Foster Parents: How do you do it?

[lizardqueen]

OK, DH and I have had our foster kids (aka DD and DS) since Oct 2005. DS was 6 weeks old when we got him. Now, all of a sudden, they are having court ordered overnight visits with the bio parents. I think I am going to go insane. Their first one was last week for one night. I did ok, but when the kids came home, they were a mess. Now, they just left today for a 2 night overnight visit this week. Will it get better? For them and for us? The bios situation has not been great over the last 16 months, so we were shocked to see them granting overnight visits with possible reunification on Feb. 14th. There is nobody for us to turn to on our end, no "counseling" or support groups. Nobody from DYFS to even call us and say "thanks for taking care of the kids for the past year and a half, but". So how do you say goodbye when you know that things at the other home are not great, do you always wonder how the kids are doing? Does it drive you insane?

 

[shirleyb]

Michelle,
I am not a foster parent, but I really feel for you. We have good friends that have done the foster parenting for years. They had several babies that they bonded with that eventually went back to their bio parents.

Last year, they were finally able to adopt a little brother and sister. They had had the little boy since the day he was released from the hospital and I think the little girl was about 15 mo old.

No advice, but hugs and best wishes.

 

[ilovejack02]

Hi Michelle, boy i must have major hormones today. I sitting here crying my eyes out after reading your post. I dont have anything to say, but Im so sorry you are going through this.
Put this thread on the family board too, might get some good help there.

 

[budbeerlady]

Hugs to you, it takes very special people to be foster parents. I wouldnt have the patience to deal with the court system! I saw in your signature that you are hoping to adopt them, I will add you to my prayer list and hope for the best!

 

[luvwinnie]

I have no experience with this, but I cannot imagine raising children and loving them and then having to turn them over to people who are really strangers to them. So heartbreaking. Praying for you all.

 

[ilovejack02]

Oh do you know about Casa? Im not sure if they could be any help to you, but maybe. Casa is a national volunteer group, it stands for Court appointed child advocate. They help out foster children and children in group homes etc they act as a liaison between courts and children they make sure that what is happening in the child's life is the best thing for them. Im not sure if they could do anything for you, but maybe point you in the direction of counseling if it comes to you all needing that.

http://www.nationalcasa.org/index.asp

 

[lizardqueen]

Oh do you know about Casa? Im not sure if they could be any help to you, but maybe. Casa is a national volunteer group, it stands for Court appointed child advocate. They help out foster children and children in group homes etc they act as a liaison between courts and children they make sure that what is happening in the child's life is the best thing for them. Im not sure if they could do anything for you, but maybe point you in the direction of counseling if it comes to you all needing that.

http://www.nationalcasa.org/index.asp

During one of their child permanancy reviews, that committee recommended to the judge that the children be appointed CASA workers, but it was never done and nobody could tell me why. Still to this day when I ask about it, nobody can give me an answer.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

I'm not a foster parent, but I've looked into it quite a bit. Right now, I couldn't face what you might be going through. That is stopping me from even considering foster/adopt.

Is the goal reunification or TPR with these kids? Are you kept up to date as to whether or not the bio. parents are working their service plan or not? You say that things in their home are not great. I don't know exactly what you are referring to, but is the social worker well aware of that situation? Also, is there a date set for a TPR hearing? Are you documenting the childrens' behavior after the overnight visits? I would document it and somehow send the documentation to the social worker, unless you think that that would make it look like you're working against reunification. Do the kids see a therapist, and might the therapist be able to vouch for the fact that the overnights to the bio parents' house are upsetting to the kids?

If they do try reunification, do you think that it will fail? Can you somehow be kept in the loop so that the kids will go back to you if/when reunification does fail? I think that you need to stay on top of the social worker to make sure that they are well aware that you want the kids back if reunification fails. Are you foster/adopt or just foster? Do you have any contact with the bio parents, and might they still allow you to see the kids if they are reunified?

I am so sorry that you are going through this I'll send out good vibes that you get to adopt these 2 kids.

 

[Hillbeans]

My heart breaks after reading your post. Hugs to you.

I don't know what to say really - granted, if the Bio parents have their act together and can now take care of their children with their past issues behind them, then I do think they should get them back - that is the reason for Foster care.

If they are unfit to be parents then I obviously think you should be granted custody of them since they obviously seem happy and healthy in your care.

Bless you for giving your heart and home to these precious children - you have given them such a wonderful gift.

 

[ilovejack02]

During one of their child permanancy reviews, that committee recommended to the judge that the children be appointed CASA workers, but it was never done and nobody could tell me why. Still to this day when I ask about it, nobody can give me an answer.

Can you get in touch with your local chapter and see if they can help. I know that their are privacy laws and all that. Who is the committee that recommended it can you get in touch with them. Even if you have to hand the kiddies back to the parents, they need to still have a casa advocate on their side. Im pretty sure the courts will continue to follow up with them for a while.

 

[tink1978]

OK, DH and I have had our foster kids (aka DD and DS) since Oct 2005. DS was 6 weeks old when we got him. Now, all of a sudden, they are having court ordered overnight visits with the bio parents. I think I am going to go insane. Their first one was last week for one night. I did ok, but when the kids came home, they were a mess. Now, they just left today for a 2 night overnight visit this week. Will it get better? For them and for us? The bios situation has not been great over the last 16 months, so we were shocked to see them granting overnight visits with possible reunification on Feb. 14th. There is nobody for us to turn to on our end, no "counseling" or support groups. Nobody from DYFS to even call us and say "thanks for taking care of the kids for the past year and a half, but". So how do you say goodbye when you know that things at the other home are not great, do you always wonder how the kids are doing? Does it drive you insane?

I work with foster children..I am a therapist at a foster care agency, not DCS. Anyway, I understand how you feel. I frequently get angry at DCS for making such poor decisions regarding the kids that they are supposed to be protecting. I don't know what state you are in, but here in TN, there is a huge push by the DCS commissioner to get as many kids out of custody as quickly as possible regardless of the circumstances. Also, at the 15 month mark, DCS has been instructed to reunify or terminate. I know that you are extremely attached to your kids (b/c they are basically your kids) and that is great! Since overnights have started taking place...keep a careful watch on how they behave when they come back from passes, whether they appear to have been abused/neglected/etc, and make sure that you voice your concerns. If there are enough concerns and you can get someone on your side to help you voice them, you may be able to prevent the children from being further damaged. DCS many times thinks that small children don't need therapy and don't need transition, but they need it just as much as the teens do, maybe more so....for them, you are their parents and they have no idea who their birth parents are. They need transition. If you think it is damaging to them the way DCS is doing it, get involved. If the children have a Guardian ad Litem (attorney), talk with that person and express your concerns, chances are that they will agree. Hope that helps and feel free to IM me to discuss it further.

 

[noahynav]

You are in my prayers, I think it is an amazing thing you do. How heartbreaking to have to go through that.

Actually, I feel devastated for your children. Do they even know their bio parents? How scary for them to be taken away from the people who have loved and raised them since babies. They must be so terribly confused. It frustrates me that this is how our system works. It does not seem like this type of situation would ever be in the best interest of any child. Kids need stability.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like this is being pushed through much too quickly.

We also looked into fostering, and I was afraid I couldn't handle it (that's why I have so many animals at my house, just can't bear to worry about them after they're gone). I do want to tell you and all other foster parents what a wonderful thing you're doing. You're making a real difference in children's lives.

We had friends who fostered and eventually did wind up adopting 3 of the foster children. I know they had major issues with the department that they worked through. The often felt like they were expected to take such good care of the children themselves but that the bio parents weren't held to the same standards.

Best wishes...

 

[ZachnElli]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Michelle! I'll be praying for you and the children. My dh had a foster brother when he was a kid and I know it was very hard for him when they sent his brother back to his bio dad. His parents had the foster child for 2 years.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

I hate to say this because it may upset you but if you question their decisions the 'powers that be' may decide you're 'too attached' to the children and take them from you if they don't go back to the bios or not let you have them if the 'reunification' doesn't work out. Its not fair but I've known it to happen.

 

[MinnieFan4ever]

Can I ask what state you live in?

 

[CathrynRose]

I hate to say this because it may upset you but if you question their decisions the 'powers that be' may decide you're 'too attached' to the children and take them from you if they don't go back to the bios or not let you have them if the 'reunification' doesn't work out. Its not fair but I've known it to happen.

Thats what I am afraid of, too.

And the thing is, Fostering is to do exactly what is happening here. I mean, thats the point. It sucks - but that is why youre "supposed" to be doing it.

Howvere - I give you a ton of credit, cuz it would be a cold day in heck that I could "raise" a child and hand them over. I would never be a foster-parent, ever! I could never do it....

Im sorry this is happening to you. Try and visualize things turing out the way YOU want.... and be insistant upon your visualization. I truly belive we create the atmosphere around us, by our own thoughts.

Good luck to you, for real.