Having kids at an "advanced" age?

[starrzone]

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[GOOFY4DONALD]

Hello. First of all, except in very extreme cases, I don't believe that there is any problem with having children when you are older. There are all kinds of parents out there and frankly the ones that get the stares are the ones with the punked out parents or even the parents that walk their kids to 1st grade and brag that they hate that they will turn 20 next week because they feel so old (true story). That being said my mother had a baby at what you consider an advanced age. I am 24 years older than my youngest sibling. There has never been any problem with it at all. My DD is 1 grade level older than her aunt. Everyone at the school knows it. The only thing that is said is wow I can't believe that's your mom you look like sisters. My kids and my youngest sister are so close. They are best friends.

 

[Mommy2Julia&Brynn]

When I was born, my dad was almost 53! Really, you're only as old as you feel! In our case, he has always been really active and energetic, often doing things the younger dads didn't do. He's nearly 79 now, and he's still going strong. He credits me with helping him stay young (and now also credits his grandchildren with this). From his first marriage, he had three kids that are around my mom's age, then my brother and me much later in life. In all my life, it was never an issue, and nobody really thought anything of it.
That being said, my husband and I want to have all our children before we're 35 or so because we KNOW we don't have that kind of energy! I guess what I'm trying to say is...evaluate your personalities and how you're feeling, and if you're up for it, go for it!!!! Good luck!

 

[starrzone]

When I was born, my dad was almost 53! Really, you're only as old as you feel! In our case, he has always been really active and energetic, often doing things the younger dads didn't do. He's nearly 79 now, and he's still going strong. He credits me with helping him stay young (and now also credits his grandchildren with this). From his first marriage, he had three kids that are around my mom's age, then my brother and me much later in life. In all my life, it was never an issue, and nobody really thought anything of it.
That being said, my husband and I want to have all our children before we're 35 or so because we KNOW we don't have that kind of energy! I guess what I'm trying to say is...evaluate your personalities and how you're feeling, and if you're up for it, go for it!!!! Good luck!

That's the thing!!! Don't get me wrong; SO is a great father. However, when we have the kids for the weekend at his place, I'm the one who runs around the yard with them, goes for walks in the woods, gets the craft materials out, does little science projects...he just doesn't get active with them!!! I can't see him having any less energy at 45 than he has now at 37; he's not that active in the first place!

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

That's the thing!!! Don't get me wrong; SO is a great father. However, when we have the kids for the weekend at his place, I'm the one who runs around the yard with them, goes for walks in the woods, gets the craft materials out, does little science projects...he just doesn't get active with them!!! I can't see him having any less energy at 45 than he has now at 37; he's not that active in the first place!

Fathers...all parents..vary in the time and attention they give their kids. Some parents enjoy playing around with their kids some don't. I think that the fact that your SO's attention to his kids is more about attitute rather than age/energy level. My DH used to be the kind of guy that worked all day and when he got home the last thing he wanted to do was even hear the sound of the kids. It took a long of nagging and yelling...on my part...for him to discover that hanging with your kids can actually be enjoyable.

 

[limace]

OUr situation was reversed a bit, in that I already had a child and DH was new to fatherhood when we had our daughter-he was 39 at the time. He's 42, and we're expecting a baby again shortly. He has done beautifully with it-he's a fabulous dad, the two of them dote on each other, and I'm guessing he would not have been in a place to be so focused on kids if he'd had them ten years ago.

Our girls are 9 years apart and my oldest does very well with her sister. They fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but they also absolutely adore each other. And man, the age gap is often a perk for me-I can leave the two of them alone (the oldest is 12 now) and run to a doctor's appointment and it's fine.

 

[Britgirlus]

I was 3 weeks shy of my 40th birthday, and dh was 47 when we had our first and last child (only child for either of us). Our son is now 6, and dh is a great dad - I think these days people are starting to have kids at an older age, so this will be more normal than it used to be. Yes, dh is occasionally mistaken for grandpa, but it's all taken in good humor (I think he actually enjoys telling them that he's really dad - gives him a little boost)

 

[starrzone]

Our situation was reversed a bit, in that I already had a child and DH was new to fatherhood when we had our daughter-he was 39 at the time. He's 42, and we're expecting a baby again shortly. He has done beautifully with it-he's a fabulous dad, the two of them dote on each other, and I'm guessing he would not have been in a place to be so focused on kids if he'd had them ten years ago.

Our girls are 9 years apart and my oldest does very well with her sister. They fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but they also absolutely adore each other. And man, the age gap is often a perk for me-I can leave the two of them alone (the oldest is 12 now) and run to a doctor's appointment and it's fine.

A couple questions...1) Was your DH willing/eager to become a father? Did he take much convincing? My SO told me that he wanted to be a father by 30, and he was...twice by the time he was 31. 2) Does your oldest daughter live with you? I have the feeling that SO is also concerned about his kids (who live with their mother) feeling left out/jealous/neglected because THEY don't get to live with Dad but (potential) new baby does. SO and his ex were separated when the kids were 5 and 4.

I was 3 weeks shy of my 40th birthday, and dh was 47 when we had our first and last child (only child for either of us). Our son is now 6, and dh is a great dad - I think these days people are starting to have kids at an older age, so this will be more normal than it used to be. Yes, dh is occasionally mistaken for grandpa, but it's all taken in good humor (I think he actually enjoys telling them that he's really dad - gives him a little boost)

Thanks for posting! If I do have a baby, he/she will likely be the only one. I think one child is enough for me!

I agree 100% with the bolded part! My 17-year old brother has several friends whose parents are older (i.e. 50+). I think older parents are more patient and just more experienced in life. My parents' situation was pretty much like yours; my mother turned 39 two months before my brother was born, and my father was almost 42.

How long were you and DH together before you decided to have your DS? Was he hesitant at all about becoming a first-time dad at "that age"? I know my father was quite nervous, according to my uncle, about becoming a father at 42.

Thanks so much...I really appreciate everyone's answers.

 

[hoosiergirl7]

Both DH and I tried to have kids when I was younger - 18 months after we got married. However, life had different plans. DH was 28 when we married, I was 21. So if you do the math, he's 7 yrs older. Well through fertility issues and a miscarriage when I was 25 and DH was 32 we chose adoption which we knew before we were married was going to be how we were likely going to have children. So when I was 28 nearly 29 and DH was 35 nearly 36 our son was born and we adopted him. Just 6 short weeks ago we brought home our 18 month old daughter who was born a few months before DH turned 40. I'm currently 34 and DH is 41 and we'd like to have 1 more child. Most of the guys we know DH's age have kids in high school. We're definitely among the crowd that had kids later in life since most people my age as well have kids older than my son. Does it bother us, sometimes, but having young kids helps keep us young.

I don't know how long you plan to wait to have kids. You just need to find a list of celebrities that became fathers at an older age. Kevin Costner is 53 and his wife had a baby earlier this year. Dennis Quaid was 53 when his twins were born 2 yrs ago. Jack Nicholson was 55 when his youngest was born. I'm sure you could find plenty of examples for your husband.

 

[Britgirlus]

How long were you and DH together before you decided to have your DS? Was he hesitant at all about becoming a first-time dad at "that age"? I know my father was quite nervous, according to my uncle, about becoming a father at 42.

We met in 1996, married in 1997, and had our son in 2003. We decided to stary trying for a baby when I was 36, dh said we would try for a year, and if nothing happened, then so be it. I got pregnant after 2 1/2 years - dh didn't think we were still trying LOL - so was quite surprised when I announced I was pregnant (he still jokingly claims I tricked him). I think he was pretty hesitant, he had never been around kids before and had never held a baby, but once we had the first appt and he heard the heartbeat, he was hooked. He is now 53 and now likes nothing better than playing soccer with our 6 year old in the back yard

 

[Cadiewampus]

OUr situation was reversed a bit, in that I already had a child and DH was new to fatherhood when we had our daughter-he was 39 at the time. He's 42, and we're expecting a baby again shortly. He has done beautifully with it-he's a fabulous dad, the two of them dote on each other, and I'm guessing he would not have been in a place to be so focused on kids if he'd had them ten years ago.

Our girls are 9 years apart and my oldest does very well with her sister. They fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but they also absolutely adore each other. And man, the age gap is often a perk for me-I can leave the two of them alone (the oldest is 12 now) and run to a doctor's appointment and it's fine.

Wow sounds like someone cloned my family except that neither of us already had child. Anyway we have two boys 16 and 9. Had our youngest when I was 40 and my wife was 38. Its great having a built in babysitter. Just worry sometimes if they are going to kill each other while we are gone out. Also it was great not having two kids in daycare at the same time. $$$$

 

[JB2K]

This is not about whether or not we want/should have kids; it's just about the father being "older" when the child is born

OK -- I was 42 when my DS (now 2 1/2) was born. I wouldn't worry about being "60 when he graduates high school", as attitudes have changed (plus, if you make a commitment to stay healthy, 60 is merely a number).

From a personal perspective, my son's energy is one of the things that keeps me young!

Besides, I am told this kind of thing is quite common in places like Australia and the UK, in fact, that the Aussie government was offering cash stipends for those younger couples to have little ones.

 

[laceemouse]

I don't think his age matters, as long as he WANTS to have another baby to raise. You do need to be aware, though, that your fertility (and probably his) is decreasing every year. You are less fertile than you were 5 years ago, and you will be less so 5 years from now. The crazy high rate of infertility is directly related to people, male and female, waiting so long to have kids.

 

[starrzone]

I don't think his age matters, as long as he WANTS to have another baby to raise. You do need to be aware, though, that your fertility (and probably his) is decreasing every year. You are less fertile than you were 5 years ago, and you will be less so 5 years from now. The crazy high rate of infertility is directly related to people, male and female, waiting so long to have kids.

And this is it...I just want to make sure that if he doesn't want to have kids, it's not SOLELY because he thinks he's "too old" and unsure of what kind of father he can be. Of course, maybe this issue is enough to NOT want to have another baby to raise...I don't know...I'm so confused...

 

[tloveswdw]

My DH was 40, 42, 44, and 47 (I am 15 years younger) as our kiddos arrived. He is the most active and loving dad around. He wanted the children, and wants to parent them.

He is a teacher, (middle school), head football and wrestling coach, and is our children's soccer, and baseball coach. He is the first to suggest we do an outing, go for a bikeride, read with the children.

Age is not even close to an important factor... it is whether or not one wants to parent. (I am the 4th of 5 ,my dad was 40 when I came along... we all loved our very active and fun dad. He is 70+ now and super active marathon runner)

I would say have a conversation about parenting, and not age.

 

[Colleen27]

*This is not about whether or not we want/should have kids; it's just about the father being "older" when the child is born *

Does anyone have any wisdom about having kids at 40 or around there? How did DH/SO react? If either of you had kids previously, how did the older ones react to a baby sibling? Thanks so much...you all give such good advice

DH had a hard time with that with our youngest. He was 38 when she was born and he still worries over how we'll handle things when she's older, like paying for college at a time when he'll be wanting to retire, things like that. I know he would have preferred to have her when he was younger, but life had other plans and having her now is better than not having her at all. That said, he wouldn't have planned it this way. We stopped trying in 2005 and he had a vasectomy in 2007. DD was conceived in that short time after the vas. but before full sterility, and came as a (very happy) surprise to us both.

Our older kids weren't a problem at all - they're 10.5 and 7 years older than the baby, and they both adore her. We wanted the same spacing between DD8 and DD1 as we have between DS11 & DD8, but like I said, life had other plans. I wouldn't trade this spacing for the world - the older kids always want to play with her and help take care of her rather than being jealous of all the attention she gets!

 

[lil mermaid]

My DD was born when I was 36 and my DH 40, and my son when I was 38 and my DH 42. We both really wanted children, and that is just the ages we happened to be when we had them. I don't think our age has really had much effect on them, except that we were able to afford for me to quit my job to stay home with them. We may not have been able to do that when we were younger. We are a very active family and love to do things with our children.

That's the thing!!! Don't get me wrong; SO is a great father. However, when we have the kids for the weekend at his place, I'm the one who runs around the yard with them, goes for walks in the woods, gets the craft materials out, does little science projects...he just doesn't get active with them!!! I can't see him having any less energy at 45 than he has now at 37; he's not that active in the first place!

See, here is the thing. You have to figure out if that is the kind of father that you want your children to have. I'd be sad for my kids if their Dad didn't do any of those things with them. You have information that many of us don't have before we have kids with someone - you can already see what kind of father he is! You sound like you are more involved with his children than he is (it sounds like you have fun with them - that's good.) Anyway, I don't necessarily think it has anything do with his age. He's just not a very involved father.

Also - you need to decide, if this guy doesn't want any more kids, and you do want them, if you want to be with him. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and I am sure you will figure it all out. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

 

[starrzone]

Our older kids weren't a problem at all - they're 10.5 and 7 years older than the baby, and they both adore her. We wanted the same spacing between DD8 and DD1 as we have between DS11 & DD8, but like I said, life had other plans. I wouldn't trade this spacing for the world - the older kids always want to play with her and help take care of her rather than being jealous of all the attention she gets!

That's almost exactly the spacing in my family; I'm 27, brother #1 is 25, and brother #2 is 17. I adored my youngest brother, and there was never any jealousy or resentment. At 17, he will still come sit on my lap and hug me, but at the same time I think he'd feel comfortable telling me things he wouldn't want to tell our mother. I love the spacing and wouldn't change it for the world

See, here is the thing. You have to figure out if that is the kind of father that you want your children to have. I'd be sad for my kids if their Dad didn't do any of those things with them. You have information that many of us don't have before we have kids with someone - you can already see what kind of father he is! You sound like you are more involved with his children than he is (it sounds like you have fun with them - that's good.) Anyway, I don't necessarily think it has anything do with his age. He's just not a very involved father.

Also - you need to decide, if this guy doesn't want any more kids, and you do want them, if you want to be with him. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and I am sure you will figure it all out. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Thank you for your kind words . I have been thinking a lot about my future as of late, and maybe the whole kids thing is part of that. I went back and forth for a long, long time, and I think I've finally decided that I do want one, when the time is right and with the right person. I'm having a great time with this guy and his kids, don't get me wrong...but will I end up with him and have kids with him? I'm not so sure now.

Sometimes I wonder why he wanted kids in the first place, or maybe he's changed a lot since his oldest was born. If his attitudes towards children have changed, I'm not so sure I'd want him to be my child's father.

 

[laceemouse]

Sometimes I wonder why he wanted kids in the first place, or maybe he's changed a lot since his oldest was born. If his attitudes towards children have changed, I'm not so sure I'd want him to be my child's father.[/QUOTE]

A few things need to be kept in mind about this.
1- Maybe his attitude towards his kids HAS changed as he has gotten older?
2- Maybe the kids were not planned? I never had an unplanned pregnancy but a LOT of people seem to:confused
3- Maybe the DIVORCE has changed his attitude towards the kids? It is sad to think that but it happens all the time.

I feel for you, but talking about the kid thing needs to take place during dating. My hubby and I decided that we both wanted kids, and how many we wanted, early in our dating. I have a friend whose hubby said he did NOT want kids when they were dating. She married him anyway and worked on him for years to change his mind. They finally ended up with a couple of "surprises" and he SEEMS okay with them, but I wouldn't have married him in the first place had it been me.
Good luck deciding though

 

[starrzone]

A few things need to be kept in mind about this.
1- Maybe his attitude towards his kids HAS changed as he has gotten older?
2- Maybe the kids were not planned? I never had an unplanned pregnancy but a LOT of people seem to:confused
3- Maybe the DIVORCE has changed his attitude towards the kids? It is sad to think that but it happens all the time.

I feel for you, but talking about the kid thing needs to take place during dating. My hubby and I decided that we both wanted kids, and how many we wanted, early in our dating. I have a friend whose hubby said he did NOT want kids when they were dating. She married him anyway and worked on him for years to change his mind. They finally ended up with a couple of "surprises" and he SEEMS okay with them, but I wouldn't have married him in the first place had it been me.
Good luck deciding though

1- I guess I meant to say kids in GENERAL, not just his kids. There is a lot that's happened in his life since he had the kids, but I don't think he regrets having become a father. He told me that he wanted to be a dad by the time he was 30, and he was a dad twice by 31. It's like "the plan" went according to what he wanted, but then there were relationship problems with him and the ex. I think that he's not sure what direction his life is going in; he dislikes his job a lot and is working on some other projects that he hopes will bring in income. We shall see...

2- I think at least the first child was planned, as per the "dad by 30" thing. Not sure about the second one, being only 16 months younger than the first. He said that ex wanted 4, but the compromise was 3, and that they weren't actively trying for a third. He also said it was "selfish" for him to deny ex #3, which sounds to me like a) he didn't WANT a third, let alone a fourth, and b) he and ex weren't on the same page about kids.

3- I think you're right about the divorce. I think HE thinks "The kids have been through enough already; I don't want to make them think that I don't love them". Or that he thinks they'd be jealous or resentful about another sibling who gets to live full-time with dad and whose dad will be there when they're little. He's told me that the kids have said things like "What I want most for Christmas is for Daddy to be there on Christmas morning", and I've heard them reference "We don't do X with Daddy because he left". Don't get me wrong...I love those kids so much, even though I've only been in their lives for less than 5 months. I think that whatever happens with them, their dad and me, it has to be in the best interest of everyone involved, not 1/3 or 2/3 of the groups. I totally accept that.

As for the bolded part...I don't want to have to convince anyone to have kids. I think a baby should be brought into this world with the consent of both parents involved. I know that "surprises" happen; heck, a friend I've known for over 20 years and his gf are expecting a baby in less than 2 weeks. He's still in law school, and she's either almost done school or has just graduated. Was this baby planned? No. But I'm sure the two of them, who have been dating for awhile, have discussed the issue of children. As for my SO and I, I want him to be 100% on board with whatever we decide. Something happened in his previous marriage to make them decide to separate, and I don't want the same thing to happen to us, whether it was the children issue, stress related to kids, or financial issues related to the point in their relationship that they decided to have kids. Is that fair?