Friend Issue

[Minnie824]

My best friend and I are both married, in our 30s, have kids, etc. She has 3 kids, youngest being 4yrs. We live about 8 hrs away from each other, so don't get to see each other more than once a year. I had posted late last year, that I found out she was having an affair w/a married man. Her DH had called me, saying he was worried about my friend, asking if she had talked to me, etc. At that point, I had NO idea of anything, told him there was no way she could be having an affair, etc, but I'd talk to her, cuz he really made me worry about her. I honestly did not think it could be true. So, I talked to her, got the real info, then her DH called me two more times - both of which I didn't answer. I can't lie to people and I didn't want to get involved. I have urged her week after week to figure out what she wants and move forward, not just continue on the path she's on.

Anyway, she now announced to me that they're coming to visit us in a few weeks. This is something I'd normally be excited about, but now I'm dreading it. They're all coming down, kids and DH, as if its just another family visit to come see us. I feel really weird about this. I haven't talked to her DH since his initial call to me, and now that I know the truth, thats all I'll be thinking about. Her affair has been going on a year now, and of course the guy is leaving his wife 'soon'. And my friend of course believes him, and can't afford a lawyer, or her own place or any of that.

I'm not really sure why I posted, I guess just to 'talk' about the issue and see if anyone has gone thru this at all and would have any advice. Thanks.

 

[ilovejack02]

Awww im so sorry she has put you in this position.
Does she know her DH called and asked you about it and that he has called back twice to see what she said? I would tell her this and let her know you dont feel comfortable about them coming for a visit. What if he corners you , what does she expect you to do lie??? I couldnt have them over for a visit until it was all resolved.

 

[mommasita]

I would just tell her that you won't be around at that time. I would of course tell her why. Sorry, but I don't think I could look you in the face, I love you, but I can not do it, and it is wrong of you to put me in this position..

If she needs any help, I would be there, but not to condone what she is doing, not one bit. A true friend will understand.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

I guess I'd have to be honest with the friend. Tell her that her husband aleady suspects something and has called you for support. Tell her that until she deals with the issue you're just not comfortable being in the middle. It will be an incredibly difficult conversation to have, but it you don't then I think you'd fall into the "enabling" category.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

You need to let her know that you don't feel comfortable about the situtation she has put you in and really don't want to see them this time around. I'm sorry you are where you are and i hope it gets better!! It stinks when we have to stress aboutotehr peoples problems
good luck to you!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Wow! There's no way I'd let her come for a visit. Her DH is going to take one look at your face and know the truth. Then it's going to be All Your Fault (cheating couples are always looking for a way to deflect blame), and your friend will never speak to you again.

I think you'd be better off telling her gently that her DH thinks she's cheating and has asked you several times and that you have not returned his calls. Tell her you have a lousy poker face and know your face will give away the truth. Tell her you care for her but can't have them visit as a family until the situation is resolved in some way.

 

[stargrazer]

I agree with above posters, you have to be honest about this with your friend, about how you feel. You may also want to let her know the husband has questioned you, and while you have been able to avoid it in the past, you can't lie to him and if he asks you in the future you will not be able to lie to him.

And NEITHER of them should put you in this position! Worst case scenario, maybe if he asks again, that should be your answer...that you don't know, but even if you did, it wouldn't be your place to say and that he should talk to his wife if he wants to know.


Good luck! Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and sold it at a yard sale...so tough.

 

[Amlee]

Wow! Some people just don't think about the postion they are putting people in. As asked above, does she know about her DH calling you? If not let her know. She might just start back tracking out of this trip. If she does and is still putting you in this postion, then let her know you don't like being put in a corner by either her or husband.

I know you don't want to take a chance to ruin a friendship, but to get yourself out of this, it might have to happen. If the DH calls back answer him. Explain that this is something you don't want to get in the middle of and that it's something the two of them needs to work out. He should get the clue. It also lets you off the hook.

 

[Minnie824]

Thanks for the advice...I guess I should talk to her about possibly coming instead when their situation is resolved.

Also, I did tell her that her DH called...that was back in Nov. And she yelled at him for calling, they had the whole argument, etc. I also told her DH when he initially called that I was going to tell my friend he called, so he was expecting that. I explained to her that he was just worried about her, etc. So, she knows he called, he knows I told her that, I've been staying out of it, other than encouraging her to end the whole situation, but everything seems to be at a standstill.

 

[RickinNYC]

I agree with what others have said. You should simply tell your friend your thoughts, particularly how her actions are making you feel uncomfortable because her husband has been asking you whether you knew if she was cheating. It's not fair of her at all for putting you in the middle of this situation, good friend notwithstanding.

 

[grlpwrd]

My best friend and I are both married, in our 30s, have kids, etc. She has 3 kids, youngest being 4yrs. We live about 8 hrs away from each other, so don't get to see each other more than once a year. I had posted late last year, that I found out she was having an affair w/a married man. Her DH had called me, saying he was worried about my friend, asking if she had talked to me, etc. At that point, I had NO idea of anything, told him there was no way she could be having an affair, etc, but I'd talk to her, cuz he really made me worry about her. I honestly did not think it could be true. So, I talked to her, got the real info, then her DH called me two more times - both of which I didn't answer. I can't lie to people and I didn't want to get involved. I have urged her week after week to figure out what she wants and move forward, not just continue on the path she's on.

Anyway, she now announced to me that they're coming to visit us in a few weeks. This is something I'd normally be excited about, but now I'm dreading it. They're all coming down, kids and DH, as if its just another family visit to come see us. I feel really weird about this. I haven't talked to her DH since his initial call to me, and now that I know the truth, thats all I'll be thinking about. Her affair has been going on a year now, and of course the guy is leaving his wife 'soon'. And my friend of course believes him, and can't afford a lawyer, or her own place or any of that.

I'm not really sure why I posted, I guess just to 'talk' about the issue and see if anyone has gone thru this at all and would have any advice. Thanks.

That's difficult because you are in a very compromising position.

I remember the majority of people who responded to threads here about whether we'd tell whether our close friend/family member was cheating would opt not to tell their spouse because most felt it wasn't their business or place to do so.

It really isn't fair to both her dh that she is cheating on and you because you know what is going on and that is a huge burden to bear. I have to agree to try to get out of it. She really needs to tell him herself and not drag you into it.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

She knows he suspects, knows he called you, finally told you the truth, and still wants to come for a "family visit?" Does she expect you to lie for her the whole time she's in your home? I'm not sure I could continue to consider this person a good friend if they were putting me in this position.

 

[Amlee]

Thanks for the advice...I guess I should talk to her about possibly coming instead when their situation is resolved.

Also, I did tell her that her DH called...that was back in Nov. And she yelled at him for calling, they had the whole argument, etc. I also told her DH when he initially called that I was going to tell my friend he called, so he was expecting that. I explained to her that he was just worried about her, etc. So, she knows he called, he knows I told her that, I've been staying out of it, other than encouraging her to end the whole situation, but everything seems to be at a standstill.

I have been in something similar. BF and I did a girls wkend to NOLA. She had a one night stand and ended up pregnant. BF's DH blamed me for the affair. All of his anger was directed at me. Not my BF. I also encourged her to come clean in it all. He found out, by reading her emails. So before this gets worse, get out of it.

 

[disykat]

Don't let her come. The only possible reason I can see for a visit at this time, knowing that you know, is that one or both of them want YOU to be the one to get this all out in the open.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Holy Moly!!! I would tell her not to come down until her affair is over.

 

[rt2dz]

Here's my experience: Had a good guy friend and girl friend. Introduced them. They started dating. He cheated. I told her. He hated me. She stayed with him. She and I grew apart. A few years later. Had a very good guy friend. Reconnected with the same girl friend. Introduced them. They started dating. She started cheating on him. He found out I knew when he found out about it (another friend told me) and got mad at me. They broke up and they both blamed me. I didn't tell!! I had learned my lesson on that. I think you're screwed.

I would tell the girl friend that you don't think you could lie if asked by her DH; that your face would probably give it away even if he doesn't out and out ask. Tell her it makes you very uncomfortable and you're not sure if they should come for the visit. If she says she still wants to come, maybe do let her come or put your foot down. If it were me, and she knew what was up, I'd let her come. But other than that--stay the heck out of it. Quit letting her confide in you. Tell her you think its wrong (provided you do) and she should end on relationship or the other and as far as you're concerned, she on her own. Then be there for her when it comes to the screeching, terrible halt it will come to.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I agree with everyone else - you should be honest with your friend and tell her you can't have them visit until they work everything out. It's an awkward position your friend has put you in, and you shouldn't have to deal with it in your home. Hugs to you!