Help! I need advice re MIL tagging along

[snickerboo]

Is your MIL my MIL's long-lost twin? We leave in 2+ weeks and still haven't told her for fear of your situation!

I think honesty is always the best policy (and it has to come from your dh): "We really wnat to have a family vacation just the four of us. Taking the kids to Disney is very special and we want that bonding experience as a family." If she can't take that it's up to your dh to say, "Mom, I love you but we didn't invite you. It's important to me to have this as a special time with my wife and kids." If she cries and causes problems after that, don't let it spoil your vacation. You probably won't get to not have her there and have her accept ti, so you should do whichever is best for you and your family. After all, it will be no vacation for you if she tags along, right? Your MIL has to learn at some point that her passive-aggressive games don't work or she'll never quit with them.

 

[Willow25]

Oh my I feel so sorry for you. I really believe that you should have your DH tell her NO. If she choses to pout for months and not speak to you then great that would probably be a nice break for you. To me you need to teach her that she can not control you with that kind of behaviour. If she is going to act like a two year old then you will have to treat her like one.

A Disney vacation is so expensive and is such hard work. You should be allowed to enjoy it with your children. If she goes you will be pissed off and angry the entire time.

I have a similar situation with my in-laws and I have learned that the sooner you put your foot down and make those boundaries the happier you will be.

Whatever you and your family decide I hope you have a great time.

 

[PaulaSue]

It sounds like it is worth the cold shoulder.

Or I would make the hotel ressies and meal ressies and THEN let her know them and a BIG of ground rules and tell her if she is still interesed she can book her stuff. Buy her a walky-talky to as a gift, to help in the meeting up while there.

IMOP, that is crazy with her telling your kids what they can and can't do. Especially riding the rides. They are SO MILD compared to our local park.

 

[Chris]

ACK, I'd poke my eyes out before going on vacation with her!!!
I wish you tons of luck, I'd be telling my husband to tell his mother she is not coming on vacation with his family.

Good luck.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

I am afraid that I am one of those mil's who invited themselves on their daughter's family Disney vacation.

They got a chance to go on a work related trip and were going to have several meetings so I quickly booked a trip and we drove down there. We picked them up at the airport and boy were the boy's glad to see grandma. (I take care of them while their parents work. Get paid in love ) Took them to their resort, dropped them off. Two days later when the parents had a meeting I went over, picked the boys up and kept them for the day, taking them back when the parents returned. Two days later I took care of them again while their parents did their duty. I left my brand, spanking new car for them to use the last two days.

I think my sil was a bit scared when I 'invited' myself but little did he know that I did not want to hang out with them all the time either.

I have no idea how some families manage being together at DW the entire time. Everyone likes different things and it is hard enough making 2-4 people happy let alone more.

Might I suggest that if your 'dear' mil insists on going and you cannot discourage her (I would NOT have gone if I had not been certain of being useful instead of a pain in the rear or had been told not to come. ) maybe you can convince her to take her picky self in one direction while you all go in another and maybe just get together for a meal once or twice? Does she babysit? Maybe you can make lemonade out of the lemon and garner a bit of You and He time for yourselves.

BTW, a wife trumps a mom. Most mil's are wise enough to know that especially if they remember when they were the wife.

Good luck and best wishes for a fun family trip, Slightly Goofy

 

[SILLYANDI]

Does she babysit? Maybe you can make lemonade out of the lemon and garner a bit of You and He time for yourselves.

BTW, a wife trumps a mom. Most mil's are wise enough to know that especially if they remember when they were the wife.

Good luck and best wishes for a fun family trip, Slightly Goofy

If she babysat at least I would have SOMETHING to look forward to. We went to Hawaii with them a few years ago and one of the kids was sick. DH and I had very special dinner reservations at a favorite restaurant (for the whole family), but what to do with the sick one. No problem, MIL offered to go with her husband (who is spineless jellyfish), DH and my other kids while I tended to the sick one. She truely thought this was a favor for me, considering I didn't have to take care of the other 3 kids while one was puking her brains out! In DH's defense, he said absolutely not and wanted to stay with me at hotel, but I told him it didn't make any sense for us both to miss out(I was having a pity party, I have to admit, but the other kids were really excited about going too).
I guarantee that she will not spend any time alone with the kids (they are too much for her, supposedly) and we will not get time alone unless we hide & lie.
I have obsessed about every detail of this vacation and feel like it's all for nothing. I keep playing out in my mind how Cinderella's breakfast is going to suck and how we are going to have to get up early to get out of the hotel before they spot us.
DH needs to stop her now before I go insane! Thanks, I'll let you all know how it goes!

 

[ApolloSaturnV]

Honesty, no matter how painful at the time, will never desert you. . .

 

[Nik's Mom]

I'd have dh just explain that this vacation is important to your family (you, dh and your kids). Explain that you will be comando touring the parks and will not have time to slow down, will be going to certain restaurants, etc. And if dh doesn't want to have that talk, then make it clear that she must have her own room, and that you must have separate time.

 

[jonestavern]

You may lose the battle of her going but you don't need to lose the war. Write out a list of things you are doing and (so you can remember) and talk to her. Say the kids WILL be going on the rides if it bothers you maybe you shouldn't go
WE will be splitting up we already bought our radios so you should get one too.
We have ADR's for these rest. if you don't think you'll like them there are plenty of others YOU can eat at and we'll meet later remember the radio. Smile and say of course we love you and want you but we wanted to make sure you know what we already have planned and can't dissapoint the kids. We already have our room booked and Disney can't guarantee room location so it most likely will not be on the ground floor. I know your DH should be doing this but I have learned sometimes they just won't and I had to say something to my MIL a few times and you know what my overall treatment never changed but at least the way she treated the kids got better. reinforce the above a lot and hand her a radio so she can practice and be firm, it is hard hopefully your DH will help you. And I wouldn't offer to do any of the arranging if she wants to go let her ask for the airline info and make her own arrangements. If she still goes don't bend to her let the kids have fun all she can do is complain and she does that anyway, give in occasionally and let her pick the food but that would be it, and if she stole my kids toys I would be ratting her out so fast... My goodness she could have bought 2 more for herself.

if she balks I would say, in my most caring voice,"Gee, you really didn't like the same rooms, food or our parenting style last trip. we really don't want to be a drag on you or cramp your style, so here's the radios, here's how to use them. this way you can do the parks your way. We can meet for_____(breakfast, lunch, Fantasmic etc). this way you can enjoy your day doing as you prefer." If she started to whine, I'd say firmly, "Yes, you're right. You may not enjoy this new change, maybe in a few years when the kids are older we'll get together for a short trip" this said whether she actually made the exact complaint or no It's all in the tone of voice.
Yes, your DH should handle it but if he doesn't give him the heads up--he might hear another story from MIL--. IMHO, I wouldn't give her a shred of hope for any immediate future vacations or you'll be doing a replay next year!
If you must, after you leave(hopefully by yourselves ) send her a floral arrangement, something small(no funerary wreathes )--
Hopefully, she will give you the deep freeze & dear, don't you give it a moments thought
You could always print out this thread if she really goes on a rant!

Jean

 

[SILLYANDI]

OK, after I scrolled through and read all of your posts I got a knot the size of a watermelon in my stomach. I called DH (I'm at work) and gave it to him. I told him he needed to call her before I got home tonight or he was going alone with her on the trip! It's not fair that I did all of this work for US and HE was going to flush it all down the toilet in the name of keeping peace...
He just called back and let me know that it's done. He basically sold it to her as "gee, I've been thinking about this, what's at WDW that you would like to do? Rides? NO. Characters? NO. Early Mornings, Late Nights & greasy burgers? NO. Hotels that don't take room preferences? No HMMM... Why would you subject yourself to a vacation in a place that has none of the things you look for in a vacation?"
Her answer was to spend time with the kids and watch them enjoy themselves. He reminded her of our few trips to Disneyland (we go weekly, she comes along 1-2 times a year and is miserable) and how she hates the place and makes the kids sad because she tells them horrible things about the rides (did you know someone fell out of Dumbo once and died? according to MIL telling kids!) He suggested maybe this trip just isn't going to be as joyous as she expects and added the fact that we have our ADR's and can't fit 2 more in (sorry Disney rules )
So his compromise was a weekend trip to San Diego (sea world & wild animal park) where it's more laid back and not so confining (last San Diego trip they left early because she had a fit over dinner plans). She seemed Ok with this, although she hinted at maybe joining us for the cruise portion (can you hide on a ship? I'll let you know) I'm still happy with that because we can tuck the kids in at the kids programs and snorkel off into the sunset, or the bar where I know she would never follow (afraid of water and freaky about alcohol )

Thank you all, it took reading your posts to convince myself that I'm not the crazy one!

 

[Willow25]

YEAH I am so happy for you and your family. Your DH really stepped up. I know what it is like to have crazy in laws so I was really feeling your pain. I am one of those DIL's who can not laugh at Everybody Loves Raymond because I can relate too well to their situation.

Have a wonderful trip with your family and good luck with the cruise.

 

[jonestavern]

3 cheers to your DH!
Hoping your vacation is tops!

Jean

 

[epcotfan]

I'm relieved for you. I'm glad your husband sorted things out. Hope you have a wonderful vacation!

 

[cannp123165]

I am really happy for you- I am glad it is all sorted out

 

[PoohGal05]

That's great! I'm glad everything worked out for you. I was going to suggest like someone else had: keep your trip a secret in the future, at least until you're at the airport or something, just in case something happens. That's what we're doing with our upcoming Disney trip. It's my mom and myself going, and we haven't mentioned anything to my sister or brother when we're going, much less that we're going!

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

I am so glad that things are working out for you and yours.

Your husband handled it all so well.

I have a thought. It sounds as if your mil is such an unhappy person that she might not have many, if any, friends and so she depends on you guys far too much and that is not healthy for anyone, including her. I wonder if there is any way to get her involved in something and someone else so that she will not be so clingy.

The only good thing I can think about this whole situation is in that she is not YOUR mom. You would have had to spend far more years with her.

I sort of feel sorry for her too though as I know some people like her. They tend to all call me and complain. I try to get them to call each other but that does not work.

Slightly Goofy (who does not BABYSIT her grandkids but they come to VISIT almost daily) I love it and enjoy giving my daughter and sil what I did not have, a willing and low maintaince grandparent.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband just informed me that my MIL has invited herself on our vacation. I'm not at all thrilled, but should have expected it, she ALWAYS does stuff like this. Our last vacation with her was HORRIBLE. Even the kids complained, and DH & I agreed to NEVER do it again.
She basically guilted DH into inviting her (she claimed that the kids were rubbing it in that she was not invited because Mommy said so, then played the hurt grandma with an evil DIL. I didn't say anything of the sort, I ABSOLUTELY NEVER say a bad word to her or about her in front of the kids-they can figure out her flaws on their own) DH said "We would never say you can't go" G-ma translation "we'd love to have you"
Anyway, we tried brainstorming how to disinvite her (she doesn't have the vacation info yet & has not booked anything so she won't lose any money at this point) but the best we could do was "we'd rather you not go" which would be followed by crying & the cold shoulder for months-probably heaped with tons of guilt that would surface everytime the vacation is mentioned for eternity.
Any ideas of how to do it without the theatrics (or guilt)?
If we can't talk her out of going how do I deal with MY issues-
3 biggest concerns-
1)She is self centered & mental- very picky eater, has to eat at certain times, claustrophobic & afraid of heights (needs to be on ground floor near entrance), list goes on & on-and forces these issues on the whole party (ie kids are not allowed on rollercoasters they may fall off!, we all have to eat at HER restaurant choice at HER time) We all have to move about as a group, no going off on our own and meeting up later-God forbid something memory making should happen and she's not a part.
2)She is passive agressive- If we don't agree with her (let the kids ride!) she pouts and doesn't get over it. If we say we are going to eat somewhere else and meet up with her later-she will go with us then eat two bites and complain about not liking anything on the menu. She makes comments like "I really think you shouldn't wear blue" like she's being helpful.She whines like a 5 yr old. She even stole my kids happy meal toys on our last trip because she wanted the whole collection (not kidding she STOLE them right out of the boxes and when the kids questioned her she denied it even though I was sitting next to her and saw them in her purse!!)
3)She thinks she's the mom & I'm the hired help. This bothers me the most, the kids will say "mom, why is the sky blue" and before I can breath she is answering. I have a ton of great pictures of the back of her head because I'd get the kids all posed for a picture then she'd step IN FRONT of me to get a better shot! She is constantly reprimending them and telling them what they can & can't do ("Dad can we ride space mountain?" G-Ma butts in with "absolutely not you're going to get hurt!"). My kids are VERY well behaved-friends & strangers are always complimenting us on their behavior, but she micromanages them.

Please Help I was so excited about this trip and now I just want to cry!
Andrea

Your 3rd point is MY mom to the tee.

She has gone with DH, myself and the kids on our last 3 vacations. We took her to WDW last September and that was it. I finally had enough! I love her to death and wouldn't know what to do without her but I just told her we need to do a family vacation with just "our" family.
She pouted and whined and every now and then will bring up that she's not going with us this year. But I hold my ground. It is nice to have an extra set of hands to help with the kids. Plus she will watch the kids a night or 2 so DH and I can go out alone. But I just don't want the added stress this year. We are going just the 4 of us.

Talk to DH and stand your ground!

 

[tiggercrew]

I'm so glad everything is working out for you. Now, go ahead and finish making your plans and enjoy every moment of it.

Have a wonderful trip!

 

[snickerboo]

Woohoo for you!

No, you are not crazy! There is no way I would take the MIL with us to Disney.

 

[poohfriend]

i'm happy for you.

Be sure to give your DH a high five and some pixie dust. It's never easy to call ones mother and tell her to go to sea world instead of DisneyWorld!!!

HOORAY

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