OK, I think I'm the only man to respond to this thread so far (donning flame suit now -- LOL). If any of the previous posters are male, I apologize.
From my point of view, I'm not sure that it should be ONLY the mother-to-be's decision as to who is in the delivery room with her. I think her and her husband should discuss in advance who they want in there. However, the comfort of the mother is of extreme importance here and her wishes should be given strong, but not -- IMO -- total consideration. I don't think the husband should be able to add people to the room but I do think his wishes should be considered if he wishes to "veto" anybody from the room.
If your DD doesn't want her in-laws in there, they should be out. If your son-in-law would prefer to keep this a private moment between just him and your DD, you should be out unless your absence would be a real problem for your DD.
For my DW and I, relative to the birth of our first DS, she and I (and the medical staff, of course) were the only ones in the delivery room the final hour or two she was in labor including the birth itself obviously. The first fifteen hours she was in labor, we had a handful of different visitors (all female I believe) including her mom a multiple number of times.
My DW's mom was in the room for the births of our second, third, and fourth DS's but I'm glad we kept that first birth to just my DW and I.
Also, during the birth of either our third or fourth DS (and don't tell my wife I don't remember which one it was), we had literally thirteen people in the room -- my DW, myself, my MIL, DW's OBGYN, maternity nurse #1, maternity nurse #2, medical person #4 (not sure what her job was), and 6 medical students! The nurses asked if we cared if they observed or not and we said what the heck! it's old business for us by now. My mother was welcome to come in as well for the birth of the third or fourth DS but she had no desire to.
As poohlovr said, most maternity staffs will handle the situation for your DD and SIL by saying that it's the hospital rules even when it really isn't (I'm sorry but only husbands and the mother of the moms are allowed in or I'm sorry but only husbands are allowed in).
As far as what you can expect, I haven't seen it from the grandparent level yet but I can still remember that we had to make some adjustments when our first DS was born (including some things we hadn't even thought about such as what the grandparents would be called -- her family was Grandma First Name and Grandpa First Name while she was growing up while mine was Grandma Last Name and Grandpa Last Name) and your family will to.
Just try to stick up for yourself to a degree but also don't panic too much if, at first, one set of grandparents is initially getting more face time than another. It's definitely a fine line but you have to have some faith in your DD and SIL that they will balance things out.
-- Rob
)
Neither had any money,but they made sure we knew we were dearly loved.
