Grounded

[Gwendolyn]

Over the last couple of weeks my oldest son Burton (7) finally got the hang of playing outside. He really loves it. He also made two friends. Two autistic brothers of 8 and 10 years old, and act a bit younger than their ages, but they are very sweet.

Today Burton was playing outside with the eldest of the two named Christian.
I had a funny feeling in my gut so I looked outside. And I find my son playing on the roof of the school across the street

Naturally I called him to come home and to take his friend with me.
I talked to both boys. I told Burton that I loved him very much. And that he made me really scared by walking on the roof. What if he couldnt get off the roof safely and hurt himself? And told him that if he accidently broke something on the roof, that we get to pay for the repairs. That means no Disneyworld.
I told him the only way people can actually walk on the roof is when they are repairing it OR when the roof is a roof garden.
Both boys agreed that it wasnt meant to walk on the roof. And my son promised not to do it again. I surely hope so...

After this talk I brought Christian home and talked a bit with his mom.

After consulting with my husband my son is now grounded for 2 days and we took away his electronics privelages for a week. That means no Wii, no iPod, no computergames.

I have absolutely no clue if I handled it correctly and if the punishment is not too severe.
But I've never been in a situation like this before.
And my dads punishments were even more severe when I was my sons age.

What do you think? Did I handle it correctly?

 

[foolishmortal]

wow I would have been grounded for life then! hehehehehe

i lived acrros the street from my middle school and 3 blocks from my elemtry school. we always played on the roofs, around and behind the school etc. they were the only big buildings around our all house neighborhood.

I definitly agree he should have been talked to about the importance of if he fell, broke something etc... BUT i do not think he should be grounded for it. Now if he was told before hey dont walk on that roof, then maybe excuse for grouding is plausible, but if he was never told before how was he to know? kids dont think about dangers and think they are invincible, thats why when we are anywhere and my son asks to play I say ok but heres what you can and cannot do.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Yep absolutely!

I am so glad that you did. I have a neighbor who "plays" on the roof, it's a 2 story. Whenever I or any other neighbors see him we tell his mother or grandmother. They don't ever seem to concerned but...

I would as say as the parent of an autistic child. I think it's wonderful that your son has decided to befriend these boys.

 

[Anjelica]

What do you think? Did I handle it correctly?

My first thought when I heard your son was on the roof was a bit of a chuckle. I have a daughter (who is 7) and a son (who is 3.5). I could not imagine my daughter on the roof but even at the age of 3.5 I could see my son doing it.

I know a bit off topic but I recently read something that really stuck to me about the way most girls/boys different in terms of a "dangerous" situation:

Girls look at a situation and think "I might get hurt". Boys look at the exact same situation and think "I might NOT get hurt".

I'm sure your son meant no harm in what he was doing but didn't understand the idea he could be seriously hurt. I totally think you handled it appropriately!!!

 

[LuvOrlando]

Good job Mom

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that the punishment is a bit severe if he was really unaware of the dangers and the idea that it was trespassing. If he did know that he wasn't supposed to go on school property after hours, or that you normally don't allow him on the roof of the house, etc., then yes, it's proper punishment, but if he really didn't understand that and is properly remorseful, I'd ease up just a bit.

Something you should know about autistic kids: they tend to be rather literal and have trouble extrapolating rules from one situation to another. If someone had told them that it was dangerous to climb on the roof of their house, it would almost surely NOT follow that they would understand that it was also dangerous to climb on the roof of the school. To the autistic mind, those are entirely different situations. What that means in your play situation is that if they now turn around and climb on the roof of YOUR house after specifically being told not to climb on the roof of their own house or the school, they are not likely to be punished as severely by their parents as you might punish your son. It would be good to have a talk with him about his friends' perception of what is OK and what is not, and to make it clear that even if they use that reasoning to argue that a particular pastime is OK, he needs to think about what YOU would say about it, and explain that you need him to reach with his mind and see if there are similarities in the situations that would mean that the same rules apply. You also need to remember the issue of literal interpretation of rules when you outline your house rules for his friends. Be as broad as possible when explaining. For example: don't tell them not to put their sneakers on the furniture; tell them not to put shoes of any kind on the furniture.

 

[WDSearcher]

I think the grounding was a little overzealous.

It was the first time he'd done it, right? You explained to him that it was wrong and why it was wrong, and he indicated that he understood. He promised not to do it again. So ... first offense you explain why it's unacceptable and consider that a warning. If he does it again, THEN you ground him.

 

[sunnyday123]

I'd be mad that he was on the roof, but I don't know if at 7 they can really "get" that it's not a good idea. At 7, dd wasn't allowed to play outside (front yard ) by herself. I just don't think at that age they understand what's a bad idea and what is ok to do.

And I don't think your son got the hang of playing outside yet!

 

[minkydog]

I totally agree with grounding him. I know he's only 7, but at that age he SHOULD know that climbing up on the roof, over 10ft off the ground is not a good idea, no matter who suggests it. The thing about kids is, they'll do things with others that they would never try on their own. This was a serious safety violation, one that could have resulted in serious injury to him or the friend. I think he needs 2 days to think about it. I probably would not take away the electronics for a week. Maybe just the 2 days he's grounded. You want to make a point, not a persecution. At 7, he has a limited short term memory. He'll remember what he's being disciplined for if you make it short, swift, and reasonably (for his age) severe. Prolonging the pain will only make him angry, as he won't really even remember WHY he can't play with his Wii, only that YOU took it away.

Now if he were a teenager, I would suggest a much stronger response. But I think you handled it fairly. Way to go!

 

[pigletgirl]

I think so. Not only is it bad behavior but is a total safety hazard. You definitely did good, by getting the point across .. taking away privileges.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't think you were severe at all. I know if my kids did that they would be in a whole heap of trouble. At 7 a kid should know not to climb on a roof. I don't think you (a general you) can say "well, he was never told not to" and not think that is ridiculous. There are lots of things I don't tell my kids but they still know not to do it. I mean they wouldn't climb on the roof of my car to hang out. I never told them not to but they know not to do that.
I think you did the right thing taking the other boy home and punishing your child.

 

[quentina]

I think the grounding was a little overzealous.

It was the first time he'd done it, right? You explained to him that it was wrong and why it was wrong, and he indicated that he understood. He promised not to do it again. So ... first offense you explain why it's unacceptable and consider that a warning. If he does it again, THEN you ground him.

I agree....I think that you warned him, talked and spoke (almost seems like it was settled)...then you talk to Dad and decide to ground (this is how I am interpreting, may be wrong).

I think it is also a confusing message to him.

 

[FayeW]

I think you went completely overboard. You had the conversation with him at the time, and explained why it was wrong and dangerous. That should have been it. Grounding him after that was pretty crappy.

I say this as the mother of two children who once upon a time climbed out the bedroom window and sat on the porch roof. A neighbour saw them and came and told us. We had a conversation much the same as yours. They weren't grounded and they didn't climb out the window after that.

 

[lustergirl]

getting out the now, another parenting thread.

 

[Sorsha]

No needed, cause I am totally not gonna get sucked in, just going to make an observation.

As I always understood it: you punish a child for being disobedient or for doing something they know is wrong or that they have been told not to do.

You had not yet forbidden him to play on roofs. He was with another child who may, by your own admission, not have the best judgement. Your son is young, and "just getting the hang of playing outside". Honestly, though your son may have had a momentary fleeting thought of "hmmm, mom probably wouldn't be crazy about this", his "older" friend probably convinced him that it would be ok, and he really wanted to do it , and Hey! No one had told him not to!

IMHO, you had it right all the way up to the grounding. You got him down, got him to safety, gave him all the info, told him why he shouldn't do it, told him not to ever do it again, AND took care of his friend as well. You hit all your bases and did a great job! He has promised to never do it again. My opinion would be that you punish the child AFTER he disobeys, which he hasn't done yet - no one had told him not to do it, and there was no one to tell him not to do it as he was doing it.

Of course, now that he IS grounded, don't go back on it LOL. Never go back on it, that sets a bad precedent as a wimpy mommy and once a kid gets THAT between their teeth you are toast. I know my 7 year old, and I would be DONE if she saw me as an easy mark. Give him, and yourself, extra hugs tonight - mommy-ing is hard work!

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

You did great, especially for talking to him about it! :

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well.. You weren't too harsh of that is what you are asking.

It was a dangerous act and it was trespassing. And older child or an adult would have been likely arrested for the same act. You can't just go and climb to the roof of a govt building.

I have a 7yo and while I'm not sure what I would have done in your shoes...she is still at an age where reasoning isn't quite fully mature yet. It isn't for my 10yo either, so maybe I'm not saying it right. I found a huge developmental shift in the past year for her.

What I am trying to get at...at age 7....quality of the punishment makes more impact than the quantity.

 

[Gwendolyn]

Thank you all for your responses. It was very insightfull to read the different views on this matter.

Yesterday evening when my husband came home, we talked some more about it. We decided that Burton was punished enough by staying at home while the weather outside was great.

Normally Burton is very very wise for his age. And I think our talk did help. He actually agreed on the grounding thing and on the removal of the electronics privileges.

Since it was his first time offence, we decided to lift the grounding.
So we had another talk with Burton, explained why we changed our minds. And that we will not be this cool next time. And explained to him the general rules for playing outside.
Burton thanked us, and agreed with the rules.

This felt pretty good. I hope Burton doesn't dissapoint me by climbing roofs again.
Only time will tell. Parenting is a tough job.

 

[FayeW]

Of course, now that he IS grounded, don't go back on it LOL. Never go back on it, that sets a bad precedent as a wimpy mommy and once a kid gets THAT between their teeth you are toast. I know my 7 year old, and I would be DONE if she saw me as an easy mark. Give him, and yourself, extra hugs tonight - mommy-ing is hard work!

BULL!

Kids need to learn that when they make mistakes they acknowledge and fix them. Who better to learn that from than their parents? There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to your child that you made a mistake and punished inappropriately. We are supposed to be parents, not tyrants.

 

[minkydog]

BULL!

Kids need to learn that when they make mistakes they acknowledge and fix them. Who better to learn that from than their parents? There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to your child that you made a mistake and punished inappropriately. We are supposed to be parents, not tyrants.

I agree. REconsidering a decision is not the same as just not following through. Even kids understand that. Just because the OP has changed her mind about the discipline doesn't mean she'll be a total push-over in the future.