having children/ or not

[rockundergirl]

Thought this might be interesting to talk about..

I'm 30 and about to enter into my second marriage. I have a 6 year old from my first marriage. The economy seems so tough right now, I'm factoring finances into my decision to have more children or not. I'm financially stable, and so is my soon to be dh. Heres whats running through my mind.

a) is it fair to my first child
b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

 

[mom2val]

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[ktlm]

I see 2 very important questions that are missing:
1) Does your soon to be DH have any children ?
2) If not, does your soon to be DH want a child of his own that he doesn't have to share with your ex?
Personally, I think those are the most important questions. If your DH has no other children of his own, and wants kids, I think everything else will work out. As far as your other questions specifically:

a) I can relate. My DD(5) is an only (not by DH and my choice, but by circumstance) and she absolutely DOES NOT want any type of sibling. If a sibling would have happened, she would just have had to deal with it. I'm sure she would have adjusted. I'm sure you and your new DH have plenty of love to spread around. You just have to make sure your DD feels special even if a sibling is added. I wonder if it is fair to my DD that she doesn't have siblings. I'm lucky she doesn't want them anyway. I wouldn't let your child dictate your choice about whether to have another child.

b) Is there a reason that is something you would even think about? Do you or your DH have some sort of family history of concern? 30 isn't old. It is not an age that as a general matter you should need to worry about things. You never know what any kid might need. You never know what might happen in the future to any member of your family, that might cause them to have special needs or extra attention. I wouldn't be overly concerned with "what ifs".

c) Kind of along with (b). Anyone can lose a job or get hit by a bus tomorrow. You never know what the future will bring until it gets here. If people thought about that, no one would ever have any kids.

I do think finances in general should have some weight on the amount of kids you have. If you can't support 5 kids, you probably shouldn't be having five kids. However, again, if everyone waited until they knew they were completely financially secure for the rest of their life, then there wouldn't be that many kids out there!

Good luck with your decision!

 

[ilovemk76]

Thought this might be interesting to talk about..

I'm 30 and about to enter into my second marriage. I have a 6 year old from my first marriage. The economy seems so tough right now, I'm factoring finances into my decision to have more children or not. I'm financially stable, and so is my soon to be dh. Heres whats running through my mind.

a) is it fair to my first child
b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

You also need to consider how a child born of you and your new DH will effect how you son from a previous relationship. Some kids feel the new one is more loved, since they are the new DH's bio child. Babies require lots of time but 6 year olds do not realize that and just see mom and "new" dad spending so much time with their baby and he may feel less wanted.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Aside from the basics of being able to feed, clothe, shelter and provide medical care, I don't think finances are a piece of the equation. Jmo.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Imo, finances should ALWAYS factor in when deciding to have a child. But first, I agree with the other pp that you need to decide if it's something you both want. If your dh says a child together is an absolute must, and you are concerned that having a child together will make things financially difficult, or you're ambivalent about a 2nd child, then you have to work that out first.

Dh brought a young son to our marriage. And we had one child together, by choice. We knew we had an obligation to his ds that was existing when we married, so we absolutely factored in finances when deciding whether to have any children together at all, and then to decide how many. We have not regretted our decision.

 

[smokeyblue]

I think there's a saying that goes something like "if you wait for a good time to have children, you'll never have them." There are always going to be reasons to not have children.

I don't have kids and don't know that I want to, but I don't begrudge anyone who wants kids to have them. I think anyone stable couple who has the capacity to love and take care of a child should have one or two children when they want to. So many people I know are "working poor". They work just as hard or harder as anyone else and they deserve to have children just as much as someone who makes good money. As long as one can reasonably provide food, clothing and shelter I say go for it.

 

[labdogs42]

As the parent of an only child (by choice), I might not be the right person to ask! But, I have divorced parents and I'm pretty glad that I didn't have any half siblings to deal with growing up. I have friends with step kids and half siblings and it seems so difficult to me to raise kids in an enviroment where one or omre of the kids live with both parents all the time and then other kids are there for every other weekend or whatever schedule they are on. It just seems terribly disruptive to me. So, given a choice, I'd choose the less complicated route of sticking with one child. But, that's me! And, from a financial standpoint, it is very expensive to raise a child, we all know that!

 

[rockundergirl]

This is something to discuss with your fiancee BEFORE you get married! You both need to be on the same page as to whether or not you want a child together.

Oh of course! This is just been on my mind and I wanted to hear peoples opinions, not even really specifically to my situation , just about the subject matter in general.

As to your question about finances. We adopted our dd so they played a huge factor in our choice not to adopt a second child. We used a private agency and the cost was over $25,000. Yes I realize their are less expensive routes but if we were to adopt again we would use the same agency. That being said dh and I decided to be happy with only 1 child and just try to give her every advantage we could - trips, private school, private art lessons ect. We knew that with 2 children we would not be able to afford all the extras and me stay at home taking care of the children.

I see 2 very important questions that are missing:
1) Does your soon to be DH have any children ? no
2) If not, does your soon to be DH want a child of his own that he doesn't have to share with your ex? he def wants children of his own even tho he loves my son
Personally, I think those are the most important questions. If your DH has no other children of his own, and wants kids, I think everything else will work out. As far as your other questions specifically:

a) I can relate. My DD(5) is an only (not by DH and my choice, but by circumstance) and she absolutely DOES NOT want any type of sibling. If a sibling would have happened, she would just have had to deal with it. I'm sure she would have adjusted. I'm sure you and your new DH have plenty of love to spread around. You just have to make sure your DD feels special even if a sibling is added. I wonder if it is fair to my DD that she doesn't have siblings. I'm lucky she doesn't want them anyway. I wouldn't let your child dictate your choice about whether to have another child.

b) Is there a reason that is something you would even think about? Do you or your DH have some sort of family history of concern? 30 isn't old. It is not an age that as a general matter you should need to worry about things. You never know what any kid might need. You never know what might happen in the future to any member of your family, that might cause them to have special needs or extra attention. I wouldn't be overly concerned with "what ifs". I feel that if I don't have another child in the next few years I prob don't want to , I love my mother to death, but she waited to have me till she was almost 40, her health was failing by the time i was a teenager.. I would rather my kids not have to deal with that. ( if possible of course)

c) Kind of along with (b). Anyone can lose a job or get hit by a bus tomorrow. You never know what the future will bring until it gets here. If people thought about that, no one would ever have any kids.

I do think finances in general should have some weight on the amount of kids you have. If you can't support 5 kids, you probably shouldn't be having five kids. However, again, if everyone waited until they knew they were completely financially secure for the rest of their life, then there wouldn't be that many kids out there!

Good luck with your decision!

Thanks !

 

[DawnM]

I didn't even get married until age 29 and had my first child at age 31, so you are certainly not too old to have kids.

Finances are subjective. I know great parents who provide very little extra "stuff" but a whole lot of the necessary stuff (love, support, etc...) and then I know parents who provide private education, cars, and lots of material "stuff" but very little of the necessary stuff.

Dawn

 

[princessmorgan]

From a financial standpoint, yes, children, are expensive, but it depends how much you're providing for them. I don't think food, clothing, shelter are that much more for 2 children than one. But if you are wanting to take multiple family vacations a year, provide all the latest gadgets, newest things, etc, then it will be a lot more. I think it's smart to think about it before hand, so that you can provide for any children you decide to have.

DH and I have 4 children. I am a SAHM and we live in a pretty expensive area. We are financially stable and have money in savings and can afford to go to Disney once or twice a year, eat out a couple of times a week, etc. However we budget our money well. We don't have expensive cars, we're not into electronics, I look for a deal for everything, etc. It all depends on what is right for your family.

I love seeing my kids play and interact together, but they are close in age. I can't speak for how your DD will feel if you have another child. DH and I both come from families of 4 kids and it's just what felt right for us.

ETA: You never know if someone will lose their job. DH lost his job in June, but luckily found another one quickly and picked up where he left off.

 

[QVCshopper]

Thought this might be interesting to talk about..

I'm 30 and about to enter into my second marriage. I have a 6 year old from my first marriage. The economy seems so tough right now, I'm factoring finances into my decision to have more children or not. I'm financially stable, and so is my soon to be dh. Heres whats running through my mind.

a) is it fair to my first child
b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

Your son is 6, as is my DD. I don't think this is too large an age gap. My closest sibling is 7.5 years younger than me and we talk/see each other all the time, so, I don't think having another would do you son a disservice.

As for b & c, these are factors you have little control over. You can prepare yourself financially by having an emergency fund, but you can't do much if there is a genetic issue or problem during delivery. Things like that can and do happen. Are they the norm? Probably not.

That said, I'm expecting our third. I worry about paying for college, but otherwise, I think we are well prepared to love another child and provide for him/her. Life is short, and when we weighed the bigger picture, we decided to have another. Our house is paid for completely, we save tons for retirement, have an emergency fund, etc. Yes, this economy is screwy and scary. Yes, there are many unknowns. But, parts of living is faith. Just getting out of bed and driving to work takes faith. I was injured rather significantly after having my second (arm and leg) and came out on the other side quite healthy, it taught me to trust more, be well prepared for the unknown, and to believe. If you are always scared of the unknown (as I have been in the past), then you never really make a decision.

 

[WantToGoNow]

I was 34 when my dh and I married - and I had a 15 y/o dd. He had never been married and had no children. I knew he wanted children so I knew that even though mine was nearly grown, I would be starting over. My ds was born 2 years later my dd 2.5 years after that - I was almost 39 when she was born. My children are spread over a 20 year period and on my oldest dd's 21st birthday, I had my tubes tied.

You need to discuss this with your fiance before you get married so you know what to expect and not have this be a sore spot later on.

My oldest dd has been a great help with her brother and sister. You will not have such a great age gap but I would think it would be far enough that you shouldn't have jealosy issues from your son. As far as the economy and possible job losses, no one really knows. I did lose my job when my youngest was just over a year old (I have had 3 jobs since) and my dh is unemployed now.

 

[SandrA9810]

I'd say wait a couple of years, when your 6 yr old becomes more independent in his daily life, and more activities. That way he doesn't feel like his mommy time is being taken away from him.

It sounds more like you want another child, but just not at this moment in time, and so you're trying to justify the reason for holding off. Especially since your new DH wants to have his own children. I also don't think that you need any other reasons for holding off, just that it's not the right time for the two of you.

 

[eliza61]

Thought this might be interesting to talk about..

I'm 30 and about to enter into my second marriage. I have a 6 year old from my first marriage. The economy seems so tough right now, I'm factoring finances into my decision to have more children or not. I'm financially stable, and so is my soon to be dh. Heres whats running through my mind.

a) is it fair to my first child
b) what if the child has needs outside of the norm
c) what if i or dh lose our jobs/s.

I was wondering how heavily finances should weigh in on the decision to have /have more children... IYO ?

Its pretty near the bottom of my list.

Is it fair to my first child? not sure what you mean. I love my first, 2nd and my niece (whom we're raising since her parents died). There are times where one kid needs more of my attention but I'm not sure what you mean by fair.

If you lose our job do you stop loving your first kid.

I've never regretted any of my kids. I've been ridiculously poor and my kids have been just as happy.

I would have more kids if I could love them. sure there are basic staples that all kids need but you said you're financially stable.

 

[ancestry]

I would also recommend that you remain flexible. People change and their desires change. Just because you might decide to not have kids now doesn't mean you will still be saying no 2, 3, or 5 years from now.

One of the reasons that DH and I got together in our early 30s was that neither of us wanted to have any more children. At the time DH was having trouble finding a woman who didn't want to have more kids. He was so happy when he found me because we were on the same page. We both were previously married. I had two kids from my first marriage and he had one. At the time of us dating we both strongly had no desire to ever have any more children.

After being married for about 2 years we both started having the desire to have another child. Unfortunately we were afraid to say anything to each other because we kept thinking the other person didn't want any more kids -- afraid to speak up worrying that the other person would feel as though we lied to or mislead them. Finally after we both started to build up some resentment we became honest with each other and were surprised to discover that the other person was feeling the same way.

Well we decide to have ONE child together and that was it. Apparently mother nature had a different plan.

We now have two kids together -- twins.

 

[mrsklamc]

Well we decide to have ONE child together and that was it. Apparently mother nature had a different plan.

We now have two kids together -- twins.

Same thing happened to my sister! They wanted ONE together, the one was twins, and then she got pregnant again while on the pill. So their one is 3. But we wouldn't trade 'em for the world.

 

[punkin]

I'd say wait a couple of years, when your 6 yr old becomes more independent in his daily life, and more activities. That way he doesn't feel like his mommy time is being taken away from him.

It sounds more like you want another child, but just not at this moment in time, and so you're trying to justify the reason for holding off. Especially since your new DH wants to have his own children. I also don't think that you need any other reasons for holding off, just that it's not the right time for the two of you.

My sister was almost 9 when I was born and she still thought that I took her mommy away from her. It didn't matter in the long run though. She was my best friend and loved me. I would definitely have another child in the OP's situation.

 

[SandrA9810]

At that age there just seems like a lot of firsts, like school, activities, best friends (not playdates), and the ability to be more independent, with a bit less constant supervision.

It just seems like the OP wants an outside uncontrollable factor/fear to put it off.

Just don't make age a cut off factor, if you take care of yourself now and in the long run, you'll have no problems keeping up with your kids. Plus you'll probably have more patience... There's several stories of empty nesters raising foster/adopted kids in their 50-60's, just because they still had unconditional love to give.

 

[holden]

I say just listen to your heart (and your DH's). Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.