Girl advice please - rather long - SORRY!

[Stacy's a freak]

Advice please...

I have a problem with a friend of mine. She and I (and another woman) have been the inseparable "girls" for about 5 years now. We have seen each other through childbirth, divorce (me), and many other difficult situations and our friendship has only gotten stronger by it. However, at times, each individual "girl" finds a new friend and it seems that at least one of the other two get slightly jealous. Now for my current problem...

I have been spending a lot of time with a new male friend. All of the "girls" are friends with this male friend ... or we all seemed to be until lately. About a week ago, one of the "girls" ("B"), starting acting strangely about this male friend. So confessed finally and asked if anything is "going on" with me and this male friend. Even though there are definite feelings there on both sides, both the male friend and I decided not to pursue things (at this point) since he and I both are going through divorces and that the time just isn't right for us. Without going into detail, I told my girlfriend "B" that we were not a couple. She then expressed concern about me becoming involved with this man because she felt that he was becoming possessive of me. We discussed it for a few minutes and I thought that things were resolved. But now things seem to be going downhill with me and "B". "B" also told the other girl, "J" about confronting me and her feelings. "J" agreed that it was good to talk about it, but said to me that she was feeling that "B" was acting possessive; that both "B" and "J" have husbands and/or families to be with and that there should be nothing wrong with me spending my free time with a friend other than "B" and "J". After all, I'm single and have husband or children to occupy my time.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had originally made plans with "B" and "J" and their husbands/children to ride around town and look at Christmas lights (a holiday tradition for us). Another commitment came up for "B" and her husband so they asked if we would be available to go on Thursday (tonight). I explained that I had plans with my male friend (who happened to be in the room when "B" told us that she had another commitment and would have to rearrange the Christmas light trip). Unfortunately, "J" and her husband and "B"s husband weren't able to go on Thursday, but I was happy to incorporate the Christmas light trip into my night with the male friend, but suddenly "B" got weird and quiet as soon as I suggested that the male friend come too. Honestly, I had made plans with my male friend first and it is HE, if anyone, that should be upset about a change in those plans, right?! I noticed her expression but let it go.

This brings us to today. Of course, work was extra stressful and I was NOT in a good mood coming home. I called "B" when I got home to let her know that I was about to leave to meet her. I again asked if she was OK with the male friend going. Again, a flat "that's fine" was her answer. I even asked if she would rather it be a girls' night, and she said "it's fine" again. Clearly, she didn't want him there. We hung up and I was ANGRY! I immediately called back (never a good idea) and confronted her about her attitude and explained that this is making me uncomfortable. I broke down in tears from the stress of the day and this situation and told her that I was in no shape to be sociable tonight and that I was going to have to back out of seeing the lights. Now, my male friend didn't know anything about this situation at all. I honestly didn't want to tell him for fear of hurting his feelings. It's obvious that "B" has some problem with him, but she isn't telling me what it is. Well, since the male friend saw me crying about it, I had to tell him. AND, because of this, I was forced to ask him if we could not get together tonight because I wouldn't be very good company.

*sigh* I'm sorry this is so long, but I would really like some advice. What do I do? Do I alienate my male friend to appease "B"? Do I alienate "B" to appease me? Worse yet... what happens if this male friend and I DO decide, someday, to be a couple?! I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening.

 

[momof2inPA]

I honestly can't tell from your post whether your male friend is acting too possessive or your friend is just a woman with a little (maybe a lot) of growing up to do. Maybe they are just worried about you since your divorce is not yet final and think you are moving too fast for your own good. I think I would back away from the guy for a couple weeks and see how he reacts, because maybe your friends are right and you just can't see it. If he is really a friend, a few weeks won't make any difference.

 

[2BigKIdz]

If you are enjoying the company of your male friend and don't feel like he is being possessive I wouldn't back off from him. Just from your post, it sounds like your female friend is jealous, whether it is his taking her time from you or what. My best friend and I went through this in high school. She hated my boyfriend (now my husband) and treated him pretty badly. 16 years later and she thinks of him as the brother she never had. Give your friend some time, I would just ignore her snide remarks and continue on like normal. She will get over it or she is not as good a friend as she should be. Make sure to set aside time for each individually too.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Could that friend also be involved with your "male" friend? Sounds probable to me.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

Thanks for the advice, all! It seems that my female friend was a bit jealous that we haven't been spending much alone time together. She seemed to think that our "group" time was happening more than the alone time.

As far as my male friend and her having a thing, I would think that is unlikely as my female friend is married and it's just not in her character to do that. But I can see where a person might wonder about that.

We've talked a bit about this, and my male friend now knows the situation, and I guess it will just take time to see how things develop. But I agree also about stepping back from my male friend for a bit to see how he reacts.

Thanks again! What a crazy thing to happen RIGHT before the holidays. Who knows? The stress of the holidays could be another contributing factor in this weirdness!

 

[Disney Doll]

You rmale friend doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

Your female friend "B" sounds like an immature possessive brat.

Your friend "J" sounds OK...doesn't seem she is having as much of a problem with your friendship with the male as "B" is having.

Newsflash for both married female friends: There will be times when they don't want you around due to wanting "family time". You are single (or soon to be) with no ties, no children...you should not have to live your life according to what your two married friends think. When they have to be with their families and husbands, are you just supposed to sit home alone??? Or wait to be at their beck and call???

I say that if you enjoy time with male friend, then spend time with male friend. Tread carefully for your own sake of not getting involved too soon after a divorce...take time to figure out who you are, what happened in your marriage so you avoid the same mistake, and what you want in a partner. But I wouldn't put off a friendship with this nice male friend because one of your immature female freinds is jealous.

 

[Sparx]

Your male friend has done nothing wrong. J has done nothing wrong. Its B that has done something wrong. B is upset because she feels like she is loosing a friend, but that is still no excuse.

 

[barkley]

my dh had many more female friends than male. many of them were women he might have been interested in but viewed him as "a best friend or brother", and being the person he is-he accepted their feelings and developed deep friendships with them.

while they (publicly) welcomed me and were friendly during our dating, i found that once we married i held an entirely different status with them. i was "tolerated"-while i was "welcomed" into their homes, i was never truly welcomed into their "circle of friends".

years of reflection have left me with the impression that some women (subconsiously) encourage friendships with men as a means of having a "back up" should their current relationship falter or the self esteem decrease. they resent not that the their male friiend has found thier life mate, but rather that their "emotional safety net" has collapsed.

do not take this personaly, it may be that your friend is not aware of her behaviour. i would continue to move forward in the manner beneficial to yourself (and children if any), and understand that some friendships have a limited duration. be thankful for the good times, and be tolerant of the difficult.

 

[epcotfan]

You rmale friend doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

Your female friend "B" sounds like an immature possessive brat.

Your friend "J" sounds OK...doesn't seem she is having as much of a problem with your friendship with the male as "B" is having.

Newsflash for both married female friends: There will be times when they don't want you around due to wanting "family time". You are single (or soon to be) with no ties, no children...you should not have to live your life according to what your two married friends think. When they have to be with their families and husbands, are you just supposed to sit home alone??? Or wait to be at their beck and call???

I say that if you enjoy time with male friend, then spend time with male friend. Tread carefully for your own sake of not getting involved too soon after a divorce...take time to figure out who you are, what happened in your marriage so you avoid the same mistake, and what you want in a partner. But I wouldn't put off a friendship with this nice male friend because one of your immature female freinds is jealous.

Everything Disney Doll said. Oh and it might be good to stay away from "B" friend for awhile. She needs to get over herself and grow up.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

my dh had many more female friends than male. many of them were women he might have been interested in but viewed him as "a best friend or brother", and being the person he is-he accepted their feelings and developed deep friendships with them.

while they (publicly) welcomed me and were friendly during our dating, i found that once we married i held an entirely different status with them. i was "tolerated"-while i was "welcomed" into their homes, i was never truly welcomed into their "circle of friends".

years of reflection have left me with the impression that some women (subconsiously) encourage friendships with men as a means of having a "back up" should their current relationship falter or the self esteem decrease. they resent not that the their male friiend has found thier life mate, but rather that their "emotional safety net" has collapsed.

do not take this personaly, it may be that your friend is not aware of her behaviour. i would continue to move forward in the manner beneficial to yourself (and children if any), and understand that some friendships have a limited duration. be thankful for the good times, and be tolerant of the difficult.

I'm not sure i'm getting this. Do you think that "B" is trying to string along a friendship with the male friend if her marriage falls apart thereby resenting my friendship with him?

Or do you think that I'm stringing along a friendship to boost my own self esteem?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You say you are not divorced yet? I would think you have to get people time to adjust.

Did you lean on her heavily through the "bad" and now that you are "good" she gets left out of that part?
I can see where resentment could crop up there.

 

[barkley]

I'm not sure i'm getting this. Do you think that "B" is trying to string along a friendship with the male friend if her marriage falls apart thereby resenting my friendship with him?

Or do you think that I'm stringing along a friendship to boost my own self esteem?

i don't think anyone is stringing anyone along-your female friend may not even be consiously aware of it. it's just that for some married women it is comforting to have a male friend who is attentive and not in a committed relationship (or one that will lead to a committed relationship). it's kind of like that high school dynamic wherein a guy realy likes you but you're not interested in him "that way", but you enjoy having him around and attentive, someone you can confide in (and not be in competition with, as some women feel they always are with other women, even their best friends).

i think you and the male friend have a history, and it could be a good thing for both of you to be seeing each other right now-you are both fully aware of what the other is going through and what challenges that incurs.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I also agree with everything Disney Doll stated.

I'll echo and add:

1.) Enjoy yourself.
2.) Don't limit your experiences and joy because of other people's expectations of you and your life.
3.) Do limit information you give about your plans if it will get your friend's feathers ruffled.
4.) Be happy. It's one thing for your friend to be concerned for you and want to spend more time with you. It's another for her to make you miserable about your choices. ETA- Don't give her that power.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

You say you are not divorced yet? I would think you have to get people time to adjust.

Did you lean on her heavily through the "bad" and now that you are "good" she gets left out of that part?
I can see where resentment could crop up there.

I think this observation is a good one. I definitely relied heavily on "B" and "J" during the difficult times and "B" DID say that she felt like she lost some of her "go-to" status. Thank you for helping me see this!

Oceanannie ... how did you know that guilt plays a HUGE part in my life?! I do put a lot of weight on how people view/feel about me. I'll try to remember this too.