Grandparenting or babysitting??

[cmason]

My sweet sweet grandson is almost 2 years old and my daughter is being very difficult. The only time I can see him is when I am willing to keep him from Friday until Sunday night. I work almost 50 hours a week and my weekends are the only time I have to clean my house, shop, pay bills, etc. She thinks I need to be watching my grandson every weekend and that is the only way we are going to bond. She will not visit or come over for a little while so I can see him. She does not ask me to watch him for a few hours. It has to be all weekend. I do not have the patience to keep a 2 year old every weekend.
She doesn't make it simple either. I pick him up from her house (she lives with her dad, my ex) on Fridays, bring him back to my house, 45 minutes away and bring him back to her on Sunday evenings. She got mad at me in February because I would not take a weeks vacation from work and babysit so her and her husband could go on vacation. She didn't speak to me for a month. Mother's Day this year, she did not acknowledge this day. I had the baby all weekend but I made her come pick him up. She was upset because I asked her to pick him by noon so we could take my mother in law out to lunch. She came in mad, took the baby to the car and that was the last time I seen him. She said she was in a hurry because they were doing a mothers day cookout for her mother in law. She never told me Happy Mother's Day, no card, no hug, nothing. I felt so hurt that day. Now today I get a text from her asking what I was doing this weekend and could I babysit friday to Sunday evening. I have yet to respond. I want to see him so bad but I can't do all weekend and I am really tired of her not having anything to do with me besides babysitting. I have tried to talk to her but she gets mad and hangs up. She always says "if you don't want to spend time with your grandson and you don't have a relationship with him its all your fault" I just don't know what to do. Sorry I had to vent somewhere.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I feel for you. You are between a rock and a hard place. It would be easy to say that you aren't willing to do that anymore but I know you want to see your grandson. I think your daughter is being selfish and unreasonable. (Unless there is more to the story. Have to give that disclaimer.)

 

[Christine]

So sorry that your daughter is behaving this way.

There really is nothing you can do that will "win" for you. You can either be a doormat and bend to your daughter's will. Which, I suspect as time goes on, will become more and more conditional.

I would call her back and say that you are busy on Saturday morning (make up SOMETHING) but that you will come get him at Noon on Saturday and return him on Sunday. Start out small--give a little but be in control. If she hangs up and is mad, so be it. You will have to live with that. I think if you do some "tough love" for a little bit and she knows you are going to stand by it, she will change her behavior in time. She might night ever become perfect, but you might see some small changes.

 

[Dizlvr]

What does your daughter do on the weekends, is she working?
I am sorry that your daughter is taking advantage of you and using her child to manipulate you. I don't know if there is anything you can do because its your daughter that needs to change, not you.

 

[SLP958]

Oh wow!
Your daughter does sound very unreasonable about this.

As a mom with 2 young kids I would accept and love any offer to babysit. Even for a few hours!

Is there some other reason she insists on this specific time period? Obviously, it is easier for her if you keep him an entire weekend but are you sure that is all there is to this demand??

 

[cbg1027]

Your daughter is really taking advantage of your desire to your grandson, and she's acting like a brat. Grandma's are not around so mom and dad can have weekends off from parenting!

I would suggest setting some ground rules like you will only take the baby for a whole weekend once a month. Or maybe ask your daughter if there is a specific day/time you could have a regular 'baby date'. Maybe every other Sunday afternoon or something like that.

I'm sorry your daughter is making things so difficult. Have you always had this kind of relationship with her?

 

[cmason]

She is unemployed. She wants me to babysit while she goes out with her and her husbands friends. Her in laws tend to keep their grandchildren all the time and I think she expects the same from me. I am just flat wore out after work. One weekend in particular, I asked her if she would come get him and she said she couldn't. Okay, so I will bring him to you around 1 on sunday. She said okay but was not home when I got there. I called and texted her multiple times and she never answered. Finally at 7 p.m. she calls and said she fell asleep at her friends house and was sorry.

 

[Disneylover99]

Your daughter sounds like a spoiled rotten brat and she needs a reality check.

I see two major issues.

1. She is using you for babysitting.
2. She treats you like crap.

I have no idea what you should do in regards to maintaining a relationship with your grandson. But this is not right. I wish you all the best.

 

[DisneyLuver2013]

I'm really sorry OP!

It sounds like your daughter is using your grandson as a "pawn" of sorts to have control over you (i.e. you will only see your grandson under your daughters preferred conditions, she has to be in control of the situation, etc.). I've seen what this behavior can do to a family - it is a dangerous game to play and will only hurt relationships in the end. I would set some boundaries for your sanity. She will probably get mad that you won't comply with her demands, but if she needs a babysitter every now and then, she won't stay mad for long and hopefully come to the realization of how selfish she is being.

Why can't her mother-in-law watch the grandson for part of the weekend?

 

[Dizlvr]

She is unemployed. She wants me to babysit while she goes out with her and her husbands friends. Her in laws tend to keep their grandchildren all the time and I think she expects the same from me. I am just flat wore out after work. One weekend in particular, I asked her if she would come get him and she said she couldn't. Okay, so I will bring him to you around 1 on sunday. She said okay but was not home when I got there. I called and texted her multiple times and she never answered. Finally at 7 p.m. she calls and said she fell asleep at her friends house and was sorry.

Oh wow, I was hoping you were going to come back and say she works weekends.
I know you want to see your grandson, but nothing will change if you continue to let her use you. You need to put your foot down and set up rules. Its time she grew up, she's a mother now so that means you stop going out every weekend. She sounds like a teenager, you said she's married though so I'm guessing she's very young. I agree with the pp she's acting like a spoiled brat, I wouldn't give in anymore. Good luck to you.

 

[NewRVLady]

How OLD is she?
I cant believe a new mom would WANT to be away from their child so much every weekend
are they partying hard-sleeping aLL day Sunday and cant answer her phone...really sad

 

[cmason]

She just turned 24. I agree she is only using me and the longer I allow it, the more she will do it. Her mother in law babysat a majority of the time but she had surgery and can no longer watch him as much. I think she is expecting me to fill those shoes. Her mother in law does not work and honestly if I did not work full time I would be more willing to keep him more. I think what upsets me the most is she won't even come by for an hour or so to visit. I kept him on mothers day weekend and that's the last time I seen him. She asked me last weekend to watch him but I was working overtime and couldn't. If i get him this weekend it will be the last time I see him until my next weekend visit. I feel like I am a custodial parent with every other weekend visitation.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Even adult children need boundary lines in the relationship. Yes it hurts when she won't let you see the child. But it is necessary to establish those boundaries with her. She is using her child as the weapon against you as well. She learned this traight somewhere along the line. I feel your pain, as I am in the same situation myself, but I won't be stepped on like that.

 

[Laura66]

Your daughter sounds like a spoiled rotten brat and she needs a reality check.

I see two major issues.

1. She is using you for babysitting.
2. She treats you like crap.

I have no idea what you should do in regards to maintaining a relationship with your grandson. But this is not right. I wish you all the best.

Yes!


I'm so sorry.

 

[Planogirl]

You sound like such a nice person but I agree that she is taking advantage of you. You might just have to put your foot down and set the parameters. I feel for you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My advice is to take your dd's behavior out of the issue here. Reason? She is not going to change. No sense in beating your head against the wall there. She is manipulative.

So my advice is to take the grandson from Fri-Sun when you are able to do so and if you are not you say no.

That would be the less drama filled way to handle it.

She is not going to like it and you will not like it either but her behavior forces you to do it.

 

[scrapquitler]

My sweet sweet grandson is almost 2 years old and my daughter is being very difficult. The only time I can see him is when I am willing to keep him from Friday until Sunday night. I work almost 50 hours a week and my weekends are the only time I have to clean my house, shop, pay bills, etc. She thinks I need to be watching my grandson every weekend and that is the only way we are going to bond. She will not visit or come over for a little while so I can see him. She does not ask me to watch him for a few hours. It has to be all weekend. I do not have the patience to keep a 2 year old every weekend.
She doesn't make it simple either. I pick him up from her house (she lives with her dad, my ex) on Fridays, bring him back to my house, 45 minutes away and bring him back to her on Sunday evenings. She got mad at me in February because I would not take a weeks vacation from work and babysit so her and her husband could go on vacation. She didn't speak to me for a month. Mother's Day this year, she did not acknowledge this day. I had the baby all weekend but I made her come pick him up. She was upset because I asked her to pick him by noon so we could take my mother in law out to lunch. She came in mad, took the baby to the car and that was the last time I seen him. She said she was in a hurry because they were doing a mothers day cookout for her mother in law. She never told me Happy Mother's Day, no card, no hug, nothing. I felt so hurt that day. Now today I get a text from her asking what I was doing this weekend and could I babysit friday to Sunday evening. I have yet to respond. I want to see him so bad but I can't do all weekend and I am really tired of her not having anything to do with me besides babysitting. I have tried to talk to her but she gets mad and hangs up. She always says "if you don't want to spend time with your grandson and you don't have a relationship with him its all your fault" I just don't know what to do. Sorry I had to vent somewhere.

She's taking advantage of you and using you as a free babysitter. Just say no.

 

[worm761]

My advice is to take your dd's behavior out of the issue here. Reason? She is not going to change. No sense in beating your head against the wall there. She is manipulative.

So my advice is to take the grandson from Fri-Sun when you are able to do so and if you are not you say no.

That would be the less drama filled way to handle it.

She is not going to like it and you will not like it either but her behavior forces you to do it.

I am so sorry that your DD is treating you and her son this way! My dad lives with me so he is very involved with DD. My in-laws live several states away and don't have much of a relationship with DD. And due to issues with MIL she isn't allowed to keep DD. I can't imagine wanting to be away from DD at such a young age.

Anyway, I think the above is probably the best you can do. This way you at least get to have a relationship with your GS. But one thing I think you should really think about is what happens when she has more kids. Will you be required to take all the kids for the whole weekend for her to go be a non-parent for the weekend? And how often are you willing to do that? There's only one grandkid right now but I'm willing to bet there will be more in the future.

 

[wenrob]

Turn this around and see your grandson on your terms. YOU go see HIM. Is there any reason why this wouldn't work? I know you said she lives with your ex but couldn't you go by, pick him up and take him to the park or for ice cream? Hang out in the back yard? You said she won't bring him for a visit and only wants you to babysit but has she said you can't go see him? Call him every Saturday, FaceTime or Skype him, bring yourself TO HIM.

While I fully agree she is taking advantage and being a brat you need to take a little control of the situation. I've never understood the mentality of "you must bring the children to me." My parents are like this and I've never understood it. Of course I don't mind bringing the kids over but they never come to them. It swings both ways IMHO. Make yourself a pain in her butt, drop by, call and maybe she'll bring him over just to get you out of her hair. THEN you babysit if and when it suits you.

I have next to zero relationship with my mother but I would never use her grandkids against her. She wants to see them she is more than welcome to. I couldn't imagine ever using them as pawns to get my way. If this is what your daughter is doing then shame on her.

 

[ols386]

I'm sorry you have this situation, op. Your daughter sounds extremely unreasonable.

If I were in your shoes, I would do whatever it takes to see my grandson. Having him on the weekend.

I understand that you need time to take care of your own things, but if that were the only way I could see him, that's what I'd do.

I hope things can change for the better. What your daughter is doing isn't right.