Furious with DH! (a vent & sympathy needed) UPDATE post #11

[Marseeya]

Maybe someone can calm me down right now because I'm seeing red!

DH used to be a choir director for a Methodist church. It only paid $150 a month, but he did get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Though, get this. I'm an atheist and he's not exactly a Christian (not exactly much of anything but a spiritualist, but definitely not a Christian). Anyway, the pastor of that church had absolutely no problem with this, as she was extremely open minded. For my part, as long as nobody tried to get me involved, I was okay with it. It took up a lot of time for him, as he arranged his own music. Over a year ago, the pastor left and they brought a new one in -- this guy was extremely conservative and DH didn't feel comfortable sticking around, although he did volunteer to come in and help once in a while. Besides that, he works 60+ hours a week at his job and he just started working on his bachelors degree, so he really has no time whatsoever to devote to being a choir director without a serious detriment to the family.

Also, there's more to this story that I don't want to get into beyond saying that some really horrible things happened to me in that church when I was a kid, so there was a good bit of tension surrounding his position with them.

Recently, the pianist from the church he had worked with called DH wanting a recommendation for a new church. She mentioned to him that this new church was looking for a choir director as well and asked if he would be interested. He told me no, and I was glad because with me being in school at nights that would leave the kids unsupervised way too much, plus we don't have a lot of time together as it is. Also, I'm just way beyond stressed with everything I have to do between school and the kids and the house. He's hardly any help now, so I can't imagine how overwhelmed I'd be with him being gone even more.

The preacher has called here a few times and I've questioned DH about it, asking if he really is applying for this position and he's assured me he isn't, that he's just putting in a good word for the pianist.

Well, today, the preacher called and left a long message on our answering machine basically confirming what I suspected, that my DH IS applying for this position and that he wants him to come in for an audition tomorrow night. How could he go behind my back like that? Even worse, how could he flat out lie to me??? I'm tempted not to give him the message, but I don't like to play games like that. But still, I'm so furious that he just blatantly lied to me!

Any support or words of advice is welcome.

 

[minniecarousel]

hmmm....sounds like you two need to have a serious talk.

Good luck.

 

[Marseeya]

hmmm....sounds like you two need to have a serious talk.

Good luck.

Thanks. I really need to calm down before I talk to him because I'm ready to burst into tears.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

im so sorry
i can see why you would be upset
the only thing you can really do is take some HUGE deep breaths clam down and talk to DH when he gets home
he will probaly say he didtn even know if he would get the job so thats why he waited to say something but know ing how stretched your family already is ( based on your post) its surprising he would apply anyway
once again im so sorry

 

[Keli]

I don't blame you, I'd be pretty aggrivated with my dh in similar circumstances. I think you're going about it right, calm down and then discuss it with him.

 

[nativetxn]

My feelings would be hurt too. I'm sorry.

I hope you can calm down enough to discuss this issue with your husband. You need to talk.

Katholyn

 

[Laurajean1014]

Take a deep breath.

It sounds like DH had a change of heart or was not able to express to you the importance of the job.

Maybe he considers it an outlet of some type or is very passionate about keeping this up.

Either way, getting mad only compounds the issue - and cloud the words that should be expressed.

Instead of telling him that you know, what if you asked him, "if you could find time to be the new CD, would you do it? How much does it mean to you?"

This may allow him to open up to you.

Best wishes, and please report to us the (happy - hopeful) outcome.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Ok, let me temper you just a little bit here.

First, men have the overwhelming urge to support their families. Any who don't have that urge are generally horribly unsuccessful at marriage and family. One of his motivations may be that it will give the family more money. He may think that making you angry one way is going to please you another--and that he's taking the lesser of two evils.

Second, musical people often have the need to continue their craft, even when they don't have the time or the energy! If it's something he really loves, then it may be pulling him in that direction.

Third, this will completely be a non-issue if he doesn't get the job, right?

Fourth. He wants to work in a church, not a strip club...there could be much worse places for him to be spending this time.

Yeah, there is the trust issue involved, but give him a little space and time to explain why he would go through with it under the circumstances. Good luck to you!

 

[diskids2]

First give yourself credit that you did not call him at work and blast him right away

Second - before you talk to him - figure out what is bothering you the most (lying, thinking about directing again, etc.). Then right down why it is bothering you. Everything should fall into place in your mind and if you have some hidden emotions they'll probably surface.

Third - Be prepared for his reaction (it may be what you think it will be or it may be something different). Regardless, try to stick to your points in number 2.

Fourth - Know going in that you are willing to compromise on certain things and not on others.


Good Luck!

 

[Marseeya]

I just wanted to check in real quick and thank you guys so much for being the voice of reason for me! It really helped.

I went ahead and called DH at work after I'd calmed down a bit, because I have class tonight and won't get home until late. I didn't want this weighing on me all evening.

Anyway, he kind of jumped out of the frying pan and into my fire! He's gonna get whupped upside the head with that frying pan if he doesn't watch it. He reassured me that he didn't want the job, but that he did go ahead and send in his resume last week just to see what would happen. He said that he realized he already had too much on his plate to consider the position. I forgot to mention in my other posts that on top of all this, he's volunteering with the other choir to do a Christmas cantata and he's been working on it. That in itself is a huge undertaking.

So you want to know what that man said to me? Do you? OMG.

He said, "Even if I DID take this job, it wouldn't have an impact on you. It would just add to my already busy schedule. I would just schedule rehearsals on nights when you're in class."

He's in for it now. (picture computer as DH's head & hammer as frying pan)

 

[Marseeya]

Just wanted to update on this.

Well, it turned out that DH had been lying to me all along about this choir director position. He e-mailed me from work the other day telling me he wanted to talk to me about something "good" that he wanted to do. It ended up him wanting to take this position -- I guess the pianist was really pushing this church to take him on in the position. I seriously think he's already gone through the interview and audition process behind my back, even though he denies it. I have class Tuesday nights from 7-9 and he's supposed to be home from work at 7. Well, two weeks in a row I've gotten home only to find him not there!

I'm so upset with him. It's not all just about the choir position, but this is such a pattern with him and I've had about all I can take with it.

Sometimes I feel as if I'd be just as well off as a single mother because I do all of the parenting as it is. The kids are just an afterthought for him. He doesn't see the least bit of a problem in leaving them unsupervised on the nights I have school, even though he promised me when I started working on my masters that he'd have my back. Ever since I started grad school, he's found one way or another to weasel out of that promise.

I'm sorry, I just really need to vent to someone. I know it might not sound that bad to some of you, but it's a huge issue for me.

 

[kdibattista]

Sorry you are going through this...

 

[Iott Family]

Marseeya,

Have you ever considered that maybe he resents you going back to school? Maybe your personal accomplishments are a threat to him? So he has to ride his own glory which he has found in this choir gig with a pianist exstolling his virtues and the church in hot pursuit of his services. Never mind that it gets in the way of family and home life, maybe he expects you to buckle and drop your schooling. Just a thought. Seems to me he is being very selfish and if he goes behind your back on this as you have said....yep, frying pan over the head for him!

Take care of yourself!

 

[Disney Doll]

Marseeya,

Have you ever considered that maybe he resents you going back to school? Maybe your personal accomplishments are a threat to him? So he has to ride his own glory which he has found in this choir gig with a pianist exstolling his virtues and the church in hot pursuit of his services. Never mind that it gets in the way of family and home life, maybe he expects you to buckle and drop your schooling. Just a thought. Seems to me he is being very selfish and if he goes behind your back on this as you have said....yep, frying pan over the head for him!

Take care of yourself!

I had this exact same thought as I was reading your posts Marseeya. Not that I think your DH is correct in thinking this or behaving this way, mind you. But it sounds like he's threatened by your accomplishments and is looking for something of his opwn.

I'd have to have a LONG talk with him about lying. That part is unacceptable. I'd also have to have a long talk with him about promising to support me in my things (school, work) and then not keeping his word.

Sounds like you 2 have a lot of talking to do, and it ain't gonna be pretty, I would imagine. Good lick!

 

[mommaU4]

My heart goes out to you and all I can say is I truly hope the two of you are able to work this out in a manner that is satisfactory for you both. Good Luck. BTW, we are here for you if you need to yell, scream, curse, etc. Better with us than with him. Step away from the frying pan........

 

[Wishing on a star]

All I can say is HUGS!!!

Without getting into the negative specifics, you are very justified in your feelings! Your husband is completely disregarding you as his wife, and his obligations to you as a husband.

Hope it all works out.

 

[disney4us2002]

Perhaps he is a bit more religious than you believe and since you claim to be an atheist he doesn't feel you will be accepting of his desire to direct religious services. Just something to consider. My dh and I have very different views on religion and we absolutely do not get in the other's case about it. It's the only way to avoid hurt feelings for us.

 

[Marseeya]

Marseeya,

Have you ever considered that maybe he resents you going back to school? Maybe your personal accomplishments are a threat to him? So he has to ride his own glory which he has found in this choir gig with a pianist exstolling his virtues and the church in hot pursuit of his services. Never mind that it gets in the way of family and home life, maybe he expects you to buckle and drop your schooling. Just a thought. Seems to me he is being very selfish and if he goes behind your back on this as you have said....yep, frying pan over the head for him!

Take care of yourself!

Thank you.

I think you're partially correct! Even though he fully supported my finishing school, he did resent it in the past. He is working on his own degree now, though so it hasn't been quite the issue. You have hit the nail on the head about the "glory" of the choir job. He really thrives on the big ego boost it gives him -- I just wish he would find another way to get that without having to make the rest of us suffer. Something's got to give, and I even offered a compromise if he would just give something else up, but he refuses.

Oh, as for what else he does: 2 volunteer projects, Junior achievement and something else through work; volunteer choir directing at the old church through the Christmas season and Easter season; fantasy football & baseball (they do a bunch of stuff after work); and school and work.

 

[Marseeya]

Sounds like you 2 have a lot of talking to do, and it ain't gonna be pretty, I would imagine. Good lick!

Good "lick" to you too! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it.

And thanks for the input as well.

 

[Marseeya]

Perhaps he is a bit more religious than you believe and since you claim to be an atheist he doesn't feel you will be accepting of his desire to direct religious services. Just something to consider. My dh and I have very different views on religion and we absolutely do not get in the other's case about it. It's the only way to avoid hurt feelings for us.

We actually did talk about that last night, and have in the past as well. I've always made it clear that if he felt like he wanted to go back to Christianity (or however you would phrase that!) I'd be okay with it as long as he would respect my beliefs as well and not push me to convert.

Anyway, last night he brought it up, that if I were this unhappy about him being a choir director, then how would I feel if he wanted to join the church. I told him that was fine with me! Joining a church is a whole different thing than taking on a commitment like a choir director. I even told him I'd feel differently if he decided to just join the choir.

What he wanted was a three month trial and I'm even opposed to that. For one thing, it would be a lot more difficult to just quit a job after a 3-month trial and he knows it. For another thing, we had a two-year trial in the past and it was bad enough then when he wasn't busy with all his other activities! We couldn't go anywhere over the weekends, and he had practice on nights I was in school, plus he worked on the computer every night arranging music. Over holidays, we'd have to stay home, then he'd be mad at ME and the KIDS because I couldn't take them out of school to visit the in-laws during the week. He forgets things like that and only remembers the "glory" of little old church ladies coming up to him in tears after a performance, telling him how beautiful it was.

That's what gets me. It's all about the performance for him. It's not even a spiritual endeavor. I do understand that desire, because I was a musician too back in another life -- pre-kids. I certainly miss it, but I'm waiting until I have more time before I take it up again.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent again. I've kind of been stewing on this all day.