Help from my Jewish DIS friends . . .

[Deb in IA]

The wife of one of my husband's friends just passed away from metastatic melanoma. They are Jewish, and I understand, according to Jewish law, the funeral and burial is to be the next day.


We usually send flowers to funerals which we cannot attend, but DH says that you are NOT to send flowers to a Jewish funeral.

Is this true? And why is that?

 

[*Flower*]

My father died on a Saturday, and the funeral and burial was the following Tuesday.
There were flowers at the funeral......... I'm sorry that I couldn't help you more.

 

[fklhou]

First, most Jewish burials do not involve embalming and so the funeral is as soon as possible after death.

Flowers are normally not sent to a jewish funeral in that this involves the taking of a life (i.e. killing the flower) and this is considered to be an improper way to honor the memory of the deceased.

Normally, if you call the funeral home or the temple/rabbi, the family will have specified a charity for donations to be made in the honor of the deceased.

Here is a link to a website that may be helpful. See http://www.jewfaq.org/death.htm

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally posted by Deb in IA
The wife of one of my husband's friends just passed away from metastatic melanoma. They are Jewish, and I understand, according to Jewish law, the funeral and burial is to be the next day.


We usually send flowers to funerals which we cannot attend, but DH says that you are NOT to send flowers to a Jewish funeral.

Is this true? And why is that?

I can't help on the flower part and mind you I was not brought up Jewish but my mother and grandmother were, so I guess technically I am half Jewish.
Anyhoo..if memory serves me correctly you are to cover your mirrors. I don't remember for how long, I want to say a month. So, if he should come over for a visit you may want to do that out of respect. I believe it is reffered to as "sitting shivas" <sp??
Even tho we were raised catholic my Grandma always tried to teach us the "Jewish" way! God bless her!

 

[snoopy]

No flowers, learned that the hard way.

(although the parents of my dear departed friend were very gracious, and explained exactly as fklhou did -- I sent a donation after the fact)

 

[Deb in IA]

Thanks, flkhou. I do believe the family has indicated the American Cancer Society as their charity for donations.

Interesting. I am always fascinated in learning about other cultures and religions.

 

[zurgswife]

Great FYI...don't know if I'll ever need it...but now I know...

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

fklhou beat me to it.

the family will also likely "sit shiva". this is like a wake, but after the funeral, not before. if you pay a shiva call, you might want to bring something edible, like a fruit basket or cake. not required, but a nice gesture.

you "sit shiva" for a week. that's the period where you cover the mirrors. mourners wear black ribbons for 30 days.

 

[twinmomplus2]

It is also fine to send the family somthing sweet. this is done as a symbolic gesture to sweeten the bitter loss.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

Random FYI............
To phorsenuf..........

There is no "half" in Judaism............
Actually, Jewish Lineage and identity are traced maternally! So, technically, you ARE Jewish! Shalom! LOL!

If your father was Jewish but your Mother wasn't, you would not be. In which case, if you wanted to practise Judaism in a Synagogue etc..., you would have to convert.

It's strange but true! In the "old" days (before DNA testing etc..) you only ever really knew who a persons Mother was. Paternity had to be a matter of trust that the Mother was faithful.

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally posted by Diva of Dragons
Random FYI............
To phorsenuf..........

There is no "half" in Judaism............
Actually, Jewish Lineage and identity are traced maternally! So, technically, you ARE Jewish! Shalom! LOL!

If your father was Jewish but your Mother wasn't, you would not be. In which case, if you wanted to practise Judaism in a Synagogue etc..., you would have to convert.

It's strange but true! In the "old" days (before DNA testing etc..) you only ever really knew who a persons Mother was. Paternity had to be a matter of trust that the Mother was faithful.

Really? That's cool! I never knew that. My mom was from a very strict Jewish family and my dad a catholic family. Yes...I am the product of a mixed marraige...
Remember, this was a big no-no back then!!!!!
I don't know why we were raised Catholic....probably because there were no synagogues where I grew up. I do know my Grandma was none too happy about it!!
Hmmmm......now I don't know who I am........

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

I think we need to throw a Bat Mitzvah party for phorsenuf! We need to welcome you to the tribe.

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally posted by Beth E. (NJ)
I think we need to throw a Bat Mitzvah party for phorsenuf! We need to welcome you to the tribe.

oooohhhh...a Bat Mitzvah party....that means presents! Cash will be just fine!

 

[goofygirl]

another shiva tip:

If you come from the cemetary to the home where the shiva is taking place, there will be a pitcher of water outside the door. You should wash your hands with this water before entering the house. This ritual is supposed to prevent you from "bringing death" into the house.

Around sundown a rabbi will come to the house to conduct a "minion"- a session where everyone prays for the deceased.

 

[AngieBelle]

That's interesting. I'm Jewish but didn't know about the no flowers thing. But then, I don't actually practice the religion much at all, and I've never been to a funeral.

 

[fklhou]

Welcome to the tribe, phorsenuf.

 

[snoopy]

Isn't there something to acknowledge the death, exactly one year later?

My friend's parents had this for their son -- I thought this such a nice touch, it was a way for all of us to get together, a year later, and rejoice in his memory.

Another thing that stood out for me during this Jewish funeral -- and I don't know if it was just specific to this funeral, or Jewish funerals in general -- but it wasn't particularly sad. There wasn't a lot of talk of his death, more of his life. I thought given the circumstances of his tragic death (he died in a fire), this was really significant. I was asked to be one of the speakers, and of course I was mortified that I would have to read a prayer in Yiddish or some such, but they just wanted me to talk about my friend and my memories of him. It was easy, and therapeutic.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

There wasn't a lot of talk of his death, more of his life.

Snoopy: That is true of Judaism as a whole. It's very much about celebrating life. The first time I went to a Synagogue (I converted in1989) it was so uplifting. The focus is completely on what you do, while here, to be an asset to the world. It also emphasizes taking stock of the things you do, making amends for hurting others and striving to improve in all ways. Conscious living.

I wasn't raised with that. I was raised with ...well...."negative reinforcement"....not from my immediate family...but my extended family figured I was born in the proverbial handbasket and was half way to "you know where", since my Mother had never married.

DH (raised very Conservative Jewish) and I aren't really "practising" but it gives us a good spiritual foundation that we have built on in many ways!!

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Yes Snoopy -- At the anniversary they do the "Unveiling." It is when the tombstone goes up. Family goes back to the cemetery to see the stone. If you are ever in a Jewish cemetary look at the tombstones -- a lot of them will have little rocks on top of them. People put them there when they go to visit a loved one. I think it shows that someone was there.

 

[Deb in IA]

Beth, I remember the last scene of "Schindler's List" -- where the Holocaust survivors are doing just that . . .