help, help, help

[n2dzny]

Why, oh why do I act like a doormat for one particular friend? I am an educated person who does not regularly let people run over me. I march to my own beat. I am not a leader nor a follower....however, I allow this 'friend' to walk all over me and say and do anything to me and I always, always just take it and go back for more. the dynamics of our decade-long friendship has been that she has more money (parents, then as we got older, her) and so she is the 'dominate' one. I can't explain it, but I am at my wits end....how do I break the dependency that I have on her and how do I let her know that it is not ok with me for her to treat me like crap? I think that I am afraid that she won't care. Deep down, I don't think that she cares if I go along with her or not, she has a ton more friends than I do, so it is like "oh, well-I have more freinds". I think that I have been afraid that she will no be my friend if I stand up to her or don't go along with her. What is my problem? Why do I let her do me the way she does. I realize that I have allowed this to happen and that she is only getting away with what I have let her get away with.

At times, it is like we are the best of friends, but other times, she is 'too cool' for me, dresses better than me, can spend more $ on things than I can. If I get something, she has to go out and get something better. I could go on and on. My other freinds and I call it the 'one up'. She always has to be one up on me. If I find out something, well she already knows it, knows more about it and has talked with the closest source....that is just one of many examples. Question here is why do I allow her to treat me like crap and answer the phone every single time she calls (that is when she wants something and has no one else to call, oh and if she gets a beep and it is someone 'cooler' than me, she doesn't come back and let me know that she needs to talk to them, she just never comes back), and go out of my way to accomidate her when I get not even 25% in return?


I know that this seems like an unusual problem that most people should not be concerned with, but this is a real problem for me.

 

[lulu71]

It sounds like your friend is actually insecure. When she "one-ups" you, please know that deep inside she doesn't feel dominant and has to lash out to feel better. I'm sorry she makes you feel bad.

 

[disney junky]

I don't think this is all that unusual. I'll bet most of us have had relationships that are similar, maybe not quite extreme; even within families, these things occur.

I am not one to offer advice often, but you are who you are, and in this case that means she dominates you. If you realize it, how hard is it to just accept it, smile inside, allow her the 'upper hand' and continue the relationship in its present form? This is sort of taking an emotional step back, being yourself and actually being the bigger person for allowing her to be herself.

However, if this is eating you up inside, causing you feelings of insecurity when you are around her, making you doubt yourself and your own worth, I'd physically step back from the relationship. It's not healthy.

You say you march to your own beat? Then do so. Be happy with who you are. There is nothing more attractive than people who are comfortable in their own skin. I'm not talking about attractiveness in a love relationship way, but an attractiveness to everyone you meet.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[alldiz]

have a heart to heart talk to her...
let her read your post....

if u do not get the response u want.....
i suggest u sever the relationship....
nobody deserves to feel like u do...

she will either respect u for speaking up...
or...
she does not care for u the same way

either way...
dont stay the course
kerri

 

[Philagoofy]

You have several other friends who, it sounds like, treat you with the type of friendship & respect that you want and that you would like from this one friend. Could it be that you feel you accept her behavior because she is “so cool & has more money” than you so you feel that someone “better” than you likes you?

When in realty, she is not better than you & even though you may know that you may still feel deep down inside, subconsciously that her liking you makes you feel better about yourself. You’ve already been accepted and respected for the intelligent, fun, kind person you are by your other friends & loved ones.

It may be hard to disassociate yourself from her & from this feeling but for your own peace of mind, it may be better to see less & less of her until you see that you don’t need her acceptance, you already have people who matter to you & who you matter to to feel worthwhile.

This may be a totally wrong take on your feelings and if it is, I apologize, but I thought I’d put it out there. Good luck.

 

[Frantasmic]

You haven't reached your point of no return with her yet. When you do, it will be easy to let her go.

However, something inside you still gets some sort of reward or something for having her as a friend. Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this? What is the exchange rate and why do you value yourself so low? Or is what she offers that much higher in value? Does she pay for things for you? Do you live vicariously through her? etc. Those are the types of questions you should ask yourself.

You already sound incredulous that you are allowing someone to run over you like she has, so you see the value in cutting off the friendship. You just need the extra push. Are you afraid that she will make bigger waves in your shared circle of friends if you do cut her off?

There is something still symbiotic about your relationship with her where you gain something and aren't quite ready to let that go yet. You just need to discover what that thing is.

 

[JR6ooo4]

I am reminded of two quotes...

with friends like that who needs enemies

and

that is a wonderful friend you have there, let us hope something runs over her


MIkeeee

 

[Acklander]

When dealing with this "friendship" you should take the money out of the equation. Money doesn't make one person better or worse than another person, so make it a non issue.
I have one friend - I only see her occasionally, because I can only handle her in small doses. She is incredibly self centered, vain, and self involved. For a while I wondered why I even bothered to meet up with her since we have so little in common, but finally realized that I enjoyed the entertainment factor in our friendship. I can go to one lunch with her and by the end of it will have at least 6 "can you believe she did/said this???" stories to share with dh. She constantly amazes me. You need to sit down and figure out what you're getting out of your friendship and only then can you decide if it's worth pursuing.

 

[Pop Daddy]

Why, oh why do I act like a doormat for one particular friend?

are they sexy