Has anyone ever "written off" a parent?

[MosMom]

I haven't spoken to my mother in about a month since she disowned me for the 7th time. I've never felt better since she has been gone and I'm considering never welcoming her back into my life. Without making this too long or dramatic, my mom is an alcoholic and has been my entire life. She has drifted in and out of sobriety but I'm getting to the point where I can't take it anymore and I don't want my kids subjected to her. My daughter adores her and wonders why Nana isn't around for periods of time (during binges or when she is mad at me). She was always abusive as a child and I had forgiven her for that. She has always been verbally abusive and continues that. When she is sober, I'm the best mom in the world and a wonderful woman. When she is drinking, I'm things I wouldn't repeat here or the mods would have to delete the post. I also found out that she has been drinking for longer than she has admitted and watched my children when I thought she was in recovery.

I guess I'm tired of phone calls at 3am where she is either screaming at me or crying about some tragedy in her life (which is usually brought upon herself). When I was a child she would constantly threaten to kill herself so I have this fear everyday I will get a call that she has either killed herself or someone else in a car accident while drinking.

I really think she has problems that go beyond drinking and perhaps she is manic depressive. When I watched that ER episode with Abby and her mom (Sally Field) it hit a little too close to home. Whenever I suggest this, she will hear nothing of it.

I just wondered if anyone here has cut ties with a parent. Was it hard? How did you go about it? Did you have children who missed their grandparent? Do you miss your parent? Do you feel like you have abandoned them? I've been saying for years I would never speak to her again, yet I keep doing it. Now that Moira is older, I really don't want her to see her grandmother treating her mother like dirt. I'm trying to break a cycle of abuse and I fear that is impossible with my mother in my life.

Sorry this is such a downer (and a little embarrassing) but my friends all come from relatively stable homes and don't really understand. Thanks for listening.

Bridget

 

[browneyes]

I speak to my dad if spoken to, or if he answers the phone. He was an alcoholic, too. He doesn't remember much about the first 22 years of my life. He was too drunk then, and after his 3rd stroke, he's forgotten a lot too. It's hard for me to forget that he tried to kill me a couple of times. I'm funny that way.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your mom. {{hugs}}

 

[Beauty]

Yes my DH has written off both of his parents. His mother and his step-father. To say he was abused as a child is a very mild way of putting it. Not only did his mother spend countless days in and out of jail but she would leave John and his little brother with no supervision, food, anything. When she found out about the abuse going on she turned her back and stayed with their step father and is still with him to this day.

Luckily my mother and John get along wonderfully, heck at times I think my mom loves John more than she loves me...LOL! Since we have bought this house together John says he feels like for the first time in his entire life that he actually has a family that loves him unconditionally. He helped my mom cook Christmas dinner and had the time of his life. It is the best thing that has ever happened that John-Cole does not have to be subjected to the type of people that John's mother and step-father are.

 

[Cindy B]

Wow, what courage and strength you have just for even writing this.


As for your mom, I am truly sorry that you have to go through this. This story hits home for me as well, and you ARE NOT ALONE!


Its hard to explain or describe the challenges that others don't see.

As for my parents, I don't see them often. Yes, we are only about 20 minutes away, but they seem extrodinarily busy. (maybe its a way to fend off the obvious!)

Anyway, take care, and just do your best with what you know. As for the support, I know there are support groups out there and available.

 

[December99]

I have been going through it as a "PERSON IN THE MIDDLE" which I have tried not to be. My brother and my father got into a horrible argument over 10 years ago on New Years Eve and even though my dad has tried to mend things - my brother wants nothing to do with him and thus I have become the person in the middle - my dad will ask how my brother is, what he is doing, if he has done this or that - as does the rest of the family. I'm nearing my ending point with it all though and am starting to be ready to say - listen, if you want to know then you make contact with him. It's just getting to be too much in my life and I have my own problems that I need to concentrate on.

 

[FOJMO]

I didn't exactly "write her off", but about 2 years ago, I sent her a very long email (couldn't bring myself to get the words out in person or on the phone), telling her exactly how I felt and what I was going to not accept any longer from her.

My mother has always been and always will be self-centered. She only thinks of #1 (her) and if it looks like she's attempting to reach out to others, it's only with the expectation of what's in it for her. Everything everyone does is never to her liking; she puts down everything you tell her; she has no kind words for anyone; she's constantly complaining; her emails to me were constantly putting me in tears.

I finally had enough, and told her just how I felt about her and her negativity. It was a long time after a composed the email before I could press the "send" button. But ever since I did it, she has made a complete turnaround and never lets an email go by without saying "love" or some sort of praise for something in our lives.

However, I wouldn't say she's really changed, as my sister can attest. She still treats her like crap. Seems like she just let up on me and actually talks badly about me and my family to my sister. So, where I came out of it better off (sort of), my sister has it worse now.

I can't blame you for wanting to write your mother off -- sounds like you've had enough. I don't know how old your DD is, but she must know something of the situation. I know they say your mother is your mother, but sometimes that saying wears a little thin, especially when its the kind of mother yours sounds like.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Before you make any decision you may regret, I would suggest going to an Al-Anon meeting if you have never been before. I'll be the first to say it's not for everyone. But you can take what you like and leave the rest. There is no reason to have someone in your life who causes you so much pain (whether it's your mother or someone else). However maybe if you worked on some boundaries that could take care of some of the problems as well. It's not an easy decision and one I know you aren't taking lightly. And MosMom you'd be surprised how many people actually do understand what you are going through (and stable looking homes aren't always so stable).

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[4greatboys]

Both of my parents are deceased but I havent been talking to my maternal grandmother. Ever since my mom died 3 years back she has changed much for the worse. It was difficult for everyone--not just her but she doesnt seem to see that. She was sick for several months last year--stayed in our house for most of the time. Then she turns around and says I have dont nothing for her. When she stayed at our house I had 3 kiddo's to look after, 14 yrs, 11 yrs and 2 yrs, plus I was pg and morning sickness all day for almost my entire pregnancy. I did the best I could for her but that seems it was not enough. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and go--sad as it seems.

 

[Curly Q]

I understand what you are feeling. I am sorry. My father is an alcoholic. Right now he is sober, but I don't know for how long he will stay that way. I don't have any children to worry about. I don't call him or seek him out, but if I have to I will talk to him. I don't want to, but I was just too chicken to say "Hey I don't like the kind of person you are" "Please don't call me anymore". I remember the phone calls sobbing, for a problem he created, needing money, depressed, dying. (one night he called me to say he was dying, he knew he would not make through the next couple days).

FOJMO

My mother has always been and always will be self-centered. She only thinks of #1 (her) and if it looks like she's attempting to reach out to others, it's only with the expectation of what's in it for her.

This is exactly my dad.

Bridget-if someone is abusing you get them out of your life. You DON"T owe her anything just because she is your mother. If my father was flat out abusive and offensive (and not just an inconvience and annoying) I (or my DBF) would not hesitate to boot him out of my life. You deserve more than that.

 

[airhead]

I haven't had a relationship with either parent for about 26 years.
Pretty sad if you ask me. All because my mother "didn't approve
of how I lived and who I lived with. (She once told my sisterinlaw
it would've been easier for her to deal with if I was a murderer!)
Over the years I have tried(even other family members have talked to her)to fix our relationship,but she would't have it. She insists that its my choice and that I would always be welcomed to her home as long as I didn't mention my partner's( for 28 years!)name,or try to include my partner in any family gatherings.
I told her my choice was to be happy,so goodbye!!
I made the right choice for me.

good luck,
airhead

 

[snoopy]

What sad stories.

Blessings to all of you having to make such a tough decision.

 

[tc]

I have not spoken to my father since the summer of 1990. He divorced my mother when I was 10, and never really worked at a relationship. I wrote him letters as a child and in jr. high and high school, but was mostly ignored. I sent him my graduation announcement and wedding invitation. I called him when Sarah was born, and when I got home from the hospital I got a scathing letter from him stating what "brazen audacity" I had for trying to include him in my life all these years after "practically ignoring him". I'm assuming his wife (she really never liked me) intercepted all my correspondence. I was hurt, and stopped trying after that. That was February 1981. I found out he moved to Sante Fe and I was attending a church camp just north of there the summer of 1989. I thought I'd try again. We met at a little restaurant and talked. It went well. I thought things were going to be good. He and his wife stopped at our house sometime in the late Spring of 1990 on their way to Wyoming and met my husband and daughters. The girls loved them (they were 7 and 9). My father can be very captivating if he wants. In July that same year, there was an all school reunion at a school I attended in Meeteete WY. He also attended there, as well as my mom. My mom and step-dad (he's who I consider my dad) were planning to attend (they were living in Illinois at the time), so Stephen and I went also. We had a great time, but my father was terribly rude. My girls were so excited to see him. They ran up to him when they saw him at a reception, and he turned his back on them. They were crushed, to say the least. They came back crying, and asking what they did wrong. My step-mom, later that weekend, was nice to them, but my father continued to ignore the. Stephen and I made a decision that weekend. We would no longer try to mend this relationship. You can hurt me all you want, but hurt my kids and I will put a stop to it. They love my step-dad just like a Papa and aren't missing anything except heartache by not knowing my father. I have forgiven him for not being the father I thought he should be, but that doesn't mean I have to continue to expose myself to his hurtful nature.

 

[Mskanga]

I didn't write them off , my father's relatives ( mother, sisters and nephews/nieces ) wrote me and my sister off because my mother re-married sometime after my father passed away. What they don't realize is that my mother was the only one to take care of him for 13 years by herself, they didn't bother to help and much less to help out financially to pay for medical bills when they were perfectly able to do so, they never visited him either. My mother took care of my father while he was sick , suported the family , raised my sister and I with some help from my maternal family only.
I can tell you one thing, my life has been much better without those people in my life , the older people died all alone , a couple of my cousins talk to me if I see them in the street but the rest of them I have not seen them or heard from them in 25 years.
That's ok, my maternal family makes up for them 100 times more!

 

[pegasusEH]

My situation is very similar to Bridget's. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother since my son was six months old - almost 9 years ago now. My brothers have had no contact for a lot longer than that.

My mother too is an alcoholic and my older brother suffered a lot of physical abuse when we were growing up.

My mother made it extremely clear that she wanted no contact with either me or my brothers, when my parents divorced about 11 years ago.

I met my mother about 2 years later with my son, he was 6 months old, her grandson. I will never forget the way she picked him up at arms length like he was something dirty (he was always very clean).

Even my gran has no contact with my mother now but she tried very hard to help her. My mother had a good job and her own house. She lost everything through drink.

Stories like these are very common place. I have a friend at work who is going through a similar thing at the moment.

I have to admit that I am very happy not having any contact with my mother. My mother made the decision not to have contact with me so she made it very easy for me in a way.

 

[wheeler1]

i can offer my experience as the grandchild in a very similar scenerio as the other posters. my grandparents were both alcoholics and my grandfather especially would become very ugly, in many many ways. i dont remember him at all really, my mother explained to me years ago that there was an incident involving my grandparents when i was around 5 and my parents made the decision to restrict visits with me to my parents house and they had to be sober. well, they never came and one day when i was around 18 my grandfather was dying and my grandmother wanted to see me. so off i went to meet them, but i'll tell you, they were total strangers to me... now that i am an adult, my mother has told me thruth about that fateful day and she truly did the only thing she could. and quite frankly, imho, they were lucky to be given the chance to see me at all. alcoholism is a terrible terrible disease and hard for loved ones to understand, but it also can permantly harm a child in many many ways. and, i might add, it doesnt matter how old the "child" is. although i think cutting all ties is very drastic, sometimes it really is the only thing one can do.

 

[travelbug24]

I'm on the other side of the coin. My stepson (29 years old) has written off my dh, me, his mom and his stepdad.

All attempts to contact him have been futile. We all wish to have a relationship with him.