Getting re-married? - Looking for others experiences / thoughts

[Marbles90]

First some background on me: I am a Dis vet and Im using a different user name for this post. Several years ago, I posted about my 18 year marriage ending. I wont go through the details but due to her being a stay at home mom and me with the job and career, I had to cover a long duration of alimony and child support. In lieu of payments, I worked out a settlement to pay her a good size lump sum. So between the lump sum and her getting half the assets, she walked away with just about everything we had built up and saved leaving me cash poor. But with my career and salary, I was ok with it because I knew I could make up the $$ over time.

My first reaction to my marriage ending was to get back on the horse and to start dating. I was lucky to meet and date many women over the course of the first year I was single. However, when I met my current girlfriend, I was done. She is my perfect Disney princess. We have been together for about 2 ½ years and we are currently living together. We are both very happy.

She is 32 years old - 12 years younger than I am, never been married and never had kids. She has a job in health care that she loves but it pays terrible (compared to what I make). She has nothing saved in fact she was deeply in debt when I met her. Over the last 2 years she almost out of it thanks mostly to me covering her living expenses while she put her income to her debt.

Now the $64,000 dilemma: Of course she wants to get married and have kids and she wants to stay at home with them. I love this girl to death and would love nothing more than to be married to her and have a family with her. And I consider myself very lucky to even been given this almost second life opportunity. But I have 2 big issues. First, I cannot stomach going through another divorce. Emotionally I think I would be better prepared but I dont think I would be able to recover again financially especially since I would be in the same boat with alimony and child support. And certainly if we had kids, I cant imagine putting the kids through what my kids have been through. As for having kids, I am 44 years old. I am in great physical shape and I am more like a guy in his late 30s, but the thought of having teenagers while I am in my 60s (especially if they are girls again), also makes me queasy not to mention starting to save for college education again. I am getting sticker shock now as my teenagers are starting the process. I cant imagine it again in 20 years.

Any thoughts or experiences to share in this situation? I know we can do a pre-nupt but I am not sure how well it will hold up if it is ever needed as things in year 1 when the agreement is written, get very blurred as years pass. I guess I am looking for other folks in a similar situation who have taken the plunge and those who didnt. What has worked out and what have been your regrets? Any advice?

 

[Gigi22]

If you have been living together for over 2 years and you are covering day-to-day expenses for both of you, depending on where you live, you may already be (nearly) as good as married in the eyes of the law.
It isn't very romantic, but why don't you find a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand? You should bring a copy of your divorce decree and any support agreement that you have with your ex. with you.

 

[tinker&belle]

Unfortunately I have no advice for this question but I remember your story and divorce from years back and am so happy for you! Best of luck figuring it out.

This isn't quite the advice you are looking for but I have heard in you situation it is better to have two life insurance policies. One for new spouse and one for kids from marriage one. Best wishes!

 

[drcmk]

I think the real question here is whether you want to have more kids. The financial concerns are secondary and your girlfriend only becomes financially dependent on you if you have kids together. You need to do some soul-searching and decide whether it is the best thing for you, for your children and for your finances for you to have more children. Once you know for sure what you want, it is time to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend to find out if your plans for the future are compatible.

 

[mrsklamc]

I think you should go to couples counseling. Just to have a neutral party help you both work through what you want.

 

[sk!mom]

My youngest is 17 and truly an awesome kid and the joy of our lives. I'm already dreading this time next year when we'll be packing her off to college. She is a delight. All that said, would DH or I start over with another child? Hell, no!!!

Only you can answer but it sounds as if you do not want to start over. Maybe a compromise, one child and she is a working mom rather than stay at home.
The up side is that you know what you're getting into with marriage and parenthood so you should be able to make a very informed decision.

 

[jedijill]

You guys need to get on the same page on the big issues like finances and kids. Sounds like you want very different things. I would second the counseling suggestion by a PP.

Jill in CO

 

[a742246]

I am a little like you, divorced at 45, remarried at 47. We are all different in our 40's than in our 20's. If you believe that she is the one than go for it.
You have been together 2 years now so you should know each other pretty well,just think positive, learn from past mistakes, and have a good atitude, with that, I don't see why your life together can not last forever.

As for kids, you will probably appreciate them more now then ever before. You just may want to set a limit on the amount. LOL

As for me I have been happily married for 10 years now.

I hope this helps.

 

[ceecee]

My DH is 11 yrs older than I am, it was my first marriage, his second. I probably wouldn't have gone out with him at all had we known our ages were so far apart, he stills looks a lot younger than his age! I was 28 and he knew I wanted kids, I had no debt and some savings as did he. I agreed to work with kids and he was open to that. 23 years later we have a 17 yr old DD and I am still working PT! We are both on the same page regarding $ and savings and we have a strong religious background. The first few years were difficult in that we had to deal with his Ex and his son (who was 12 and did not accept me). Then we dealt with infertility issues and ended up adopting our baby, which is very costly! And which is why we have only one. But it's been worth it all, He is my Prince Charming! There are no guarantees, but good luck!

 

[sweetdana]

So 1) I applaud you for being honest with yourself. It takes a lot to look ahead at what could be. To sit back and realize what you want, and use logic as well as heart.

2 think about what you can/ will give on and what you won't. Ie I can give in on kids. i would love to have kids woth you.....but I cannot not be set responsible for you and jr.... holding me financial to you for 18 yrs. ie you want kids you still have to work. We do this together.

3) tell her no divorces period. Sounds stupid simple right? ...but it is. Tell her of she walks it is before you say I do. I will not get divorced again specially if we have kids. I cannot do it. ( I told this to my dh adding I don't believe in divorce, I don't think there is anything we cannot figure out with love and with the goals of staying a family together.)

4) after you figure out what you can/ will compromise have a heart to heart. blunt and honest and all on the table. See if it meets her goals. Ie maybe she wanted to be a Sah mom but would work if it meant keeping you and having jr. And make sure your goals can be met.

Her not willing to compromise, or you for that matter means it prolly won't work out forever anyway. Maybe goals cannot be met, but if so figure it out sooner not later.

Good luck.

 

[Lisa71]

Have her get an education so you both do not feel stuck. Then marry her and have a baby and let her stay home. Just my opinion. I love happy Disney endings but I am a realist and she needs to have a job for 18 years from now that can get a retirement and some security.

 

[southlakejr]

Well, my perspective is probably a bit different.

My parents divorced when I was five, and my dad remarried when I was ten. My dad wasnt necessarily sold on getting married again, or having more children. He did both. One of my half brothers was born when he was 44, the other at 47. My dad has always been in great physical shape- think mountain climbing and triathlons. But I still noticed a lot of differences in his parenting at an older age.

My dad is not as patient with my brothers as he was with my sister and I. He never crawled around on the floor with them, and he was a lot more creative and playful with my sister and me. It wasnt so much physical energy, I just dont know that he had the same emotional energy with them, if that makes sense.

There were a lot of tensions in family dynamic s as well. My stepmom was a bit resentful of my sister and me- this was her first marriage and her first children. We were reminders that it wasn't the same for my dad. My dad went through periods of resentment wih my stepmom that were palpable even to outsiders. She was the one who pushed to have kids, but she often left him to watch the boys while she went out with friends.

Truthfully, my relationship with my dad has never been the same. My dad is fantastic, and we get together somewhat regularly, but I cant really say that we're close. He missed out on a lot of my life while the boys were very young- which happened to coincide with my high school years. Its hard not to feel that my dad went on to have a new family- and my sister and I are not a part of it. (A lot of my dad's coworkers, etc are actually a little surprised to find that my dad has more than two children) Lest you think this comes from a place of bitterness or resentment, my stepmom and I get along very well now, and I adore my brothers.

If you're going to do this- do an honest assessment of how you feel about having children all over again, how you're going to incorporate two families, and if you are getting married because you want to, really want to. Good luck!

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

Dude,

You sound like you are going through a midlife crisis. If said young girlfriend does get pregnant, you will probably grow tired of her, just like you grew tired of your first wife.

And two sets of kids...

Are you really ready for that?

I don't think so. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

Let her go, move on, and just enjoy your freedom.

 

[Darcy03231]

DH and I got married when I was 35 and he was 43. We'd both been previously married and both had children (we each have 2).

I always said if I hadn't had any, DH would have been in for one. He agreed, although I would have continued working.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your girlfriend to want a child(ren) nor do I think its unreasonable that you might not want anymore. This is something you really need to resolve before getting married. Maybe you both compromise and have one child, but she continues working, at least part-time. This an also be important because with your age difference if something happens to you, as the primary wage earner, and she has been out of the workforce for a long period of time, things could go not so well for her.

I agree with the PP who suggested couples counseling. I can't hurt and it might be easier to talk through all of this with a counselor.

Good luck!

 

[mrsklamc]

Have her get an education so you both do not feel stuck. Then marry her and have a baby and let her stay home. Just my opinion. I love happy Disney endings but I am a realist and she needs to have a job for 18 years from now that can get a retirement and some security.

At 32, her biological clock may not allow time for education before kids.

 

[dennise]

32 is not too old to get more education, I went back to school at 36, after being out for 16 years. You appreciated it more and I have been employed ever since graduation, I now have 25 years in with my current employer. Going back to school was one of the best decisions I ever made. I had 3 children and a part time job at the time so it wasn't an easy year.

 

[mrsklamc]

I wasn't saying 32 is too old to get an education, you can do that at any age. Unfortunately, fertility starts dropping at 30 and even faster at 35. Yes, many women have children older than this but many are also stunned to realize they've missed the opportunity so young.

 

[Pigeon]

You both want different futures. Find someone your own age instead of the trophy wife.

I would take the advice of the pp whose father did pretty much what you are suggesting to heart.

 

[Narnia_girl]

I really do wish you well, but most importantly, I wish your children well. I would also strongly consider this before you leap. The previous poster who had lived through this is a great example of reality.

You point out that you can't stand the thought of another divorce so you might consider that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. It's not impossible to have a successful second marriage, obviously, but the likelihood of divorce does increase.

 

[Marbles90]

Thank you all for the great replies and feedback. I will attempt to respond to some of it:

If you have been living together for over 2 years and you are covering day-to-day expenses for both of you, depending on where you live, you may already be (nearly) as good as married in the eyes of the law.

No, in the state I live in, there is no common law marriage.

I remember your story and divorce from years back and am so happy for you! Best of luck figuring it out.

Amazing you remember! Thanks for the kind wishes

I think the real question here is whether you want to have more kids. The financial concerns are secondary and your girlfriend only becomes financially dependent on you if you have kids together.

I agree 100% with this. Marriage is not really the issue. If we just get married and live on as today, if we were to split it would be much cleaner especially with a pre-nupt.

I think you should go to couples counseling.

This is a good idea. We have great communication and we talk about this all the time. Some days she is apprehensive about children too especially as she deals with my teenage girls. I dont see this as a stake in our relationship, yet. But it can easily get there.

would DH or I start over with another child? Hell, no!!!

If you told me I would be in this situation 5 years ago, I would have said hell no, too!!

Maybe a compromise, one child and she is a working mom rather than stay at home.
The up side is that you know what you're getting into with marriage and parenthood so you should be able to make a very informed decision.

I am a little like you, divorced at 45, remarried at 47.
As for kids, you will probably appreciate them more now then ever before. You just may want to set a limit on the amount.

We have agreed it would be only 1 if we did it and due to my age, while we can wait on getting married, we will need to put the kid issue to bed sooner than later. I am more worried about my clock than hers.

Have her get an education

She has a 4 year degree and a double major so I dont know why folks thinks she is not educated. She is in a health care field that pays ok but not nearly what I make

you grew tired of your first wife. Let her go, move on, and just enjoy your freedom.

You both want different futures. Find someone your own age instead of the trophy wife.

I appreciate the advice here (for the record my ex grew tired of me, cheated and walked out not the other way around). And sometimes I think I should be with someone my own age that has already had kids etc. or even just stay single. Freedom has its advantages!! But I am very sure about this princess. After my divorce, I dated many ladies of all different ages. Most had been divorced and in some cases, I was struggling to find out why. While the future is never known, at least this girl does not have a track record of dumping their spouse after several years of marriage. As stated above, the real issue is the kids and the marriage issue is secondary. Frankly, I just have a bad taste in my mouth about the institute of marriage after going through an ugly divorce and losing my shirt in the process. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with (this) one person.

Great discussions and experiences. Keep em coming!!!