Grandchild's birthday

[tink_lover]

First off, this will be a bit of blowing off steam. Why would a grandparent, who is perfectly capable, not call or do anything to acknowledge a young (tween) grandchild's birthday? It drives me nuts. I'm tired of defending them. The other set of grandparents is older (in their 80s) and somehow manages a card/phone call. The older I get, the less tolerant I get of the behavior. There was no excuse not to call - Grandma was posting on Facebook tonight. I guess that was more important.

 

[Robbi]

Don't defend them anymore. Let your child call the grandparents on it next time they're around, if the child feels comfortable doing it. This can be done in a polite way. The grandparents will continue the bad behavior if they know you'll cover for them.

 

[Caseheidi]

I was raised with a set of Grandparents who never said happy birthday. While it has always been a disappointment, there is nothing I can do to make them interested in me (or any of us grand kids). As hard as it is, I would just let your child decide if they care, and if they are really upset, share that info with the GP do they realize the effect their response has.

 

[sam_gordon]

First off, this will be a bit of blowing off steam. Why would a grandparent, who is perfectly capable, not call or do anything to acknowledge a young (tween) grandchild's birthday? It drives me nuts. I'm tired of defending them. The other set of grandparents is older (in their 80s) and somehow manages a card/phone call. The older I get, the less tolerant I get of the behavior. There was no excuse not to call - Grandma was posting on Facebook tonight. I guess that was more important.

For Christmas (Hanukkah, whatever), get them a calendar that has everyone's birthdays & anniversaries already marked.

 

[MIGrandma]

I understand how you feel, but I don't think there is really anything you can do to change it.

My Mom (she's 75) doesn't give her grandchildren (2) or her greatgrandchildren (7) gifts on their birthdays either. She doesn't send them even a card, or call them. She will wish them happy birthday on Facebook, but that's it.

I think it's awful. It's not like she can't afford to give them a gift or a little cash, she just chooses not to.

I would have to be on my death bed not to acknowledge my grand/great grandchildren's birthdays with a gift, money, or even just sending a card.

She complains that they "never come to see her" but she doesn't go to see them either, even when I tell her the road does go both ways. Some of them she only sees on Christmas, even though they only live 30-45 minutes away.

Our DD has birthday parties each year for their DS and DD, my Mom won't even go to the parties "because she'd have to buy a gift", so they don't even bother inviting her anymore. I think it's really sad, but there's nothing I can do. Except NOT be "that kind" of Grandma.

 

[tink_lover]

Agree that I won't be that kind of Grandma!

It is just our kids. The other grandkids (children of all my SILs) are acknowledged on birthdays. I get that it is a situation out of my control and won't change. It is just one of those for me.

 

[Maria1985]

Smiles -- lots of them.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sometimes you have to let life unfold as it has to and not stress over things you cannot control.

Your children will relaize soon enough that their Grandmother treats them differently from the others and that will color their relationship with her. Nothing you can do about it....she will reap what she sows...

 

[sam_gordon]

Agree that I won't be that kind of Grandma!

It is just our kids. The other grandkids (children of all my SILs) are acknowledged on birthdays. I get that it is a situation out of my control and won't change. It is just one of those for me.

Just out of curiosity, has it always been this way, or is this a recent phenomenon? If she did used to recognize your kids event, have they (or you) been good about sending thank you notes?

 

[design_mom]

I agree. Take this as a lesson of what "not to do" when you become a Grandma.

Three of my grandparents died before I was born (died young), and my one remaining grandmother was not a very good grandma. She never came to anything, never called, etc. When I was young I thought it was "because she lived far away," but she really only lived about 45 minutes away and she could drive. The only times we saw her were when we went to see her.

My mother is a fantastic grandma. She has told me that she knows that we got shortchanged in the grandma department, and she doesn't want to be that way with her own grandchildren. My kids are actually lucky to have pretty good grandparents on both sides -- and a wonderful great-grandma on my husbands side.

 

[JamesMom]

My mom was never the motherly type, much less the grandmotherly type. When I announced I was pregnant with my first she pulled out her calendar and wrote the date - that's it - didn't attend my shower or anything. When I packed up her house after her passing she had unopened stacks of mail including all the pictures of the kids over the years - none managed grace her walls with her beloved Star Trek signed photos. So you can guess their birthdays were never acknowledged (heck, I never got a card/call on MY birthday after college). Oh well. My kids were small enough to not notice the sllight.
I plan on spoiling my grandkids rotten!

 

[worm761]

My MIL has started this with our kids and DH and I are not happy about it. She won't acknowledge my son's birthday because he is DH's stepson and therefore not a grandchild or family at all. She doesn't acknowledge my birthday because, again, I am not family.

For DD's birthday, DH's biological child therefore real family, DD received a birthday card and a certificate made on MIL computer for a shopping trip the next time she is in New York. And to clarify why this is so bad...We live in Florida and DD turned 3 last week. This is how MIL thinks she is going to get us to magically come up with the finances to take a trip to New York. I can guarantee that none of the grandkids that live in New York got a certificate for their birthday.

Now, my mother, when she was alive, spoiled the grandkids and loved it. My father spoils the kids which is horrible since he lives with us.

 

[caitlinsmom]

My ILs can't be bothered. They called on DD's birthday to ask DH a question and as an afterthought asked DH to wish her a happy birthday. She was right there yet they didn't want to talk to her.

They are like this with DS and DNephew also but my other BILs son (and his half sister) they are good grandparents. It sucks when they care more about a child that is not blood (BIL's ex-wife's daughter with her new husband) than they do their other 2 son's kids.

My parents and step-dad more than make up for it though.

 

[shinysparklybubbles]

My MIL has started this with our kids and DH and I are not happy about it. She won't acknowledge my son's birthday because he is DH's stepson and therefore not a grandchild or family at all. She doesn't acknowledge my birthday because, again, I am not family.

I would be livid! That's ridiculous! Is your son old enough to realize that she chooses not to celebrate him?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sometimes you have to let life unfold as it has to and not stress over things you cannot control.

Your children will relaize soon enough that their Grandmother treats them differently from the others and that will color their relationship with her. Nothing you can do about it....she will reap what she sows...

This, EXACTLY!!!!!
Don't defend or 'enable'.
And, NEVER ever hope or expect for any change or anything more.
These people ARE who they are. Issues and all...
Any expectations or attempts to get them to 'do what is right' will only result in more stress, drama, and heartache.

The best, and only, way to handle it is to just acknowledge reality.
This is the way it is.
This is who they are...
And then move on in the most positive way possible from there!

You really have to adjust your expectations and reactions (and your relationship) on your end.

Do not send out a calander, with your dates and expections pre-listed.
Do not, under any circumstances, have your child engage in 'calling them on it'.
I would never subject my child to that kind of stress, negativity, battle.
I truly do not think that any of those kinds of efforts would have a productive or positive outcome.

 

[eliza61]

First op, I want to send hugs to you, this seems to be very important to you.
I'm going to throw some questions back at you, not to pick on you but to honestly get you thinking about some other views.

Now here are my random thoughts on this and the topic comes up now and again.

We all have these "leave it to beaver" type expectations of how grandparents are supposed to act, then when the grand parent doesn't do it we get mad. Why? Grandparents are the ones who decided for whatever reason how much involvement they will have in their grandkids lives. Yes, in a perfect world all families would be like the Huxetables. Life is rarely like that.

My MIL is Jehovah Witness so she never gives gifts or birthday cards so kids can and do survive without them. Be that as it may, I don't worry what other people do for my kids, dh and I make sure they have the type of birthdays we want them to have. I doubt if my kids really noticed until they were young adults if Mom-mom gave them a gift. I've read stories about people going to disney world with the grand parents than getting mad because GP's didn't want to babysit the kids.

In general, I don't think people "suddenly" begin acting a certain way, I think they give little signals along the way. Maybe you just didn't want to acknowledge them. (this is just my pea brain pyscho bable) What type of grandma is she the rest of the year? If she is actively involved in their lives then forgetting a birthday is not the end of the world. If she doesn't pay much attention to them the other 300+ days, then that's not going to change.
Did I read you say she doesn't acknowledge your birthday because you're not family? Sorry IMO that was a big clue. Evidently she's one of those 'bloodline" type people. I actually had a cousin like this, only direct line"Sanchezes" counted in her world? go figure.

Lastly, I also believe in what the great poet Laurete Mya Anglo said, "when people show you who they are, believe them". You say your mother finds facebook more important then her grandkids? Ok, there's your fact. Stop expecting her to come through like Maria Barrone. she will only keep disappointing you.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

I understand your frustration op! I could go on for days about my in-laws but let me give you a few highlights:

We went to their house for Thanksgiving this year. Hadn't seen them in several years because DH was in the Air Force and we recently moved closer. The day after Thanksgiving was DH's birthday (their son). That morning I told the in-laws I was going out to get him a birthday cake. MIL told me that they don't "believe" in birthday cakes. No, they aren't Jehovah Witness's, they were worried they would be expected to buy a gift.

I have received exactly one card from them in 20 years. It was the year I had my daughter and DH was deployed. That's it. One card.

They always have one set of "preferred grandkids or great-grandkids". They completely ignore all of the other kids. Previously, the Preferred Kids were DH's sister's daughters. They grew up and did things the IL's didn't approve of. Now they have been booted out of their preferred status and there are a set of great-granddaughters in the Preferred Kids slot.

When we visited they completely ignored my kids, who are teens and very well behaved, UNTIL they wanted their computer and printer fixed. DS15 is a computer whiz and had their undivided attention for the entire time he was fixing the computer.

I'm soooo glad we moved closer!

 

[worm761]

I would be livid! That's ridiculous! Is your son old enough to realize that she chooses not to celebrate him?

Yes. DS is 16 years old. He was 8 when DH and I started dating. DH is very PO'ed about it. His father and step mother can not afford to buy gifts and that is OK. We don't want gifts. But they at least call and wish him a happy birthday. She doesn't acknowledge it any way. I don't understand the whole "not real family" thing with her. In my family, you are just family. Heck, we still keep in contact with my sisters ex step daughter and SDD's mother so we can see her.

 

[pyrxtc]

Same reason my MIL does not acknowledge any of my kids birthday or even Christmas for them ever since my SIL had he kid. It's like they don't exist anymore. We don't even see her unless we make the effort and my DH doesn't feel it worthy with the way we get ignored. As long as she doesn't want to move when we move, she always talked about living with us but it's not happening. She is only like 57.

 

[luvsJack]

My in-laws rarely acknowledge dd's birthday. We don't live right by them like most of the other grandkids.

When dd was younger and we had the big birthday parties where everyone was invited, she always bought dd a gift and came to the party. Now except for her aunt and cousin saying Happy Birthday on FB, nothing.

BUT, dd gets plenty of greetings and gifts from friends, my family, etc.

I don't point out that dh's mother hasn't acknowledged her birthday and dd has never said anything or expected things to be different. She knows her grandmother and grandfather love her; but she also knows she is not as close to them as some of the other grandkids. But, that's ok, she is closer to my mom that the other grandkids on my side of the family.



My only suggestion to you OP is not to make it an issue. You cannot change your MIL and you getting upset isn't going to do anything but stress you out. If your child questions it, just remind him that his grandmother loves him and not everyone gives birthdays the same importance and let it go. If you don't make it an issue, chances are he won't.