Going next week - thinking of cxl'ing

[sillysully]

Have 3 kids - 13, 11 and 8. The two older girls are out of control with their behavior. Was taking them out of school for 3 days and had planned trip when they were doing well. Both are doing very poorly; last night 11 y.o. fell asleep before completing schoolwork - don't feel bad - she went out in the afternoon to play assuring me she didn't have much hw. 13 y.o. flat out refuses to do work at times and the other day was threatening to run away and jump out of car b/c I picked her up from her friend's house before everyone else was leaving! Thank God for the 8 y.o. He is my sanity right now. So I hate to punish him, too. What would you do?

 

[Tiger926]

I'm a Spec Ed teacher, so I'm just wondering if these behaviours are out of the norm? Do they normally behave like that? If so, then you knew this when you made the trip, so you had to expect that behaviour. If not, then you need to find out why they are acting like that?

I am concerned about daughter who fell asleep - are there sleep issues involved here? What is her daily schedule like? Do you have any mental or learning issues in your family? These are all questions I ask parents when they come to me with child issues.

I wish you luck in making your decision - you know your kids best, but based on your short message, I'm not sure what is going on, as you didn't really give much info at all, so I can't really help you decide on whether to cancel or not. That is a big decision.

As a highschool teacher of at-risk kids, I can tell you that "out of control" means a heck of a lot more than the behaviour you are describing. The older child with threatening to run away, is common at that age, but again, you need to make sure there are no other variables at play: drugs/alcohol, learning issues, ADHD, depression, etc, and if there isn't, then it's more than likely just normal teen behaviour, but that doesn't mean that you need to accept defiance at all times. She has to do some homework, and must abide by rules/curfew at some point, but I'm not sure if cancelling the trip will ensure this happening in the future.

Best of luck, Tiger

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

While you do want to know if anything unusual is going on - I think their behavior is pretty typical of tween and teens, JMHO. It's a rough time, there's a good book about it called The Rollercoaster Years by Giannetti and Sagarese, you could try the library or it's on Amazon. Anyway, as far as doing poorly in school you may have to get very involved with hopefully cooperative teachers 'cause kids probably won't give you the whole picture about what's going on. My DS's school has an online homework calendar which is awesome 'cause many times he'll "forget" about things he's supposed to do (middle school). Knowing the real story is a great help. I know lots of people that let kids put off homework until later in the evening but it's never worked for me - we have a rule they start at 4pm (gives them time to unwind a little, get a snack) and the fun stuff doesn't happen until homework is done.

As for whether to cancel your trip, only you can decide, but talking to the teachers about what the kids need to do, even while on a trip, might be productive. I understand there's more going on than school issues but if you think you can all have a fun, family bonding time on vacation - maybe that's a good thing? If you think the family would be miserable, maybe not?

Decide what's really important and pick your battles, otherwise you'll do nothing but battle. I'm a parent of similar age children and it's just my 2 cents. Maybe others will have more advice.

Good luck and hang in there

 

[Hannathy]

Totally normal behavior for that age!

It is very good that your 11 fell asleep doing her homework. sometimes the best way to learn a lesson is to suffer a bit! You can talk all you want about planning ahead, allotting her time, etc BUT until she has to go to school dead tired because she was up late it won't sink in. A couple more times and she will think twice before playing too long. And it is good she is learning this before HS and grades that REALLY count.

The 13 yr old angst is just that 13 yr old angst. Isn't it clear to you that you just hate her and strive to make her life miserable? I mean it is crystal clear to her!

Now how their actual schoolwork or grades are I can't say, that you have to decide. If those are terrible you have a quandry. But I think they are the same they were when you made the trip plans, kids don't usually change school work overnight. Teenage behavior yes but not day to day work unless there is a real problem.

Not every teen acting like a hormonal teen is a "special needs" diagnosis for heavens sake.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

The 13 yr old angst is just that 13 yr old angst. Isn't it clear to you that you just hate her and strive to make her life miserable? I mean it is crystal clear to her!

That cracked me up I've so been there, heard that!

 

[ms_missy66]

Maybe all of what's going is even ore reason to keep your plans. I don't have tweens/teens yet, but I remember being one. Perhaps your family will really benefit from this vacation where pressure is off, everyone gets a break and you come back together. You know?

I'm like you, though. Bad behavior doesn't fly with me either. I would totally thinking about cancelling too.

Good luck in making your decision.

 

[bellebud]

i think the family alone time might be good. i'd probably make them leave any cell phones at home so they can't be in touch w/ friends at home, being upset about what they're missing. it will also give them a break from everything (drama, girl friendships, etc). Although they act like tweens/teens because they're starting to pull away from family and it's all normal, they also need to know in the end, family is the most important thing, and you need to keep those bonds. I say still go.

 

[micheleq]

I used to teach middle school, hugs to you!

They are typical tweens. Puberty is rough and I would not want to go thru it again. If i had a nickel for every girl that ran into my classroom crying...7th graders were always the worst - is that your 13 y.o.?

Don't cancel, they may need some re-adjustments at home.

With the 11 y.o., create the rule that she has to do her hw first, then can go out and play. And you have to check it. If she has an assignment book, look at it when she gets home, help her prioritize what she needs to do and get her started. Or give her a set limit like 30 minutes to play (at 11 they still need to get out there and play!), then time to come in and get to work. Most kids at that age need help with organization and do not realize how long it can take them to do their homework. Like a PP said, it's the best age to learn this lesson.

PS - Ditto to the PP that said no cell phones for the kids on vacation! Oops, you forgot them at home! Whoa, what happened to the battery? Oh, no carger? Shucks...

Your 13 y.o. is going thru typical drama. Let her. Be calm, don't react to her and fuel the fire. She doesn't like your rules, too bad. Stay firm on your rules and when she breaks them, follow thru on your consequences. Kids need and want adults to set boundaries for them. Be the parents, not the friend. A vacation with a few days away from her friends (and her need to be super cool) might be a good thing. It's amazing how different teens can be when not under the judging eyes of their peers.

Good luck! My girls are little, but also two years apart. I know that the drama is coming my way soon enough

PS -- Ditto to the PP that said no cell phones for the kids on vacation. Ooops, left them at home! What happened to the battery? Left the charger at home? Aw, shucks...

 

[jillianml]

I believe with all my heart this is normal behavior for their ages!I have one in college and one in 5th grade.They are like night n day different!Hang in there!Not all kids are like robots,I wish mine were for like a second!LOL!I would use Disney as a chance to talk about whats been going on behavior wise.I would be like I know things have been tough lately,so we are going to take this opportunity to forget all our worries!Everyone start with a clean slate.Make it a rule that no one talks about the problems on vacate!Enjoy each other for the good things you see in them.Come back revived as a family and keep on keepin on!Thats all you can do!Good luck!My heart goes out to you as a mother,I feel you!

 

[badblackpug]

I will go against the grain. I would cancel in a heartbeat. I would never take kids out of school who are doing poorly. As for the behavior, it's typical adolescent behavior, but that doesn't make it tolerable. Sometimes you need to learn things the hard way. Reschedule the trip for next year and explain to them that the trip is contingent on their school work and behavior.

 

[jillianml]

I just read PP about the cell phones.I think I would take them so you can keep track of each other,safety issue.I have always let my kids text home on trips.It keeps em happy and they are with us not there friends!I know I text home too!Update my FB status!I really try to pick my battles.I let my kids think they have won a battle when really I let them win!Actually our last trip my DD had the choice to text her friends and was like dont they know we are on vacate!Truely amazing!There are no set rules I wish there was a text book for this kind of thing!Every child is different!

 

[tzolkin]

i think the family alone time might be good. i'd probably make them leave any cell phones at home so they can't be in touch w/ friends at home, being upset about what they're missing. it will also give them a break from everything (drama, girl friendships, etc). Although they act like tweens/teens because they're starting to pull away from family and it's all normal, they also need to know in the end, family is the most important thing, and you need to keep those bonds. I say still go.

I can't give any input about whether to go or not, but this is wonderful advice if you do decide to keep your plans.

 

[ShannonMB]

I don't know, I would sure have a hard time cancelling the trip, but that's for my own selfish reasons -- I'm sure you're dying to go, too! Are the girls super excited for the trip? Or do they not even want to go? Maybe the 2 oldest could be made to stay home with dad while you and the youngest go? Just throwing ideas out there. I do think that if they are actually doing poorly in school, missing 3 days is probably not a good idea.

As far as not getting the homework done, I know I have been through that with my own DD, who is 9. She is ALL about playing with her friends after school if they are around, and I've heard the "I don't have much, I promise I'll get it done later!" Only to find out she did have a challenging math paper and she's up at 9:30 (past her bedtime) now way too tired to comprehend the work. I have really had to put my foot down this year and require that she do her homework after a snack and then SHOW it to me before going to play. Some kids are super self-motivated about getting their work done (I was!), so I was really surprised to get this kid who would play all day and all night -- homework be darned! I know that if she doesn't get good study habits now, it'll only get WAY worse as she gets older, so I'm micromanaging her at the moment, trying to reign it in now. So in a way, I kinda blamed myself for her not getting the work done earlier. She's a kid, she wants to play. I'm the grown up who decides if/when she plays. Whether or not you decide to take the girls on the trip, I suggest a pretty strict work, THEN play environment after school.

Best of luck! I am already starting to see glimpses of what a drama filled few years we have ahead of us!

 

[JLR]

Have 3 kids - 13, 11 and 8. The two older girls are out of control with their behavior. Was taking them out of school for 3 days and had planned trip when they were doing well. Both are doing very poorly; last night 11 y.o. fell asleep before completing schoolwork - don't feel bad - she went out in the afternoon to play assuring me she didn't have much hw. 13 y.o. flat out refuses to do work at times and the other day was threatening to run away and jump out of car b/c I picked her up from her friend's house before everyone else was leaving! Thank God for the 8 y.o. He is my sanity right now. So I hate to punish him, too. What would you do?

I agree with many of the other posters that testing behaviors at that age are normal, but you will still want to do something about them. It seems like cancelling Disney would be punishing you and your son as well as the girls.

Can I recommend a (short) book that might give you discipline ideas? Ignore it if you don't want it! But Active Parenting of Teens is the textbook that goes with a very good parenting class. At the clinic where I worked we offered this parenting class to families who were on the waiting list for family therapy. about 3/4 of the families who completed the class no longer needed family therapy!

Some ideas for logical consequences iare to tie freedom to responsibility and explain things with references to the real world. So homework has to be done on time - if it is not, it still has to be done but now there are extra assignments (this is like paying your bills - if you don't pay on time, you still have to pay but now you have an additional fee). When the homework and extra assignments are done then she is free to have her normal activities with peers. Also if having you pick her up early is so distressing, maybe she needs to stay home: give her the choice: be cool or stay home. Now I know I am over simplifying it, but please don't assume your girls are becoming bad or that you are a bad parent. it is just that as kids transition out of middle childhood into teen years, they often need different techniques to help them learn. Best of luck to you!

 

[kacaju]

13 y.o. flat out refuses to do work at times and the other day was threatening to run away and jump out of car b/c I picked her up from her friend's house before everyone else was leaving!

Sorry, I don't consider this normal. I have a dd16 and dd14 and we have had our share of fights and they never pulled crap like this.

 

[TN Hockey Mom]

Phyllis Diller said it best:

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

My 9 year old threatens to run away all the time. I remind him that I know better, he won't even play upstairs by himself if it's storming outside. He's even "pretended" to run away before. He has made it to the curve in our neighborhood that we can still see from our house. When he realizes we're not coming after him he always comes back.

He also threatens to jump out of the car if he's in trouble or mad that we're leaving before he's ready (such as the park this past Wednesday night).

I try not to let him get a rise out of me. I either don't acknowledge such nonsense or I offer to help him pack before he runs away or offer to stop the car before he jumps out. Sometimes I'll just tell him to stop being silly. When he realizes I'm not going to argue with him he usually lets it go.

I wouldn't cancel the trip. If you're like me, you can use the vacation more than the kids. Also, I've found when we get away from everything and everybody, just the 4 of us, all of the craziness gets left at home. It's nice to seem normal for a few days.

 

[momto2js]

If the words "if you don't shape up, I am cxling this trip" you have no choice. If they continue the behavior and you go, they will know that you are not willing to follow through and make tough choices. I think kids need to know that you don't make threats I make promises.

If those words have not been used I'd go if it isn't going to effect their school work.

Tough call.

 

[Hannathy]

I try not to let him get a rise out of me. I either don't acknowledge such nonsense or I offer to help him pack before he runs away or offer to stop the car before he jumps out. Sometimes I'll just tell him to stop being silly. When he realizes I'm not going to argue with him he usually lets it go.

I love it! I do the same sort of thing. If one of mine starts with the other one is getting more or treated better, etc I just look at them very seriously and say. "yep you're right, that's because I love him/her (depending on who's complaining) so much more, they are my favorite" "Darn you caught me" They know in their heart it isn't true but at the time it usually is enough to snap them out of their grousing and realize how silly they sound.

Don't worry OP with girls they only act like this till about............33.

 

[ShannonMB]

My mom always said, "You know, I love you more than anything in the world and I want nothing but the best life for you. If you can find another mother who would raise you better, I wish you the best of luck and I won't stand in your way."

 

[Kimberly Hill]

My mom always said, "You know, I love you more than anything in the world and I want nothing but the best life for you. If you can find another mother who would raise you better, I wish you the best of luck and I won't stand in your way."

My mom said "I'll help you pack." Worked on my boys too. I couldn't say it to the little because she has abandonment issues but boy did it take the wind out of her brothers' sails!