Going to DL with the ex, good idea or not?

[norcalmouse]

Short version: We (well mostly me) are moving towards divorce it looks like.
We function well as friends and travel partners but not much else, I'll
leave the rest of the story for other boards unless someone wants
the details. So, I am probably going to be moving out in Jan 07,
we have 4 kids (5, 8, 11, 13) and go to DL about once year. We usually
plan the trip about a year ahead of time and the kids are asking if we
will be going in 2007 since we skipped 2006. One of her fears is that I will
meet someone and we won't be doing any family trips anymore. We have
talked about a WDW/Cruise trip maybe in 07 but it seems you need to book
those way ahead of time so 07 may not be do-able.

Now the questions:
Does anyone do trips with the Ex, or
is it too painful for one or both parties, or too confusing for the kids?
If you have another partner, do you just go twice as much or has
anyone actually gone with ex and the new partner at the same time?

 

[ilovejack02]

No we dont travel with the ex because we cant stand each other lol. BUT since you do have some young children involved and the two of you get along I would def. travel together. If the kids were all teenagers id prob say why bother. The two of you meeting other people will have to be looked at in the future. Ideally the two of you will meet wonderful mates and the four of you will get along like champs... lets hope for that, but if doesnt happen like that the discussion of traveling together may have to be revisted. If you think the both of you can handle it , i think it would be good for the kids... the only question is sending mixed messages to the youngest. Are they getting back together etc..
Good luck try and have the best relationship with your ex.. go to counsling if need be. Be on the same page with discipline for the kids at ALL times.. because trust me when i say those kids will try to pit to parents against each other if they think they can. My DSS17 is a sweet kid but a little S#$%T when it comes to this and even though all of us know it he manages to start trouble every so often.

 

[bookmama]

This will be my first trip with my son's father. We're not together anymore but are still on good terms. If you and your soon-to-be-ex are on good terms then it would be fine. The children would probably enjoy a family get together expecially after a hard time like divorce. It's not like y'all will be staying in the same hnotel room. You could have a day to yourself and the kids can have a day with your ex.

hope this helps.

P.S. Set some ground rules. You know, no new girlfirends or boyfriends, Just parents and children.

 

[dzorn]

It's great that you get along now, but what happens while going thorugh the divorce. Until the divorce is final for at least a few years I think it would confuse the kids and give them hope when you should not. Hope you can work everything out to the benefit of the kids!

Densie

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Nothing to say one way or the other..but did just see a cute commerical of a family that did a weekend family trip. They look like a normal family...but at the end, you realize they are a divorced family as the dad hops out of the vehicle and thanks the mom for inviting him along.

If you function well as friends and travel partners and the kids have some kind of comprehension of that type of family dynamic, then the trip could work. It won't work if either parent has a false expectation that means that the family will continue as though nothing is wrong (i.e. it will get better or there will never be a divorce).

I wouldn't book the trip with the kids knowledge unless you know the trip would happen anyway should you guys split up and one opt to not make the trip. Life must go on and part of divorce is figuring out how that family dynamic will continue after the divorce. My sis' and i have troubles--the spouses of each of our dads is jealous that it is pulling teeth to have a combined showing for family events of us or our children. Sometimes we want to pok our eyes out b/c the steps are being so darn difficult. We often our biting our lips as we wish to just tell them to "grow up".

So when life moves on...whatever continued family dynamic you guys wish to see happen...it only happens with a new partner if they are accepting of that.

I'd book the trip--and be mindful of the cancellation policies and have a backup plan should that particular trip fall through. Doesn't sound like traveling together will be a problem. New partners is just a fact of splitting up and moving on.

 

[ryka]

We just came back from a trip to disney. I went with my ex, our 2 kids and my sister and niece. We haven't been together in 4 years. This was the first trip to Disney for all of us and he didn't want to miss the kid's first trip. We get along great so it wasn't a big deal.I stayed in the room with my sister and he stayed in the room with the kids. We had connecting rooms. I started already planning our trip for next year and he asked if he could go along again and I have no problem with it. We had a good time and it was a big help to have him there to help with the kids.

 

[norcalmouse]

Thanks for the responses so far. I added a poll for those
people that don't want to write a respone.
FYI, we are going thru counseling and have been for four months.
We also had another non-disney vacation planned that we both
agreed we would gone on no matter the status,
but IMHO DL is much more intense due to the family focus.

Bookmama, how soon after your split did you go?

Oh, as far as the kids pitting parents against one another,
they are already trying that and now I have started pitting
them against each other. Sometimes it is fun to mess
with their linear little minds LOL.

 

[Mono~rail]

Having been through a divorce myself, I voted to wait. Things may be friendly now, but once the divorce is actually set in motion, things will most likely get very ugly. I don't know any other way to say it. I've seen it happen more than a few times. At first things are nice, but once attorneys get involved and it all becomes "real" it goes downhill from there. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

 

[mom_of_5]

Went last month with soon to be ex and we all had a great time. I was a little worried at first the kids may get confused but they have been looking forward to this for 3 years, I did not want to dissapoint. Since soon to be and I get along fine with out fighting we figured it would work, it worked so well we may take them to the mountains together over Christmas since one of us taking 5 kids on any vacation would be a nightmare.
After we got back the kids adjusted fine and did not ask if dad was staying at home, maybe we were lucky. In any event I hope it works out for you, kids seeing their parents get along wheather together or not only benefits them and we all have to remember that.

 

[PoohPrincess76]

If you get along, go for it. Only you can decide. I would talk to your counselor about it as well. I can do dinners with my ex, but, I don't know if I could do a weekend or longer. Seperate rooms are definately at the top of the list. Good Luck!!!

 

[Lizzy2]

Anything you can do for the sake of the kids you should do- bottomline.
My BIL and ex SIL are really good at this and BIL's new wife is too. (by the way you shouldn't marry or be involved with anyone who's not your not a single you are a family even if you are divorced)They still do most holidays together and ex SIL attended the wedding to the new wife because the children were attendants. They do it because the kids deserve to have as much peace as possible. Its not their decision to get divorced its yours. Don't let them suffer needlessly. You CAN control your behavior and think of them first. Just do it .

 

[robinb]

I'm not divorced, but I can't see how this will turn out well. I think your kids will be too confused and will hope that you will get back together. When you're divorced you are no longer a family unit. I just don't understand why you would want to take a family vacation. I guess I must be missing something.

 

[penguin087]

If you can do it and there are not other partners involved I think it would be great. I've always admired divorced parents that are mature enough to do things like this.

 

[mom_of_5]

I'm not divorced, but I can't see how this will turn out well. I think your kids will be too confused and will hope that you will get back together. When you're divorced you are no longer a family unit. I just don't understand why you would want to take a family vacation. I guess I must be missing something.

Before I was seperated I would have agreed with you on this, way too confusing just get on with life without each other. But now that I am in the thick of it and we are ammicable it just makes sense for the kids. It was not their choice their father did what he did and broke up the family so they should not have to suffer any more than what is necessary (him not in the house). I have always tried to put my kids needs first and if that means playing nice with ex than so be it.
It would be nice if more couples could have a more ammicable divorce if only for the kids sake.

 

[pigletforever]

We went to WDW with ex when DS was 5. We had a great time and got along well at the time - things have changed in 12 years. DS has some wonderful memories from that trip. I am glad I could give that to him.

 

[rt2dz]

Once you have children, you are always a family--divorce or not. IF you can get along and IF everyone is on the same page BOTH now and then LATER (at the time of the trip), the family trip could be a wonderful thing for everyone. But that is a lot of IFs.

If you decide yes, then make sure there are things like two rooms. Cost of the kids should be split, but you and ex should pay your own ways. And make sure all of the details are hammered out from the beginning.

Good luck.

ETA--My next door neighbors are each on their second marriage. She barely speaks to her ex (left her when he found out she was pregnant, decided he didn't want to be a dad afterall). He and his ex-wife are on great terms. They not only share custody of their child, but help watch each others children from their second marriages. BTW, they got divorced when he found out she was cheating and was pregnant with the other guys baby. They put aside everything to make it work for their child and it definetly does. All four of them are friends (now) and excellent parents (always). They spend all holidays together and take trips together too.

 

[ilovejack02]

I'm not divorced, but I can't see how this will turn out well. I think your kids will be too confused and will hope that you will get back together. When you're divorced you are no longer a family unit. I just don't understand why you would want to take a family vacation. I guess I must be missing something.

It works out fine for those willing to try it, its really something you cant understand unless you have been divorced. I personally wouldnt take my ex to a weekend in Chattanooga or to the beach , but WDW is one of the biggest trips you will ever take esp if it is the kids first time. I would never want to deprive ex of seeing DS first time at WDW, its a special thing that both parents should be allowed to experience with the child.

 

[robinb]

It works out fine for those willing to try it, its really something you cant understand unless you have been divorced. I personally wouldnt take my ex to a weekend in Chattanooga or to the beach , but WDW is one of the biggest trips you will ever take esp if it is the kids first time. I would never want to deprive ex of seeing DS first time at WDW, its a special thing that both parents should be allowed to experience with the child.

Going to WDW or DL is exactly like going to the beach or to Chattanooga. If you wouldn't go to one with your ex, you shouldn't consider going to the other. I think some folks on the DIS have too much pixie dust in their eyes when it comes to Disney parks. It's not magical. Not really. It's just a place, the same as any other.

In addition, the OP is talking about an annual family trip. I just don't understand wanting to take an annual family vacation after spitting up. I think it's pretending to be the family you no longer are. It's like having sex with your ex. It's something that you always did, so why stop now?

I'm all for amicable divorces and putting the kids first, but I am still at a loss on how this could be a good idea ... So many of you think it is so I must still be missing something! I'll read more tomorrow. Night!

 

[norcalmouse]

Thanks for the opinions and experiences to date. I would just
like to remind everyone to respect others opinions and, yes,
no situations will be exactly the same, but it is always
interesting to hear what others think or have gone thru.
Anybody have any disaster stories (started out OK
and then decided never again)?

 

[robinb]

I would just like to remind everyone to respect others opinions and, yes, no situations will be exactly the same, but it is always interesting to hear what others think or have gone thru.

My goodness! No one is being disrespectful of others opinions. There is really no need to shake your virtual finger at us. ::cop: