Help... Husband has a son!

[Heidict]

Wow, I can imagine the shock you are going through. I don't know what I would do on this situation. I wish you all the best of luck.

 

[horseshowmom]

There is a regular poster on the Dis who had her husband's unknown grown child contact them out of the blue, but this is quite a bit different than that.

I hope for the best for you and your family. How did the boy find out that your husband was his dad? Or has he always known? How frustrating that the mother didn't share it with your husband first.

Having been foster parents will definitely be a plus in this situation even though the boy is his own child.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!

Well my dh was blindsided a five yrs ago with a dd. She was over 18 though.

Right now they are not really close with each other. Not sure what is going on there.

I would tell you to be supportive and just take it one day at a time. Certainly contact all the legal channels and get a paternity test done.

I would tell you to lawyer up and then let them guide you.

 

[wdwmom3]

Hope all goes well. I wouldn't get to stressed over any back child support right now. I don't know what it is like where you are but here it is unlikely a court would ever order back child support when the father didn't know the child existed. Simply because there is no way could have known that they had an obligation to pay support.

 

[OceanAnnie]

What a rapid life changing moment.

You have gotten a lot of great advice.

I only wanted to add that I hope the boy gets the help he needs, and the experience is as painless as possible for everyone. It's going to be some hard times adjusting to all that is new. But there is potential for happiness too.

It's stressful, hard news. Above all, be extra kind to yourself and your DH. I know you will be extra kind to the boy. I hope everything works out well.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would do exactly what my attorney says and proceed very, very carefully.

I would keep my attorney advised of every move I make with this child in this situation.

I understand that he is a 13 year old boy. I understand that he is telling you how hard his life has been. I understand that your first instinct is to protect.

But for your own protection and the protection of your family, you MUST proceed very carefully and logically with this and try and keep your emotions in check as much as possible.

There are so many "what ifs" in this situation, that it boggles the mind.
What if the boy's homelife isn't what he says it is?
What if the boy ran away from home and his mother doesn't know where he is?
What if you guys get accused of kidnapping and the child corroborates that story for some reason?

These are the 1st 3 questions that pop into my head.

Remember, there are 3 sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth. The truth usually lies somewhere in between.

A child who sounds as if they might be "troubled" who showed up on my doorstep out of the blue...well, let's just say while I wouldn't be cruel to the boy, I'd be treading very, very carefully.

 

[kellyg403]

Hope all goes well. I wouldn't get to stressed over any back child support right now. I don't know what it is like where you are but here it is unlikely a court would ever order back child support when the father didn't know the child existed. Simply because there is no way could have known that they had an obligation to pay support.

Yes, I have heard that as well.

OP, it sounds like you guys have things moving in the right direction legally with dna testing and a lawyer to guide you through the channels. I would leave all that stuff up to them and you guys work on figuring out how to get to know your dh's son.

It sounds like there is trouble in his home, and it sounds like he is reaching out for help. I hope you will update in a few months on how things are going. Realisically the person (mom) who should have taken care of this years ago is going to be the biggest problem.

K

 

[Tiggeroo]

I don't really believe you can be charged for retroactive child support for a child you knew nothing about. The mother chose to not tell the father and deprive him of 13 years with his son. That was her responsibility. Here in nj you are required to list a father when you apply for govt assistance. I wonder what was put here.

 

[Allison]

I don't really believe you can be charged for retroactive child support for a child you knew nothing about. The mother chose to not tell the father and deprive him of 13 years with his son. That was her responsibility. Here in nj you are required to list a father when you apply for govt assistance. I wonder what was put here.

I think you can be responsible for back child support especially if the government has been picking up the tab. Might depend on location.

 

[Allison]

This has all moved so quickly from the details in your post. I didn't even know you could get DNA results done and back that quickly. You must be talking to the mother during all of this since you have had a DNA test and he is already going to stay with you. What is she saying to you and your husband? Why now? Why did she have the son show up at your door?

 

[OceanAnnie]

This has all moved so quickly from the details in your post. I didn't even know you could get DNA results done and back that quickly. You must be talking to the mother during all of this since you have had a DNA test and he is already going to stay with you. What is she saying to you and your husband? Why now? Why did she have the son show up at your door?

Have the DNA results been reported? I didn't catch that. I thought it was pending. I thought the OP and her husband were just going to have the boy over for the night, but that didn't have anything to do with the DNA test. I could be wrong though.

Like you stated, I always read it takes a long time to get DNA results.

 

[tmarquez]

I think you can be responsible for back child support especially if the government has been picking up the tab. Might depend on location.

They can try but the "laches" defense will most likely take care of it. Get a DNA test no matter what!

 

[Allison]

Have the DNA results been reported? I didn't catch that. I thought it was pending. I thought the OP and her husband were just going to have the boy over for the night, but that didn't have anything to do with the DNA test. I could be wrong though.

Like you stated, I always read it takes a long time to get DNA results.

You are right. I read it as they knew he was the father so they were having the boy over but the post doesn't actually say that.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It's a tough position to be in all the way around.

Can you imagine how much courage it took for the boy to sit on the steps of a stranger's house and then have to say something that is such a gaping hole in a young person's life?

Then the OP had to have grace to receive it and empathy for the boy all while processing what it means to her marriage and the changes to come.

It make me tear up to think about it.

 

[Trish.Glenn]

Original OP here!
DNA test has been done no results yet, but he looks just like my DH. (There are some other genetic things that make me and my DH believe it is true)

I am not sure why the son or his mother have contacted us now other than I think the son is way to much to handle for the mom.
The mom and son have been in contact with DH mother for about 8 months, an alcoholic who my DH speaks to only a couple times a year.

As for child support that seems to be a very gray area, on paying retroactively when you have no knowledge.

The son has lived all over the place, looks like 5 different schools in the last 8 years and now is living in a housing project. My DH and I went the house to speak with the sons mother is was awful.

As for the son sleeping at our house tonight, the kid asked and DH said yes....

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't have any experience with this, however, if this happened to me, after the initial shock and bewilderment (!) I'm almost certain I would be thrilled, especially if this is my husband's only child.

In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel happy and excited! I really love children, though. I would think for someone who wasn't used to kids or didn't want kids, etc, there would be a whole different set of emotions going on.

Good luck! I'm interested in hearing how this turns out.

Oh, and to your dh, congratulations!

 

[Hrhpd]

Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!

Yes I am in mass and we have had a DNA test. That was the first thing we did. He is just staying the night tomorrow, 1 night. My husband Is not listed in the birth certificate but we go to court in a couple weeks. He does have a chins order on him but I do not know how or where it came from. DYS ( sorry I called it DSS) is involved but I don't know why yet. Oh and we got a lawyer....

Government assistance NOT on her own at all. We did speak to a lawyer but it is what it is.

Thanks but not for a few years. It got so hard when the kids left, really hard when they would go back to bad circumstances.

Original OP here!
DNA test has been done no results yet, but he looks just like my DH. (There are some other genetic things that make me and my DH believe it is true)

I am not sure why the son or his mother have contacted us now other than I think the son is way to much to handle for the mom.
The mom and son have been in contact with DH mother for about 8 months, an alcoholic who my DH speaks to only a couple times a year.

As for child support that seems to be a very gray area, on paying retroactively when you have no knowledge.

The son has lived all over the place, looks like 5 different schools in the last 8 years and now is living in a housing project. My DH and I went the house to speak with the sons mother is was awful.

As for the son sleeping at our house tonight, the kid asked and DH said yes....

Very confused.

You have been a foster parent, working in they system, within the past 13 years (kid was conceived before you were together, so you and your husband have only been together for less than 13 years), yet you have no idea how the system works or even the correct name. And from what you have posted, this was not a one time foster experience, since you said you had to quit because it was getting too hard to send the kids back. Every experienced foster parent I know, knows the system better than the social workers.

You were able to make an appointment and get a DNA test on a MINOR without getting the DFS involved (and you knew they are involved in his life). Within a week of meeting this child. And again, the most important: WITHOUT getting permission from DFS or the courts.

Story is being added to as people question it. Mother has now been talking to alcoholic grandmother for 8 months, yet never told the dad.

Sorry, but after the Leukemia mom and the pregnant mom running to Canada, I am quite suspicious of crazy stories that don't add up.

Hard to believe all of this has gone down in just a week. However, OP, if it is true, I apologize and wish you good luck. Glad you are accepting the child.

 

[Allison]

You have a another stepson, correct? Have you told him about this?

 

[TeresaNJ]

So sorry for the stress and ordeal of what you and your husband are going through. Hopefully this is a blessing in disguise.

This happened to DH & I almost two years ago, finding out that he had a daughter. My DH & I had been married 11 years at the time, second marriages for both of us. I have three children from a previous marriage, all adults now, he had no children with his first wife.

I was on FB and noticed I had a message from someone whose name I didn't recognize. She asked if I knew ......... From her profile picture she appeared a young adult. I was like, "and, why do you want to know?" Of course, all kinds of crazy things are going through my mind. She says, "I think he is my father"! Yikes! Then she goes on to say she is over 18, she doesn't want anything, she just wants to know where she came from. She tells me to ask DH if the name ........ means anything to him. Well, as soon as she said the name, I knew she was probably his daughter, as DH was stationed in Korea in the Army, and had dated this women during that time, and he had told me about her during our getting to know each other conversations.

I go out and ask him if he remembers ......, and he has a blank look on his face. I said, does the name Heather mean anything to you (daughter's name), and he says no, the only Heather he knew was ex-wife's cousin. I then proceed to tell him I think he has a daughter. He turned white as a ghost and was in complete disbelief.

She told me all about her likes and dislikes, and it was eerie how similar she is to DH. She is also built just like him. Anyway, we found out her mom had gotten pregnant right before DH was sent back to the US, and she never let him know. I have no idea why. Apparently when Heather was about to graduate from HS a few months prior, and enlist in the Air Force, her mom was looking at her graduation picture, and thinking about how much she looked like her father, my DH, and broke down and told her.

So, after the initial shock of finding out, DH called his daughter, they had a nice phone conversation, and the mom asked if she could call DH. She has since been married a few times and has four other children, and is still married to the father of the youngest three. She never told DH why she didn't tell him about Heather, and DH has never asked. He felt it wasn't important at the time. I will never understand how men's minds work!

Anyway, he met Heather a few months later, after she was home on leave, as she lives a few states away. According to DH they had a great lunch, and spent several hours talking. DH brought pictures of his family to show her. Heather's mom sent DH tons of photos of Heather growing up, via email.

You would think this has a great ending, but after a year or so had gone by, with DH sending Heather texts weekly, and calling her occasionally, Heather has basically stopped communicating with DH. It pisses me off, as well as breaks my heart.

She was medically discharged from the Air Force due to migraines and fibromyalgia, and has decided to stay in North Dakota since she met her significant other a year ago. I guess all she really wanted to know is where she came from. I'm hoping it's just immaturity, as she is only 21 now, but I know it hurts DH.

I hope everything turns out wonderful for you, OP!

 

[Hrhpd]

You have a another stepson, correct? Have you told him about this?

As of April, she had a 14 year old step-son.

Can't wait to read this!! I have a 14 year old step son and I want to take him to Disney. His father an I love WDW but he has never been. I am looking go teenage boy tips!!!