Furious with DH! (a vent & sympathy needed) UPDATE post #11

[momof2inPA]

Wow. It sounds like you have a serious communication problem. He knew how opposed you were to him taking that choir job, and it's not so bad that he went ahead and did it, but that he snuck around behind your back to get the job instead of telling you that he was pursuing it. That's a problem.

I'm sure it's the draw of the music and the praise he receives, but you don't have any doubts about his fidelity or feelings toward the pianist or other choir people, do you?

 

[Marseeya]

Wow. It sounds like you have a serious communication problem. He knew how opposed you were to him taking that choir job, and it's not so bad that he went ahead and did it, but that he snuck around behind your back to get the job instead of telling you that he was pursuing it. That's a problem.

I'm sure it's the draw of the music and the praise he receives, but you don't have any doubts about his fidelity or feelings toward the pianist or other choir people, do you?

I hope I don't sound naive in saying this, but no I don't. For one thing, he doesn't know anybody in this church and for another, I can't see him having a relationship with this pianist. Stranger things have happened, but I'm pretty sure about this.

 

[VSL]

Sounds like one big mess

 

[momof2inPA]

I hope I don't sound naive in saying this, but no I don't. For one thing, he doesn't know anybody in this church and for another, I can't see him having a relationship with this pianist. Stranger things have happened, but I'm pretty sure about this.

I just have a one track mind. It's hard to imagine two people from my church's choir having a romance.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Religion completely aside...

I am kind of reading it like this,
His priorities are where they are.... no question about it... His personal ego and endeavors are ahead of his marriage, his family, and telling the truth.

 

[VSL]

Religion completely aside...

I am kind of reading it like this,
His priorities are where they are.... no question about it... His personal ego and endeavors are ahead of his marriage, his family, and telling the truth.

I can't help but agree

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Well, I'm with you now. There is no excuse for his actions--especially where lying is concerned. He needs to change the way he's acting, because all the little old crying ladies won't mean anything if his family doesn't respect him!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess it will be the sweet memories of those "little old crying ladies" that he has on his deathbed, instead of the memories of the life he spent with his children....

 

[Lyn5]

Religion completely aside...

I am kind of reading it like this,
His priorities are where they are.... no question about it... His personal ego and endeavors are ahead of his marriage, his family, and telling the truth.

ITA. Years ago, my DH had a side business we owned and it took all the time he had after his fulltime job...I was so unhappy with our situation and the job was affecting his health. The last straw came when I took my DS (18 months old at the time) to urgent care and with my DD (who was less than 3 weeks old) I was so upset to take a newborn into the germ filled doctor's office, but I had no choice since my son was sick and DH "didn't have time" and I wasn't in the best condition myself after childbirth. I called him while I was waiting for DS's prescription and told him he had to choice between the business and his family, it was too much of a strain to do both...and I meant it. By the time we got home he had decided to give up the business and there was someone at our home buying the supplies/stock from him. We lost some money, but our lives are so much better. Whenever he tries to take on too much now, I remind him of the dark time . I hope your DH comes around and realizes how important you and the kids are...you should be first

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

As a former church organist and choir director for many years, I can attest to the large amount of work and time that goes into these ministries.

 

[disneymom3]

Wow, this is a hard situation. How old are your kids? The very biggest problem I have here is that he lied to you. Not just once but several times. Flat out lying to your face. Phew. I had a situation that DH was not totally honest with me about, not lying just omission if you know what I mean. I still felt mislead and betrayed and have told him if it EVER happens again, either we go to counselling or the marriage is done for. Trust is based on integrity and honesty and right now your DH has hosed both of those. A marriage without trust is a marriage in trouble.

The fact that he doesn't see his commitments as having an impact on you is a big red flag. He needs to be a team with you, not playing his own game.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Good luck.

 

[Marseeya]

Thank you all again. I wanted to give more individual replies, but I'm getting sick on top of everything.

Lyn5: I'm so glad it worked out that way for you and your DH. That sounds so much like my DH -- taking on so much that the kids never see him. I hate to say this, but it's too late for him and my son. I've been telling him for years that he needed to work on that relationship and make time for bonding and he just never listened (DS was 3 when we married). DD is a whole lot more forgiving of a person, but if he continues the same way with her the way he did with my son, he wont have a relationship with her either. As it is, she loves him, but there's no closeness. It breaks my heart for the kids, but it also saddens me that he's going to look back on it all and probably won't even realize how he could have prevented it. He only sees what he wants to see.

I'm not meaning to make him out to be an ogre and me an angel, because let me tell you, I'm not picnic to be with either. He's a good husband, but he's not a good parent at all. He's also got a really messed up view of reality because of his crappy childhood. For example, he looks back on the time he directed the other choir with great fondness and totally forgets all the trouble it caused in the family. It's like a survival mechanism, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I'll quit rambling and just say thank you all for letting me get this all off my chance. It helps me get my thoughts in order and calm down so I don't take it out on him.

 

[Mimi Q]