Help! How much is enough???

[Disnee4Me]

Hi,
My son is having a very small wedding. Nothing fancy about 40 people. He is marrying a girl he is living with for about a year. We live in Northeast PA.
He lives out of state.

What amount of money do you think would be a nice wedding gift? We are a middle middle class income family. I have not met her family, so I don't know what they are giving. Is $1000. enough?

Thanks for any help you can give.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

You are going to get very different opinions based on where people are from. Traditionally, the groom's parents pay for certain things (rehearsal dinner here in Mass anyway). I think that is a generous monetary gift if you are not contributing financially to the wedding costs.

 

[DisneyAndRedSox]

Our wedding was about 70, here is what we did:

His parents paid for rehearsal dinner (gave me a $1000 budget which was very difficult since it was a lobster bake place in Maine)

My parents paid for my gown, photographer and party favors

Both Moms split my bridal shower

Edit- since they were paying for these things there was no actual 'gift'. My parents did send a gift to our honeymoon, a $100 credit at our resort which was big help. When we bought our house my parents gave us another gift (less than $1000 I think)

 

[lspst8]

I just got married in August. My parents paid for 1/2 of our wedding dinner (only 11 people total, so somewhere between 200 and 300 dollars). I paid the $200 deposit. They also bought us a nice set of every-day use dishes. Oh, they also contacted our hotel and had room service send us a bottle of champange on the day of our actual marriage ceremony. We got married in Las Vegas.

My husband's parents have not given us anything, and they did attend the dinner that my parents and I had.

I think $1000 sounds like a very generous gift.

 

[eliza61]

We unfortuantely had a big wedding a very long time ago. LOL. My dh actually wanted a big blow out, I wanted to elope.

My parents covered just about every thing so that was actually our gifte.

When my brother got married they didn't want a big wedding as both of them were in graduate school at the time and could barely afford to eat. My parents gave them the down payment on their condo as a gift.

Anyway, are you helping out financially in other ways? Can you ask your son who's covering what? $1,000 bucks is very generous and I'm sure will be appreciated.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Yes, wanted to add that since my parents paid for about 50% of my wedding and my inlaws paid for the rehearsal dinner...neither gave us actual "gifts"....sorry that wasn't clear in my last post.

 

[Disneyjamie]

Our parents did not contribute anything financially to our wedding, and that was fine with us. We planned our budget, and got to do exactly what we wanted for our wedding since no strings were attached to that money.

People that get married are adults, and should from that age know what to do with the money they have to work with (know how to budget, work within their means). This is the first big test they get to do in this area as a couple. If they can plan, budget this wedding without killing each other, then marriage should be that much easier.

That being said, any amount you want to give should be seen as nothing but a blessing, and $1000 is a great amount.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

If they can plan, budget this wedding without killing each other, then marriage should be that much easier.

 

[Leader of the Club]

I think $1000 is very generous.

I think my mom gave us a microwave. That would have been a great deal of money for her. My in-laws promised us a nice flatware set. Its 18 years later, still waiting on the flatware.

 

[Earstou]

We paid for all of dd's wedding, so we only gave a small gift. We gave them a small cafe type table w/chairs for their deck. I'm too sentimental, I wanted to give them something they would have for years which would remind them of their wedding (and possibly us, too).

 

[AntePrincess]

I'd think a grand is pretty generous for a middle class income family, no matter where you're from, but around here I see following (though mostly from upper middle class, sometimes even upper class, acquaintances):

1. Honeymoon gift, ranging from a suite for the wedding night to the whole honeymoon, depending on the means of the family and how good they are at getting a good deal on a nice honeymoon.
2. A sentimental remember-me-by house gift such as a nice vase or clock.
3. A cash or cash equivalent gift, which always seems to come out to $500.

With our finances, I'd give a wedding night with a homemade gift basket ($120), a nice personalized house gift such as a mantle piece clock ($50 with shopping around), and probably a $250 gift card to the grocery store to pick up all the little odds and ends for the household that they'd need.

 

[Disnee4Me]

By the way, even though they said they have been planning this for several months, we just found out six weeks before the ceremony.

My son is definitely not having a traditional wedding. His girlfriend is wearing a dress, no best man, no maid of honor, no ushers or bridesmaids. It will be, just the two of them getting married by a celebrant. Unfortunately it will be a non religious ceremony. We are to arrive just a few hours before that ceremony from out of state. They are not even getting married in the state they live in but at a place they both find sentimental to their relationship. They are having a dinner after the ceremony. I think everything is going to cost maybe five thousand dollars. I

I don’t know for sure but, I don’t think her parents are paying for anything.

Thanks for all the help and I would appreciate any more advice anyone has to offer.

 

[akcire]

My family works a little different. We get gifts up until age 17/18 whenever we graduate high school, after that nothing until we get married.

When I got married, each of my parents gave me $5000, plus covered some extra stuff for the reception (which was a giant party at our home). Aunts/Uncles gave between $500-$1500; Cousins $250-$500. Miscellaneous old people...grandparent's cousins, 60 year family friends, etc about $1000--all in I probably got $30K from my side of the family. (My cousin, who was 10 years older than me, and got married 11 years before me got nearly $150K (but many of the older people, including our grandparents, had died by the time I got married--not complaining merely an observation))

I don't know what your finances are like, but if you can afford more than $1000 I would give it; but only for a first marriage--anything after that is a card. I have already set up a bank account for a wedding gift for my not even conceived future child--my cousins all talk about how being able to buy a house in cash was a great leg up to them. My husband and I do very well and we already owned a home when we got married, it is my goal to be able to purchase our child/children's first house when they get married.

Now if you have 10 kids, remember you will have to do the same for each so make sure what ever you chose is something sustainable for all future children.

 

[redsunfish]

Hi,

My husband and I got married about a year and a half ago in a very small ceremony in Vermont at a B&B(we live in MA and so do our families). We lived together for about a year before we got married.

My husband and I did all of the planning, decorating (Folded 1000 paper cranes), and cake baking ourselves. We had only the ceremony and dinner - no rehearsal and no showers or parties.

We paid for - Dress, rings, cake, drinks at the wedding, and honeymoon
My parents paid for - Food for dinner(~$1000)...it was a decently fancy B&B
His parents gave us a $3000 check

Both of those things were the gifts we received from them and the $4000 covered most of the total cost or everything in the end.

My dad had wanted to pay for more but my family doesn't have a lot of money and that was a ton for my parents to do for us!
We totally didn't expect the check from my inlaws. They are upper middle class and it was not as hard for them to afford as the $1000 from my parents, but we were pretty shocked when received it and had not planned on it when planning financially for our wedding. It ended up being a nice boost to our house downpayment account

I think $1000 is a very generous gift and I'm sure your son and daughter-in-law will appreciate it

 

[redsunfish]

By the way, even though they said they have been planning this for several months, we just found out six weeks before the ceremony.

My son is definitely not having a traditional wedding. His girlfriend is wearing a dress, no best man, no maid of honor, no ushers or bridesmaids. It will be, just the two of them getting married by a celebrant. Unfortunately it will be a non religious ceremony. We are to arrive just a few hours before that ceremony from out of state. They are not even getting married in the state they live in but at a place they both find sentimental to their relationship. They are having a dinner after the ceremony. I think everything is going to cost maybe five thousand dollars.

Wow, I didn't see this post of yours before I posted mine but that was almost my EXACT situation (although his parents knew of the plan as soon as we did). We had 18 people counting us, out of state (driving distance), family (parents, siblings, living grandparents and best friends each only) arrived an hour before, had an outdoor ceremony, enjoyed dinner together and then everyone went home. It was very very nice and exactly what we wanted. His parents weren't too excited about it before they experienced it (in fact they didn't speak to us for about 2 of the 5 months of our engagement )but I think they were pleasently surprised in the end. From my experience please don't get upset with your son or daughter-in-law about this (not saying you are since you didn't say that in your post of course) and try to keep an open mind. My husband and I have a great relationship and marriage and are really happy together.

 

[ZPT1022]

By the way, even though they said they have been planning this for several months, we just found out six weeks before the ceremony.

My son is definitely not having a traditional wedding. His girlfriend is wearing a dress, no best man, no maid of honor, no ushers or bridesmaids. It will be, just the two of them getting married by a celebrant. Unfortunately it will be a non religious ceremony. We are to arrive just a few hours before that ceremony from out of state. They are not even getting married in the state they live in but at a place they both find sentimental to their relationship. They are having a dinner after the ceremony. I think everything is going to cost maybe five thousand dollars. I

I don’t know for sure but, I don’t think her parents are paying for anything.

Thanks for all the help and I would appreciate any more advice anyone has to offer.

Their wedding sounds like it will be very sweet, very personalized and very meaningful to them. Good for them for not getting caught up in the whole "fairytale for a day" thing

My family works a little different. We get gifts up until age 17/18 whenever we graduate high school, after that nothing until we get married.

When I got married, each of my parents gave me $5000, plus covered some extra stuff for the reception (which was a giant party at our home). Aunts/Uncles gave between $500-$1500; Cousins $250-$500. Miscellaneous old people...grandparent's cousins, 60 year family friends, etc about $1000--all in I probably got $30K from my side of the family. (My cousin, who was 10 years older than me, and got married 11 years before me got nearly $150K (but many of the older people, including our grandparents, had died by the time I got married--not complaining merely an observation))

I don't know what your finances are like, but if you can afford more than $1000 I would give it; but only for a first marriage--anything after that is a card. I have already set up a bank account for a wedding gift for my not even conceived future child--my cousins all talk about how being able to buy a house in cash was a great leg up to them. My husband and I do very well and we already owned a home when we got married, it is my goal to be able to purchase our child/children's first house when they get married.

Now if you have 10 kids, remember you will have to do the same for each so make sure what ever you chose is something sustainable for all future children.

Holy cow, your family is VERY generous. Actually, your family sounds quite a bit like my friend's family. She made some comment to me about how thanks to their wedding gifts they were able to put a very large downpayment on their house but they also have a very large emergency fund. While I am of course a bit jealous it makes me feel better as to why we're not in the same place they are house wise.



OP, to me your gift sounds very generous. I can only relate my wedding experience to compare and that is much more than my middle to upper middle class inlaws gave us.

 

[tnmt]

I also agree that would be a very generous gift to your son and new DIL. I would have appreciated that very much had my parents done that.

 

[Resseda]

By the way, even though they said they have been planning this for several months, we just found out six weeks before the ceremony.

Judging by your comment, I suspect there is more at play than meet the eye. I think $1000 is a very generous gift since you have not been consulted on the wedding, contributing the guest lists, throwing showers, holding rehersal dinners etc. If it would make you more comfortable, maybe a $500 gift and a $500 something-else (something for the honeymoon, furniture, approx value of an heirloom gift).

Ress

 

[disprincessatheart]

My Dh and I got married at Disney last spring. We had one of the small Disney weddings with 17 guests. My parents paid for the part included in the Disney package - ceremony, flowers, photographer, music, limo, cake as well as a cruise on the grand 1 to watch Wishes. In total they paid for about $5500 plus of course their own travel and vacation expense. DH and I paid for dress/tux, package upgrades (extra champagne and upgraded cake) as well as dinner for everyone that night at Narcoossee's. We didn't have a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner and my sister threw my shower. After the wedding DFIL gave us $1000. It was much more than we were expecting and we were very grateful. We wound up using it for a home rennovation project and we made sure he knew that so he could "see" his gift. I think he really enjoyed being able to give us such a big gift.

Considering we had everyone travel to Florida, we didn't really expect gifts from DFIL or our guests, but we wound up getting $200 or more per couple in gifts - all cash except for my sister's gift. We were very surprised!

 

[EthansMom]

My Dad gave DH and I $1000 as a wedding gift when we married ~10 years ago. I thoughti it was very generous of him. (We paid for our own wedding.)