GRRR! So aggravated at my sister! Very long.

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

My sister is about to have some big problems. A little background:
She is 25. She is one of the most irresponsible people I have ever seen. She makes one bad decision after another, yet she is always the victim. She is in massive debt. She got married last summer because she was pregnant. When the baby was born she and her loser-boy husband had an apartment, but they have been living with her in-laws for the past 8 months. She started racking up debt right out of high school. Our father bought her a car. It wasn't good enough, so she traded it for a Mustang. She got tired of the Mustang long before it was paid for and traded it for an Eclipse. That car got repossessed. So she bought a brand new Honda Civic. But it only had 2 doors so she HAD to trade it for a new Nissan, even though the Honda was only about a year old. She can't be expected to put a baby in and out of a TWO DOOR car! Yes, her car payments must be sky high. How she figures this is someone else's fault is beyond me. At one point Father took out a consolidation loan for her, but she immediately ran all the credit cards up again. I am sure this is also not her fault. It's also not her fault that she wasted multiple semesters of tuition because she didn't bother to attend class or drop early enough for a refund. It wasn't her money, so why should she care?

I am estranged from our father. He divorced our mother after 30 something years of marriage. She never worked and she only has a GED because he never wanted her to go to school. Now she is responsible for our 14 year old sister and the only money she gets from him is a pittance of child support. Our father is terminally ill and will be transferred to hospice on Tuesday. My irresponsible sister has Power Of Attorney, and BOY! does she have plans for everything she has access to! She has decided that she deserves to take whatever she wants, to hell with our mother and our other sister. So I called her today and we had a little chat.

She thinks since she is "dealing with everything" that she is entitled to whatever. She has added her name to his checking account and transferred his IRA into the account. She is planning to have his car title transferred into her name, then she won't have a car payment anymore because his car will be paid in full when he dies. Meanwhile the life insurance policy that is supposed to go to our youngest sister is less than half the amount that was guaranteed in the divorce decree, and the policy can't be changed now that death is imminent. Our mother is a SAINT. If there is any money at all then it is rightfully HERS for "dealing with everything" for nearly 4 decades. So I told my sister I am going to sue her and she can explain her actions to the court. I probably won't, but I figured she could use a reality check. She decided to scream at me because I have refused to get involved, then she hung up on me. Nobody put a gun to her head and MADE her agree to be Power of Attorney, and certainly nobody made her mismanage funds. She saw what she thought was a golden opportunity to get free money, and now it is coming back to bite her. I have refused to get involved because I knew it was going to be a royal disaster.

Realistically there won't be any remaining assets because there is so much debt. My sister put Father in a private hospital because she "didn't like" the VA. He has no insurance and she never filled out the applications for Medicaid or SSDI. I imagine there are tax implications since she has moved money around, and I imagine she had to give the bank her SS#. I don't even know where the money to bury him will come from if she blows through all the money in his bank account. I doubt any of the creditors can hold her liable for the debts since she has no assets herself, but they will probably try. I specifically told her she needed to keep ALL of the finances completely separate but NO! she did it her way. She hasn't bothered to ask an attorney about any of this, so I am sure it is far more complicated than I realize. She is so eager to make sure Mother gets nothing it just really makes me mad. Families never cease to amaze me. And not in a good way, either.

 

[agnes!]

I haven't been in exactly your situation, but you have my sympathy. Imminent death and estates sometimes bring out the absolute worst in people.

Just remember, it isn't actually money that is the root of all evil...The LOVE of money is the root of all evil.

I would think that your younger sister's rights need to be protected. The 25 year old has no legal right to an asset(the life insurance) that was part of a divorce decree. I wonder if the life insurance is not the amount it is legally supposed to be...can your younger sister go after any remaining assets, even before your dad's death? Isn't she a lien-holder of some type, just the same as if she were a business?
Actually, you & your mom, representing your interests & the 14 year olds as well, need to talk to a really good family law attorney and make sure the 14 year old's rights are protected.

P&PD! I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I bet when sis & her boytoy hit the skids that she'll try to wheedle her way into your life (and your pocketbook).

I've said it before and I'll say it again...some people are just plain toxic.

agnes!

 

[Poohnatic]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

My mom passed away back in October. I had to hear of my eldest sister telling everyone how she should get my mom's house because the previous house was 'her legacy'-not true. How she was getting all the Rockwells, the Hummels, etc.

I had to tell her off pacing outside the hospital while my mom drifted in and out. I also had to blow up at my brother about his self absorbed 'poor me' behavior. My stepdad was treated as a nonentity by him, even though step dad was with my mom for thirty years.

Not fun. My family takes the fun out of disfunctional. Sounds like your sister does the same.

Hang in there.

Suzanne

 

[mrsv98]

Last summer I worked for a probate attorney and you would not believe what people are willing to do to each other when there is a will/estate is involved. Hang in there, and if it is worth it to you, contact a probate attorney for some advice. Families can be fun!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Oh, I know she can't get the life insurance. The life insurance was a stipulation that was supposed to guarantee no less than $XX would go in an account for the 14 year old. But when Mother called the insurance company to inquire she was informed that the policy is half what it should be. I guess Father figured nobody would know until it was too late to do anything. He was right.

The money that is currently accessible in addition to material possessions all seem to be finding their way into my sister's hands. She has told my mother several times that she isn't allowed to take things (some furniture, etc.) from Father's apartment that HE took from Mother when he left her! I stepped in there and told my sister that Mother can have anything she wants from that apartment. Sister backed down. Since there is no will I am legally entitled to one third of the assets. Sister likes to forget that, but I keep reminding her.

I don't think she will ever come to me looking for money. Her in-laws seem more than happy to bankroll her activities, so more power to them.

 

[mrsv98]

If he is intestate, then you can petition to be the administrator and then deal with things the way they should be. Also, your lil sis would have to make an accounting of what she "disbursed".

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

He is intestate. I need to call an attorney on Tuesday. My attorney doesn't specialize in family law or probate or any of that, but someone in her firm probably does. I called her about "next of kin" as it applies to disposition of remains and she was able to research it for me, but this is out of her arena.

Mother just called (scared me half out of my skin) to say Father's blood pressure has dropped so she and my youngest sister are on their way to the hospital. Great. I may need to do more than CALL an attorney on Tuesday - I may need to RETAIN one.

 

[LadyZolt]

Absolutely call a lawyer. With a "power of attorney" comes a little thing called "fiduciary responsibility." Your sister appears to be violating it big time. She's only allowed to use finances in the best interest of your father, and she cannot just change things into her own name, etc. A lawyer will be able to give you the nitty gritty of everything and you may even have a case to take her to court to have that POA revoked and have another, more responsible person placed in the position to care for your father, his finances, and his estate.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Mother happened to mention that the notary did not witness Father signing the POA documents. Sister took the documents (already signed) and had some friend notarize them. But Mother doesn't want Sister to get in trouble. Well, seems to me that Sister is ALREADY in trouble. Funny you should mention "fiduciary responsibility" because that is precisely what my attorney said when I mentioned one of Sister's other recent schemes. My attorney is the one who told me I can sue Sister. DH thinks we should get a subpoena for all of the bank records, but I don't want to pay a ton of attorney fees to prove Sister has taken money - we KNOW she has taken money. And when the creditors start forming a line I don't know who gets to go first. Hospital? Credit cards? Mother for the remainder of the insurance money that he cheated her out of? Who knows. Mother doesn't want to fight about it. She figures Sister can take it all. But Mother is not good at sticking up for herself. I think Mother needs an advocate. Hello, my name is Advocate.

 

[miss missy]

Sorry! You are not alone! My Grandmother's son, my uncle(the baby), had her take out a mortgage while see was senile. 85 and that house paid off after original note! His lawyer was a slime cuz he was in on it. He did it and no one knew until it was too late. She never knew why she was getting a bill(mortgage) and was sooo confused! He also took some SS checks from her. He blew through the 150,000.00+ and his sibs took him to court... long short- they got a settlement but only after big lawyer fees and 3 years of crap! She died about a year after and he cleaned out her house too. I do not know how he sleeps at night!!!! She spoiled him and he just is a mess! He has been on SS disabliity for 10 years and he is only 44!!! He is sooo bad!

She had no will so it was a mess in probate!

I guess their is one in ever family!

Others ... Please make sure parents have a will!!

 

[miss missy]

Mother happened to mention that the notary did not witness Father signing the POA documents. Sister took the documents (already signed) and had some friend notarize them. But Mother doesn't want Sister to get in trouble. Well, seems to me that Sister is ALREADY in trouble. Funny you should mention "fiduciary responsibility" because that is precisely what my attorney said when I mentioned one of Sister's other recent schemes. My attorney is the one who told me I can sue Sister. DH thinks we should get a subpoena for all of the bank records, but I don't want to pay a ton of attorney fees to prove Sister has taken money - we KNOW she has taken money. And when the creditors start forming a line I don't know who gets to go first. Hospital? Credit cards? Mother for the remainder of the insurance money that he cheated her out of? Who knows. Mother doesn't want to fight about it. She figures Sister can take it all. But Mother is not good at sticking up for herself. I think Mother needs an advocate. Hello, my name is Advocate.

They had done that too. He couldn't come up with one receipt of where the 150,000 went! He got away with it. I bet he has cash hidden somewhere. Nasty!

Mothers hate sibs fighting, your in for a ride on that!

 

[froglady]

I have POA over DM's assets, and I keep records of every penny I spend of "her" money. My name is on all of her accounts, and also her credit card.

I suspect at least one of my brother's will question some expenditures (did I really have to pay close to $1,000 to get her favorite loveseat recovered in waterproof fabric...especially since it was an old one that I purchased in a yard sale, paid $1,000 to get repaired and recovered less than 5 years ago, loaned to her because her apartment was so small, but her incontinence ruined it?) but all in all any court would see all of the money being used for her health and happiness.

In fact, she's made it quite clear that any money left at her death, after any bills are paid, is to be divided evenly among her 5 children, despite the fact that I'm the sole caregiver.

 

[Marseeya]

You had mentioned some of this to me before, but I didn't know how involved it all is. I am so sorry you have to go through all this! I really hope your sister gets what's coming to her, because what she's doing is horribly wrong on all counts.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Marseeya,

Yeah, "NOT MY DRAMA" is getting harder and harder to maintain! If my mother wasn't getting totally shafted I would just let it go. But for Sister to figure that she is entitled to take any and all assets and use them for her own personal gain when Mother and our other sister have nothing is WRONG. Mother's divorce attorney was worthless (but that's another story) so she needs to get as much out of the estate as possible. Apparently Sister thinks Mother cheated Father out of money when they foreclosed on her house, so now she wants Mother to suffer. IF Mother got money from that house then GOOD FOR HER! It would be the only time she ever managed to do something in her own best interest!

I never heard back from Mother last night, so I am assuming Father's condition stabilized. Of course Sister won't sign a DNR, so there's another issue. I think once he goes to hospice the DNR is mandatory, so there's one good thing.

 

[luvdzne]

Op, I'm sorry you are going through this for you, your mom and little sister.

Estates really do bring out the ugly in people. I have seen it first hand with my Aunt and my grandmother.

My aunt was chronically ill with diabetes from childhood. My uncle who was really only with her because he knew she was so sick and it was only a matter of years before she would pass on. She was blind there for never knew what papers she signed. He bought a big house, cars, you name it, and had it all put in her name. Everything was paid off when she died. She never had a will as she trusted her wishes would be carried out. She told him where she wanted certain things to go. He didn't carry out her wishes, he gave his daughters (her step daughter, that were nothing but nasty to her, did things behind her back because she was blind) all her jewelry she had. He wouldn't even give my grandmother her baby pictures or things that were her mother's. She had to go to his garage sale to buy the things that rightfully belonged in our family. We later found out he threw out all of her pictures and anything that a any kind of meaning to us. He never worked but part time jobs because he didn't want to pay child support, now he and his new wife have been living it up for the last 17 years.

I believe in karma, what comes around goes around, and I believe he will get his in the end, if he hasn't already.

With my grandmother, all my fathers siblings took everything, my father did not want to fight it out so he let it go.

I have told my siblings and my parents that I want nothing to do with power of attorney, nor do I want anything of theirs when they are gone. If there is anything they really want me to have they need to give it to me while they are alive or I want no part of it. I learned the had way the heartache it can cause.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I think you need to follow through with the attorney and sue. Your sister will never understand unless there are some consequences to her actions.

I have been fortunate that I haven't had to go through this yet. I live next door to my parents and both my brother and sister live out of state. My parents have a very nice house but are in the process of selling since it is too much for them financially to keep up. I discussed with my sister that they needed to sell it for financial reasons and she just laughed. She and my brother have this misguided notion that there are millions of dollars "stashed" somewhere. My sister has a huge mortgage and while I love her dearly I know she is just waiting for my Dad to die thinking that this will be the big payoff. I'm hoping that Dad lives to be 100 and spends all his money - and I tell him that all the time. Don't save it for us - you earned it and need to enjoy life with it. I'm sure that when he goes, my siblings will think that I took all of his money. Which is really funny since I've been paying them a couple of hundred dollars every month to help out. So I'm looking into having a Bank handle his Family Trust. That way they can settle the estate - not my sister who is the Executor of Dad's will.

And I believe in Karma too - had the pleasure of witnessing it in action

 

[barkley]

call your local social services agency and ask for the "agency on aging" or "senior services" division. beyond the legal implications of mismanaging your father's estate (as in fiduciary responsibility)-mismanagment for personal gain of an elderly person's assetts is deemed "elder abuse" in most jurisdictions and is highly prosecutable. the courts can step in and assign a guardian for your father's best interest-the person will make sure that everything is done on the up and up and that the best interests of your father are met. they will also look into what has already been done, and take action to seize properties aquired for improperly aquired assetts on your sisters part.

a power of attny does not give a person the assets over which they have control-they are supposed to simply carry out the wishes/best interests of the property owner.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Mother is afraid that if we go through the courts that there won't be anything left. Not that there is much to begin with. It is a catch 22 for her because if we DON'T go ot the courts then Sister will take everything. If we DO go to the courts then the creditors will take everything and then possibly come after the survivors for the remaining balances. That's why I was trying to stay out of it! Either way Mother will end up with nothing, so I guess we might as well take it through the courts so Sister is held accountable. Hopefully I can prove I have had nothing to do with any of it, and Mother has no legal ties to the estate so there shouldn't be any way for Father's creditors to come after us.

After MIL died DH and I had a bit of a tangle with Adult Protective Services while we were trying to figure out how to care for FIL. Every bit of his money ended up going to pay for nursing home care. I was 21 and DH was 24, so we were too young to realize there might have been a better way to go about things. I am sure Adult Protective Services would be interested in chatting with Sister about her choices.

I am still reeling over the whole car thing. Sister has managed to whip through 5 cars in about 7 years. I am currently on my 6th car in 19 years. But Sister is just sure the proper course of action is to take Father's car for herself while Mother twists in the wind because Sister deserves to have no car payment. Brilliant.

 

[LadyZolt]

Mother is afraid that if we go through the courts that there won't be anything left. Not that there is much to begin with. It is a catch 22 for her because if we DON'T go ot the courts then Sister will take everything. If we DO go to the courts then the creditors will take everything and then possibly come after the survivors for the remaining balances.

To ease your mind, the creditors cannot go after the heirs, or the Personal Representative (executor/executrix -- whatever it is called in your state) for monies due. When a person dies, the creditors should be paid out of the person's estate and if there is not enough money, they will not be paid. However, the "down" side is that the creditors must be paid before any inheritance passes to the heirs.

However, things like life insurance policies, "joint" ownership of bank accounts, etc., pass outside of the estate. So if there's a life insurance policy and your little sister (the 14 year old) is the beneficiary, she should get those funds. Since she's a minor, they ought to go into a trust for her benefit until she's an adult. Hope this helps!

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Thanks, LadyZolt! That is good to know!

Now what I need to find out is what happens since Sister has added herself to Father's checking account. The executor of the estate is Father's sister (my aunt) who is an attorney in another state. She is the one who told Sister to put herself on Father's account and make it joint so the account won't be frozen when Father dies. Does that mean any remaining funds can be withdrawn by Sister and she rides off into the sunset? If that IS the case then we need to contest the POA IMMEDIATELY and get her off of the account. If I thought she would give the money to Mother it would be a different story, but she has already shown us that she thinks she is the rightful heir to whatever is left.