist and even a pyshcologist to help with this sensory issues. I had no clue about 'sensory' issues but just thought he was a more agitated/physical child. He loves very rough phsyical play. His case worker also enlightened me that his constant shrieking and strict adherance to routine with hard fought deviations were not normal toddler behavior. Well, now that he is approaching his 3rd birthday, the county program turns the case over to the public school. He has calmed a bit with the rough physical stuff (still needed, but not constant as before), no longer shrieks, just wails/cries, and handles being left with sitters and transitions much better.
But the language has not radically improved. He speaks about 25-30 words I can understand and about 10-15 that others can understand. But he totally understand what is said to him - ask/tell him something and he will most likely respond appropriately - ie, bring me book, put spoon in sink, etc. If you ask him a question, he does not respond with words, but gestures - points, grunts, leads, etc.
So yesterday was his evaluation and he has been accepted into the half-day special ed preschool program. They also want him to meet with the Occupational Therapist, they didn't say it, but to check him out for Autism. They asked if he was diagnosed for Autism. Sensory kids can be on the very mild Autism scale.
I feel so responsible, like I should have been drilling him more on words, books, etc instead of just letting him be a child. I sincerely hope he outgrows this like his brother. He is a sweet child and our family has just accepted his quirks as who he is, not that there is something 'wrong' with him. I want him to get the help he needs to succeed, but I also don't want the stigma of 'special ed' to follow him around and doom him to underachievement.
I so sad about this so thanks for listening.

 

[shelly3girls]

Please do not beat yourself up about this. At this point you need to be proactive and get him all the help you can. I would not wait for school to start in the summer, I would look into something now. He is still very young and will develop with the proper help.

DD#2 had issues in school and I knew in my heart things were not right. I asked the teachers many times but never really pressed the issue after being told she was fine. After a year I finally demanded she be tested and I was exactly on target with what I thought. After only 2 months of the proper help DD blossomed and continues to improve. We plan to keep it up over the summer so she can start next year where she needs to be. If I had never pressed she would still be struggling. I too think that if this was child #1 I would have been more on top of things and pressed earlier. I cannot think about that now. All I can do is work from here.

 

[PEANUT1]

you sound very sweet....don't beat yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. Take the special help for your son and hopefully he will outgrow it too. If he doesn't, a few months wouldn't have changed things.

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

Don't feel bad for one minute- alot of us have kids with special needs, my eldest child is the picture perfect child & student, gifted program, band, runs track- you get the picture, my second child however has a range of special needs... he has colour deficient vision (colour blindness both red-green and blue-yellow types) which is entirely a genetic thing- nothing anyone could change about that, he was a very lively toddler and i spent ages telling dh & my mother there was "something" but none of them would listen and help me get him looked at- he's 5 now and he is being investigated for issues on the autistic spectrum, he's dyspraxic, has dysgraphia and all the fun that goes with dyspraxia (which may well get their own label eventually) I've done nothing different with him than i did with my eldest... just who he is and no amount of pushing or trying to get him to balance better, write earlier, expose him to more noise or social activity... none of that would have changed it as his issues are neurological ones that have been there since the day he was born, it's just as a toddler it was easy to think everyone has their own rates of development but by age 3/4 little things were starting to show him up to be very different from his peers, I couldn't have picked up on it any sooner because it's doubtful they'd have listened if i'd have mentioned it. The important thing is he's now getting the assistance, help and recognition he needs for his conditions- for us it's not about DS5 changing to fit in- it's about helping DS be himself, quirks, tics and all in a normal world because the world isn't going to change for him as an adult. Like you say- there's nothing wrong with my son because he's always been who he is, it's just who he is isn't the mainstream.

PLEASE don't feel bad for one minute

 

[tink2]

You sound like a very sweet mother who wants what is best for your child. That is the best start. I am a second grade teacher. At this very moment, there is a child in our church who is 5 years old and definitely has many, many autistic 'quirks' and behaviors. It is so obvious- to everyone but the mother. She refuses to accept that something could be wrong and won't talk to her pediatrician or anyone about it. He will start kind. this year and I hope the school system will have him tested soon so he can get the help he needs to succeed. But, there are so many legal issues in the public schools that usually a child isn't tested until later unless it is severe. You are doing the right thing by being proactive and getting your child help now. The earlier the better. I've had many children in my classroom who have had great help/support from their families and have done wonderfully in the regular classroom. Many have tested 'out' of special ed b/c their behaviors/ achievements exceed what is considered to be sp. ed. In Alabama, once you are in special ed.- you are evaluated every so often (maybe every year?) and many children test 'out' of special ed. Not sure if this is true for everywhere. But, just b/c they are in sp. ed early, doesn't mean they will always be in sp. ed. But the key is to find out IF anything is wrong and to get the help he needs now.
Don't fret over this. It is nothing you did wrong or could have done to prevent it. IF something is wrong, your actions wouldn't have stopped it. You sound like a great mom who wants what is best for her children. You are doing the right thing and I know you will help your son be successful.

 

[tinklyn]

jamesmom

I think that you are doing the right thing in getting your child the help that he needs right now. As a parent, I totally understand the self doubt and the constant questioning about doing the right thing. You thought your child was doing fine, or that he was a little delayed and would catch up. You still may be right. Even the professionals do not know everything! However, I will also say that I am a teacher. I have taught preschool and other grade levels for several years. I also teach children with special needs. In my school/state almost everything is fully integrated now. There was very little pull out for my students last year. In fact, next year we may not have any pull out. Even when they move on to the elementary school the students are kept in the classroom as much as possible. I can't say what things are like in your state, however, I think that the trend for everyone is integration. So most of the time, the special education teacher will be working with them in the regular classroom and working with all children in the classroom. Because of this, children don't "know" about special education.

I also feel that you are getting help for him early and that is very important. Two years (or perhaps 3) in preschool will be very good for him. I have had students who were almost non verbal who were talking very well when they finished preschool. Will this 1/2 day program be every day? I would recommend that you have him in a preschool at least 1/2 a day every day. If not this year, next year, find out if he can be in the "regular preschool" in addition to the special education preschool.

I have a nephew and niece that are on the"autistic spectrum." My nephew is the most severe and was hardly saying any words when he started preschool. Now he is saying many words, can count to at least 10, knows the days of the week, basic shapes, colors, and knows the letters in his name.

You are doing great! Keep being an advocate for your child. Preschool will be a great thing because they learn so much from the other children! Good luck!

tinklyn

 

[Fingerpaints]

Don't feel bad. I have one child that was diagnosed with Autism, when through the Early Intervention program and into special ed preschool program. Now he is moving on to Kindergarten and while we are choosing to keep him involved with the special ed dept for now since he is transition classes he will not need it by his next year. He has always been in a mainstream classroom, but a couple of times a week his therapist would come get him for a half hour or so to work with him one on one or in small groups.

He did 2 years of pre-k because he started right at 3 years. His vocab is off the charts now. His sensory seeking behaviors are much more appropriate and he is doing amazing socially. All of his issues are not gone, but have improved so much.

Autism is a scary word and it is a rough journey during the diagnosis process, but it is not the end of the world. Diagnosis can change, so just because they say ASD (autism spectrum disorder) now it could change when you re evaluate again.

There is nothing you did to cause it. You could have drilled him every day and it may have not made one ounce of difference. Please do not try to take this onto your shoulders. It is a very heavy burden. It will weigh you down quickly and help no one in the end. What you can do now is learn everything you can, talk with his teachers, OT and ST and learn from them what you can be doing at home to help. You are part of a team now, and everyone is there with the same goal of helping your son become the best he can be.

You can PM me if you ever need to talk.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Aw! Hugs to you! Kids don't come with instruction manuals, and every child is different. Of course your two kids would be different, and you should not expect yourself to know if something is "wrong". Every child has special needs of some kind, whether it is making sure foods don't touch on a plate or needing extra help with speech. You are doing great getting him the help he needs.

DD5 saw an occupational therapist a few years ago. She had her "quirks" - she liked her shoes and socks so tight they would leave marks on her feet, and she couldn't walk from the school to the car without stopping several times in the parking lot to fix her shoes. Besides being a little annoying , I was worried she had OCD or might be autistic (too much internet reading for me!). She had to have her sleeves rolled up to a certain point on her arm - her teachers even asked me about that. She had to have tags cut out of clothes, etc. She was a very picky eater and would reject things that weren't exactly like she liked them (grilled cheese a little too cooked or cheese not quite melted enough). She was diagnosed with sensory issues, which I had never heard of. I'll never forget what the OT said to me - she said that everyone, even adults, have some kind of sensory issues. It may be the cup of coffee you have to have in the morning or not wanting to eat mushrooms because they are slimy (that's me!), but they are there. Most kids find a way to cope with those issues as they get older, and parents help them by adapting (not mixing peas and carrots on the plate or whatever). Adults cope with their own issues (I just don't eat mushrooms, so I don't gross myself out!) Sensory kids sometimes need help with those coping skills, but they learn to cope. DD5 wears flip flops in the summer because she doesn't need to adjust them. I buy velcro shoes for her so she can adjust them herself. We had adapted to her sensory concerns and she has learned some coping skills of her own. The OT is a great resource, so take full advantage of that for your child.

As far as the speech, my nephew barely spoke a word until her was almost 3. Once he started, he was talking in sentences! He had all the words inside and understood everyone, but he hadn't figured out how to put his own thoughts into words.

Best of luck - there are so many wonderful resources and people who can help your family. You don't have to do it alone!

 

[Keara'sMom]

I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents...I'm a school psychologist who conducts developmental evaluations for kids ages birth to 5 years. You did nothing wrong in letting your child be a kid--he's made gains in many areas, and he's probably pretty happy! I do believe that special education in preschool can help a lot (or else I wouldn't be doing what I do!), and if he makes enough progress, he might not need the services by kindergarten. Here in NY the preschool records can then be sealed and won't follow him or "doom him to underachievement," as you mentioned. To me, it only makes sense to give kids whatever education/therapy they need when they're preschool age (and on into school if needed). Also, it makes sense that parents can be just that...parents! There are plenty of people to teach and work with your child, so you can just love him and let him be him! Sounds like you have a lucky kid!

 

[shelly3girls]

Also, it makes sense that parents can be just that...parents! There are plenty of people to teach and work with your child, so you can just love him and let him be him! Sounds like you have a lucky kid!

This is exactly what I told DH today concerning summer work for my kids. It is nice to hear a pro say it.

 

[Happy Elf]

Please don't beat yourself up! Sounds like you are headed in the right direction. I teach Special Needs preschool and I have had kiddos with sensory issues. The OT can help the teacher set up things that will help your DS on a daily basis. About half my kiddos go into Kindergarten with NO special ed. services!

 

[house_of_princesses]

We do the best we can at the time. No one can expect more of you than your best, including you.

Take the ball now and run with it....

 

[perkinsrose]

When i was first starting teaching and had children with autism, autistic tendencies, & "sensory issues", i got some understanding with this book --

"The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction" by Carol Stock Franowitz & Larry Silver.

I'm sure theres tons more resources/books on the topic by now but i know this one is a good one and not too technical for a parent/someone not in the field.


As a reading specialist--the best advice i can offer for language development is to READ READ READ every day to him as much as you can fit in. Also flood him with language--reflect to him about what he's doing ie) "You have the blue truck. You're driving on the track." etc. Singing songs & reading poetry with rhythm & rhyme can be very effective in supporting language. Pretend Play toys like kitchen sets and dressup clothes can foster alot of language & interaction. Like other posters said, your primary job is to parent him but the little things you do at home can only help his progress with teachers & others.

I know the guilt issue with my own kids. "If only I had..." "If i had known..." You do the best you can with the knowlege you have. Give yourself a break--He's SOO young. There is so much growth that happens before age 5. I wish you the best and hope you have a great people on your child's 'team".

 

[SmallWorld71]

They also want him to meet with the Occupational Therapist, they didn't say it, but to check him out for Autism. Sensory kids can be on the very mild Autism scale.
Definitely have the OT check him out. Any sensory issues, whether he is on the spectrum or not, can be helped with therapy. My nephew(9) has SID and has been receiving OT for about 5 years and it has done wonders for him.
I feel so responsible, like I should have been drilling him more on words, books, etc instead of just letting him be a child.
You didn't do anything wrong. All the drilling in the world would not have magically made a speech disabilty, SID, autism or any other disability magical not appear.
He is a sweet child and our family has just accepted his quirks as who he is, not that there is something 'wrong' with him.
Of course you accepted him the way he is! That's what parents do. They love their children unconditionally and help them be the best that they can. As both an educator of special needs students and a parent of a special needs student, know that they are trying to help your son.
I want him to get the help he needs to succeed, but I also don't want the stigma of 'special ed' to follow him around and doom him to underachievement.
Legally, a child must be evaluated every 3 years to see if they still qualify for special education services and the earlier a child recieves services, the less likely that they will need them as they get older.I so sad about this so thanks for listening.

When i was first starting teaching and had children with autism, autistic tendencies, & "sensory issues", i got some understanding with this book --

"The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction" by Carol Stock Franowitz & Larry Silver.

I'm sure theres tons more resources/books on the topic by now but i know this one is a good one and not too technical for a parent/someone not in the field.
Wonderful resource! I had to fight tooth and nail with DNephew's school system to get him services and this book was invaluable.QUOTE]

Just wanted to throw in my own personal experience. DS12 did not utter more than a random grunted syllable until after he was 3. He has severe auditory processing and ADHD and started receiving SPED services as a toddler. He really struggled when he entered school with both academics and behavior. In fact DS9 could read before he could! Anyway, with the right therapies and SPED services he made good progress and in 5th grade he was dropped from special ed and is doing just fine this year in 6th grade. Hang in there, it will be O.K.!

Ugh! Messed up the whole multi-quote thing so I put my words in red.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I know it's tough, and I feel for you.

What I do when I'm having challenges with my kids is focus on what do we need to do to get to the best outcome?

Not how I screwed up (because we all do as parents), but what is the best solution going forward?

If you're beating yourself up about past choices, it makes it hard to make the best decisions for your future.

I try to say, Ok, what does my kid need right now that will help them tomorrow, and the next day, and the next? And I re-evaluate, a lot, and do a lot of course corrections when I think what they need has changed.

And yep, I make mistakes every now and then and beat myself up about it, but then I say, ok, screwed up, how do I course correct?

You're a good mom, just keep focused on what your kids need

 

[JamesMom]

Thanks for all the kind replies. The preschool program through the public school is daily for 2.5 hours M-F. My 5yo will start kindergarten at the same school and they are working with me to get them on the same bus, though I have no problem driving them.
I also grew up in NY and thought that 'special ed' followed you around, don't know about TX though.
I am already preparing myself for a delayed entry to kindergarten for him so that should give him 3 years to intergrate - one of the benefits of a July birthday.
Hopefully, once the OT has a look at him we can be armed with more answers.
Currently, he is with the county program until July where he meets with an average of 1-2 therapists a week in our home.
Thanks again for listening and offering such encouragement. It's not quite so bad the next morning

 

[In a hurry]

My nephew was a late talker. He understood, but didn't really begin talking until he learned to read at 5.

Be kind to yourself, and good luck dealing with "the system." Trust your instincts, don't let this overshadow them.

 

[MindyLuvsMickey]

Definitetly don't beat yourself up. Every child is different and develops at their own rate. It's sometimes really hard to spot challenges when they are presented especially when you had a child with similar characteristics that has since outgrown them.

I taught in a special ed. preschool for 4 years and am now working as a developmental therapist with a local Early Intervention program. Lots of families feel the same way you do.

The good news is, the earlier you are able to get help the better chances will be for progress and success. You are doing the right thing.

Like a PP mentioned, reading is definitely a great way to increase vocabulary. Just talking and labeling everything in sight is also a good idea. If you're little one has trouble with processing information, be sure to use simple language, trying to gain eye contact when speaking.

Best wishes!

 

[trivial]

It's no doubt natural to feel like you're somehow responsible, because that makes you feel like you have greater control over it. It sounds like you're doing a great deal for your son. I saw nothing that would make me think you're a bad mom; just the opposite.

 

[Tinkerbell1108]

What ever you do, do not think it is your fault. I have twin boys, Matty and Peter, who were both speech delayed. I knew something was wrong when my friends son was talking at 2 and my boys were not speaking at all.

When they were 2 Matty was saying hay and hi, and that is it. Peter did not speak at all. So one day we went to our county fair and bumped into a person working for the College of New Jersey and they had a program to work with the students going to school for speech therapy. They both started going to the college twice a week. All they did was show them flash cards over and over to get there vocabulary higher. It was helping but not exactly what they needed. So one day at the college we bumped into a teacher who was there with her son and she told me about the county program. Probably the same thing you are doing.

It was the best thing I ever did. They had to be tested and they both got in. It was in the public school system, half day program. They saw there speech therapist 2 to 3 time a week. It has done the world a good.

Matt and Pete are 5 now and starting Kindergarten in the fall, but they are going to be in a smaller special, not special ed class, but smaller for the kids not used to being in large classes. They are used to being in classes were there were 2 or 3 teachers for 12 kids. They are both fine and like you said I can't get them to shut up. Doctors thought Peter had Autism at first too, but he does have echolalia, which is when you echo everything you hear. So that took a while to get him to understand that that is not right. But he is doing much better now that he is older and understands that is is wrong to echo everything.

But one thing you can do about the grunting is put index cards with the word of what it is on everything that he needs. Like the toy box and the fridge and cabinets and every time he wants something make him point to what he wants and you say what it is over and over again. Make him try but if he does not do it is ok, he is hearing it over and over again. For "Yes" and "No" make a big smily face and write YES on it and then do the same for no but a frown face. Every time you ask him a question make him point and try to say yes and no every time. This helped my boy stop grunting. Do not except the grunt, make him point to something and try to say it. It took a while but it really worked. There speech therapist told me to do this and it was great.

The program was really great, I don't know what state you are in but I am in New Jersey and we have the "no kid left behind" program going on. Which is the best thing that ever happened in public schools, The test them all the time and make sure they are were they need to be. Peter is really smart and at 3 could say all the letters and there sounds and count to 100. But was not yet there with his communication. So they made sure he was being taught at the right level for him and he can read now. His communications skills are much better but they are not yet at the normal level for a 5 year old. But I am hoping that by the time !st grade comes everything will be fine.

So lots of luck to you and do not blame yourself. My boys did not what to listen to me talk when they were babies. They hated reading books. All they wanted was to talk to each other in there twin language. I blamed myself for so long. But it is not your fault.