Funerals - someone I didn't know

[juligrl]

I've worked at a church for a couple of years now. During my entire time there the pastor's wife has been virtually homebound. I've not ever had the opportunity to meet her. After a steady decline in the past several months she passed away this week. Her family is having visitations for her for the next two days and the funeral the following day. My heart is breaking for her families loss, her husband's loss - I know what a struggle it's been for him particularly. I'd like to go and pay my respects. Is it wierd though since I never knew her?
I guess where I'm coming from is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. So I really want to go. I want to stop by the visitation tommorrow, I'm just not wanting it to be awkward. Any advice?
I'll definately go to the funeral - I figure I'll be lost in the crowd there so awkwardness be darned!
What would you do?

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I've worked at a church for a couple of years now. During my entire time there the pastor's wife has been virtually homebound. I've not ever had the opportunity to meet her. After a steady decline in the past several months she passed away this week. Her family is having visitations for her for the next two days and the funeral the following day. My heart is breaking for her families loss, her husband's loss - I know what a struggle it's been for him particularly. I'd like to go and pay my respects. Is it wierd though since I never knew her?
I guess where I'm coming from is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. So I really want to go. I want to stop by the visitation tommorrow, I'm just not wanting it to be awkward. Any advice?
I'll definately go to the funeral - I figure I'll be lost in the crowd there so awkwardness be darned!
What would you do?

Definitely go! I'm sure the pastor would very much appreciate your thoughtful gesture in his time of grief.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You go even though you did not know them. You are going to support your pastor.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[krcit]

I have often gone to wakes for people I don't know ie: friend's mom or dad/sibling. Go. It will be appreciated.

 

[Heidict]

Go, you are showing your support of her husband, your pastor. You don't need to know the deceased in order to go. I have been to more then my fair share of funerals over the last couple of years and there were people there that showed up in support of the family, even though they didn't know the deceased. It's not unusual at all.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Just go to visitations. Around here, funerals are really only for the family and close friends.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I've been to several funerals where I didn't know the deceased, and the families appreciated the support, as did I when my parents died.

I've never been to a visitation (not common anywhere I've lived), so I don't have any advice on that, but at funerals, I just go up to the family, give them a hug or shake their hand, tell them how sorry I am for their loss (and ask how they are doing, what they need help with, etc, depending on how well I know them and the length of the line of people behind me waiting to offer their condolences. The conversation doesn't need to be long enough to get awkward.

Go. It will be appreciated.

 

[walden]

I've been to several funerals where I didn't know the deceased, and the families appreciated the support, as did I when my parents died.

I've never been to a visitation (not common anywhere I've lived), so I don't have any advice on that, but at funerals, I just go up to the family, give them a hug or shake their hand, tell them how sorry I am for their loss (and ask how they are doing, what they need help with, etc, depending on how well I know them and the length of the line of people behind me waiting to offer their condolences. The conversation doesn't need to be long enough to get awkward.

Go. It will be appreciated.

This! Excellent guidelines what to say at either the visitation or the funeral. If you can think of any story about the deceased, even second hand it helps too. Example: "I heard so much about Mrs X from other members of the parish and know (how much she was loved, that she was an inspired gardener, brilliant cook, etc. etc.)

For my in-laws, attending the visitation is thought almost more important than attending the funeral, but no-one would object to you going to either or both. If you don't know the family really well then there is no need to go to the grave site.

 

[disykat]

Just go to visitations. Around here, funerals are really only for the family and close friends.

It is the opposite here.

 

[NewCrew42]

Yes, go. I have been to visitations where I didn't know the deceased, like a friend's parent. I never met their parent, but I went to support my friend. Just let them know you are sorry for their loss.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Just go to visitations. Around here, funerals are really only for the family and close friends.

It has been a long time since I have gone to a funeral but I think it was the opposite for us. The visitation was for close family and friends only and the funeral was for everyone.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

IDK guys. With visitations here, you go and pay your respects to the decedant and talk to the family. Then you can leave. The funerals are long and drawn out (some like a full church service) and most folks around here don't like to sit through that so we take the short way out. Especially if it is someone you barely know or don't know at all - if you are only going to support your friend(s)/co-worker(s).

 

[Ceila]

Everywhere I've lived (mid-atlantic region), the viewings are for everybody and the funeral is more for family and close friends. The viewings often have receiving lines where you give your condolences to the family, pay your respects to the deceased, and then make small talk for a little while with others who are there.

OP, don't feel awkward going. Visitations and funerals are for the living, and your pastor and his family will be grateful that you came to give them your support during this difficult time.

 

[Nancyg56]

I will often go to the funeral service. I do not go to the funeral home prior to the service, I go directly to the Church, participate in the mass and then leave. I will sit towards the back of the church. There will often be others who do the same.

If I go to a wake for someone I do not know but whose family I am supporting I will do as others have suggested, pay my respects and then leave.

 

[katesorad]

If you're not comfortable going to the actual services, why not make some meals for the pastor and his family and deliver them with a sympathy card and some flowers? If you make a casserole or some soup ahead for his family to eat for the next week or so, it will be so greatly appreciated. It will be just one less worry for the pastor to have to deal with after losing his wife.

It's understandable to not feel comfortable going to a funeral of someone you didn't know well or at all.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I've gone to plenty of both, I'm with the others who say we go to services to comfort the people left behind not the deceased.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I've gone to co-workers family members funerals when I had never met them. I go to support the person I do know who is grieving, so I don't think it would be weird at all.

When my grandmother died, I was so touched by each person coming, especially non-family members who I would not have thought would have come.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Just go to visitations. Around here, funerals are really only for the family and close friends.

That's strange. I've lived north of you and south of you and it's not that case in either places.