Funeral ?? - Update pg 2..Thanks and more

[KimRaye]

This may seem like a stupid question but, I don't attend many wakes and/or funerals (thankfully). In the past I have made a donation to the charity named or of my choice, which is never disclosed to the family as to how much money. Another time, for my dear Aunt, my brothers and I bought a flower display. This Friday, I'm attending my Uncle's wake and, flowers would not be appropriate and, a donation seems to not be as appropriate as money right to the family would be (they'll need it). So, how much do I give? This is my Uncle after all.

And, just to give an idea, I would normally give $25 to a charity in someone's name so, maybe that's a guide? Go up from there? I have no clue. I hate these things.

Thanks.



(UPDATE ON PG 2)

 

[Poohnatic]

I guess it depends.

When my dad passed, my exMIL put a 20 in the card. My sister and I opened the cards and hers was the only one with money in it, We were embarrassed. I quietly mentioned it a few months later when we saw her filling out a mass card and putting a 20 with it, that it might be embarrassing or offensive to the family.
We made mention to his coworkers and hiking group that they could make donations to Literacy Volunteers if they were interested in doing this. We got a very nice thank you from them a few months later.

When a business colleague's daughter was murdered last year, the management company took up a collection to help pay for the funeral. In that instance, I didn't feel uncomfortable in chipping in a check for 20 dollars.

I'm sure you can ask discreetly of another family member (parent who was related to this uncle maybe) for a suggestion.

I am sorry for the loss of your uncle.

Suzanne

 

[mamajoan]

hey there.... I am going by midwest funeral standards here.... usually if they are Catholic we do a mass card. If the person is young or has children that could use the support, I have given money to a fund set up in their name. Usually the family would have that set up and notify the funeral home. I know that the funeral home usually have the envelopes for donations and cards near the guest book at the wake.
When my mom died my brother and I took the money that was given and split it between the masses for mom and dad and a donation to Kuzma Cottage which is a food pantry run by the church.
I think you are going to have to talk to another family member maybe that way you can have help making the decision....

prayers said and sent....

 

[Pin Wizard]

Having had too many funerals in the family, I now HATE flowers! A couple are okay, but not a bunch. Any way, I had a lot of people give mass cards when DH died. Another great idea was a fruit basket or even a dish garden (plant) sent to the home. After the funeral, I didn't take one of those flowers home with me. Sent them ALL to a local seniors' home. To this day, if I'm in a somewhat enclosed room or area and there's a dozen flowers, I have to leave because the smell of them just makes me think of a funeral home. So sorry for the loss of your uncle.

 

[Dreamer04]

Hi all.

The purpose of an expression of sympathy is to show respect for the deceased and support for the living.

If the family is or will be in need of funds, money is absolutely acceptable. However, putting inside a mass card is not.

Put the money in an envelope, with a short note, and discreetly hand it to one of the family members, when you are leaving and saying your goodbyes. Saying "Here is something to help you through the next few days" is thoughtful and considerate. The amount in entirely up to you. I'm sure anything you give would be appreciated.

Flowers are not as popular as they once were. As far as donations go, keep in mind that the very church where the service is held may be the best choice.

I am sorry for the loss of your Uncle. My DM also will not attend wakes. I do understand how you feel. Take care of you, too.

Ursula

 

[dianeschlicht]

I usually donate to a charity mentioned by the family, or if none is mentioned, to one of my chosing. If the family is one who might need it to cover funeral expenses, I just give a check. I usually DO mention the charity specifically.

 

[aprilgail2]

People gave cash when my dad died and we really didn't need it so we donated it to his church...but when my godson died cash was great....after all his medical treatment bills etc cash was tight and with his whole school passing the hat around and everyone who came giving something it put a big dent in the 10,000 his funeral cost.

 

[believe]

What is a mass card?

I have given donations for the last funerals I attended. I don't see a problem with cash, whether the family needs it or not. It is your gift to them and any gift should be appreciated as long as it is done in good taste.

 

[RUDisney]

A Mass card is something you buy from the church that offers one Mass, a specific time period of Masses, or perpetual Masses for the deceased's memory.

We got a number of these a few weeks ago when my FIL died.

As for what to do, if you know that the family needs money, decide what you can afford, and give it to the family. Around here, there is usually a place by the casket to leave Mass cards and other envelopes for the family. You can use a sympathy card for your cash/check gift.

Food is always appreciated when someone dies. You can usually get a nice pasta dish for about $25, if that is what you can afford. It means alot to the family to know that they have something to eat and to offer others who are coming to their house to offer their condolenses.

 

[PamOKW]

A lot has to do with area customs. Cash gifts to the family (with the exception of scholarship funds set up for children) are pretty much unheard of. People have cut back on flowers asking for donations to charity instead. One thing to keep in mind with this though is whether the family themselves have a connection to florists. I almost made a mistake with one funeral forgeting that they came from a long line of florists. When I mentioned donations instead of flowers, I got a "look" from one family member.

One of the best things we received when my father died was food. One cousin arrived at the door the first night with a Boston Chicken meal for all of us. The fact that she just went and did it and arrived with it was great. None of us were really functioning and to go out and get something would have been a chore. I also received a full catering set-up from folks I worked with. This worked out well for the relatives who came back after the funeral. Other people also donated food that was greatly appreciated.

The main thing I learned from "being on the other side" is that it doesn't really matter what someone does --- just do something and do it in a timely manner. Flowers and cards a week later are appreciated but not as much as knowing you aren't alone right at the time of the funeral.

Mass cards are a Catholic tradition and are always appreciated by Catholics. I had one boss who was Jewish who thought anyone who wasn't Jewish should get a Mass card. I had to gently direct him when it wasn't appropriate. Some non-Catholics would see the value, others might be offended.

Another thing I've seen -- A wealthy friend requested that people honor her mother by doing something good for another person. This was along the lines of "random acts of kindness".

 

[EpcotKilterFan]

I would give whatever you feel comfortable with. If you feel the family needs the money I would give it to them with a nice "Thinking of you" note.

When my Uncle died earlier this year, a neighbor of my aunt gave a very practical gift. She gave her a can of coffee and the cream and sugar. This really came in handy with all of the visitors to the house. I thought it was a great idea.

We are Catholic and a tradition that we have in this area is to donate priest vestments. The priest will wear it during the funeral mass. On the inside is the name of the deceased, and whenever the priest wears those vestments, a prayer is said. Some churches will not take them anymore in our area as they have more vestements than priests. But the smaller parishes will take them, or they are sent to missions throughout the United States for the new priests or priests from other countries that can not afford them.

Debbie

 

[Cruise04]

My thoughts are this - cash is certainly not something is NOT being done anymore. I have been to more funerals that don't specify what they'd like you to do (around here anyway). If you feel the family will need the money, then give them money. The amount needs to be from your heart though and what you can afford. I know when my aunt died, the flowers that were at the service were donated to an area nursing home for the residents to enjoy. The money was donated elsewhere because they really didn't need the money. When my mom died we needed the money to help with expenses, then found out we couldn't use the memorial money for those expenses - it was for the family to use to help keep them going and to put into an account for later use if needed. That came in handy because there were some out of pocket expenses that I chose to handle and that money helped.

Sorry for your loss - but remember it's how you want to help him be remembered.

 

[BlkBearSuz]

My grandmother died earlier this year in June. For us, it was very helpful when people gave us money in cards. We were trying to save up enough money to get the old family stone cleaned, straightened and to have her name and dates engraved on it. We knew this was something she would have approved of because she took great pride in making sure the plot was always well taken care of.

So if you think money is what they need, then I would help them out that way. Every little bit counts.

 

[4greatboys]

Personally I think giving the family money is a great idea. Funerals are so expensive, the funeral homes want money right then and there and most life insurance policies take weeks to get paid out. When my mom died money would have been greatly appreciated as I am an only child, my father was already deceased. DH and I had 2 kids and 1 on the way and not a lot of cash just lying around. Forunately my aunt (my moms sister) and her dh helped chip in til we recieved the life insurance money.

 

[RUDisney]

Deena, this must be different regionally or from funeral home to funeral home. When my Gramma died, my DH and I went with my parents to help set everything up with the funeral director. When it came time to talk about money, he told my Mom that he'd expect to be paid when the insurance money came in or if she didn't, he'd send some of "Vito's" goons out to take care of her. What he didn't know when making this joke ("Vito" is a prominent businessman who is of Italian descent, so people think he must have "goons") is that "Vito" is my DH's uncle.

I told my Mom that I guess she didn't have to pay then since Uncle "Vito" wouldn't break my parents' legs. The funeral director became flustered, as he must have used this joke many times before without having it come back to bite him. It turns out that he is also good friends with "Vito" and we exchanged some stories.

Because of this anecdote, I remember what the payment plan was. If he didn't make the joke, I probably would have forgotten by now.

 

[4greatboys]

RUDisney---Im in Texas. The funeral home wanted ALL the money then and there and only mentioned a payment when I brought it up. We still had to pay 1/2 down and the other half was due within either 30 to 60 days, I cant remember positively.
I also have a very good friend named Vito, I dont think he would break my legs either, lol.

 

[goofy4tink]

When my mom passed away last month, we requested no flowers since there would be no grave side service. However, some flowers were there from immediate family and very close friends. I made it known that any memorial donations would be used to buy altar vestments in her memory. She was our altar guild directress and had already given some vestments in memory of her parents. We did receive some mass cards but as we are Episcopalian, and not Catholic, I don't think they meant as much as they should have. As far as giving cash goes, I figure that not everyone is lucky enough to have insurance to pay for 'final arrangements'. So, every little bit would help. I would put it in a card with a note explaining my thoughts. I send you my condolences on the loss of your uncle.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

My dad passed away on Oct 12th after a long illness....because he was in hospice, and they did a really great job with him, we asked that donations be made in his name to the hospice center. They exist only on Medicare and donations...my mom never had to pay for medications, supplies..nada...They are really angels!
My dad always said you should send flowers when the people are alive, not after they are gone.

 

[KimRaye]

Thanks everyone for your replies and prayers, thoughts, etc.

I should've said that Mass cards would not be appropriate either since, we're Lutheran but, I know what they are.

Given these particular circumstances (and I'm sure every death has circumstances), I wrote a check to my Aunt and included it in the sympathy card. My Mom said that was fine.

If I may derail my own thread tho....

I was most horrified tonight at the wake when my cell phone rang not once but, twice!... And, while I was AT the casket. I swear I wanted the ground to swallow me up! I ended up running from the room trying to shut the darn thing up. Trust me, I've since learned how to silence the thing......Only trouble with that was, my brother was trying to reach me because he couldn't get through the traffic to make the wake! And, when I called back the originating caller----my house, my son---I was really angry and, I feel so bad about yelling at him. He didn't call for an emergency imo but, he thought so and, I let him have it!

Further derailing...

It was my 1st time at a military service. My Uncle had an Honor Guard present at the closing service and they folded and presented the flag to my Aunt and, then they played Taps. Nary a dry eye. My Uncle served in Vietnam and, was very proud of that fact. He not only served 2 years but, for the most part, he gave his life because of that war. It FOREVER changed his life, literally and, unfortunately.

With Veteran's Day this Tuesday.....Thank you to our Vets and all our servicemen & women.

Bless You

 

[Dan Murphy]

I just wanted to stop by an extend my condolences, Kim, to you, and all your uncle's family and friends. {{Hugs}}