Grandchild's birthday

[tinatark]

I wish I knew how to make it okay! My sister is the same way with my kids- teens, now, for Christmas... nothing - no card, etc... same thing happened for my older son's graduation in June. She is on a tight budget but at least a card or phone call would be nice. But then when she tells me she is shopping for a gift for a friend - grrr. I just send my nephews gifts. Maybe one day she'll get it!

 

[momof1princess]

Sometimes you have to let life unfold as it has to and not stress over things you cannot control.

Your children will relaize soon enough that their Grandmother treats them differently from the others and that will color their relationship with her. Nothing you can do about it....she will reap what she sows...

hit the nail on the head.

at the age of 41 (almost 42) years old, i have finally realized that my father doesn't care anything about being my dad-he stopped being my dad when i was 9 years old, which was the year he divorced my mom. he called DD15 on her birthday and left a message on the machine (we were in MK at WDW! ), but, when she called him back the next day, he wouldn't answer. we've both called many times since, and he doesn't answer (he's retired and doesn't get out much, due to my step-mom's health, so he IS at home).
i've been chasing this man for almost 33 years, doing everything within my power to will him to want to be my dad, and he has disappointed me at every turn. i'm done. he has reaped what he has sown.

 

[WDSearcher]

Yes. DS is 16 years old. He was 8 when DH and I started dating. DH is very PO'ed about it. His father and step mother can not afford to buy gifts and that is OK. We don't want gifts. But they at least call and wish him a happy birthday. She doesn't acknowledge it any way. I don't understand the whole "not real family" thing with her. In my family, you are just family. Heck, we still keep in contact with my sisters ex step daughter and SDD's mother so we can see her.

And there it is, right there. YOU don't understand HER, so she's wrong. She doesn't behave as your family does, so ... she's wrong.

You say that DH is "very PO'ed about it". Has he been silently PO'd, or has he discussed it with her in the past? Have you? (Telling someone that they need to acknowledge a step-son or step-daughter is not the same thing as discussing it with them.) Has she EVER mentioned your son's birthday? If not ... then I would think after 8 years, you'd stop expecting her to.

Does she acknowledge him on Christmas or at any other time? Has he -- as an 8YO or now, as a teen -- attempted to form any sort of bond with her? Do you see her regularly?

 

[ENSOCK]

I feel for you, my FIL has never called or sent anything to my boys. Yes it is hurtful, and trust me they notice, but there is nothing that can be done about it. My dad and mom spoiled them rotten. Dad still does, he calls them nightly just to check that they are fine.

 

[worm761]

And there it is, right there. YOU don't understand HER, so she's wrong. She doesn't behave as your family does, so ... she's wrong.

You say that DH is "very PO'ed about it". Has he been silently PO'd, or has he discussed it with her in the past? Have you? (Telling or someone that they need to acknowledge a step-son or step-daughter is not the same thing as discussing it with them.) Has she EVER mentioned your son's birthday? If not ... then I would think after 8 years, you'd stop expecting her to.

Does she acknowledge him on Christmas or at any other time? Has he -- as an 8YO or now, as a teen -- attempted to form any sort of bond with her? Do you see her regularly?

Sorry but yes, I feel she is wrong to not include my daughter, her biological grandchild, in gifts. Especially when she goes around and says that she treats them all equally.

Yes, DH tried to discuss it in the past. She won't change and I can accept that. I don't expect anything from her for DS's birthday. It still ticks off DH since he treats DS as his own and always has.

I don't discuss anything with her. I have taken the advice of the women here on the Dis that say it is his family and he needs to deal with her. Gets me out of all the drama. But I have to deal with him after he has spoken to her.

No, we don't encourage a relationship. I tried and she just ignored my attempts. Then she repeatedly made the statement that DD has to choose who she is going to love, me (her mother) and my family or MIL. She cannot love both of us. And she actually expects for my just turned 3 year old to make that decision. Oh, and for Christmas last year, DH got a note explaining that it was disloyal to the family to marry me. I swear to you I have never done anything to this woman in my life. We have spent very little time together since we live in Florida and she is in NY. I will add that I am close to some of his family members. His step mother and I get along great. His sister and I get along. And his aunt and cousin visit our home at least once a year, though next year we are visiting them.

As for DS, he doesn't really notice to be honest. He has a form of autism so it doesn't really bother him to be honest. It bothers DH. He knows he can't change her but she would have never stood for him or his siblings to be treated by his step father's family the way she treats our DS.

 

[minkydog]

I understand. Neither my mom nor my MIL have ever called my kids on their birthday. MIL is very good about sending birthday cards, my mom not so much. My mom is a good person, but she is so disorganized that she cannot get birthday cards out. It is not unusual for the kids to get a card 3 months after, and soemtimes she forgets altogether. When DH and I got married 32 years ago, she forgot to get us a gift(we paid for our own wedding and honeymoon.) Just forgot. Apologized for forgetting and said she'd get right on it. 32 years later, we're no longer waiting.

My mom is just who she is. I learned a long time ago not to depend on her for anything. I love her and I accept that she's never going to get organized. I dont' make excuses for her.She loves my kids and they know that. I just have to let it go and not spend time being upset about it

 

[okeydokey]

The two sides of our family are quite different too. The in laws are not involved but my side is. We live out of state from both, but my Mom knows what is happening in our lives and DHs folks never really seem interested.

My DD asked me if it was wrong to prefer my side over her fathers. I figure, you reap what you sow.

 

[Coonhound]

I feel your pain and frustration OP.

We always had perfectly nice relationships with our parents and in-laws. Both adored our son and loved spending time with him, calling him on the phone, sending gifts.

Now, we have custody of our granddaughter- we are helping our son to raise his child. Ever since our granddaughter was born two years ago, my in-laws have basically stopped calling, stopped all contact. They disapprove of "the situation" and of our son having a child. (Well, we were not in favor of it either! ) BUT they went to the extreme of no longer acknowledging their grandson and his daughter.

Our son was hurt for a long time and still has some anger over it. He no longer tries to reach out to them. And we have very limited contact with them because of the hurt they inflicted upon our child.

 

[HM]

deleted my response as it didn't fit the circumstances the OP has

 

[bellebud]

Sorry but yes, I feel she is wrong to not include my daughter, her biological grandchild, in gifts. Especially when she goes around and says that she treats them all equally.

Yes, DH tried to discuss it in the past. She won't change and I can accept that. I don't expect anything from her for DS's birthday. It still ticks off DH since he treats DS as his own and always has.

I don't discuss anything with her. I have taken the advice of the women here on the Dis that say it is his family and he needs to deal with her. Gets me out of all the drama. But I have to deal with him after he has spoken to her.

No, we don't encourage a relationship. I tried and she just ignored my attempts. Then she repeatedly made the statement that DD has to choose who she is going to love, me (her mother) and my family or MIL. She cannot love both of us. And she actually expects for my just turned 3 year old to make that decision. Oh, and for Christmas last year, DH got a note explaining that it was disloyal to the family to marry me. I swear to you I have never done anything to this woman in my life. We have spent very little time together since we live in Florida and she is in NY. I will add that I am close to some of his family members. His step mother and I get along great. His sister and I get along. And his aunt and cousin visit our home at least once a year, though next year we are visiting them.

As for DS, he doesn't really notice to be honest. He has a form of autism so it doesn't really bother him to be honest. It bothers DH. He knows he can't change her but she would have never stood for him or his siblings to be treated by his step father's family the way she treats our DS.

she seems pretty wacky, and as someone once told me "be careful what you wish for"... do you really want this woman to have a close relationship w/ either of your kids, and be an influence on them? I definitely wouldn't. "Smile and wave" is my motto for someone like this. Be civil, expect nothing, do not engage. Just because she's the bio grandma to your dd, doesn't mean she "should" be in your dd's life, and it seems it's better that she's not from what you've described.

 

[IheartMickey]

This thread makes me feel a lot better about being dubbed the "favorite grandchild" by my cousins. My maternal grandma lived with us my entire life until she passed when I was 18. I had no other grandparents, as my dad died when I was 4 and they couldn't be bothered with having a relationship with me. My maternal grandfather died before I was born, actually my mom found out she was pregnant with me at his funeral. The funny thing is I'm the only one out of his 7 grandchildren to inherit the cleft in the chin that he had.

Anyway, my mom worked two jobs and my grandma took care of me so of course I got more attention. But she never missed a birthday or special occasion for her other grand kids. I don't know why my cousins still complain that I was the favorite. I (along with my mother) was the only one there while she was dying with cancer at home. I was the one giving her injections, in charge of her oxygen and cleaning her chest tube. They missed out on all that fun of watching her suffer. It took her 6 months from diagnosis to pass, and they didn't visit until her third to last day of living. Of course I was the favorite, I was the only one who showed her love in return.

 

[WDSearcher]

she seems pretty wacky, and as someone once told me "be careful what you wish for"... do you really want this woman to have a close relationship w/ either of your kids, and be an influence on them? I definitely wouldn't. "Smile and wave" is my motto for someone like this. Be civil, expect nothing, do not engage. Just because she's the bio grandma to your dd, doesn't mean she "should" be in your dd's life, and it seems it's better that she's not from what you've described.

MTE.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My parents get busy. They have a busy retired life. So I call my DM on my DD's birthday to remind her. Some years I get "I know it's her birthday. I'm not that old!" to "Oh crap, is it the 18th today. Thanks for the reminder." She loves all of her grandchildren very much but they live 1800 miles away and easily get distracted. The card/gift was sent the week prior to arrive in the mail on time but that phone call sometimes slips. Heck, she gave birth to me and my phone call sometimes arrives a day or two later. There is no ill intent on my mom's part.

 

[Andtototoo]

Having witnessed this behavior and seen what works and what doesn't, I believe the most important action we can take as parents is to protect our child. By which I mean as a start, do not force a relationship and visits and outward signs of love by our children onto people who don't give a crap. I also believe one should not enable, cover, or hide the true nature of their grandparents. When kids see and know the truth, they can grow a thicker skin to the slights and indifference to the relationship, which actually is protecting them. When you don't care, you can't be hurt. Sad, but true.

The kids who suffer the most are the ones whose parents enable, cover or hide the truth and then the kids expect loving relationships, visits, attention etc which of course never happen. I believe the parents who cover for the grandparents are setting up a child to be hurt for far longer than the parents who let the chips fall where they may and who also tell the chldren, "You MUST love and forgive them because they're faaaaaaaaaaaaaamily." Those kids are perplexed at best and at worst believe that there is something wrong with them that these 'wonderful' grandparents don't show any evidence or effort at loving them.

 

[jgh]

I've never really gotten gifts/birthday wishes from my paternal grandmother...ever. I'm 20 and it still hurts my feelings, but hey, what can you do? It's not the present, it's just the call wishing a happy birthday...

 

[eliza61]

Did the grandparents just suddenly display this attitude. What I mean is I have some relatives that are absolutely "TRIFLING" as my grandmother use to say. For example, when my dh died I had one lovely gem of a brother ask to borrow 50 bucks to come to the funeral. Really, no joke.
the thing is, my brother has always been trifling ( along with a host of other things but that's a totally different post) so my expectations for him to ever act like he has some common sense are pretty much low. And I'd definitely have a heart attack if he ever called me on my bday or my kids bday. My first automatic response would probably be "I have no money".

So are these grandparents loving, involved individuals most of the time?

 

[Andtototoo]

Did the grandparents just suddenly display this attitude. What I mean is I have some relatives that are absolutely "TRIFLING" as my grandmother use to say. For example, when my dh died I had one lovely gem of a brother ask to borrow 50 bucks to come to the funeral. Really, no joke.
the thing is, my brother has always been trifling ( along with a host of other things but that's a totally different post) so my expectations for him to ever act like he has some common sense are pretty much low. And I'd definitely have a heart attack if he ever called me on my bday or my kids bday. My first automatic response would probably be "I have no money".

So are these grandparents loving, involved individuals most of the time?

In my dd's case, no, they were not. My father, as an example, could never even remember the name, let alone birthday, of his ONLY grandchild. Amazingly enough, however, he could remember the names and birthdays of the sons of his employee and lavish gifts on THEM. He died when dd was 6 and she has no memories of him. (And interestingly enough, that employee and his sons who were lavished with gifts? Did not come to his funeral or even send a card.)

In my case, my paternal grandparents had been an integral part of our lives until one day when my grandmother started a fight with my mother (I was there and saw it and my grandmother was indeed at fault). My grandmother then decided we were ALL dead to her and my grandfather bowed to her wishes, so for the next five years it was as if we did not exist. That was quite painful and when she finally sought reconcilation (when she found out I was engaged), our relationship was never the same because I didn't trust her. When you find out that you're disposable, the trust becomes disposable as well.

 

[worm761]

Did the grandparents just suddenly display this attitude. What I mean is I have some relatives that are absolutely "TRIFLING" as my grandmother use to say. For example, when my dh died I had one lovely gem of a brother ask to borrow 50 bucks to come to the funeral. Really, no joke.
the thing is, my brother has always been trifling ( along with a host of other things but that's a totally different post) so my expectations for him to ever act like he has some common sense are pretty much low. And I'd definitely have a heart attack if he ever called me on my bday or my kids bday. My first automatic response would probably be "I have no money".

So are these grandparents loving, involved individuals most of the time?

I will say that it came out of left field at first. DH was told he would never have kids. She wanted a grandchild from him so badly that she really pushed adoption. Funny because she doesn't accept my child even though DH really wanted to adopt him. She was thrilled when we had DD. And then she became very jealous of my family spending time with DD. To a point that she stopped talking to DH because we allowed our then 2 year old to be in my sister's wedding but didn't go to NY and visit her for the exact amount of time we spent at my sister's wedding. It is also unfair that my father gets to spend more time with DD than MIL does. Well, my father lives with me and will until he has to go to a home. Of course he sees more of her.

She is not like this with any of her other grandchildren. Just DD. She is attempting to use DD and I guess the lack of gift as a weapon against DH. Dd doesn't need anymore crap. She has plenty of toys. My issue is that she is hurting my DH and will eventually hurt my DD. For now, I am listening to some of the DIS wives that have been married longer than me and letting DH deal with his family. But the day that my DD notices will be a day to remember indeed. If DH chooses to put up with her than I am fine as long as my kids aren't hurt in the process. He does a pretty good job of buffering between them. I just know that one day she will go too far and that sucks for all involved.

 

[worm761]

In my dd's case, no, they were not. My father, as an example, could never even remember the name, let alone birthday, of his ONLY grandchild. Amazingly enough, however, he could remember the names and birthdays of the sons of his employee and lavish gifts on THEM. He died when dd was 6 and she has no memories of him. (And interestingly enough, that employee and his sons who were lavished with gifts? Did not come to his funeral or even send a card.)

That is just sad. I know my father forgets the grandkids and even our birthdays. I just remind him that a birthday is coming up and then remind him again on the day of so he can call. If he could remember on his own, he would. But he is getting older and getting forgetful.