Gifts for pregnant friend stuck in hospital? - UPDATED: Another ?

[AMcaptured]

I want to suggest a manacurist also. I was in the hospital for a long time about 3 years ago and a friend who does nails for a living stopped by and did my nails and I felt 1000 times better afterwards. Also, so many nurses, etc would come in and say, don't your feet look pretty. It was truly the best medicine. A lot of time you can't keep finger nail polish on but no one said anything about my feet, it was a treat.

 

[kennancat]

I was waiting to get over my cold before I went to go see her (figured she didn't need that on top of everything else). The day before I planned to call and see how she was doing, she ended up delivering the babies. Unfortunately, one did not make it. The other is in serious condition but improving.

I should probably give some more background here - she is a friend, but I'd say just on the friend side of the acquaintance/friend line. We met through a professional organization and have been out to dinner a few times with our spouses, who have also gotten along well. So I want to be careful not to do anything that makes them uncomfortable. I feel really bad that I didn't call or email earlier - I was thinking I'd wait until I got better and they'd have a lot of company at first. Future lesson for anyone else out there: call or email now!

So, here's the next question I need help with. I was going to pick up a sympathy card tomorrow and send it to them. My husband suggested that I get a congratulatory card for them for the surviving child. At first I rejected that idea, but then I started thinking maybe it was a good thing to do. After all, they do have a new daughter, which is a joyous event even though there's the sadness of the loss of their other baby. I just don't want to make them feel worse. What do you all think?

 

[Kahana-ri]

I had a girl friend that was on bed rest for six weeks in the hospital becuase she was having triplets. I snuck her Chinese food and she loved it! Books to read, stationary, latest gossip mags, and plenty of baby books. Nothing could prepare my friend well enough for three little girls all at once!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is a sad update....I am so sorry. I think I would wait on the cards. I don't know.

 

[ntburns22]

That is so sad. I don't know what I would do in this situation. Maybe just send some "thinking of you" flowers.

 

[mickeyboat]

That is so sad. I don't know what I would do in this situation. Maybe just send some "thinking of you" flowers.

I agree with this. So sad.

Also, how about trying to find a premie outfit to being to the hospital? Hannah was a premie, and she didn't even get to put on an outfit until she was over a week old. The outfit was one that the hospital had, and she swam in it. I had a shower after she was born and one of the nicest things I got was two premie outfits and some premie socks.

Denae

 

[GEM]

Well, if this little one was born at 24 weeks (and a twin at that), he or she won't be wearing any outfits for a long time. My little one was born at 27 weeks, but he was about the size of a 23 weeker (1 lb and 7oz) due to some growth issues. For the first two months or so he was on a ventilator and had about 8 million tues, wires, monitors, IVs, etc in every possible spot on his body. He couldn't wear anything at all. And, even when he got a little stronger and some of that stuff was disconencted, he was still too way to little for the preemie outfits from the stores. Those are made for babies in the 4 to 5 pound range, mostly. Paul came home from the hospital at just over 3 months old, weighing 3lb and 10oz. We had to special order all his clothes for a while! Something special that they could save for later might be nice, though.

Flowers for mom would be nice. And food, as mentioned. One thing I appreciated was a big basket of crossword puzzles, books, magazines, etc. Paul was in the hospital for just over 3 months, and I spent about 8 hours at his bedside every single day of that! Reading material saved my life!

As for the cards, that's tough. I remember being bitterly disappointed when Paul was born that all around me in the hospital were mothers getting flowers and candy and happy cards and stuffed animals - and I was getting sympany and "thinking of you" cards. Yes, my baby was very sick, but I still wanted to celebrate his birth. I was still glad I had him! I remember to this day the few people that sent me "normal" new baby cards and gifts - and I still appreciate it. Of course, the death of the other baby makes your friends situation different. I'm not really sure what would be the best way to handle that . . .

The road in the NICU, especially for a very tiny and sick baby, is long and very, very scary. Those first few weeks are like living perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting for the phone call or news from the doctor that will push you over the edge. I know you said you aren't close friends, but I do think it's great that you want to reach out to this woman and her family - even in a very small way. She's going to need it.

 

[Huggles]

I'm sure the hospital staff would be quite willing to give you some advice on 'protocol' re cards etc when one twin has not survived. They must have dealt with the situation before and will understand your anxiety.

Slightly different situation..I had a friend whose first child did not survive. Her second was born and we gave the family, along with a present for the newborn, two bushes/trees for their garden. The idea, which they grasped quickly, was that they had a representation of their two boys and could watch them both grow. They seemed very pleased with the idea.

We also have a hospice fundraising every Xmas called 'Light up a life'. You can dedicate a light on the local Xmas tree in memory of a loved one. Each year we do this in the name of their baby and they receive a card saying that this has been done in their child's name. Perhaps there is something like this which you could do at Xmas so that they know their loss has not been forgotten...our friend certainly appreciates it every year as she says some people don't think about their loss whereas they remember it every day.

 

[m&m's mom]

I had very close to the same situation as GEM. My DD was 1lb 5 ozs when she was born.
I think the preemie outfit is a great idea. Yes, they can't wear it for a while but it was validation for me that I indeed was a Mom. You cannot control almost every aspect of your child being a preemie- the Dr's and nurses are in control. It is almost like they are the parents until you take them home. Even right before DD came home I had to ask permission every time to even pick her up and she was incredibly stable.
I was also very sad that everyone around me acted like her being born was a tragedy. "Oh, I am so sorry" when she was ALIVE! They were trying to acknowledge the reality of her very fragile beginnings but it still hurt.
Now, I am not sure about the losing of the one child. I think the card is nice but I definitely agree to celebrate the surviving child.
BTW, Gymboree has preemie outfits now and they are almost always on sale as they must not sell that well.


Bottom line - you can never go wrong celebrating the birth of a child!

 

[mrsltg]

Something acknowledging both children would be nice. This poor woman is being torn in two directions right now - one is to be thrilled her one baby is here (albeit tenuously at this point), the other is grieving for her lost baby. Have they named the children? Could you get them something personalized? Acknowledging the baby that died is just as, if not more, important as the one that lived. Letting the parents know that you are so sad for their loss is important.

Good luck!

Erin

 

[stm61]

I was there myself and the only thing that saved my sanity was the fact that I still had 2 babies in NICU who were going to make it. Make sure someone has taken pics of the one they lost. She may not be able to deal with them now, but she'll want to see them at some time in the future. See how she wants to handle it, some families just don't speak of the lost child much, others do. An outfit for the funeral might be needed also.

 

[kennancat]

Thanks everybody for your ideas. Their last email asked for some private time with their family that has come from out of town, so I'm planning to not try to call them or initiate any kind of contact that would require a response until they indicate that they're ready for that. I'll definitely at least send a sympathy card for now and put something in it about how we're glad to hear that their daughter is improving and hope that it continues. I'm thinking when it looks like she's really doing well and getting near ready to come home, then I'll send another card/gift. Frankly, I hate to even say this out loud , but I'm afraid to send a card for her and then have something bad happen. As someone else pointed out, she still has a long fight ahead of her in the NICU. I thought about sending flowers, but then I thought maybe something like a donation to March of Dimes in the baby's name would be better. We should see some other friends who also know this couple this weekend, so I'll talk to them and see if they have any input too.