Heather update -- it's enough to make you want to roll your eyes

[Briar Rose 7457]

so today my sister picks up my dd at school just beofre lunch because dd has an appointment. my sister sees Heather in the hall and asks dd if matters are resolved. dd says "I'm waiting for Heather to make up her mind and tell em whether she still wants to be my friend."

my sister's reply "You don't need to wait, you have your answer. she's not your friend."

 

[jamsmom]

Tell your daughter not to waist her time waiting. She doesn't need to be treated that way. I would love to know what the guidance counselor said when Heather said that!

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

the guidance counselor must have been floored.


my dd has a lot of nice friends. she doesn't need Heather. but she hates to lose a friendship. it's hard for her to accept that Heather isn't really her friend.

now my younger dd -- you don't want to be on her "list". right now younger dd, who is in 5th grade, is having "issues" with a classmate. I almost feel sorry for the classmate.

almost.


dd has been going to the same school since kindergarten. she's had the same seat at the same lunch table for years. a few weeks ago, the other girl decided that she wanted to sit in dd's seat. the first few times she did this, there were some words exchanged. she called my dd a "bully" and said "I'm just standing up for my rights." and now she makes it a point to leave recess five minutes early so that she can claim that seat.

so dd found herself another seat.

yesterday the other girl made a big show out of handing out invitations to her graduation party. the kids are not supposed to hand out invitations at school. of course, my dd was not invited. she would not have gone to the party even if she was invited.

but the other girl is hinting that she wants an invitation to dd's birthday party, which will be next month. gues who isn't getting an invitation? and guess who will probably make a fuss when she finds out she's not invited?

the last giurl who pulled this kind of thing on my younger dd wound up begging to be freinds again.

 

[ltldeb]

What is it with the kids these days? At the beginning of the school year this year, my DD11 came home from school complaining that a girl in her class, along with another girl, was saying things to her and not being nice to her. When I found out who it was, it floored me, because the girl is in our Girl Scout troop. It went on for a while, so I decided to approach the mother about the situation. Her and I were friendly and have often discussed our children. The mother assured me that my DD was lying and her DD had to be telling the truth and she never said any of the things my DD accused her of saying. Well, when I went to parent/teacher night at the school, I asked the teacher about it. I was informed that my DD was telling the truth and the other girl was the instigator. Of course, at this point, it would be useless for me to say anything to the mother because the teacher said she had talked to the mother about it.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

sirls are just not nice to each other sometimes, I guess.

 

[Beauty]

sirls are just not nice to each other sometimes, I guess.

What a true statement that is!

 

[RUDisney]

My sister is in 6th grade and she has a "Heather" named Amanda. From everything that Amanda has done to my sister, it sounds to me like she is jealous... much like Heather is. Amanda is in counseling to deal with stuff in her life, but she hasn't figured out yet that if she treats people with respect, they will treat her nicely, too.

Amanda is heavy, comes from a poorer family, and isn't doing well in school. Her homelife is not that great, but her mother doesn't believe she ever would do anything wrong. My sister is pretty, smart, isn't rich, but has enough money to go places and do things and has a great family life.... ala Huxtable or Brady.

My sister has finally learned to try to avoid Amanda. Things seem to work out better that way.

I don't know if it's just girls, in general, or if it's hormones that work this evil magic.

 

[jamsmom]

Boys can be toots, too!

 

[nativetxn]

Your daughter sounds like she is mature beyond her years. She has reacted so calmly and reasonably to the baiting and cruelty. That is very unusual in a girl of her age. I know she must make you very proud. I would be proud if she was <i>my</i> daughter. It must hurt quite a bit though. It is difficult to watch our children endure mean and cruel treatment by others.

Little girls (and big ones) can be very cruel for no good reason. Of course, there is never really a good reason for cruelty, is there?

Katholyn

 

[Dancind]

Too funny. I'm sitting here reading a book called "Odd Girl Out", and I spotted this thread. The subtitle of the book is "The hidden culture of aggression in girls" and it deals with the bullying that goes on among girls from 10 to 14 years old. My DD is in 6th grade and has had an absolutely miserable year. A girl she has been friends with since 1st grade has decided to make a target of her. This has included shunning, sarcasm, put downs, false rumors, the whole gamut. My DD doesn't know how to extricate herself from this situation, and I haven't been able to get the school to help, even the counselor. I have thought about calling the Mother, but decided I would probably get a reaction similar to the above. I'm sure her Mom doesn't have a clue. My DD is starting to make a new friend in her Gifted classes (finally), just when I was ready to move her to another school next year. Yes, girls are mean. I have heard that girls in mid-school are popular for being mean, of course this changes when they hit high school. Two more years. Diana

 

[Mish19]

When I was in grade school I hung out with a group of 7 girls, 2 of them were the only true friends I had. If one girl dedided to be mad at another girl 3 or 4 joined in the fight.
They were real....uh..witches when it came to that sort of thing. I was the nice one of the group and kids outside our circle would ask me why I hung out with them. Our parents were friends so it was hard to ditch them. I was so happy to get away from them in high school, in fact, they all thought I would invite them to my sweet 16. I loved knowing I wasn't going to!
I really hope your daughters can get through it, atleast it gets better as the girls get older.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I've got two girls, I wouldn't know about boys.

 

[bsnyder]

Is anyone here familiar with the Ophelia Project? It deals with the subject being discussed in this thread - Relational Agression.

http://www.opheliaproject.org/issues/issues_RA.shtml

From the website:

"Aggression" is defined as behavior that is intended to harm others. Aggression can take many forms, but physical forms of aggression (getting into physical fights, dating violence, violent crimes) have received the most attention from researchers, educators, and parents, who understandably are interested in protecting their children from the serious harm that physical aggression often inflicts. Because most females of all ages (with the exception of toddlers) engage in comparatively low levels of physical aggression, this focus on physical aggression has lead to the notion that females are "less aggressive" than males.

What we now know is that school-aged girls are far more aggressive than has been previously believed; their preferred expression of aggression, however, is not physical, but relational aggression.

Relational aggression encompasses behaviors that harm others by damaging (or threatening to damage) or manipulating one's relationships with his/her peers, or by injuring one's feelings of social acceptance. For example:

Purposefully ignoring someone when angry (giving the "silent treatment")
Spreading rumors about a disliked classmate
Telling others not to play with a certain classmate as a means of retaliation.
In each of these examples, social relationships are used as the vehicle for harming a peer.

How Girls Hurt Each Other: One Example
A high school student, one of 12 who had met to talk to us at an advisory council meeting, told us this story. She cried as she recounted being tormented in middle school by her classmates. For some reason she was targeted as a "dog," and day after day she had to walk the halls with kids barking at her. There was silence in the room as we each imagined the horror of that kind of rejection. Finally we asked her, "Then what happened? How did it stop?" She replied softly, "I stopped it." We breathed a sigh of relief. Great! Thank goodness. "How?" we asked. Her voice was so quiet we had to strain to hear her. "I picked out another girl, someone worse off than me, and started to call her a dog. Then the others forgot about me. We barked at her instead."

 

[DonnaS]

That is very interesting, very sad, and also, unfortunately, very true Bets.

 

[AngieBelle]

I went through years of bullying and teasing in middle school and elementary school by both boys and girls. In 4th and 5th grade, my sis and I were friends with another set of sisters, but shortly after my 10th birthday they suddenly turned on us. We never did figure out why. It was very upsetting.

 

[Dancind]

My DD's friend was not the only one bullying her. There was another girl that she had made friends with at the beginning of the year. This girl turned against her, and when P.E. started after the Winter Break, it intensified. Whispering about her to other girls (and boys) while she watched, false rumors, walking up to her and yelling in her face "it's a boy! it's a boy!", and asking her loudly "why are you so ugly?" Big joke (I have no idea why the teacher was never around). My DD is a beautiful, graceful, and talented dancer. This girl was nominated by a teacher to be the Valentine queen for 6th grade, and she won! I managed to get my daughter out of P.E. by saying I wanted to "home-school" her for P.E. (7th period), and asked the 6th grade period teacher to separate them in the classroom. The abuse and rumors have stopped, I imagine the bully is targeting someone else now. Noone at the school ever asked who the bully is. Diana

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

update -- Heather wants to be dd's friend, but now dd isn't so sure she wants to be Heather's friend.