Future Mother-in-law dilemma

[AuntieKels]

Hi everyone! I was hoping you all could give me some outside perspective and advice on a situation I have with my future MIL.

My fiance an I are getting married this coming August in a small white church and having the reception at a very modern aviation center. My parents are footing the bill (bless their hearts) and have pretty much let me have what I wanted. Luckily for them I want a small-ish/casual/easy going affair - nothing stuffy. Everything about the day is fun, bright and summery - in fact, many of the decorations are handmade (by me) and custom just for us.

Here's the sticky part: My future MIL is hosting the rehearsal dinner and has taken on that task as if it's her own mini wedding to host. The invitiations are FAR more formal then our actual wedding invitations. The dress she wants to wear is a dark colored evening gown. She hasn't offered us options of what we might do - it's all been desided by her ahead of time. I've tried to hint at making things a little more modern/casual but I can't seem to break through.

The last thing I want it to make her feel like we don't appreciate her efforts but it's actually giving me anxiety thinking about over doing the-day-before-the-big-day.

Any advice? or am I just acting like a bridezilla?

 

[moepanz]

This is a tough one. I think I would let her have "her day" it sounds to me like that is what she is trying to do. Just out of curiosity does she have any daughters? Take pleasure and solace in knowing that have "your day" planned exactly the way you want it and nothing will take away from that, it is your day!
Keep in mind MIL's have very long memories and it is just a party that she is kind enough to throw for you and your fiancée. I would "put on my Sunday face" (as my mom would say) and just go along for the ride. It will all be fine.

Enjoy!!!
oh and no you are not bring a Bridezilla at all, if you were you would have canceled her party already LOL!!!!

 

[AuntieKels]

As you may have guessed, she is a single mother of one son. I suppose I should expect things like this for the rest of our marriage

 

[pklein09]

Been there, done that. My MIL wore pale, pale, pale pink as her mother-of-the-groom dress. I wore ivory. Darn close in color, and she was well aware of the color of my dress. MIL threw my BIL and his wife another wedding due to distance to her family (Buffalo vs. Long Island), and this wedding really wasn't for BIL and his wife, it was for her to show off. Everyone knew it.

I've been married for 19 years, and about 6-7 years ago, DH finally "got it" and all my issues with his mother, and to a lesser extent his father.

The advice I will offer is the advice I got from a friend early on in our marriage who also had a difficult MIL: Let your husband handle her. It doesn't matter what I do or what I say, I'm always wrong or at fault. I've just come to accept that. DH realizes where I stand, and is on my side. It's his opinion that matters to me, not hers.

In the short term, she's already made the decisions for the party. It's obviously not about you and your fiance; it's about her and what she wants. Anyone at that party who knows you will know she created the party for her, not you and your fiance. Let her look like an idiot. People will catch on that it's about her because they'll see the wedding you and your fiance planned the next day.

This is another piece of advice I was given by a neighbor which I also use with my MIL: View her as entertainment. Yes, entertainment. Allow yourself to laugh at her antics instead of getting angry. As I said, the people who know you will know the party was not thrown with you in mind.

I know this is easier said than done, but don't allow her to aggravate you on your special days. DH and I said in retrospect that if you could plan a wedding, marriage was a breeze.

Best of luck! Congratulations on your marriage!

Michelle

 

[Derby4me]

What does your future Hubby think about it? In my almost 7 years of marriage, I've learned to use my husband as a Gage all things MIL related. Also, if there's an issue, it's usually coming better from him. If your Hubby doesn't think it's a big deal, I say go with it. Just my 2 cents. Congratulations!

 

[TIGGERmetoo]

As mother of 2 sons, 0 daughters I can understand how she might to "show off" for her son or be involved somehow with the wedding. I would just try to ignore it (don't let it get to you) and just show up in what YOU feel comfortable in and have a good time.

 

[Disney Dad Canada]

Order these, and wear them to the rehearsal dinner. If MIL starts anything, tell your fiancée to deal with her. It's your day, not hers.

 

[pklein09]

Order these, and wear them to the rehearsal dinner. If MIL starts anything, tell your fiancée to deal with her. It's your day, not hers.

 

[linnell]

All I have to say is wait until you have kids.

Seriously though, I be quiet about it as well. I mean, in the end, she's throwing you a party and she doesn't get to do this for a daughter later on.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I agree with everyone who said to let your soon to be husband deal with it. However, if your wedding day is already going to be the way you want it, maybe give MIL this one. You may win some goodwill.

 

[djblu883]

Go along and indulge your future MIL / This is her only way to "send off" her baby boy in her way. That way she has some pride that she has also contributed towards the beginning of the celebration of your new lives together. As a single Mom to a son I was the only one to help with his wedding at all so we weren't in the same situation but do understand how she feels the need to celebrate in grand style. The dark dress though is not so good, maybe you could get your soon to be hubby to ask her if she could wear something a little more festive and not quite so formal...?????

 

[sayhello]

The phrase that comes to mind is "Choose your battles." Is this one really worth fighting over? There's likely to be loads of conflict with this woman. You can't fight over every little thing. Wait for the big ones...

Sayhello

 

[moepanz]

The phrase that comes to mind is "Choose your battles." Is this one really worth fighting over? There's likely to be loads of conflict with this woman. You can't fight over every little thing. Wait for the big ones...

Sayhello

 

[Riverhill]

My vote is to let her have her rehersal dinner any way she wants. It will not take away from your wedding in any way.

Besides I have always thought the wedding is for the family and guests the Marriage is for you and your husband.

I have been married for 19 years and treasure the everyday with my DH far more that that day in September all those years ago.

 

[cinabug]

I say let her have her day. It sounds like she had very little input in the actual wedding, so letting her do the rehearsal her way would be the generous thing to do. I remember having a few issues with the way my in-laws handling the reservation dinner. I didn't say anything, and I can't say it had any impact at all on my marriage.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

Maybe keeping in mind that this rehearsal dinner is not a reflection on you might ease your anxiety. It's just a few hours for one night. At least she didn't get her hands on your wedding plans.

Hang in there!

 

[disneym2m]

I am so sorry you have to deal with a MIL like this. Believe me I know what you are going through. I would just enjoy the dinner and keep telling yourself that your wedding is the last event that most will attend and probably remember.

It could be worse. My MIL showed up Friday to the hotel miserable. She was miserable at the rehearsal and even more at the rehearsal dinner. I basically ignored her because there was nothing I could do and I wanted to remember my day as having a great day. She didn't smile while be escorted to her seat at the wedding and she didn't smile while taking pictures. The only time she smiled was when she was the center of attention, which was when she was announced into the reception. My FIL kept apologizing to me but there was nothing he could do. My Grandmother (which I later found out) wanted to push her down the toilet because she was so miserable. I know about the not smiling because I have the pictures to prove it.

I have learned over the last 13 years that MIL has to be the center of attention no matter what the occasion. And if she isn't then she will make her self known by being miserable. It has taken me quite a while, and it sounds like you will have to learn to deal with as well, but I have learned that there is nothing I can do about her. My husband knows what she is doing but it is his mother and he has to deal with her. Don't worry I have let my feelings be known from time to time and one day, one day, I will let her know exactly how what a child she is acting. But until then I just have to deal with her.

Keep in mind that this is your day. You planned the wedding the way you wanted it to be. Her dinner may be a little more "fancy", but your guests will remember the wedding and reception. The pictures will be mostly of this event. Since this is her only child, then she wants to be able to contribute something to the occasion. If she had a daughter, things would be a little different. So put on a beautiful cocktail dress and remember that this is only one night.

I will wait for the new thread where you complain about how your MIL is always bugging you guys to give you more advice..... But one last thing. Talk to your husband about how his mom is making you feel. Don't yell or scream, but calmly talk to him and don't keep your feelings bottled up. This is her only child and she wants to be forgotten by her son.

Hugs of support and congratulations on your upcoming wedding. And just keep telling yourself that this one night is not the most important event of the weekend.

 

[Mama Who]

I say let her have her day. It sounds like she had very little input in the actual wedding, so letting her do the rehearsal her way would be the generous thing to do. I remember having a few issues with the way my in-laws handling the reservation dinner. I didn't say anything, and I can't say it had any impact at all on my marriage.

This. Try to remember that this is her only chance to do wedding planning for her child. She *only* gets this one bit of this one wedding. Ultimately it costs you very little to let her do it her way and it is easy to let this dinner be at the whim of her and her child. She's not doing anything awful, right? Not serving steak to your vegan friends or dressing like a streetwalker? If it's simply not what you envisioned, I'd take a breath, smile and let her do her thing the night before the wedding knowing that the next day will be run to suit you.

Best wishes!

 

[Cyrano]

Order these, and wear them to the rehearsal dinner. If MIL starts anything, tell your fiancée to deal with her. It's your day, not hers.

"A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. "

 

[ToddyLu]

This. Try to remember that this is her only chance to do wedding planning for her child. She *only* gets this one bit of this one wedding. Ultimately it costs you very little to let her do it her way and it is easy to let this dinner be at the whim of her and her child. She's not doing anything awful, right? Not serving steak to your vegan friends or dressing like a streetwalker? If it's simply not what you envisioned, I'd take a breath, smile and let her do her thing the night before the wedding knowing that the next day will be run to suit you.

Best wishes!

I completely agree with this. If she is hosting, she gets to conduct the party. I cherish my MIL and we get along very well. I have had to work on this for 16 years. I can and do take a back seat to her at appropriate times because she deserves my respect. Please just be appreciative and thank her for a lovely evening to start your wedding weekend. That is what she wants from you, even if she is overberaing or intrusive. I do not get that from your post. I think she is happy for you both and is trying to send you off in style.

DH and I were married in October. We had a formal evening wedding and my Mother wore a long lavender 2 piece dress...my MIL wore a black chiffon type 2 piece pants suit formal and pretty, down to the floor...she looked terrific and it made her happy to be in her favorite color on the Groom's side. Our parents are completely different and yet they participate in our happiness on a regular basis.

Marriage is what you make of it. It is wonderful and happy and full of trials and tribulations. At some point you just learn to let live and that happens as you age. What was important to me at 26 is not important at 42. I remember my lovely rehearsal dinner as a great meal with friends and family. I remember my Wedding Day and Reception as the event of a lifetime. That is how you do it.

congratulations!!