HelP! DMIL invited herself with "spoiler" nephew

[ranthony]

We're planning a 10 day trip during Christmas. Noone in my family has been at that time and My 2yo twins have never been before. Last trip, June 04, my mom came with us and was such a great help with our then almost 3 yo son.

Now DH feels that it is his mom's turn and when she learned of our plans she immediately invited herself and decided to bring our nephew 11 along. DMIL is very "high maintenance" and likes to have things her way and I can see our nephew saying things like "there are people under those costumes" just to take the majic out of things. Luckily, we'll be there from the 19th to the 29th and they will only be there until the 23rd. It's not so much my twin DS 2 I'm worried about but my 5 yo DS that wants to follow his nephew around whenever we see him (we live in another state).

DH is great with tying to put the needs of our family first but also doesn't like to upset anyone. I am so worried that this is going to be a disaster!

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Well hugs first, but keep in mind that your DH also said that it was his mothers turn. If he feels this way, you have to allow it. It's just the way things work out

good luck!

 

[jojoandhb]

I don't get along with my MIL. She's not very nice, and she thinks she knows what is best for everyone. That said, if she invited herself on a Disney trip, I'd be upset. However, I wouldn't let it ruin anything. I could get along with her for a few days and enjoy Disney. I just let her "helpful" comments go in one ear and out the other. I think you can make the trip good or bad with your own attitude.
Often, our own opinions shape things. If you go into the trip thinking about how awful it's going to be, it will be. You'll find yourself looking for little things to get upset about. If you go into it with a good attitude and think this is going to be a great trip for your family, then it will be. Just take it in stride. If your nephew says something like, "There's a person in there." Ignore it. I don't really think that will ruin the magic. I'm sure children know that those characters aren't real. They're pretty obviously characters. Ask your nephew's parents to speak to him before the trip and explain to him not to ruin the magic for the younger children. I remember when my grandpa told me about Santa and tole me not to ruin it for my little brother. He's 27, now, and I still haven't told him!
It'll be ok ixiedust:

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Hey Christmas time in Disney allow yourself to enjoy it....You nephew might just shock you, show him snow on Mainstreet and you'll have him.
As far as you MIL I think in some ways they all require some maintence.

 

[twinspluscade]

I don't get along with my MIL. She's not very nice, and she thinks she knows what is best for everyone. That said, if she invited herself on a Disney trip, I'd be upset. However, I wouldn't let it ruin anything. I could get along with her for a few days and enjoy Disney. I just let her "helpful" comments go in one ear and out the other. I think you can make the trip good or bad with your own attitude.
Often, our own opinions shape things. If you go into the trip thinking about how awful it's going to be, it will be. You'll find yourself looking for little things to get upset about. If you go into it with a good attitude and think this is going to be a great trip for your family, then it will be. Just take it in stride. If your nephew says something like, "There's a person in there." Ignore it. I don't really think that will ruin the magic. I'm sure children know that those characters aren't real. They're pretty obviously characters. Ask your nephew's parents to speak to him before the trip and explain to him not to ruin the magic for the younger children. I remember when my grandpa told me about Santa and tole me not to ruin it for my little brother. He's 27, now, and I still haven't told him!
It'll be ok ixiedust:

My kids think the characters are real...as in there aren't any people under them. I mean, they don't really think Mickey is an actual mouse, but they think he's a "real" character (if that makes sense?)

Are my kids the only "clueless" ones?

To the OP--I'd be annoyed too. But as others have said I think the best way to deal with it is to just "grin and bear it". Maybe if they really get on your nerves you can take your oldest son to MK for a little one on one time just to get a break from the in-laws. Or you and Dh can have a night out (if you're okay about having MIL watch the kids). Probably the best thing in your situation would be for everyone to have breaks from each other.

My MIL has expresses an interest in joining us for our next trip. She thinks we're going in a year and a half, but actually we're going in six months . We haven't told anyone we've moved it up because it's going to be a surprise for the kids, and there's no way DH's familiy would be able to keep the secret. We'll tell everyone the news on my twins's birthday in June. I must admit I'm kind of hoping it'll be too late of a notice for MIL to join us. I really like her and we get along great, but she drives me crazy if I have to spend more than a day with her. A full week would drive me insane

 

[julsmom]

Man this would bug me!!! We have taken my parents. Actually, they joined us for 2 days for our 10 day trip. Both DH and I would never want his parents to go with us. (At least we agree )

I say, don't really bring it up much and maybe she will kind of lose interest. Or see if they could just come for a few days of your trip. That way you could still have YOUR time. Or, the extreme one, you could have your DH (b/c it is HIS mom) let her know how you feel. I would not want you to have a bad vacay b/c of someone else. This is YOUR vacation.

 

[kribit]

I honestly don't understand where people get the idea they can "invite" themselves on peoples vacations. My parents would never do this to us and I would never even think to do it to anyone else...it's just rude in my opinion. It's one thing to ask and be given a choice, but to force oneself on someone is just ridiculous. There is no way I would "grin and bear" it. My family gets 2 weeks per year to relax away from the stresses of home and I surely wouldn't be spending $5,000 to put up with people complaining during that time.

If it were me, I would politely say that you need time alone with "your" kids and husband. Perhaps, a subtle "no" will work.

 

[pezpam]

jojo and twins - When I first took DD to WDW, she also thought she was really meeting the characters. Thing is, it's not just your nephew who might spill the beans - other kids might say something and it's amazing how many adults feel the need to prove how smart they are by announcing it as well. (As if every other adult is in the dark, lol.) You may need to think about what you'll say ahead of time.

I'm glad DD took several trips to figure it out. One reason is because it was just so amazing to see her face when she met them. The other reason is that she's 9 now and won't ask me any questions about the characters while we're out and about because she doesn't want to ruin the magic for the younger kids - she seems to enjoy the magic more just by trying to keep the other kids having a fun time and that's really darn cool to see.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

I feel for you - my DH has said the same thing to me for a possible Christmastime trip in 2008. My mom has already been with us once and when I suggested she come again he said we had to invite his mom first even though he thinks she'd say no. I agree with jojo though that if your DMIL and nephew do end up coming that even if its hard you should try your best to keep those happy thoughts - maybe by remembering that they're only there a couple of days. Sometimes families do surprise us, especially at Disney. Plus since your trip is still pretty far off - there is a possibility your MIL might change her mind and not want to come once she starts seeing the costs add up - assuming you're not paying for her. It'll all work out okay and your family will have the best time - the decorations and holiday spirit can help even scrooge have a great time!

 

[MinMouse]

I hope this all works out for the best for you. You might want to try to get your nephew to join in the fun of watching the "little kids" see the magic in the characters. My oldest DD can be a spoiler for these types of things. She's smart and wants everyone to know . . . so I started pulling her aside (with the adults!) and saying things like "look at that adorable little girl, wow that little boy is really excited about seeing Pooh!". We've been working on it long enough that she'll often tap me on the shoulder to show me a particularly cute exchange between a little guy and a character, etc. Doesn't only happen in Disney anymore either!

 

[ranthony]

I realize that the best thing for the long-term relationships with everyone in my DH's family is that I should try to make the best of the situation. It's just a downer to be so excetied and dreaming about how wonderful it is and then have this nightmare inserted into my dreams.

We'll be doing the DDP and I don't think MIL and nephew will, so perhaps if I schedule most of our TS meals at the most expensive places she'll opt out. I'm definately going to plan our itineraries around what works best for our family and suggest she split up if it doesn't seem to suit her needs. This is not the type of woman who would be happy tagging along just to see the magic in the kids eyes when they meet a character (and BTW, my oldest did think they were the "real" characters when he met them). I doubt she'll be to happy with our plans...or realistic about timing of things with the little ones so maybe she will end up splitting up more than not.

Thanks for all your support and understanding.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

You've already gotten some great advice on the MIL situation. Good luck with that!

If they do end up coming along, maybe you can take your nephew aside and ask him to play along with the character thing. Kids that age usually like being considered "grown up," and this could be a great way to enlist him in helping keep the magic alive for the little ones.

 

[NU2WDW]

I honestly don't understand where people get the idea they can "invite" themselves on peoples vacations. My parents would never do this to us and I would never even think to do it to anyone else...it's just rude in my opinion. It's one thing to ask and be given a choice, but to force oneself on someone is just ridiculous. There is no way I would "grin and bear" it. My family gets 2 weeks per year to relax away from the stresses of home and I surely wouldn't be spending $5,000 to put up with people complaining during that time.

If it were me, I would politely say that you need time alone with "your" kids and husband. Perhaps, a subtle "no" will work.

Couldn't have said it better myself!!!!

We DID invite my in-laws on our upcoming trip, but they wouldn't have dreamed of horning in on their own!

 

[CampbellScot]

Y'all are a lot nicer than I am! I do NOT enjoy people who feel it necessary to ruin the magic for others. It just plain infuriates me. Why even bring a kid who just wants to point out how "unreal" everything is?

If he starts acting ugly or saying things about characters not being real, take both MIL and nephew aside and just nicely tell them that you KNOW that he knows the characters aren't real. You are aware that he's in on the secret. Yay for him...but want your little ones to believe in the magic as long as they can and that you would appreciate it if he could keep his comments to himself.

I too am shocked at the rudeness of some people. My parents wouldn't EVER invite themselves along on a trip...neither would my in-laws. It's tacky. Some people just have self important outer limits.

You sound like a very nice person. I hope you have a great time and remember to get tough if univited guests start raining on your parade. You do NOT have to take it just b/c they are related. You can be nice, but be firm. No need to be a doormat!

Good luck!!!

 

[mrs.beast]

If your MIL is set on coming and you really prefer your nephew stay home you could always tell you MIL that it would be wonderful if your children could have her all to theirselves on this special trip. You could also suggest that she do something else special with the nephew so that he to gets "Grammy time" himself. It would be hard for her to argue that the children wouldn't want her to themselves on the vacation and that they are little and really might not understand why she would want to go off with the nephew instead of staying with you when she is coming on your family vacation.
I have had my MIL come to visit, and go off and leave us for the day and my DS (4 at the time) asked why she was going off if she was there to see him and his sisters. I told him why and he said that if she wanted to do other things she should come up to visit us twice, that this was his time.

 

[Ariel Wanna-be]

I have a DNiece who was a little like your DNephew. She's 5 years older than my DS, and when she found out the "truth" about Santa, I was worried that she would spill the beans to DS.

So, I decided to make her feel important by including her in the "Santa Conspiracy"...I had a talk with her about how I "really needed her help" keeping the magic alive for DS, and asked her opinion about things we could do to keep him believing.

Boy did it work! It still allowed her to feel a little "superior" to DS, but rather than getting that feeling from ruining it for him to show off her advanced knowlege, she got it from being part of the "those in the know group" that was catering to the little kids.

Maybe catch your nephew at the beginning of your trip and explain that you reeeeaaaly need his help, and ask if he has any ideas that would help build the excitement for your kids. If it seems to be working, thank him often, and maybe buy him a small treat to show your appreciation.

More flies with honey, and all!

 

[two-foxes]

I completely understand your situation! We did a "full family trip" in Jan (my folks and Dsis, DH's folks and his sis and family) and I felt like we had to babysit his family the whole time. My DMIL is one of the more demanding, high maintainenace and rude people I know. (The biting comments about WDW...calling it "Wally World" didn't help either!) Now that we are planning a trip in Dec with a 6 month old, I want the least stressed trip possible, which to me means bring my folks...they are mellow, independent and will love watching their soon to be DGS(and my dad makes some killer margaritas!)....but DH feels we are not being fair by not inviting his family, even though he knows and admits that they (particulary) my DMIL, are not easy travel companions.

My only advice is....family is family...okay that it not advice really, but I guess I would rather deal with them at WDW than at home any day! Good luck!

 

[Twingle]

Wow, you've gotten lots of great advice! I can't help you with having your MIL go along, because frankly, if my MIL came with us to Disney, I would be staying at home!

We have an older son and younger twin daughters as well. Is your MIL looking at this trip as a vacation for her, or to help you with the children? The reason I ask, is if she knows your going to be looking at her to help hold baby A while baby B and big bro are doing whatever with mom and dad, will she balk at that? Speaking from experience, when you have HELPFUL adults outnumbering the children, it really adds to the magic. When you have extra adults doing their own thing while you run around after your kids and need an extra pair of hands, it can be alot easier to not even have them around in the first place. Boy does that sound rude as I re-read it. What I mean is, you can get very frustrated if you think someone is there to help, and when they don't you get upset. Hopefully I'm not the only person that feels like that!

As far as your nephew goes, does he have younger siblings? and he knows he has to do the whole Santa thing for them? If not, I agree with the pp's about talking to him before your trip, and having some special rewards for him.

Good luck!

 

[seashoreCM]

How about this: For decisions you get two votes, DH gets one vote, DMIL gets one vote, DS5 gets one vote, and DNe11 gets zero votes (or can share with DMIL.

Disney hints: http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[Schmeck]

Wow, I've got the best MIL - I love doing WDW (and other trips) with her. She's just the most wonderful woman you could ever meet. Sorry, I'm not sharing her!

Are you staying at the same resort? Are you on the same reservation? Are you arriving at the same time? If you are at the same resort, try to get rooms in different areas, to give you a little breathing room. If you are on the same reservation, that might be difficult. Arriving at different times might help too, as you can actually make sure your rooms are a bit apart.