Help! How do I deal with Dad.

[halestrm]

First a little back ground. 2 years ago, my father was in an ATV accident in Mexico. He hit his head. We are VERY lucky to still have him. His brain was bleeding so bad they had to go in to operate. He finally came home and all seemed well, until he was slurring and other symptoms. He refused to go to the hospital. Finally, he was talking crazy and we took him in against his will, he was bleeding again, and we went through a second brain surgery.

Fast forward two years. He is done with therapy, they say he has healed as much as he can. This is a man with 2 Masters degrees, was a college teacher and well respected for his ability to accurately recall complex details.

He and my mother arrived last night from NE. He wants to "relieve" some of my pressure, and is guilt tripping me into letting him run errands. For example, he insisted I let him go grocery shopping and run to the post office to drop a package that HAD to be mailed today. I refused and he was offended and insulted. He was very hurt and said I obviously don't understand what he has been through, and that he is healed. I gave in.

I came home from work to find out neither of the errands got done. I had to do homework with DD5, and couldn't go at 6 pm. Now, I have not met a promise I made. AND Dad does not understand why I refuse to let him go to the Post office tomorrow. I lied and said I had to go for work anyways so it was no big.

How do I say no without hurting him. He insists on "helping" with the things that have deadlines. Last night I said instead of that, can you go to the library and return some books and drop the stuff at GoodWill. He responded that he wanted to help relieve my pressure.

I broke my promise because my fathers pain was to much. I can FedEx out the package and it will get there sooner so hopefully they will understand. I changed my dinner menu, but it wasn't what I had told my daughter I would cook (she had planned the meal as her present to Gma and Gpa). Luckly, they both understood.

Mom doesn't know about this, because I don't want to burden her. My concern is that I don't want her to know about this or the fact that Dad "requested" I put a cell phone in my name.

Mom is sooooo stressed, she can't know my end of it, she has stated she would be humiliated if this affects me. So I honor her and Dad, but at what expense.

I am so torn right now, and I miss my father.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to vent.

 

[PixieDust32]

Oh, I am so sorry! I understand how your frustration and you poor Daddy just want to help you.
I read your post about the package on the exchange thread, and trust me, don't worry about it, things happend and we understand, your Dad and your issues at home are more important, you can send the package tomorrow and no problem.
I hope you can work things out with your Daddy.

 

[bballmom56]

Yes, I went through something similar with my Mom. She lived with me and wanted to help wherever she could, but I did not want her driving (even though she thought she was fine to drive). I just didn't mention if I had things I had to do that required driving. I just did them myself while I was out and about. Same thing with things around the house - I would let her do things she could handle and things that were not important if they didn't get done immediately. The other things, I just didn't mention and did myself. It seemed to work.

 

[minkydog]

I keep coming back to your post. I'm so sorry for you and your family. This has to be the most stressful situation. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Just encouragement. Feel free to vent away. It sounds like you need it.

 

[Rollwithit]

Please check into TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). I don't know much about it. It can be very difficult to diagnose, but could possibly explain much of your dad's behavior and help you deal with it. Good thoughts for you and your family.

 

[halestrm]

Please check into TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). I don't know much about it. It can be very difficult to diagnose, but could possibly explain much of your dad's behavior and help you deal with it. Good thoughts for you and your family.

Yes, the forgetfulnes and some of the personality changes will be permenate. It is so hard because we miss who he use to be, but worse is that he misses who he use to be.

Most days I am OK with everything, it was just the last couple of days between work, DD5 and then Dad, I felt frustrated that ONE MORE PERSON needed me to massage their ego.

 

[momsgoofy]

I am so sorry for your situation... Last year my dad went through some bad health stuff...he's a stubborn man and didn't want to accept his limitations in the beginning so he ended up hospitalized 3 times (not to mention the numerous ER trips), then to nursing home for rehab, then an assisted living center until he was able to move back home in July. Since my mom died in 1999, my 3 sister abondoned him, their step-father for stupid reasons, so it has been up to me to make sure he's doing what he needs and is taken care of which means I would move in to his house from time to time and when I wasn't there I'd still be running there, 30 minutes away. While at the same time I had become one of my sister's temporary caregiver...she's disabled and her husband just left her.

This leads me to share some wonderful advice given to me by a mental health counselor I was working with at the time. She gave me info on a Caregiver Support group in my area, which helps the caregiver deal with all of the issues you might encounter. It can be a livesaver! The other bit of advice I received from the counselor, albeit indirectly while I was interpreting in sessions, was that as for the stress I was experiencing, the best way to relieve the stress is to remove the stressor...which for me finally meant that I had to give up control for a while. I had to tell my sister that she needed to find other sources to help her meet her needs. When my dad began to feel better and was released to return home and started doing things that I knew he shouldn't I had to tell myself that he is an adult and capable of making his decisions (good or bad). It took a while for my dad and I to see eye to eye, but we did and for us things are much better.

So, for you, it might be a good idea to locate a caregiver support group, or other sources that can assist you in this situation. Also, I think the reply which suggested looking into Traumatic Brain Injury is a wonderful idea. Locally we have one of the best rehab places for TBI, Center for Comprehensive Services. Here is the link for their website, which might be a starting place to find some info and help.

http://www.ccs-rehab.com/States/Illinois.htm

I just briefly looked at their site and one of the topics listed is "Respite Services", which may be something to look into for yourself, your mother and others responsible for the care of your father.

Well, I hope that you can find something which will help. I know this may not be what you want to hear...I know I didn't when it was told to me a few times, but I think it's true. God only gives us what we can handle...and from what you've written...God must think you are one VERY STRONG person!!! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers so that you all may find a place of peace and hope.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! Seems that a couple things are going on (I'm sure more than a couple, but a couple that I see). One is how to deal with your dad when he wants to help out, but can't in the capacity that he wants to help in. I think that you are smart telling him that you'll be out, anyway, and drop the package in the mail. Yes, give him things to do that don't have to be done that day--Goodwill is a great thing. Make sure you tell him what a help he is being and how glad you are to have them both in your home.

The other thing is that you are all grieving for your father. Sure he's still alive, but the dad that you knew all those years is not still with you and that's a hard thing to deal with. My mom hasn't had anything traumatic happen to her, but her memory is not like it used to be and she's not quite the same person. It's hard to accept and at least hers wasn't a dramatic, sudden decline. Caring and interacting with aging parents is a tough thing!

Hang in there and know that you are being a wonderful daughter. Your daughter will remember these days with them, which is a wonderful thing.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Are your parents living with you now, or just visiting? If they are living with you, come up with some things your dad can do--weeding your flower beds? Taking clothes out of the dryer and folding them? Loading or unloading the dishwasher? Washing your car? This will help him feel helpful.

You (and possibly your mom) would probably like a caregiver support group! When my parents were living with me (Dad had Alzheimers), we had a little "support group" in my office (3 of us dealing with parents with Alzheimers) and it was very helpful. I know my town has a local support group that is both for people with Traumatic Brain Injury and their caregivers. If you don't have a TBI-specific support group in your town, there may be just a generic caregivers' support group.

I'm sorry that this is so terribly tough.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

How did it go today?

 

[SGB13]

I know you said you don't want to burden your mom, but she needs to know everything that is going on with your Dad. You've already been given lots of other good advise, so I'll send P&PD your way.

 

[Tiggeroo]

i'm sorry, i know this is hard. A neighbor of ours had a brain aneurism. He was lucky he lived. He ended up with short term memory loss and some personality change. He had less patience and became frustrated easily. He also had lost some impulse control which required monitoring. It was very difficult for his family. Although he reached a point where his main problems wouldn't get better the brain is pretty amazing. Some things took a very long time but improved with time.
I would imagine how you handle this if your parents are visiting is alot different then how you would handle it if they live with you. If they are visiting pacify your dad as much as possible. Lie about things that need to be done if you have to, if it will make him feel better. Think of a few things you really need doing but he can clearly handle. Projects around the home, helping your dd with homework, etc.
If he is living with you then of course these techniques won't work. I would almost say you handle it like you would your child. Say no as little as possible and give your father as many choices and responsibility as you can. You may even have to allow him to do some things that make you a little uncomfortable as he's still an adult.
Is it possible that with his brain injury he could write. Perhaps he could channel his energy and knowledge into a book. He could do as much or as little as possible and computers could help a good deal.

 

[tnhillbilly]

I give you all the strength I have to spare. What you are going through is something no one can understand until they loose someone in their life, without death taking the body. Think of your mother and how much she is aware of and what she has just been around so long it seams normal. Both your parents need support, your mother because she knows what is wrong and what she has to watch out for constantly
, and Dad for not understanding thing are not what they once were.

People don’t look back and think they spent too much time with loved ones before they are gone. Do what you can to help, remember your family at home, and do today what you can sleep with tonight and from now on.

Sometimes you will have bad moments and you will have good ones. Remember Sometimes the child becomes the parent.

 

[halestrm]

Thanks again, I am afraid I was having a bit of a pity fest the other day. Mostly all is good in the world and then..., everyone needs you all at once. To top everything else off, DH was hit from behind. The woman was on her cell phone and did not see that traffic was stopped. The officer said she hit him going about 35 mph.

I have decided the universe it trying to make sure all the bad stuff is out of the way so I can enjoy my cruise in 3 weeks.

I must remember my email signature, relax and recieve.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

You can come here for a pity party anytime you need to! Sorry about the accident. Don't even get me started about cell phones!

 

[tnhillbilly]

I hope you are having a good day today. Thought about you and your family alot today