Friend's trouble with his DD

[Rock'n Robin]

My friend has an 18 year old stepDD he has practically raised since he has been with his DW (girl's mom) since she was 3. She went off to college this fall. Now they have discovered not only is she having trouble adjusting after great grades in HS, but she has had an online correspondence with a 31 year old Marine in NC since the summer and is "in love". They hae spoken to the marine and he has never been married, and assures them his intentions are honorable, although with a 13 year age difference I don't get that at all. The DD went to see him this weekend (paid for her ticket herself) and came back engaged. My friend and his DW are devastated. They feel that if they freak out and forbid this, she will run off for spite. She is 18 and even though they pay for some of her schooling, she is an adult. I don't know the girl that well and from what I did know of her grades and activities I never saw something like this coming. I don't know how to help but I am praying for strength for them to deal with this, and perhaps you will too.
Robin M.

 

[Microcell]

Well, there are ten year between my DH and I (though he acts like a kid so he has actually gotten younger than me!) so I have little room to talk, but I knew him five years before we dated, muchless got married! I hope she waits until after college to marry.

 

[jeleebeene]

She is so young to be getting married. Granted, I was 22 when I got married, but 18 is so young. She has so many years to date - hopefully she will atleast finish school first, or give time to really get to know him.

 

[dianeschlicht]

More important than the age difference here is the fact that she knows only what she has learned from this guy on the internet. Things are not always what they seem, and she is far too young to recognize that. They must be very carefull not to "forbid" anything, because that usually pushes kids that age into just what you DON'T want them to do.

 

[gr8tpanther]

One of my best friends is with a man 16 years her elder, it was really hard for the family to adjust, but they have been together for oh my 12 years or so and are very happy together. I really think that the parents just need to find away to deal with it and be happy IF their DD is truely happy.

 

[phillybeth]

My mom was 18 and my dad was 31 when they met. They dated for two months, got engaged, and were married 8 months after that. 37+ years later they are still married. My aunt (dad's sister) married a man 10 years older than her at 20 and is still married 40+ years later.
Why can't his intentions be honorable? Because he is 13 years older than her? Perhaps he wasn't ready to settle down, hadn't found the right person.

 

[DMickey28]

The only part about this that scares me if that they met over the internet and haven't spent much time in person. I have no problem with the age or the fact the met over the internet. Encourage them to encourage her to spend a lot of inperson time getting to know him...I know with the military there is tending to be more urgency however you never know...... It's could be wonderful, it could be A Lifetime Television for Women movie....

 

[Disney Doll]

Let's work under the assumption that his intentions are honorable.

They are engaged. I'd try and get to know him, if I were her parents, since he is going to be their SIL. I keep a watchful eye on his behavior, how he treats her etc. I'd also "advise" her to try and finish school first, so she has something to fall back on in the event that the relationship fails. I might sit down and talk to both of them regarding thier future plans etc.

If his intentions are honorable, he will want what's best for his bride-to-be.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

There was a 14 year age difference between me and my ex husband...he was the older.

 

[Christine]

That's the scary part with girls. They can be so sensible and good and then WHAM, they just lose it over some guy! Rather than be concerned about the age difference (which at THAT young age is enough of a problem), I am more concerned with the on-line courtship. It is so false. I'm afraid her parents are going to have to let her make this mistake. Let's just hope that it ends up being a minor mistake and he's not some creep. But I am very suspicious of a 31 year old guy who would "fall in love" with an 18 year old on-line. This is definitely stupid behavior for an 18-year old, but scary behavior in a 31 year old man.

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

My opinion only. A girl who is 18 talking with a man of 31 is a problem. That person has no buisness talking with a girl that age. She is probably looking for a attention and I can bet what he's looking for. If she was older, age isn't that big a deal but 18 is to young. She needs to focus on school and getting the most out of life. Settling down at that age shouldn't be a thought. My next biggest concern would be how they met. On the internet? That right there would send a warning sign. People have to be so careful when meeting someone on line. You have no clue about that person. I would not be encouraging this situation if I was the parent.

 

[phillybeth]

We don't know that the relationship has been 100% online to this point. She could have been heading to NC for months now.

I do agree with the poster who said that she should be encouraged to finish school. If she's not happy away from home I'm sure there's a local Community College she can attend for a year or so. And despite all the successful marriages mentioned here, I think they should have a nice, loooooonnnnnng engagement.
BTW, is he heading overseas soon, or at all? This is wartime you know.

 

[VALDAN]

Wow, that's tough. She is still so young that she can't think realistically. You can't fall in love over the internet. You're right in that if the parents freak out and forbid, she only run to him faster.

I hope with a little time it might fade, and she can get back to concentrating on her education.

My best to her parents!

 

[dg39]

When these "kids" get something in there head, there's no stopping it. I know, I have a hard headed teen. Once they hit the 18 yr. mark, they think they know it all and will sometimes do as they please. Sometimes, I think that with the decision these teens make, us as parents have only 2 choices. Either support them or don't. Both are very hard decisions for a parent to make. If you support them, then they think that all is ok and run wild with there choice, if you decide not to, then you run the risk of losing your child. I'll keep the parents of your friend in my prayers and hope that everything will turn out right for all involved.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

My best friend met her DH 4.5 years ago when she was 20 and he was 32. It can work. Have they met this guy?

 

[Rock'n Robin]

The mom has only talked to him by phone. It turns out that she has a relative that is a captain at the same base and she called him to get some info. I doubt that the girl has gone to see him before this weekend because she has no car and goes to school in southern Ohio, he is in NC. She paid to fly there once she finally told her folks about it. We live in NW Ohio. They have to drive 3 hours to see her. I don't know if he may be sent overseas.
I am not saying anything about the age difference, but the fact that a guy this much older is looking for young love on the internet, as several people have mentioned, is bothersome to me. I just want to be supportive, as my friends have always had complete faith in their DD and this came out of nowhere.
Robin M.

 

[phillybeth]

But was he looking for love? There are a lot of places where people can 'meet' online, not just internet dating. They may have met in a chat room like the DIS.
At some point you have to trust you've raised them right and let them go. If this does go poorly, she's going to need her parents more than ever so they need to do everything they can to keep their relationship good.

 

[missyc]

Originally posted by Rock'n Robin
The DD went to see him this weekend (paid for her ticket herself) and came back engaged.

That's nothing. My sister MARRIED the guy during his 1st "in person" visit. They had spoken on the phone a lot. Big whoop. It has been almost 1 1/2 years and she has already filed for divorce. Thank goodness he wasn't dangerous, but just not what she expected. She has 2 kids too (DS10 & DD14)