HELP me like my dd again!

[luvmyfam444]

She's REALLY getting on my nerves with her sassing & flat out defiance. Today she told me she had picked up all the toys in her room & naturally when I looked they were all still out. Then I went into the LR to this HUGE mess of snackmix dumped out on the floor & of course she said her sis did (which sis did most of) but dd#1 did help w/the mess by dumping out some of the mix as well - so here she lied about that too....

NOW she is 8...knows better - why the heck she'd pour out snackmix on the carpet is beyond me @ this age - OR watch her sister do it?? OF course I lost it & yelled @ her again ('cause it was 5 mins after finding the mess in her bedroom) & made her vacuum it up & yelled @ her about missing her game tonight that if her grandparents wouldn't have driven 1hr over I wouldn't have let her go - yadda yadda yadda....& sent her outside to wait for us before leaving.....

These seem like minor problems I know but there is something like this daily..& it's getting REALLY old....I just don't know what to do with her....she used to be so easy & good & obeyed all the time & so sweet.....I want to get it back!

There has to be someway...

And no, she isn't "into" anything that I could take away (doesn't watch videos or play games or have over friends anything like that)

I just don't feel I can let these things slide by 'cause it's only gonna get worse as she gets older ...and I've GOT to contain my temper/yelling @ her (especially when all the windows are open in the house!) AND feel terribly guilty when I've yelled @ her all a.m. before taking her to school & that's how she starts her school day....yelling is actually new - used to not yell (didn't need to she was so good!) but now that seems like all I ever do....

PLease share your ideas....

 

[ktpool]

I wish I had some advice, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. My dd just turned 9 last week. There have been many mornings that I yell at her before school and the I feel so horrible all day for starting her day like that. I lay in beb at night sometimes thinking about what I could have done better..not yelled, helped them clean up their room instead of getting mad at them for makeing a mess, etc. I want to wake them up just to tell them I love them (but then again, maybe I love them because they are asleep!).

I am sure it will get better. My dd is actually doing better...but now the 6 year old is kicking up the obnoxiousness.

good luck

 

[SunFloridaDisney]

This was a good help

"ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool" by Hal Edward Runkel; www.screamfree.com

 

[Longsx3]

When Dh first left(see pic) I found myself yelling alot too, DD (9) and I sat down and talked about it. I explained that I don't like yelling and that I feel bad for doing it, then we talked about the choices that she was making and what she could do differently. My yelling was definitely not her fault, because I should be able to handle what ever situation better but she was definitely pushing my buttons with her behavior. It has worked out, we are both doing things differently.


To the OP 2 things stick out to me:
NOW she is 8...knows better - why the heck she'd pour out snackmix on the carpet is beyond me @ this age - OR watch her sister do it??

If DD 8 did this it is definitely wrong however if younger DD did this I don't think it would be ok for DD (8) to police her. I don't think it would be fair to make her responsible for a younger siblings actions.

& yelled @ her about missing her game tonight that if her grandparents wouldn't have driven 1hr over I wouldn't have let her go - yadda yadda yadda....& sent her outside to wait for us before leaving.....

That was the perfect opportunity for punishment, IMO if you want the behaviors to stop she should have missed the game showing her the consequences of her actions. I would have skipped the yelling and said to Grandparents I am sorry this has happened but DD has to learn consequences and missing the game is one of them. I am hopeful the GP's would have been supportive.


Good luck, this age( DD(9)) is a very difficult one, not just behavior but for the girls learning about their bodies, their friends and social pressures at school.

 

[HaleyB]

Holy cow, your daughter must be my daughter's twin. She is also 8 and all of a sudden we have attitude, sassing, and white lies. Also she has learned to turn on the tears if need be, which really guilts me and so works a little too well.

I also have found myself raising my voice more than I like. When I do manage not to it is often by reminding myself that a strong will and a mind of your own are great traits in a young lady. I just need to teach her when to use that strong will and mind of her own.

I used to worry that she never spoke up for herself and was too quiet and good. LOL.

 

[marjie8230]

Okay! I feel like an old pro at parenting and the one piece of advice I have for you is... Don't feel guilty for scolding your child when they have done something wrong. Obviously, you need to save the freak-out sessions for the really big stuff, but scolding is how we communicate to our your our dissatisfaction with their behavior.

The true question is, what are you doing to communicate your SATISFACTION with their behavior. At some point during the day you must find something that you can honestly complement them on. Don't fake it or you just ruined it. Pick something real, something repeatable, something memorable and then personalize it with a story about you, daddy, aunt suzy. Let her peak inside your heart even though right now she may be defiant, she wants your approval and attention most of all.

Just love her. You know what you're doing. Don't take away your pwer by second guessing yourself. One thing is for sure... If you are remembering a crummy morning, she is too. Try to minimize those from happening but be sure to discuss them when she gets home in the afternoon.

Also, another big one is pray for her. Pray an earnest prayer when you are driving in the car on the way to school, when she is sleeping. outloud and silently... Most of all let her know that you are praying for her and ask her to pray for you. Satan loves to drive a wedge between parents and children. It is the easiest wedge to drive and our society EXPECTS children to be defiant and abusive to their parents. Ask her to pray that your relationship be mended because it means so much to you. Children have a special connection with God also. (My dd prayed for 3 years for a baby brother, God listened.)

Bless you with this. I'll pray for you too if you would like.