Help-Does it matter that it's his second??

[Suzymouse]

Hi guys,

Just something I was starting to get worried about and I thought it would be safe to ask here.....

I am so happy to marry the love of my life. This will be his second marriage & my first. I'm ok with this, (the past is the past & it was well before I even met him), but I never told my parents and some of my friends that this is a second marriage for him. I'm not sure why I've kept it a secret-if I'm embarrassed that I'm not the first for him or if I'm afraid he will feel strange or what. I guess I just don't feel like it's anyone else's business. He was only married for a very short time (jumped into things too young & it lasted less than a year).

His family and friends obviously know the truth, most of my close friends who will be there know, but I just don't want to tell my parents. They are so judgmental anyways and it's already been stressful with our difference in religions and stuff. I really don't want to open a can of worms if I don't have to...

My question is-does this information have to be brought up or addressed at any point in our process? With the marriage certificate, officiant etc...? He's been divorced for a long time-paperwork signed & finalized for a while now.

Thank you everyone!

 

[cseca]

hmm... this one is tricky.
I guess my first question would be how close are you with your family?

The problem I can see happening is that even tho it's not brought up by your officiant or you or your DF someone in his side of the family or your friends might by chance do. In that case is it better to just bring it out in the open?

I understand your thought that the past is past and it's nobody's business, but at the same time you don't want any awkwardness or people getting upset close to the date or even on your big day.

Good luck on your decision.
I'd say just bring it up. Get it out of the open, give your parents and family time to adjust to the news so when the big day comes there are no bad surprises. Plus you won't be worrying about it after it's out in the open. If they're upset oh well... at least you're being honest and let them get over it... that way you're not hiding anything and it's their problem instead of yours.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I would be more worried about your parents finding out by someone else or by accident. That I think would be far worse than you telling them, explaining the situation with your DF there and moving on....

Best of Luck To You!

 

[lurkyloo]

When you get the marriage license there is a question on the application about the last marriage - how long it lasted and when it ended. You don't need divorce papers though.

The only other thing I can think of is that you might want to tell your family in case someone who DOES know tactlessly mentions it at the wedding... could be kind of a shock....

HTH!

 

[DisBride2007]

I agree with the others. I can CERTAINLY understand why it hasn't come up to your family so far - but it will just be stressful for you to worry about someone saying something tactlessly on the big day. You will have enough to worry about that day. It's better to address it when you can control the situation. Good luck.

 

[Suzymouse]

Thank you everyone. I see your points & uggh, I just don't know what to do about this

I'm relatively close to my parents, but we've certainly had our share of ups and downs over the years. They are VERY judgmental people, very critical, & once they have an opinion of someone in their head, it usually gets held against them for years to come. My brother actually eloped because of this-because unfortunately, he knew they wouldn't approve of his wife's nationality. I guess we've always sorta "left things out" if we knew it was going to cause them to unnecessarily judge someone or something.

They are already so critical of DF because of his religion (or lack thereof-he's atheist), his job isn't good enough, etc...He is the most wonderful person I've ever known, my second half, and I know he is right for me & that is all that matters. But I know they would be critical of this & that would make me feel bad. Most importantly, I don't want them to make my DF feel bad....or mad. As it is, DF is polite to them, but I know they aren't his favorite people.

We are only having immediate family and a few friends. I can't see DF's family or his best friend mentioning anything about his first marriage at the wedding, that would be so inappropriate & it's definately not their style-but of course nothing is garunteed!

Well, I guess I have time to think about this, but at least I know that it won't affect the marriage license really or the officiant.

Anyone else out there have dysfunctional parents & this much stress with their parents with the wedding planning or is it just mine???

 

[Tabetha]

It sounds like they're already not crazy about him, so telling them he was married once before won't be the end of the world. They may think less of YOU for hiding it from them, and you really, really don't want that.

He's your husband-to-be, and you've chosen each other. Stand up and be proud. Hiding it will only make things worse down the line.

And I think it's safe to say that a LOT of people have dysfunctional families - that's why they made up a term for it! I'm totally stressing about my parents being in the same room at my wedding - my mom may well have a panic attack or something. (No reason to be scared of my dad, by the way. Very nice, quiet man.)

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Thank you everyone. I see your points & uggh, I just don't know what to do about this

I'm relatively close to my parents, but we've certainly had our share of ups and downs over the years. They are VERY judgmental people, very critical, & once they have an opinion of someone in their head, it usually gets held against them for years to come. My brother actually eloped because of this-because unfortunately, he knew they wouldn't approve of his wife's nationality. I guess we've always sorta "left things out" if we knew it was going to cause them to unnecessarily judge someone or something.

They are already so critical of DF because of his religion (or lack thereof-he's atheist), his job isn't good enough, etc...He is the most wonderful person I've ever known, my second half, and I know he is right for me & that is all that matters. But I know they would be critical of this & that would make me feel bad. Most importantly, I don't want them to make my DF feel bad....or mad. As it is, DF is polite to them, but I know they aren't his favorite people.

We are only having immediate family and a few friends. I can't see DF's family or his best friend mentioning anything about his first marriage at the wedding, that would be so inappropriate & it's definately not their style-but of course nothing is garunteed!

Well, I guess I have time to think about this, but at least I know that it won't affect the marriage license really or the officiant.

Anyone else out there have dysfunctional parents & this much stress with their parents with the wedding planning or is it just mine???

Your marriage license will not say that he was married before but the paperwork at the courthouse will & your DF will need to bring paperwork to prove his divorce is valid "a divorce decree".

 

[stellablue]

Sorry, I'm probably going to go in a very different direction with my response here, but I'd say to weigh out the consequences-which would have the worst effect-telling them or not telling them?

It sounds like your parents are going to disapprove no matter what or who he is. I have parents like that too-they are forever finding criticism in people & sometimes it works out to everyone's benefit not to stir up trouble. It sounds like your DF is not too thrilled with them either.

If it is just going to cause more strain on the relationship between you/DF and your family, why cause a ruckus over a past event? What do your parents really gain in knowing? Especially if they are that judgmental....

If it were something that is currently affecting your relationship or your life or something that may affect your relationship and your life in the future, than I would say you should definately tell them. But this was a past event-you even said it was well before you met him. In a way, it's not your parents business. If it doesn't affect you or him, than why stir up unnecessary trouble?

I'm sorry that you are going through this stress. Your parents should be very happy and proud to see you happy and in love and preparing for one of the most wonderful days of your life. Like I said, I can relate to having very judgmental parents-it's not fun and sometimes you have to weigh out the consequences.

With people like that, it's just not worth bringing up information that does not have an effect on your present or future life (unless there is more to the story.... ). Everyone has a skeleton in their closet.....

Enjoy your life and enjoy your wedding day. You should be happy and stress free on that day (well, as stress free as can be expected!! ). You shouldn't have to worry about pleasing anyone but yourself, and only you know what you have between you and your DF.

JMHO!

**ETA: Have you talked about this with your DF??? If not, I DO think you should before you decide anything. Not confiding with him about this will come back to haunt you. Ask him if he feels comfortable sharing that information with them. Make the decision together.

 

[LauraInWonderland]

It might be good to let everyting be known before the wedding, other wise your going to be thinking about it and worrying about it coming out.
If you tell them now hopefully it will all blow over by the big day.
Dont worry most familys have some crazyness to them!my grandma always told me famlys are like fudge.. mostly sweet with a few nuts hehe.
Im so scared because at my wedding my dad and step dad will be meeting for the first time.. uhm.. did i mention my dads still madly in love with my mom and pissed she got married.... yeahh... .thankgod for seating charts

 

[ElleBren]

I know someone already mentioned that you will have to fill it out on the application for a license, but when my husband and I got married we actually needed the divorce decree page for the records people.

Also I totally understand the whole parents thing, my parents are very similar. I agree with stelleblue, however I also know it can come back and bite you in the you know where. It will be hard to tell them, but in the end it will be better than thinking about it for the rest of your life and watching that you don't accidently say anything about it.

Good luck with it though!

 

[WithDisneySpirit]

I say it is no one's business besides your DF and yours. In the unlikely event that it comes up, you can shrug it off. I wouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable or has people judging the love of your life in any way.

 

[SandraVB79]

OP, if you tell them now and they are shocked, at least they have time to get over the shock before your big day!
If they find out at the big day, the shock might make it a not-so-nice-day (you know, someone mentioning that it is so different than his other wedding...)

 

[lurkyloo]

Here are the most recent Florida Marriage License Requirements, courtesy of DFTW:

POLICIES/PROCEDURES:
 If you have been previously married, please provide a copy of your official marriage license.
 If a previous marriage ended in divorce within the past twelve-(12) months outside of the State of Florida, a copy of the divorce decree is required prior to the Wedding Ceremony.
 This license must be presented to the Officiant prior to the Wedding Ceremony.
 Hours for the Osceola County Courthouse and Orange County Courthouse are Monday through Friday, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, excluding U.S. holidays.
 Blood tests are not required.
 Proper identification is necessary, such as a driver's license, certified copy of birth certificate, or passport.
 The approximate cost of the marriage license is $98.00 (subject to change without notice), payable by cash, money order, Visa, or MasterCard. Personal checks are not accepted.
 There is no waiting period for out of state residents
 A 3 day waiting period is necessary for Florida Residents.
 The marriage license will be issued at time of application, is valid immediately and must be used within sixty (60) days. (Some Florida Counties require a marriage license to be used within thirty (30) days of issuance.)

These appear to be Disney's guidelines only - if you look at the actual marriage license applications for Orange County and Osceloa County, they simply ask that you state whether you've been married before and when the marriage ended. They do not say anything about providing paperwork from the divorce or a previous marriage license.

http://www.osceolaclerk.com

http://orangeclerk.onetgov.net/service/marriage.shtml

 

[Suzymouse]

Hi guys,

Thank you so much for all of your honest opinions. It has been really helpful to get advice from people who are out of my immediate circle.

I talked with DF about it last night. He said that he would be ok with whichever decision I chose, but would feel more comfortable if I didn't tell them, since it's only going to cause them to pass more judgment upon him. He kind of said the same thing that stellablue said-it's not a piece of information that affects our present or future life together.

DF & my parents just barely get along as it is. They judge him for his career choice & they judge him for not converting. & no matter how much he has tried, they just don't see him for who he is. Right now they are civil, friendly, and polite to each other....but I could see it getting ugly over something like this.

So, I decided not to tell them. He was only married for less than a year, it was a long time ago, in a different part of the US, and has no affect on our life together, so theres no need to cause unnecessary trouble or upset when things are just barely ok between them now.

We talked about the "what if someone in his family/friends brings it up at the wedding thing" and he said he will talk to his immediate family at some point before the wedding to make sure they are discrete (though we both can't see them saying anything). His side of the family also knows about how my parents are & they are sympathetic. If it comes up later on in life, than I decided I'll deal with it then.

I also talked to my brother about it and he agreed that not telling them would be best. I feel bad in a way, but in another way I think I've just come to realize that these are my parents and they are not going to change or ever become rational or nonjudgmental

It's most important to me to have some peace between them & if leaving out a little piece of past history is going to accomplish that than I'm all for it.

Thank you all again & also thank you for the info on the marriage certificate. You guys are so helpful & sweet.

 

[dmslush]

Your marriage license will not say that he was married before but the paperwork at the courthouse will & your DF will need to bring paperwork to prove his divorce is valid "a divorce decree".

I divorced several years ago, I didn't have to show proof of the divorce when we got our florida marriage license.

 

[JandJ]

Our marriage is my first and DH's second. He was married for just about 3 years right out of college and admittedly a mistake when he did it. Because he'd been divorced for 5 years when we got our marriage license (we live in FL) he didn't have to show proof of divorce, but he did have to know the date of the divorce, which he didn't remember so he looked up the divorce papers just to get the date.

My parents knew and for the longest time my mom would whisper the word "divorced" if it came up They loved him though, and knew that first marriage was a big mess from the start, so it was never an issue.

My BFF got married last year. Her second, his first. They never told his parents that it was her second marriage because they are very religious and would not have approved. It hangs over their heads because he is close to his and it's something they have to consciously remember not to mention. At the wedding she had to remind her family and friends not to say anything about "the first wedding" or anything like that. Another BM and I (MOH) were in her first wedding party too! As long as you two have a united front it shouldn't be a problem and it sounds like you and your DF are on the same page. Best Wishes on your upcoming marriage!

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I divorced several years ago, I didn't have to show proof of the divorce when we got our florida marriage license.

We did, actually the decree with the raised seal.

 

[tink774]

I agree with previous posts; it is yours and your DF's business. And it sounds like telling them would only add to wedding day stress, which you're trying to eliminate!

Your parents sound exactly like mine. Recently, my DBF of a couple of years (practically fiance but my parents haven't been clued in to all those details yet specifically because of their nature) had a disagreement with my parents. My mom has a horrible temper. She was angry about a situation that was equally her fault as much as mine, but she called me up while I was with DBF and started calling me names and saying a bunch of very not-nice things to me (as she has always done, but that's a separate issue). Later, without my knowledge, DBF sent her a text message (for which he was reproached by me) pointing out that I was not fully to blame and she was wrong to say those things to me. He later apologized for stepping into their business and being rude, but my parents went into their judgemental/unforgiving moods and haven't allowed him into their house since. My DBF, like your DF, is not overly fond of my parents either and has told me on many occasions that it is difficult not to say anything to them when he knows they are out of line. I am sure that everyone will eventually cool off, but this disagreement has most likely soured their view of him. They are already disappointed that I won't be marrying a future doctor or lawyer. Am I worried that when the time comes to announce an engagement that they'll be less than thrilled for me? Absolutely. So it will be tough not to let it get to me, but I've accepted that they're not going to change and I just have to deal with it.

I understand that it's difficult feeling like you have to keep secrets from your parents to keep things smooth. But if in the long run it will have such a bad effect on your relationships, it may be best just to keep the past to yourselves. Good luck, and have a blessed wedding day no matter what happens!

 

[Suzymouse]

I agree with previous posts; it is yours and your DF's business. And it sounds like telling them would only add to wedding day stress, which you're trying to eliminate!

Your parents sound exactly like mine. Recently, my DBF of a couple of years (practically fiance but my parents haven't been clued in to all those details yet specifically because of their nature) had a disagreement with my parents. My mom has a horrible temper. She was angry about a situation that was equally her fault as much as mine, but she called me up while I was with DBF and started calling me names and saying a bunch of very not-nice things to me (as she has always done, but that's a separate issue). Later, without my knowledge, DBF sent her a text message (for which he was reproached by me) pointing out that I was not fully to blame and she was wrong to say those things to me. He later apologized for stepping into their business and being rude, but my parents went into their judgemental/unforgiving moods and haven't allowed him into their house since. My DBF, like your DF, is not overly fond of my parents either and has told me on many occasions that it is difficult not to say anything to them when he knows they are out of line. I am sure that everyone will eventually cool off, but this disagreement has most likely soured their view of him. They are already disappointed that I won't be marrying a future doctor or lawyer. Am I worried that when the time comes to announce an engagement that they'll be less than thrilled for me? Absolutely. So it will be tough not to let it get to me, but I've accepted that they're not going to change and I just have to deal with it.

I understand that it's difficult feeling like you have to keep secrets from your parents to keep things smooth. But if in the long run it will have such a bad effect on your relationships, it may be best just to keep the past to yourselves. Good luck, and have a blessed wedding day no matter what happens!

Tink774: Your post was very comforting to me, thank you I'm so sorry for your situation as well, but it's SO comforting to hear that I'm not the only one with incorrigible parents! Yours sound so similar to mine & there is just no pleasing them sometimes. I'm 33 years old, which to my parents is an ancient age to get married. My amazing DF is not a future lawyer or doctor (although he's smart enough to be!!) so that's disappointing to them, he doesn't come from a well to do home so thats disappointing, he's not converting to judaism & I"m not pushing the issue (because it's not that much of an issue to me!) so that's "disappointing", etc etc etc...

My brother just got married last year at age 36. He eloped because he knew my parents wouldn't approve of his marrying a girl of different nationality & religion from ours. He didn't want to do it, but he knew if he told my parents of his plans, they would make him feel bad and he wanted to feel good on his wedding day. My parents of course were devastated that he didn't include them, but I think they understood why.

I don't want to have to do what my brother did. Even though they are pains, they are my parents and I love them & I want them to be there on my wedding day-and I want them to be there not sulking.

My DF and my parents haven't gotten into a big battle yet, but it's always a possibility. It's really a shame because my DF is the nicest, sweetest, and smartest person I know. I'm happiest when I'm with him and thats fairly evident to everyone around me. That should be more than enough to please my parents, but unfortunately it's not.

I've decided that in the end, I deserve to be happy & happy on my wedding day. I feel good now though, and I do feel like I made the right decision by not telling them, even if it's not the most honest decision.