Have you ever stopped your child from being friends with someone?

[Mandychelle79]

I was the child whose parents did the " I forbid you from being friends with so and so" do to decisions we had made about where our friendship was going. All that their action did was make it more excited to see the said person and I did a lot more than I would have because it was a " How dare you to tell me who to be friends with". After I turned 18 my parents couldnt do anything about it and im still friends with him. Heck my husband will ask him to bring me home if we are all out together and hubby wants to get home. My mom has since admitted she probably should not have made us stop being friends.

I will never stop my child from being friends with someone, not allow them to go and stay at their house, sure, but to totally forbid it, no way.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I definitely agree, however, it's the girl's dad that is doing drugs, not the friend.

ETA: Sorry SnowWhite, mjkacmom mentioned this and I hadn't read it yet!

Tuffcookie also mentioned it in post #16 which is why I mentioned it.

Mjkacmom, I know she was talking about the father. See Tuffcookie's post above about if a FRIEND of your child were doing it.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Yes but it is not her friend doing it. It is the friend's father. As the mother of a 6 year old I cannot see myself punishing a child fro the actions of their parent by cutting DD as a friend. I definitely would never allow DD to be at their house or ride with htem ect, but any child who can abide by our rules is welcome at my house any time. I think it would be needlessly cruel to cut the child off becuase "we don't associate with THOSE kinds of poeple." I think this situation is a perfect teachable moment about how to treat people. Something about "We don't like what X's fathrer is doing, and think that it is wrong, but that doesn't mean we have to stop caring about X. She probably needs our friendship now more than ever." If the child starts acting or talking inapproistely, then there might be a need to limit contact. To me it is like trowing the baby out with the bathwater to end the friendship.

I KNOW!!! I read the post. I know its the FATHER doing it. I also said that I would let the girl come to my house but DD not go to hers. Then in addition, I also said that if one of DD's good friends were into drugs or alcohol, I would discourage it. Geez. I am not stupid, people. I know what the conversation is about!

 

[Thumbs18]

I am speaking from experience here...when I was about 15 or 16 I had a boyfriend that my mom didn't care for (he was an idiot). She forbid me from seeing him...so I went behind her back and got busted. Finally she just let me date him until I was sick of his kissing up and broke up with him. Not the same thing I know but it shows that kids at ANY age will go behind their parents back when it comes to a friend and being forbidden to see them. Now I have had some questionable friends in my time trust me but after that incident my mom never tried to keep me away from them. She just let me make my own choices on it. If the girl isnt doing anything wrong I don't understand why you should keep your daughter away from her. Iw ould just always want them hanging out at my house if I were you.

 

[bumbershoot]

One of my best friend's parents smoked pot (she told me - never saw it myself). I didn't tell my parents, and never noticed anything out of the ordinary. Actually, I really liked her mom!

If you're 40, maybe we were best friends. My mom quit smoking everything at 35 (when she finally realized that smoking *anything* was a horrible idea for an asthmatic), but before then she was a hippie and had hippie friends and they would all sit around and get goofy.


Now can I imagine doing that around DS? Absolutely not. But then, to me, drugs (like that) are what weird "grownups" do, LOL. [And "harder" drugs are, well, I can't even fathom what goes through a person's mind to take just the first dose of anything beyond that plant...things that can be addictive from the first or second time...just can't comprehend...I had a hard enough time kicking coffee a few months ago!]

However, most of my elementary school friends knew about my mom, and to a person my mom was absolutely the most beloved parent of all of my friends' parents. (because she was just a ridiculously COOL awesome loving wonderful person) We all miss her dreadfully.

BTW, most of the kids I knew in H.S. and college that did drugs had parents who did them as well. I'm not saying that will always be the case, just my experience.

Hmm. Guess I'm the exception. Grew up with a pot-smoking hippie mom and I was born in 1969 in San Francisco, and I was always telling my freshman year of college neighbor to stop playing that stupid Grateful Dead and to shut his window b/c of the smell, some of us are trying to study and stop being like MY PARENT you doof! Oh I was a fun college student...

But for me, and I was just watching a comedian do a bit on this very same thing with the same point of view, watching a parent do something like that really makes the stupidity of it all apparent to you. I dated a string of potheads, and when they'd hang out with their friends and they'd do the voice-change thing as they damaged their lungs, I would usually just have to leave, b/c it was just so "parent-like" and ridiculous.

And none of the people I knew in HS who were on drugs had parents who did them. None of the boyfriends who smoked marijuana had parents who did that; they barely knew what it was they were so naive!

I'm actually thinking of all the other kids of my mom's group...especially the ones with the really flowerchild names...no, I don't think any of them got into the same stuff that our parents all did. I think we all ended up pretty straight-laced, being bored to tears with watching our parents laugh over blades of grass (ha) and whatnot!

We had a simular problem with one of my DD friends in middle school. Her dad was in jail and was about to come home.

This is what we did:

*I told my DD up front that I was concerns...about the Dad being in jail. I think being in jail for years...is a deal breaker.

* MY DH and I never told her they couldn't be friends. But we did everything we could to not let them be to close.

*I never let her spend time with this child outside of school/activites.

*We 'shut down' any communication between the 2 girls...text messaging, IM, cellphone call. They could only call the house phone. If my DD wasn't home I would let the answering machine pick it up.

*I did everything I could to remind her of what a good friend is and if someone was not being a good friend. Maybe she needed to look for a new one. Some one that liked the same things a my DD.

Finally, after about 8 months... my DD had new friend. She doesn't even talk with the old friend at all, not even in school. My DD told me about a year later...on her own...that she was glad she wasn't her friend anymore. That the girl was getting in lots of trouble.

Wait. You made it impossible for the friend to contact your daughter, and then made it out like the friend simply *was not* contacting your daughter, and therefore not being like a friend?????

I can't imagine being that mean to my son. Or to my son's friend. That's just underhanded and sneaky, if I'm reading it right.

And no wonder the girl later was getting into trouble, with friends ditching her *because of something her dad did*. My heart aches for that girl.

If anything, that child probably needs a friend now more than ever. Shame on you for turning your back on a 12 year old who could use a family like yours for guidance.

Yeah, that's pretty much where my feelings are!


If the dad is becoming a bad influence, she needs good influences.

If the mom had a problem with you having a problem because she doesn't see it as a problem, then the girl REALLY needs your help.

(however, if she was confiding in you for *help* and you immediately told her you would be turning your backs on her and her daughter, then, well, might want to go have a convo with her to clarify why she brought it up and why she was upset)

Just have the girl over at your house. Chat with the mom to see how things are. Be there for them, even if you can't be there for the man.

 

[Boxley]

What I don't understand is how was the little girl before the OP had the knowledge about the father's drug use. Was the little girl a supposed "product" of her home or did the OP consider her unsuitable after she found out about the father's drug use?

 

[Acklander]

You've really never heard of someone making meth in the house where they have kids? You've never heard of someone smoking pot with their kids in the house? It DOES happen all the time, its called a drug exposed child and DCS will remove the child from the house over it.

To the poster who said they didn't do drugs because their parents did, thats awesome and I'm happy for you, but the opposite is very common too.

From what the OP said, it sounds like the dad is occasionally getting high with his PT boss, not cooking meth in the house. Actually it sounds like he isn't even doing drugs in the house.

 

[taximomfor4]

I am now more grateful than ever that my friends' parents still let their kids be friends with me. I was a really good kid, in a really crappy situation. My friends' parents were my role models, and probably have no idea how much they taught me...and how I think they literally saved me. Sounds melodramatic, but it's very true.

OP, do what you feel you must. I just want to give the perspective of "one of THOSE kids."

 

[taximomfor4]

i do hope, for the poor daughter's sake, that her father isn't becoming addicted to something like cocaine or meth...i realize this is controversial, but there are certainly levels of drugs and abuse, and i hope that he is on the lesser end of the evils, know what i mean?

good luck, OP.

OMG, I was wondering if anyone else felt thiis way. I don't use any illegal substances at all, but definitely think there's a big difference between marijuana use and crack use.

 

[mjkacmom]

OMG, I was wondering if anyone else felt thiis way. I don't use any illegal substances at all, but definitely think there's a big difference between marijuana use and crack use.

There is a HUGE difference, and my kids know there is a difference (not that I want them to do any drugs). I've told my kids that there are drugs out there, like meth, crack, heroin, that tried once, and an addiction forms. I've known major potheads who just stopped smoking pot, and it's like giving up ice cream after dinner, not major medical withdrawl.

There's a difference between someone who has a glass of wine at dinner on Saturday night, and a raging alcoholic, and I think the same thing happens with drug use (and I'm assuming - my hardest drug is allegra for allergies).

 

[taximomfor4]

There's a difference between someone who has a glass of wine at dinner on Saturday night, and a raging alcoholic, and I think the same thing happens with drug use (and I'm assuming - my hardest drug is allegra for allergies).

LOL. I am just starting zyrtec, since claritin wasn't working for me. Zyrtec makes my head crazily swimmy. Drugs and I (even legal ones) don't mix very well, apparently. Anyway, Might have to look into allegra.