Freezer Meals for an Elderly Couple - Would You Be Offended?

[Wendy31]

Background: My FIL is not doing well at all. My MIL is his full-time caregiver. They have 4 sons (one is my DH). They have always been a very proud couple who value their independence. However, my FIL's care has really become too much for my MIL... there's been a couple of "incidents" within the last month. Additionally, she cannot leave him at home to go grocery shopping or anything like that, & he is no longer able to go anywhere w/ her (except for doctors appointments). The sons are in the early stages of talking & trying to determine what needs to be done.

In the meantime, there's not much I can do, but I want to help in some way. So I was thinking I could maybe prepare some meals that can be frozen & then heated - so she doesn't have to worry about grocery shopping or cooking.

(Also, in just a couple of the comments she's made, I've gotten the impression that his care & meds have become very expensive for them.)

I have never done a lot of freezer cooking. And I was really thinking what we could do is just prepare "extra" when we cook for our family & then take the extras to them. I was thinking things like casseroles & soups maybe? We made a goulash & took that to them w/ a loaf of French bread & some salad, & she acted appreciative & touched. However, this was for her birthday, & I packaged everything together w/ some flowers, a book, & even a cake. I'm not sure if she'll be offended if I start bringing meals to her. But, again, I don't know how else to help.

Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble! My MIL is a recently diagnosed diabetic (within the last year or so), so I also need meals that are diabetic friendly. (I know my birthday meal was not diabetic-friendly!)

In the above scenario, would you be offended if your daughter-in-law brought you some freezer meals? Would you feel like I was trying to take away your independence or feel like I thought you couldn't provide for yourself sufficiently?

Thank you for any suggestions & advice!

 

[NMAmy]

You should ask her! Personally, I wouldn't be offended at all. We went through quite a long time with my parents where I was doing a lot of the cooking. I'd make several different big meals on Sunday and take them half of everything and let them work through the meals for the week. I got into that habit and I still cook several meals on Sunday for DH and I and we eat them throughout the week even though my parents have been gone for several years now.

It sounds like a great way to help out but I'd just ask her if it would be something they'd like and ask for suggestions for meals.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

No, I wouldn't feel offended at all.
It's a common practice among my family to cook meals for others in time of need.

 

[mjkacmom]

At the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer, she was my dad's caregiver (Alzheimer's). One thing that helped so much were meals - in single serve containers - that could be frozen and reheated. It was a lifesaver! Disposable containers, labeled - they were perfect.

 

[Malibustyle23]

I think in the circumstances she will welcome and appreciate the thought and assistance.

It may also be a good idea to offer or insist that she take a break to run an errand or just get out for a minute. You or one of her son's can hopefully sit with her husband while she runs out. Caretaking can be mentally, physically and emotionally draining. She may say she doesn't need it but she does. You could even take her to lunch or just out grocery shopping while your Dh sits with his dad.

Sorry for your family's situation.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would ask/tell her that you just want to try to be helpful and contribute and she would be doing you a favor by letting your provide some meals.
Put things in single serving portions and label them with directions on how to heat and the date and the entree. This might be helpful later when/if you need to clean out their freezer.
I would also take over chopped up veggies and fruits for easy snacking or even pre-made things like chicken salad.

I don't know how far things are with your FIL but if it is an option, speak with his doctor about a "prescription" for home health care to come in and just help with the general everyday things that would give your MIL a break.

 

[LisaR]

My mom is 85 and also has that, "very proud and values her independence" thing going, too. She never wants help, hates asking for help when she needs it, and when she does, I think it just makes her feel less independent. Having said that, the one thing my mom ALWAYS appreciates is food! She doesn't want anything to do with something like Meals on Wheels because it makes her feel poor and dependent, but she really likes when my brother, cousin, or niece bring her dinner. My dad, FIL, and my sister's FIL also all seemed to be very open to food!

Couple suggestions:
I don't know how old they are, but I find the elderly eat very little. What I think of as a small portion is HUGE to her. So making something like an entire lasagna and freezing it might last them forever and get freezer burn. I think if you live close enough and can run over small portions from your dinner, that would be ideal. Your MIL can always freeze it.

I find my mom likes some really simple things a few days a week. Some nights she just doesn't feel like anything more than cheese and crackers or a cup of soup. Maybe think of a few things for their pantry like a few cans of soup, crackers, and a couple slices of pizza wrapped up and kept in the freezer for her to nuke.

My mom almost always has room for dessert. It doesn't matter that she didn't eat much for dinner, she wants dessert! lol I buy a cookies and cream pie in the freezer section (I think the brand is Edwards or something like that). I open it and cut it up into slices for her and stick it back in the freezer. She can grab a piece anytime. I also keep a couple bags of cookies that she likes around so she can have one with her coffee. She never seems to turn down dessert!

 

[pocomom]

I think in the circumstances she will welcome and appreciate the thought and assistance.

It may also be a good idea to offer or insist that she take a break to run an errand or just get out for a minute. You or one of her son's can hopefully sit with her husband while she runs out. Caretaking can be mentally, physically and emotionally draining. She may say she doesn't need it but she does. You could even take her to lunch or just out grocery shopping while your Dh sits with his dad.

Sorry for your family's situation.

This. Yes. It's possible that going grocery shopping herself could feel good to her. Certainly getting some sort of break from constant caretaking would. I would talk to her, make some suggestions but just really listen about what will help her out best. Perhaps even paying for someone to come in a couple hours ? That way she could do whatever she needed/wanted.

 

[mrsstats]

I did this when my FIL was ill from cancer. I made dishes, put them in containers that could just be reheated in the micro. They did appreciate it and her daughter also ate some of the meals when she was there helping out.

 

[asta]

I think this is a wonderful thing to do for them. I only have one suggestion based on what we are going through with my 87 year old mother. She has been in poor health and my sweet sister-in-law has brought several meals over. The problem is that my mother has gotten incredibly picky and, like someone else mentioned, does not eat a lot. My mother has asked me several times to discretely get rid of some dishes she would not eat. She would never want my sister-in-law to find out that she is throwing the food out. So if it is not too much trouble find out what she is used to eating and package it in small quantities.

 

[Mizzoufan]

She might enjoy the distraction of getting away even to something as simple as the grocery store. I don't see any harm in bringing food. If it was me I'd offer to come and sit with him. Just because I'm sure she needs a break.

 

[gotomu212]

Another option is to bring over uncooked ingredients put together so she can still cook it but doesn't have to worry about shopping/chopping/organizing. My mom liked to cook when my dad was sick because it was a fun break and the food was fresher. That said she didn't have time to do all the prep work so we'd measure and chop food, put the raw ingredients in baggies with instructions to mix it all together and bake/sauté/whatever. She could have a fresh meal in 15 minutes.

She might like that she's still independent and cooking but getting help with the grunt work.

 

[LJSquishy]

I can't imagine she'd be offended. You can always approach it in a more delicate and positive way, such as saying you tried a new recipe and thought it would be something they'd enjoy so you made an extra serving for them to try...then gradually, bring meals over more often until it's on a regular basis (or however often you think they'd need it or you have time for).

You can even consider getting them a subscription to a produce CSA/Co-op that delivers or something like that if that exists in your area. In my area I subscribed to Full Circle delivery for a while and it was fun receiving organic produce at my doorstep!

Ultimately, as you know, something will have to be done on a more permanent basis -- she can't stay cooped up all of the time just because he can't be left alone or can't tag along. It's not healthy for her.

 

[NFLDERS]

Background: My FIL is not doing well at all. My MIL is his full-time caregiver. They have 4 sons (one is my DH). They have always been a very proud couple who value their independence. However, my FIL's care has really become too much for my MIL... there's been a couple of "incidents" within the last month. Additionally, she cannot leave him at home to go grocery shopping or anything like that, & he is no longer able to go anywhere w/ her (except for doctors appointments). The sons are in the early stages of talking & trying to determine what needs to be done.

In the meantime, there's not much I can do, but I want to help in some way. So I was thinking I could maybe prepare some meals that can be frozen & then heated - so she doesn't have to worry about grocery shopping or cooking.

(Also, in just a couple of the comments she's made, I've gotten the impression that his care & meds have become very expensive for them.)

I have never done a lot of freezer cooking. And I was really thinking what we could do is just prepare "extra" when we cook for our family & then take the extras to them. I was thinking things like casseroles & soups maybe? We made a goulash & took that to them w/ a loaf of French bread & some salad, & she acted appreciative & touched. However, this was for her birthday, & I packaged everything together w/ some flowers, a book, & even a cake. I'm not sure if she'll be offended if I start bringing meals to her. But, again, I don't know how else to help.


Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble! My MIL is a recently diagnosed diabetic (within the last year or so), so I also need meals that are diabetic friendly. (I know my birthday meal was not diabetic-friendly!)

In the above scenario, would you be offended if your daughter-in-law brought you some freezer meals? Would you feel like I was trying to take away your independence or feel like I thought you couldn't provide for yourself sufficiently?

Thank you for any suggestions & advice!

I've not read other replies as yet but I just wanted to express how lucky your Mil & Fil are to have you. My experience with my Mom in our home for 5 years (3 Palliative) would have been so much easier if we'd had what you are offering. It is overwhelming to be caregivers 24/7. My DH & I only received 2 hrs a week in the 3rd. & 4th yr, increasing to 4 hrs a week in the last yr of her care, from our provincial home care program. This did not allow time for much of anything shopping for meals became the sole activity.

I hope your replies here are endearing, and will keep you, and your family in prayer. God Bless.

 

[cijay]

I think feeding people is one of the kindest gestures a person can do. You think about it - you invite people over and you bring out some kind of nibbly - either a meal or some snacks. You go on picnics with people, you go out with them and eat, you make people soup and cookies if they're sick (I mean universal 'you'...I sure as heck wouldn't give anyone anything I cooked!). I don't see anthing offensive in taking the meals to your mother in law.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I echo several other posters. Yes, bring some meals over. That is kind of you and a sweet gesture. But what I'm sure would be even more appreciated is breaks for your MIL. As a mom of two little ones (yes, I realize it's different than caring for an elderly spouse), getting a meal delivered is great but what I would love even more is someone to watch my kids for an hour for me to sit at Panera or something once in a while.

 

[Planogirl]

Does she enjoy cooking? If she does then she might prefer to continue to do so at least some of the time. The idea of making sure that she has the chance to get out is a super one.

 

[HeatherC]

If she enjoys cooking, do any of the local supermarkets deliver? Here we have Peapod from Stop and Shop...can be a huge help when people can't get to the market.

 

[andiraye]

My grandmother was VERY proud and independent but she always appreciated when my mom brought her food. I think if you are afraid of offending her you can couch it in terms of "I love you both and want to show you my love and support. There is not much I can do to help you right now, but I can do this. Please let me give you this gift." Frame it as a gift of love, not charity. I think most people see gifts of food that way, as opposed to money or things that remove independence, like caretakers.

 

[lustergirl]

OP: Sounds like a great idea and I do the same with my mom. She is 87 now and it is getting harder for her to get around. Right now she is wearing a boot because she fractured a couple bones in her foot. I help her (she still is independent and wants to help) make meals and freeze them in single containers. We make stuff like soup, stew, and chili. She will take one out and reheat when she wants to eat them. Sometimes her whole freezer is full of little containers.