FURIOUS STEINBRENNER SENDS YANKEES TO HELL
'Zero Tolerance for Losing,' Owner Says
Just days after the New York Yankees lost the World Series to the upstart Florida Marlins, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner took decisive action, sending all of the Yankees' players, coaches, and front office staff directly to Hell.
While many in the baseball world suspected that some sort of shake-up was on the way from the mercurial Steinbrenner, few expected that the Yankee owner would send his storied franchise to eternal damnation.
But at a press conference in Tampa, Florida today, Steinbrenner said that sending the Yankees to Hell was the only way he could deliver the message that he had "zero tolerance for losing."
"I'm not going to mince words here," Steinbrenner said. "If I get twenty-five new players in here and they wind up losing the World Series, they're going to Hell, too."
Yankee skipper Joe Torre was philosophical about being sent down, telling reporters in the Bronx, "It's George's team. If he wants to us all to burn in Hell, that's his right."
But former bench coach Don Zimmer, who resigned just days earlier, was not so magnanimous about his former boss: "I knew he'd pull some kooky stunt like this. What a yoyo!"
A spokesman for Major League Baseball's Players' Association conceded that baseball's rules permit an owner to bypass Purgatory and send his team directly to Hell, but warned that Mr. Steinbrenner would still be responsible for the Yankees' health and pension benefits for eternity.
Elsewhere, yesterday saw the release of "The Hulk" on DVD, including never-before-seen footage in which an even angrier Hulk turns into Liza Minnelli.
*****THE BOROWITZ REPORT*****
'Zero Tolerance for Losing,' Owner Says
Just days after the New York Yankees lost the World Series to the upstart Florida Marlins, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner took decisive action, sending all of the Yankees' players, coaches, and front office staff directly to Hell.
While many in the baseball world suspected that some sort of shake-up was on the way from the mercurial Steinbrenner, few expected that the Yankee owner would send his storied franchise to eternal damnation.
But at a press conference in Tampa, Florida today, Steinbrenner said that sending the Yankees to Hell was the only way he could deliver the message that he had "zero tolerance for losing."
"I'm not going to mince words here," Steinbrenner said. "If I get twenty-five new players in here and they wind up losing the World Series, they're going to Hell, too."
Yankee skipper Joe Torre was philosophical about being sent down, telling reporters in the Bronx, "It's George's team. If he wants to us all to burn in Hell, that's his right."
But former bench coach Don Zimmer, who resigned just days earlier, was not so magnanimous about his former boss: "I knew he'd pull some kooky stunt like this. What a yoyo!"
A spokesman for Major League Baseball's Players' Association conceded that baseball's rules permit an owner to bypass Purgatory and send his team directly to Hell, but warned that Mr. Steinbrenner would still be responsible for the Yankees' health and pension benefits for eternity.
Elsewhere, yesterday saw the release of "The Hulk" on DVD, including never-before-seen footage in which an even angrier Hulk turns into Liza Minnelli.
*****THE BOROWITZ REPORT*****
