Have You Disowned A Close Family Member? (Inspired by Missypie)

[crazyforgoofy]

Originally posted by Disney Doll
I always have a different take on the "family at all costs" mentality. MY take is that your family is another group of people who deserve your respect when they earn it.

I think that a family, like any other group, is made up of different personalities, some are givers, some are takers, but eventually the givers get sick of the takers and write them off. I don't think being related by blood automatically gives anyone the right to treat anyone else like garbage and get away with it "because we're family". If I wouldn't tolerate from a friend, I won't tolerate it from family either.

I agree completely with every word.

I have stopped speaking and interacting with a family member who does nothing but use other people. He is lazy, self absorbed and a moocher. He didn't help support his children when they were young (he was too depressed) but now (when he doesn't have to worry about child support) wants to be known as a great father! The last straw was a verbal assault on my mother at her weakest moment (her oldest child had just died.) He tries occasionally at family events to speak with me but I won't interact with him. He'd be wise to leave me alone!

 

[goofy4tink]

My brother has pretty much disowned me!!!He has also cut off my father and at times my mother. My mother used to have to force herself upon db and dsil. My mom died and I'm sure db has some guilt. Still to this day do not know what I did to be cut off but have learned to live with it. His loss. My niece will never get to know her wonderful cousin. She has lost a whole side of her family. Go figure.

 

[IamTink]

I wrote off one of my brothers, he's 14 months older than me in 2003. After almost two decades of him letting his wife say horrible things about our family that were not true, AND in our presence. I'd had ENOUGH. This brother & I had been very close as kids and adults also.

My sister was ill & her & I hadn't spoken for 3 years at one time, but she grew up & we've been on good terms since 1990, but became very close when she was gravely ill in 2003.

It was when I asked the family to come together to assist my sister & her two young kids, 13 & 11 now that everything came to a head. My brothers wife again had nothing but horrible things to say about her. I was done. Let them no in no uncertain terms & never looked back. It's the best thing I ever did.

Our family spent so much time trying to get them involved w/our lives when in fact she/he never wanted to be. So, now it simply isn't an issue. I don't think I would have done this before my parents died because they always hoped he would come back & want to be w/his family. He doesn't work secondary to being very wealthy after his FIL died. His MIL is still alive. While my father lived in the Housing For The Elderly after my mother passed & was 2 miles down the road from this brother, he visited 3 times in 3.5 years! They were always sooo busy.

I've never looked back at that decision as it was best for all concerned.

I also have no contact w/my oldest son secondary to DIL issues & I cannot change that. He chose to not have a "Mother Of The Groom" dance at his wedding. What better way to show your mother & all concerned that you don't care for your mother. I was hurt beyond belief. I still didn't give up on him though. I'm also not a nosy, bossy mother or MIL. I don't butt into their business. My parents never did & I think that's good. Couples need to be couples on their own. If they want your opinion they'll ask for it. I don't know if I'd ever give it though, even if asked.

When my only grandson was born 3 years ago in August, my son told me about a week before his birth, that he & his wife didn't want me or my husband at the hospital or their home. I was shocked & it took my breath away. He's hurtful beyond belief. Alot like his father, whom I divorced for that very reason. It was at that time that I chose to no longer have contact w/him. If I run into him, I'll speak w/him, but I don't see any reason why I should put myself in a place to be someone's emotional punching bag. It's odd, because I have two sons. The oldest one I've been referring to is 29 & the youngest is 27. The older one moved in w/his father at age 12 when his father put tons of pressure on him to do so. Their father also put the same pressure on my younger son, but he didn't buy all the things the ex was saying about me.

My younger son & I are very close. I'm close w/his wife also. They plan on having children & I also wonder what my 3 year grandson is going to think when he's old enough to find out that his first cousins have this fantastic grandmother & grandfather out in California. Last Christmas my son & DIL chose to send my grandsons' Christmas gifts back to us. They've accepted gifts for various occasions in years past & sent pictures of DGS playing with them. Not any longer apparently. I haven't bothered sending any further gifts since then. I do know that my oldest son is in couseling & on medication. His wife made him go or he wouldn't be able to live w/his wife. I hope someday that he's a happy man. He'll be a better husband & father if he's happy.

 

[Jeanny]

wow and I thought I was the only one with a disfunctional family. Now I don't feel so bad. Thanks everyone for making me realized that it's not just me.

 

[missypie]

I had a co-worker (who came from an abusive family) who used to say - with a twinkle in his eye - "I used to spend holidays with my family. Now I spend them with my loved ones."

Interesting side note: He was quite estranged from his parents (due to their abusive behavior). He died very unexpectedly of sleep apnea at the age of 42. At his memorial service I found out that he had gone to visit his parents for the first time in years about a week before his death! It's as if he knew, on some level, that it was time to reconcile.

 

[Val]

My mother had bipolar disorder and my father was a PhD level drug addict/drunk....neither could care for any of their children. My dear grandparents (my mom's parents) took us in....my mom and dad both continued having children with various partners, etc., and dropped them off at the grandparents-all 10 of us (different mother/father combos; I have one full blood brother and 1 full blood sister). My grandparents faithfully raised us ALL except my youngest sister, who they raised the first 9 years, then she went with my mom. My mom poisoned her with lies about how us kids chose to leave her (we were all under 10 when abandoned) and how our grandparents kidnapped my little sis to keep her away- and my mom had to "steal" her back. Reality was my mom violated a court order to take her, but my grandparents gave in......My mom never saw ANY of her grandchildren except my sis's first child. Turned her back on all the others. My dad was "around" but developed Korsakoff's disorder (like alzheimers, only due to drinking/drugs), so he wasn't really a good Grandpa. They both died about 10 years ago- my dad of an accidental drug overdose and my mom committed suicide. My dad left his estate equally divided among all his children. My mom left ALL her money to my little sis, and gave the other 9 kids a silver dollar. Her note explained that we were evil children, that this was all we deserved and that God would help us understand. Needless to say, we were all angry. We know my little sis inherited close to a million dollars....good news is, we are all finally growing closer to little sis- it's not her fault. Maybe she deserved the money for having to live with my mom for all those years while we at least had sane parents!!!

....I consider my parents to be my grandparents. We lost my grandad in 1993 and I still miss him dearly. Grandma is 85 now, and her heart is failing but her mind is strong! She is my role model. My children all carry parts of their grandparents names as a small tribute to the people who so caringly raised us when our parents wouldn't.

 

[doxdogy]

I haven't spoken to my sister in months. Last time I saw her was last October, when she came up to visit my dad. To be honest, I hope I don't see her again. She put my parents through a really rough time. Has decided that all of her problems are the fault of my parents and not hers. She actually attacked my parents about 10 years ago (on my birthday). The only time she calls my dad is when she needs money. He has basically told her that when he is gone, she better figure out what she wants to do. Because that I nor my brother will give her money like my dad.

 

[*Flower*]

I've been disowned...........

My younger sister is a born-again Christian, and is very involved with her church. Our relationship used to be good, but a few years ago we were talking on the phone, and when she asked what was going on in my life- I told her.

At which point she said that she was looking for a more meaningful sisterly relationship based on the Father. And I was only willing to share in a superficial way. So to 'stay focused' in her life- she couldn't interact with me any more. We haven't spoken since.

I still love her as a sister, and her daughter and her sent me a graduation announcement last month. So I actually have an up to date picture of my niece. We sent her a congratulatory card.

And I haven't heard anything since. Of course she'd always said that we were brought up in a dysfunctional family.........

 

[Robinrs]

This is so sad.

I've disliked or was disgusted with but would never disown a family member. Life is too short and Lord knows I need my blessings.

God bless you all.

Robinrs

 

[sk!mom]

This makes me feel better, but in a very sad way.

I'm in the process now of breaking ties with a sibling. I informed my parents this week that I will no longer attend gatherings that this sister attends, etc... It's been a life time of abuse from her and we've all looked the other way for the last 25 years because "she's family." She has recently gone too far and I have a young daughter who I will not have around her drama (drug use, showing up drunk and then being very disruptive as a result, neglecting her own children in favor of drugs, etc...) I would forgive her in a minute though if she ever decides to get her life back on track.

For me it's less about disowning and more about peace. My DH and I have always had a very peaceful relationship and home and that's the way we like it. As we have gotten older, we are unwilling to put up with the constant drama of some family members on both sides. We just aren't really in touch with some because they just can't wait to suck you in to their drama. We both come from disfunctional families and have worked hard for 24 years to establish a functional one.

 

[kejoda]

Originally posted by Robinrs
This is so sad.

I've disliked or was disgusted with but would never disown a family member. Life is too short and Lord knows I need my blessings.

God bless you all.

Robinrs

Your right Robin this is sad and life is too short. Thats why I chose not to deal with my sister anymore. How would you feel about someone not wanting to get to know Micheal just because they now have grandchildren. My sisters choose to reject my son, I choose not to let my children get hurt.

 

[MelessaG]

Originally posted by sk!mom
For me it's less about disowning and more about peace.

I absolutely agree. This is why DH and I severed ties with his Dad for awhile. He chose to completely ignore us and focus on his new wife and her grandkids after he remarried. We got so tired of him not showing up for birthdays and holidays (he lives a 7 min. drive from us) and so tired of his new wife's cattiness on the rare occasion we were invited over that we simply said "no more" and "call us when you want to be a family again." It took several months, but he gave in when he saw we meant it and has really come around since then. I think the fact that DH's mother died suddenly not long after DD#1 was born and seeing his children and grandchildren was hard for him when he remarried. Either way, things are much better now. I never thought I would be the type to 'disown' family, but it ultimately made things much better.

 

[scrappnmom]

I stopped talking to my brother for a year and because of my mom wanting to get together I called him. HOWEVER I am ready to disown him again this time indefinately. He and his wife think that everyone is below them. SIL is so in competion w/anything that i have...when i bought a used home she turned around and bought a new home but said to my brother (in front of me) "this is why we are buying a new home" then one day while visiting she said to me "wait till you see our closet, it's bigger than your sons room" i'm talking RUDE!!! My brother calls my mom only when he needs something. I finally told him i don't care if he keeps in touch with me but that he needs to call mom. (or dad died 8 yrs ago). everytime my mom calls him she told that he is just been soooo busy. oh, and another, the only time my sil talks to my mom is when she wants her to babysit.
that's part of my story...

 

[FroggyinArk]

several members of dw's family are on our disowned list, including her mother, her brother, his gf, 4 of her uncles, most of her cousins and especially the distant cousin that was the drunk driver that hit me and messed upo my face. We have very good reasons to not speak to dw's family, and its way too long and is not really a dis story..lol.. would rather think those ppl werent even mentionable here

 

[mrsheppo]

My sister and I no longer speak. Several years ago, she called to tell me she was pregnant. I thought something was fishy about this since she had her tubes tied several years before. It turns out the baby was actually her daughter's baby and the father of the child was my sister's husband. Just a little over a year later, baby #2 came along. Same situation again. My sister allowed my niece and her husband to continue messing around until niece became pregnant with #3. She then finally decided to divorce him. My niece then married her stepfather. All this happened before my niece turned 20.

I couldn't believe she allowed him to fool around with her own daughter. If it had been my husband, I would have probably castrated him and then brought him up on child abuse charges as she was 15 when the first baby was born.

My kids also never speak to their real father. He cheated on me in front of them and beat the holy heck out of me also. He lives less than a mile from us and they haven't seen him in a few years other than accidentally running in to him.

 

[aesalsa]

It's all so sad. . .My DH disowned his mom about 4 years ago. She was mentally and physically abusive when he was in his early teens.. There was a point where they got along alright. . .we'd eat over there about once a week. Then one day she went off the deep end and started saying the most horrible things to him, just out of the blue.

I basically disowned my mom, too. She's emotionally and psychologically VERY abusive. She uses people and throws them away like trash, including her own kids. We were used as pawns for so many of her schemes against my dad. She's also an alcoholic. My younger sister tried to get her to admit that and to also admit that she has mental problems so she can try to become "normal". She's only gotten worse over the years. The best thing we did was to stay as far away from her as possible. Unfortunately, we have two younger half siblings that live with her, so we must maintain some sort of congeniality with her so that we can spend time with them. Last year, my little brother and sister were living with DH and me for about 4 months. . .Child Protection Services called me up and asked if I could take care of them since my mom was being investigated. That group should be called Child Dis-services because they did a sloppy investigation and let my mom have my brother and sister again. Here in Louisiana, they don't do anything until you hear about dead children on the news, and you hear neighbors saying that they've called to report abuse but nothing came of their concerns and calls.
Sorry to rant. . .

 

[IamTink]

Someone mentioned that it's so sad & life is so short & people should make nice. But, I don't think that person realizes how much abuse we take before we have to take that road that removes negative, destructive people from our lives so that we may be able to live a happy life. Nobody should stay in an abusive relationship. You unfortunately have to sometimes train people how to treat you. If you continually let it go on or repeat itself, then they will continue to abuse.

For me, life is much easier w/o abusive people in it & it's because life is to short to spend it w/people that are abusive.

I didn't speak to my only sister once for 3 years. When we started speaking I was very cautious for many years. We're so close now, closer than we have ever been in our lives.

If my oldest son ever chooses to change his ways, I would be open to him. But, I will never allow him to ever treat me badly again, ever.

 

[totalia]

No. There is very little any of them could do that would make me disown them.

Killing someone, rape, drug dealing.. thats about it.

I love my family too much and know that their lives are too precious to ever do such a thing.

 

[Kristi1357]

This thread is sad, but comforting to know many of us are in the same boat.

My family does not speak to my uncle (Dad's half-brother) for many reasons. By the time I was 9, he was on wife #3. I know her beat her. Basically, he would seek out lonely single women who were more vulnerable and had at least some money in the bank. He would marry them, drain their money (fancy cars & houses), cheat, then leave when they are on the verge of bankruptcy. He had a son with wife #3, my only cousin. He was always in court for child support issues. He's been married since, but I am unsure of exactly how many times. I watched as he tried to run my Dad over with his truck when my Dad comfronted him on cheating on his wife. That was the last straw for my Dad, finally!

I remember once answering the phone while in high school. It was a lawyer trying to find him. We used to get these kind of calls all the time, and still do occasionally. BUT, this time the person was trying to find out when my grandparents died. HUH? I talk to them weekly since they lived in Canada and they were very much alive. Apparently my darling uncle told them he had to miss his court appearance since his parents were killed in a car wreck in Canada! That to me is the lowest of low.

He used to have fun walking by me in my job at the mall when I was younger. When I wasn't looking his way, he'd get a kick out of saying hi to me, and me responding before I looked up and saw who it was. Nice guy. He also tried hitting on his cousin's underage daughter. YUK!

There are so many stories about him, I could go on and on...

My Dad did seek him out and told him when their mother had died. And Dad still bumps into him now and then. My uncle mentioned during their last run in that he had seen me at the airport with DH. Freaked me out - I was preggo at the time and I don't want him to know a single thing about me now!

Oh yeah - he even changed his last name legally now. He told my Dad it was because of all the bad things he's done and now he's a good person. Sure...it's because he doesn't want to be caught for things he's done!

I see my cousin once in awhile in a store or something. But he doesn't know me. He was small when they divorced and we lost touch since it was probably so painful for his Mom. He's my only cousin too, so that is pretty sad. I just hope & pray he's not like his Dad, and takes after his Mom.

 

[Kristi1357]

Originally posted by totalia
No. There is very little any of them could do that would make me disown them.

Killing someone, rape, drug dealing.. thats about it.

I love my family too much and know that their lives are too precious to ever do such a thing.

I just had to quote this post since I know a family with 2 of those things!

My ex-Dh had 6 boys in his family. NOTHING they ever did made the parents not go overboard to help them, pay their way, etc. All the boys were bad: drugs, alcohol, abusive, cheating, etc. Mine ex was supposedly the "good" one of the bunch... Notice he's my ex.

Anyway, one of the sons murdered his friend as ex and I were divorcing. He was found not guilty, unfortunately. His own mother told me she thought he did it. They paid for his lawyer and defended him to the hilt to anyone else though.

A couple years later, another brother raped his ex-girlfriend since she wouldn't take him back. Again, they got him a lawyer, fought tooth and nail, but he ended up pleading guilty and served only 8 months. Now everyone in the family says he was innocent and that his ex-gf made it up. Well, she and I are still friends to this day, and I know she wasn't lying.

There is a point when helping your kids becomes a crime of sorts. They still support all the boys, even though they are all grown and are procreating all over the place! This allows them to continue the cycle of abuse and never stop. There are no ramifications. This is one instance where I think they need to disown these evil kids. It may be the only way for them to ever turn their lives around.