forgiveness **update**

[wdw4us]

I need to be able to forgive someone close to me. I am trying but it sure is hard. I wonder if any of you know any good books to read so that I can maybe find a different perspective on this.

I would appreciate a bit of guidance.

**UPDATE** I spoke to this person via the phone on Friday and really layed in on the line how much they hurt me and made them understand my feelings. I don't think they understood how they had hurt me. By not expressing my feelings, it made it so much worse for me to cope and for them to know what they had done. On the phone I could say everything and not break down and cry (I was at work). They listened and now have a better picture. We are working this out, but it will take some time to get over it. I re-read that post, not forgiving is like swallowing posion and waiting for the other person to die - that really hit home. I was dying - not them, I was suffering- not them. I don't want them to suffer, I want ME to get better. Thank you all. I am better, we are better. I didn't know where to turn but I'm glad I turned here.
While not totally over it, you all made some very good points that I can refer back to and of course read some of those books suggested.**



Thank you,

denise

 

[DukeStreetKing]

You didn't say what you need to forgive this person for, but you really won't find the answer in a book. Forgiveness comes from the heart. When you are truly ready to forgive this person, it will just happen. Harboring grudges or ill-will towards someone is such an emotionally and sometimes physically draining thing to do.

Good luck.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Good wishes, Denise.

 

[mark&sue]

I don't know about everyone else but this worked for me.

Once you have made up your mind to forgive and you are sure you want to and you have decided to start from fresh:-

Then put the thought of what ever it was that happened away. Block it out. When it pops back into your mind think of something nice like a vacation to Disney or something mundane like what you need to buy at the shops. Get used to putting the thought away. gradually the thought of what ever it was does not come up so much, it will at first but keep thinking of something else. Do not bring it up every time you argue about anything else and very soon you can forgive and get on with the rest of your life.

Again this will only work if you are really sure that you want to forgive.

Good luck and you will get through this.


Susan

 

[wdw4us]

DukeStreetKing - yes you are right. It will take some time. It has been a roller coaster and none of it pleasant.

Dan, as usual, thanks for being there all the time.

denise

 

[live4christp1]

http://www.christianbook.com/Christ...earch&N=0&Ne=0&event=ESRCN&nav_search=1&cms=1


Lots of books on forgiveness here. But I agree, it has to come from the heart, no real right or wrong way about it. It's something we have to choose to do and sometimes you have to choose it again and again and again, as it comes to mind. You have to remind yourself that "I have forgiven that".

This song is a reminder to me that sometimes we put off forgiveness until it is to late.

Little Mickey Johnson was my very best friend
First grade we swore we'd stay that way to the end
In 7th grade somebody stole my bike
I asked Mickey if he knew who did it;
And he lied

You see it was him; Oh, when I found out
It hit me like a ton of bricks
I can still see that look on his face
When I said,I never want to talk to you again

CHORUS:
Sometimes we lose our way
And don't say things we should say
We hold on to stubborn pride
When we should put it all aside
To waste the time forgiving seemed so senseless
When one little word should be so hard
Forgiveness

A little card arrived on my wedding day
"Best Wishes from an old friend" was all it had to say
No return address, no not even a name
The messy way that it was written gave it away

It was him; oh, I just had to laugh
As the past came flooding through my mind
I should have picked up the phone right then and there
But I just didn't make the time

Sunday morning paper arrived on my step
First thing I read filled my heart with regret
I saw a name I hadn't seen in a while
Said he was was survived by a wife and a child

And it was him; Oh, I found out
Tears just fell like rain
And I realized that I missed my chance
To ever talk to him again

Little Mickey Johnson was my very best friend

 

[Rella Bella]

We have used a wonderful book for years in couples counseling
"The Freedom of Forgiveness" by David Augsburger
(ISBN: 0-8024-2875-4, Moody Press)

This book does an excellent job of explaining how our emotions work and also once you've decided to forgive how to accept the changes you have to make in order for it to work. And what is required of the other person.

You didn't say who the person is, but the principals in this book have helped me immensely in many relationships. We read this the first winter of our marriage and it has also had a huge impact on how we deal with the ups, downs and inevitable hurts of marriage.

 

[Chicago526]

This is just my own point of view, not religious in any way.

You forgive a person when you are ready to. You can't force it and sometimes can be a LONG time before you are ready. Time doesn't heal wounds, but it can give us the distance and perspective we need to see the situation clearly.

Also, I don't feel you (a general sort of you, not directed at any specific person) shouldn't forgive someone if they haven't changed their ways. If they are just going to commit the same offence again, there's not much point.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

This is just my own point of view, not religious in any way.

You forgive a person when you are ready to. You can't force it and sometimes can be a LONG time before you are ready. Time doesn't heal wounds, but it can give us the distance and perspective we need to see the situation clearly.

Also, I don't feel you (a general sort of you, not directed at any specific person) shouldn't forgive someone if they haven't changed their ways. If they are just going to commit the same offence again, there's not much point.

I agree! If a person is not sorry for what they have done (assuming they have done something to hurt you, etc) then forgiveness is not appropriate. Not saying that it should eat you up inside, but if they haven't changed their ways and asked to be forgiven (or at least shown that they are worthy of forgiveness), how can you forgive?

Sorry you're having a tough time!

 

[RitaZ.]

You didn't say what you need to forgive this person for, but you really won't find the answer in a book. Forgiveness comes from the heart. When you are truly ready to forgive this person, it will just happen. Harboring grudges or ill-will towards someone is such an emotionally and sometimes physically draining thing to do.

Good luck.

Very well said. I don't know of any books, but when you are ready to forgive that person, it will just happen. BTW, forgiving isn't about the other person, it's really about yourself and letting go of the pain and anger.

 

[Fortuosity]

http://www.worldcatlibraries.org/wcpa/top3mset/f6fa18257dde5bf6a19afeb4da09e526.html


Back cover: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/084...0179935?_encoding=UTF8&p=S009&j=0#reader-page


If you’re interested, I have an extra copy I’d be willing to give you.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

For me, forgiveness isn't nearly as hard as learning to trust again.

 

[missypie]

I am horrible at foregiveness. I can never understand how people who have had, for example, childhoods with abusive parents, can forgive them and have a good adult relationship with them.

I always tell myself that forgiveness is something I do for myself....it takes a lot to harbour anger, resentment, etc. It's easier on a person to not feel angry.

When I feel that someone doesn't deserve forgiveness, I tell myself that Godh as forgiven me, and that I don't deserve that.

 

[wdw4us]

thank you all for taking the time to respond. I will certainly find these books and hope it helps me. But really your caring words have done a lot for me. I really appreciate your imput.

This person is really sorry for what they have done and is working towards helping me through my pain. Sometimes a few kind words from strangers here are like that arm around my shoulder. The DIS comfort society - thank you so very much.

I knew someone here would help. You always do.

denise

 

[graygables]

I heard a quote once, "Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." How true is that! Also, not forgiving someone gives them power over you. That's another one to think about.

It took me a very long time to get to the point where I could forgive my ex for the things he did to me and my DDs. *BUT*, it was also very important for me to realize that, although I had forgiven him, there are lifelong consequences that we have to live with and that will never go away. And, I still have moments of anger, but they come further and further apart as time passes.

I hope you are able to find forgiveness and peace!

 

[dmslush]

During a presentation that I was giving on domestic violence yesterday, a student (college aged) actually asked me how I forgave my ex husband for the abuse that he put dd and myself through.

I told them that I think forgiveness is a subjective term.. it is looked at differently by everyone. I do not let what my ex did to me and shelby define us. He victimized us and that was wrong. We did not deserve it. We were the innocent victims caught up in the whirlwind of his self destruction. I accept that. I accept it, and I put it down. It has made me more aware, it has made me more suspicious, and our lives will never be the same for it. But, I have also grown in the fact that I will never let myself, nor my child, be victimized in that manner again.

It took me a while to do that. I took me years to do that, and for many of those years I have been in a healthy, happy relationship. Anger at my ex held me back, it bogged me down. It took the death of my granny to realize that I just don't have time in this life to stay angry when it is not doing anything to solve the problem.

I hope for your sake that you are able to take whatever has been done to you and accept it. Accept that it is not your fault and you didn't deserve it. But, don't let it define who you are. However, if it is bad, don't feel that you must continue a relationship with this person if it cannot be a healthy relationship.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Denise.. I forgave someone close to me, or they were close to me, when they said something so cruel that I almost couldn't bear it....I forgave them, but I do not think they could forgive themselves....what I am saying here is that the action brought about a distance between us that I do not believe can ever be rectified.

In my heart, I forgave her, but it has never been the same.

 

[RitaZ.]

what I am saying here is that the action brought about a distance between us that I do not believe can ever be rectified.

In my heart, I forgave her, but it has never been the same.

This is a good point.

I used to think that forgiving meant having to resume a relationship/friendship pretending as though nothing had happened. Since I couldn't see myself doing that, I figured I couldn't forgive. I think other people think that way too.

In case of a friendship, it may be necessary to part ways. In case of a spouse, forgiving is more complicated depending on the offense. Either way, I think it's about oneself, not the other person. Carrying that pain and anger is very destructive, not to the other person that hurt us, but only to us.

 

[Buckalew11]

Hugs, Denise. I hope you can work this out. As others have said, it really hurts you more than the other person. Asking God to help me forgive, when I think I can't, is always the first place to start because I believe God promises us this when we are told in Philipians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Best wishes on something that sounds very important to you.

 

[Fortuosity]

Thanks for the update. Best wishes.