Friend Issue

[lowie]

my dh and i are close friends with a couple who live 2 doors down. normally our daughters get along well together and used to play often. there is another girl across the street who is what i would call the 'alpha girl' on the block if you KWIM. so when the alpha girl is around her and our friends dd are just plain old mean to my dd.

of course when no one else is around they each want to be my dd's friend. and usually get along very well when it's just one on one.

my dd is not very socially advanced, it's hard for her to make friends and she has a terrible time sticking up for herself. i try to stay out of it but it's getting harder all the time.

so, last night the friends/neighbors invited us to join them for dinner. their dd was outside playing with alpha girl, wanted nothing to do with my dd. came in, ate without even talking or sitting near my dd. left promptly and was very rude overall. she only came in to ask dd to play because they needed a 4th for a game. she declined because she knew they were using her.

it just hurts me that my friends are allowing their dd to pretty much 'use' my dd for a playmate when no one else is around, then be nasty when she has other kids to hang out with.

when my dh mentioned it to the wife her answer was that they 'all need to figure out how to get along' but her daughter doesn't have the problems with alpha girl and doesn't know how it feels to be left out.

it's coming to the point that i want to discontinue the friendship so i'm not putting my dd in the position of being in their home and being ignored by their dd.

 

[Christine]

This a tough situation and it's hard to say how I would feel (bad I'm sure) in your shoes. I probably have 10 different opinions on this but, here is my "objective" non-emotional one:

This woman that you talked to does have a point. The kids really need to learn how to handle it (and they will handle it poorly). It's the whole "pecking order" thing. You have recognized that your DD has some social issues and is not very aggressive. This trait will probably be with her for a long time. I was much like this until I was about 16. I either matured, grew a spine, or got sick of it--I don't know, but at some point I turned into someone who would stick up for myself and not take that crap anymore.

But, it is something that your DD is going to need to do for herself. Now, this doesn't mean that you should set her up for evenings of entertaining where she's going to feel left out, abused, etc., so in that regard, I might cut back some of the socializing. But I don't think you can get mad at the other parents because they will not be able to *make* their girls include your DD. Even if they spoke to them about it, I doubt that this will snap the other girls in line. They are just going to do what the do. The "alpha" child ALWAYS looks for the weaker child to pick on, put down, and exlude. If it is not this girl, it will be another girl somewhere else. It sucks, I know.

Like I said, I don't have any real answers for you because I know it hurts, but this is something that your DD is going to have to work on. As she gets older, it could improve. But maybe not.

 

[kelleigh1]

I agree with Christine's assessment. She makes some valid points.

I once was in a similar situation. I had this "friend" who just couldn't be friends with more than one person at a time. That's how we described it. She was definitely the "alpha". She loved to try to pit us against each other. And we weren't children. We were all adults. I eventually got to the point where I decided I really didn't need this and I walked away from the friendship (which wasn't really a friendship anyway). She hated that because it meant she was no longer in control. What I realized was that she had bigger self-esteem issues than I did and the reason she always treated the rest of us like dirt was to try to make herself feel better.

These kids really do need to learn to deal with it themselves, but try to explain to your daughter that if she is being treated this way, maybe it is time for her to cut ties and find new friends who really do value her as a person. And that just because these girls don't like her or treat her fairly doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with her. Chances are they have their own insecurities and they can't only feel better about themselves by putting other people down.

 

[disykat]

While I agree they need to learn to solve it themselves, I also agree that I'd cut back on socializing with the other family.

Just as you are encouraging your dd to be more assertive, they should also be encouraging their dd to be including yours - especially since she was "company" at the time.