Friends before family?

[RayaniFoxmur]

I need some other opinions on this cause this just isn't sitting right with me!

In a conversation I had with a very close friend tonight (And someone who I want in my wedding) we were talking about expending energy. Lately, my energy has been spent on school, work, FH and friends.

She told me that was wrong. That it needs to go myself, school, friends, FH. That I should be changing FH and my friends and expend more energy on them than I do him (more attention, more everything).

I don't feel that's right! I feel that my FH is going to become my family and I'm always going to spend more energy on my family than I do my friends. She got mad and stopped talking to me.

Am I wrong in thinking like this? Am I all backwards or something? I feel upset for offending her, but I just don't understand how my friends can come before the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

 

[npealer]

Some friends have a hard time when a man gets in their way. I have BTDT and u know what we are no longer friends, My DH will always come before my friends and he did before we got married. So IMO you were justified. HTH. And on a sidenote I am taking a wild guess that friend is not married??

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

Some friends have a hard time when a man gets in their way. I have BTDT and u know what we are no longer friends, My DH will always come before my friends and he did before we got married. So IMO you were justified. HTH. And on a sidenote I am taking a wild guess that friend is not married??

Nope, not married and not dating. In fact has a broken engagement.

 

[npealer]

People like that really cannot understand. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. Adds stress to a friendship that no one wants. I hope your friend realizes that your FH is part of your life and once you are married even more so. Goodluck!

 

[RNMOM]

When you marry, "two become one". It should be that way. You should spend your time developing this life with your husband and your friends will fit in where they ought...when you have the time and energy. Family always comes first.

 

[Anewman]

Why must we itemize???

All of us have GREAT friends, and not so great friends. Same goes for family members.

If one feels the need to RANK things and make it public to one of the rankees, I would just tell that friend "YOU ARE FAMILY."

 

[poohandwendy]

She can prioritize her life any way she wants and you can too. The fact that she got mad and isn't talking to you over this shows some serious immaturity on her part, IMO.

I suspect she is jealous of your situation. Perhaps because of her broken engagement. I think it is very common for friendships to undergo some stress when our lives take big turns (like marriage, babies, etc). A true friendship lasts. Sometimes the friendship isn't strong enough to handle the changes. I guess only time will tell.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

Why must we itemize???

All of us have GREAT friends, and not so great friends. Same goes for family members.

If one feels the need to RANK things and make it public to one of the rankees, I would just tell that friend "YOU ARE FAMILY."

Please don't think I was ranking... I was just listing the things I've been spending my energy on in no particular order. She's the one that ranked, not me.

 

[Anewman]

Please don't think I was ranking... I was just listing the things I've been spending my energy on in no particular order. She's the one that ranked, not me.

"I'm always going to spend more energy on my family than I do my friends"
"I just don't understand how my friends can come before the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with"


While I agree with you in this case, a spouse is the most important(until kids arrive) and should be a focus. I do not feel that anything good can come of making known to friends that they are not on top of the list, even more so if said friend was around b4 that FH. Again your priorities are in the right place, just that stating it out loud could make her feel less than important(not intentional).


It reminds me of a Sunday morning a couple years back, after church my wife started the whole "who would you stay with in case of divorce" question with our kids(early teens). I begged her to stop this discussion but I know it was mentioned in the sermon so she insisted. The whole time I was motioning to the kids to choose her, but she was telling them to be honest and we did just come from church(she reminded them). Well both chose me, and the water works started and she pretty much stayed in bed the entire day.

And then last Xmas she felt that the present I gave my mother(DVDs) was more thoughtfull than the one she recieved from me...

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

"I'm always going to spend more energy on my family than I do my friends"
"I just don't understand how my friends can come before the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with"


While I agree with you in this case, a spouse is the most important(until kids arrive) and should be a focus. I do not feel that anything good can come of making known to friends that they are not on top of the list, even more so if said friend was around b4 that FH. Again your priorities are in the right place, just that stating it out loud could make her feel less than important(not intentional).


It reminds me of a Sunday morning a couple years back, after church my wife started the whole "who would you stay with in case of divorce" question with our kids(early teens). I begged her to stop this discussion but I know it was mentioned in the sermon so she insisted. The whole time I was motioning to the kids to choose her, but she was telling them to be honest and we did just come from church(she reminded them). Well both chose me, and the water works started and she pretty much stayed in bed the entire day.

And then last Xmas she felt that the present I gave my mother(DVDs) was more thoughtfull than the one she recieved from me...

Why would them knowing that he comes first to me be wrong? If they're stomping around saying that I'm not spending enough time with them or I'm wasting too much energy on him... should I simply agree with them and start spending less time? I'm not getting how you think I should be handling this. She is NOT family to me. He is. I love her dearly and all, but at the end of the day I would not take a bullet for her. I would for him. Whether it makes her feel less important or not, facts are facts and I'm not going to act like I'm putting her in front of him when I'm not...

 

[Anewman]

Then you handled it perfectly and she understood where exactly she fits in, you should not feel upset for offending her since you were just stating facts.

Your priorities(timewise) are 100% right on.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

Then you handled it perfectly and she understood where exactly she fits in, you should not feel upset for offending her since you were just stating facts.

Your priorities(timewise) are 100% right on.

Please forgive me I honestly can't tell if you're being serious or sarcastic

 

[Ranatra]

Honestly, I think your friend's reaction was very immature. To get mad because someone doesn't agree with your point of view and stop talking to them??

You are not wrong to feel the way you do. She is wrong for trying to force her views on you, I don't think a real friend would do that.

I hope she comes around and realizes how foolish she's being. To lose a friend over this would be plain silly.

 

[Stitchfans]

This may sound silly to some people, but who cares. IMO my DH comes before friends, but my DDs come before DH. The way I see it- he can take care of himself better than them since he is older. I try to be there for all of them but sometimes I can only stretch my time so far.

But yes you are right family first before friends- that includes FH

 

[minkydog]

your friend's reaction is not uncommon. It is normal for you to want to spend more time with your fiance. When people are in that stage of life where they start to pair off, friends sometimes feel left out and jealous. They used to be a big part of your life and now they have a lesser role. Even though your FH should be #1, be sure you are spending some time with the girlfriends, time when you aren't talking about HIM or the WEDDING. Time where you're focused on HER, doing things that you girls like to do. Go get pedicures together or give each other a facial. Stay up late and watch "Steel Magnolias" in your jammies. Bring some National Enquirers over, laugh and have fun.

Call her up and tell her you're bringing ice cream. How could she resist

 

[disykat]

You are right, she is wrong. Your future husband should be a priority over your friends. I don't think that's ranking - it's just the way it is. If I were your friend I would be concerned about your future marriage if that wasn't naturally happening.

While you can certainly don't want to dump your friend for your fiance, and you can try to find out if she is feeling neglected, don't feel bad for making your family a priority.

All of my friends have families, and while I know they love me and would do anything for me, I fully EXPECT them to make their husbands and kids a priority over me. It's not even a question.

 

[Luv'sTink]

Your worried about offending her but she is not worried about offending you, seems one sided.

 

[amy4bruce]

First of all, I don't think I'm putting my wife in front of my friends, because my wife is my best friend. I do not put my daughter in front of my wife, because they are both equal to me. I do not put anybody even next to my wife and daughter.

That being said, I have known people effected by the kind of change in priorities that marriage brings about. One person got an immediate divorce because she put her mother above her husband. My wife broke up with her best girlfriend, because the friend couldn't understand why she wasn't more important to my wife than I was.

I'm not judging anybody, because everybody has to live in his or her own body. I do, though, think it's strange when someone doesn't approve of someone who is making a life-long commmitment to another person actually making that commitment.