For those who have 2 or more children...

[camdensmom]

I would love to get your opinions as I don't want to ask my "real life people" since it involves them.

I'm just curious how you feel about exchanging gifts with families who only have one child. In my specific situation DH and I have one son. We each have a sibling and they each have 3 children. So basically we are buying 6 Christmas gifts while our siblings each only have to buy 1.

We are basically financially equal to our siblings/inlaws. Do you think each child should receive a gift that is relatively equal to the same dollar amount? This is what we have done so far.

We don't see either family too often (they live 1 and 3 hours away) and none of the kids need more "stuff." I wanted to suggest that in the future we skip the gifts and instead plan a daytrip together.

How would you feel if this were suggested to you?

I should probably add that I think I'm a bit bitter about the whole thing because one family never appreciates the gifts. We are often asked for a gift receipt and the gifts will frequently get left behind. We stopped exchanging with the adults a few years ago.

Thanks in advance for sharing your opinions. Having only one child it's hard to know what others might think.

 

[LisaMommy]

Are you bitter about you spending more than them? Or the fact that they don't appreciate the gifts? If it's the former, do they're husbands/wives have siblings with children which would mean they are buying more than the one gift, for children on the other side of their families? Not trying to be rude or anything, just trying to get all the information.

As for suggesting a family outing as apposed to bunches of gifts, I would love that idea. Especially since you said they sometimes leave the gifts behind, I doubt that they really get much use out of them. But a nice day out with their cousins doing something fun, and creating memories, sounds wonderful.

You need to think if you're siblings/siblings-in-law would be rational about this and think "well, it's better than more junk around the house" or if they would get upset that you didn't want to buy them presents. You know them best.

 

[karliebug]

Or, how about giving a family gift like movie passes, snotubing passes or a big gift basket of snacks and maybe a dvd? That way there is something for everyone. I love the idea of doing something together because toys will be eventually cast aside and forgotten but memories last forever.

 

[Aliceacc]

I have 4 sibilngs, my husband has 2. Each of my siblings except one has 3 kids; some of those kids now have grandkids.

The informal rule at Christmas Eve is that we buy for anyone under 18.

To be honest, the money doesn't enter into it. One sister is very financially stable; she got my kids games for their new Wii. (I got her kids a Wii game, a DS game, and a Vera Bradley bag.) Another sister is in a more precarious financial place; she got each of the kids PJs-- my youngest wore hers from Christmas Eve until I MADE her take them off on the 26th. (I got her grandkids ride on Fisher-Price toys and an electronic Twister kind of game.)

The year when my brother's kids were little and he was on strike, he didn't get the other kids anything. Instead, each of us independently decided to throw a few extra gifts in the car from Santa. His kids had a great Christmas.

I think it's about finding the right gifts within whatever budget each family is working with.

The famlily outing sounds wonderful, though it wouldn't be practical for us; there are just too many of us. (There were 33 of us at mom's on Christmas Eve, and it was all imediate family.) Why not suggest it soon for next year??

 

[mjkacmom]

Do you all get together? If so, a grab bag is a great idea. I only exchange with my sister's kids, and I have 5, she has 3, so I like to spend a little more on her kids gifts.

On a similar note, DH has a stepbrother, with older kids. Every year, before we even had kids, we bought his 3 children a gift. My oldest is 5 years younger than his youngest, and DH's sisters kids are younger, too. When our 3rd was born, and DH's sisters had 2 and 1, DH's stepbrother decided it was time to stop exchanging gifts. Sure, his kids got gifts for over 10 years from everyone...

 

[WantToGoNow]

My half-siblings kids are all grown and out of state with their own kids and don't come back for Christmas so we don't see them; my dh has two brothers and neither has any children. My two younger kids (7 and 5) exchange gifts with my cousin's kids (8, 5, 4, 1). We set a $$ limit for the kids and we spent the same on everyone - yes, she only had to buy 2 and I had to buy 4 - but the focus on Christmas isn't what we spend vs. what we get. Next year this family will be going to Disney with us right after Thanksgiving (their first trip) so we probably will have a much smaller Christmas.

 

[Miss LD]

We have a similar problem with my cousin.
My sister and I each have 2 kids and my cousin has 1 and 1 on the way. We all do Christmas and birthdays.
It ends up that she is buying gifts for 4 kids and we are buying for one (soon to be 2).
It is hard because we try to spend extra so that we are equalling her gifts, but it seems unfair to her. Plus, because we spend more on her daughter she ends up getting huge gifts to our kids small ones. I don't mind, but I also don't want our kids resenting hers, and it was kind of happening a bit this year. They are still too young to understand it.
I think this coming Christmas we're going to make it smaller so it's fun again.

 

[tzolkin]

Well, I'm the opposite position. We have 3 children. I have three siblings. One has one child (almost 2). One just found out she's pregnant. One has no children. My oldest will be 10 next week. They have all been buying her presents for 10 years. Then I had the other two. I will admit that I feel guilty and don't like them to buy too much for the kids because they are buying three presents and I'm not buying them any. They also buy for my kids' birthdays because we live very close and usually get together. We have been buying a nicer gift for my one niece because I feel that my sister is buying me 3 and I'm only buying her one so it should be something more expensive. However, I also do this because this sister is a very poor single mom and she has always been very generous and is the only person in my family who has ever offered to watch my kids.

I tell my siblings every year that they do not NEED to buy for my kids and if they want to, the kids will be very happy with something inexpensive. Personally, I would rather do an activity than get a gift, so I love your idea. I've been trying to convince my family of this for years. My kids are honestly not going to remember when they're adults that Uncle John bought them a certain toy, but they will remember him taking them to a museum or a park.

 

[crisi]

I have one sibling with two kids and I have two kids. These are the only grandchildren.

We go pretty minimalist. I buy two gifts for each of her kids - one from their aunt and uncle and another from their cousins. They buy two gifts for my kids (but I could care less if they buy one family gift - as could the kids). None of the gifts are "big" and at least one is "slightly educational or crafty."

We have far too much plastic in our house (both of us) - the toys seem to breed. Do my kids what more - sure, but they really don't play with what they have to start with......

 

[Mickeypooh99]

My sister has 3 kids, and I have 2. It doesn't bother me at all to buy the extra gift. I buy for my nieces and nephews because I love them and want to give them something they will enjoy. My stepsister has 1 child, and she buys for my 2 and my sisters 3. She bought my kids a combined gift of a board game this year, and that was fine with me. I also have a step brother with no kids, and he will buy each of my kids a savings bond each year. So he is basically getting nothing in return. I never expected him to gift the kids, but I think he wants to do it.


I think a family gift would be a great idea if you don't want to buy so much.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have 4 sibilngs, my husband has 2. Each of my siblings except one has 3 kids; some of those kids now have grandkids.

The informal rule at Christmas Eve is that we buy for anyone under 18.

To be honest, the money doesn't enter into it. One sister is very financially stable; she got my kids games for their new Wii. (I got her kids a Wii game, a DS game, and a Vera Bradley bag.) Another sister is in a more precarious financial place; she got each of the kids PJs-- my youngest wore hers from Christmas Eve until I MADE her take them off on the 26th. (I got her grandkids ride on Fisher-Price toys and an electronic Twister kind of game.)

The year when my brother's kids were little and he was on strike, he didn't get the other kids anything. Instead, each of us independently decided to throw a few extra gifts in the car from Santa. His kids had a great Christmas.

I think it's about finding the right gifts within whatever budget each family is working with.

The famlily outing sounds wonderful, though it wouldn't be practical for us; there are just too many of us. (There were 33 of us at mom's on Christmas Eve, and it was all imediate family.) Why not suggest it soon for next year??

This is pretty much us too. We have the most kids currently. We never really talk about a price that we should all spend. We each buy what we can afford and what we want to. If I spend $50 on your child I don't expect you to spend $50 back. Buy what you are comfortable with. I do get the feeling though that because you have one child you are a little resentful that you have to buy for their multiple children. I could be wrong but it seems that way. If they each had only one child would your issues with the gift still be the same? Do you feel that your child should get more because she is an only? I think you have to really look at what your motivation is that is causing your annoyance with them. I think an outing is a great idea but if you are resentful over a present I am sure that an outing will not be problem free either. Good luck!

 

[KirstenB]

I'm confused when you say you buy 6 gifts and they only buy 1. Wouldn't they be buying 4 (everyone's buying for other nieces/nephews, or is this incorrect?). You're still buying more gifts, but not that many more.

Our rule is to buy for nieces/nephews. However, dh and I also buy for the siblings who don't have kids. I have 5 brothers and sisters, 3 of whom have children. The 2 aunties without kids have always been very generous, so I buy gifts for them and their husbands (I know I'm not exactly followign the rules, but it seems fair).

Anyway, if it's become more burden than fun, then definitely suggest a change. As our family gets bigger, buying gifts for all the nieces and nephews is definitely going to get very expensive. Maybe we'll need to change our traditions too.

 

[tzolkin]

I'm confused when you say you buy 6 gifts and they only buy 1. Wouldn't they be buying 4 (everyone's buying for other nieces/nephews, or is this incorrect?). You're still buying more gifts, but not that many more.

They're from two different sides of the family (her sibling and his sibling). So each family is only buying a gift for OP's child.

 

[clownchk]

what are your expectations?

My oldest sister had 4 kids and 4 grandchildren. My next oldest sister has 2 kids and 7 grandchildren, my brother only has a teen, my next sister only has a 4 YO, I have 3 kids and my little sister has 3 teens and a 18 month old. We buy for "everyone" but not each individual. Make sense?

My DH and I spend $50-$75 per family. If we get individual kid gifts, that comes out of the total spend per family.

So my married niece that has 4 kids - we choose to get them a family gift.

My married niece that has 2 kids, everyone gets individual gifts valued $15-20 each.

My sisters & Brother all get individual gifts valued $25-35 each, Their souses will get gifts valued in the same range.

My parents get gifts in the $75 -$100 range.

Do we keep it exactly even? no. Do we try to make it fair? yes. Do we expect gifts of like value in return? no. My Married niece with 4 kids barely scrapes by paycheck to pay check. I rarely get even a card from them. My nice with 2 kids is doing very well. We tend to spend a touch more on them, and get great gifts in return. We also socialize my them more than the other niece, so that is a bigger factor to us. We do not give based on what we expect back, we tend to give more to those we see more.

We also are bargain hunters, so I may only spend $10 on BIL gift, but its value may be $25. I do not go out and spend any more on him. I may spend $20 on one nephew, but only $12 on his brother, but if they are gifts they will LOVE, who cares? I also spend less on infants. Yes, they get a gift, but I see no point of lavishing them with gifts they not only will not remember, but have no clue on the significance of. I'd rather get the parents a better gift.

I think you need to decide how/ why you are giving and then let go of the guilt. Plan your budget and stick with it.

 

[jenndisney]

We also have an only and my sister has two kids. I had never thought about this until now, but here is how I look at it.....She may only be buying for my one, but she also has santa and from mom and dad to buy for her two. She ends up spending more at the end of the day. It is Christmas and I buy the gifts because I want to.

That being said, for the adults we stopped the gift exchange 12 years ago. Instead, we pitch in XX dollars to the pot and decide what to do as a group. The first year, we went to dinner and Toy Story. The next year we got tickets for the Nutcracker. Another year when things were tight for part of us, we gave the money to mom to offset her food bill with all of us coming home. Some years it is $25 per person, and other years it has been more. After loosing my dad this year, we are so glad we were able to think about the fun TIME we had together instead of a bunch of stuff we gave each other.

 

[brandylouwho]

Honestly, when gift giving starts to cause resentment, I think we have forgotten what Christmas is really about. I don't say this to be mean to the OP, as we ran into an issue this year too and it bothered my hubby and I, but then we decided to step back and put it all into perspective.

slightly OT:One of my brothers is my child's godfather. Her birthday is Dec 17th, but since we were at Disney we didn't have a big party this year. As of yet she has received NOTHING for her birthday nor Christmas from him. Our other child didn't get anything for Christmas from him either. We saw him on Christmas day and the day after. He had even said at Thanksgiving that the girls would be getting gift cards from the store he works at for Christmas. So that makes it all the stranger. His wife did mention casually in passing that money is tight (they had a baby this year). I assume this is the reason, but I wish he would have pulled me aside and explained. Heck, I lost my job this year & am still unemployed, I understand! Anyway, my daughter hasn't seemed to notice, so I don't think her feelings were hurt. His baby's birthday is in January and my hubby doesn't want to give her anything. I am not that sort of person...so I explained my Rule#1 to him:

Rule #1:Give what you want (nothing, alot, something in between) and don't expect anything back. A gift is just that, something given freely from the heart. When it becomes an expectation or a chore it is no longer a true gift.


There is nothing wrong with suggesting an outing or to stop giving gifts all together. We no longer give gifts to our siblings, as it seemed to be an exchange of gift cards or money each year.

We still give to the kids. I plan to do so until they are 18 or so. Just making the time to get together during the holidays is a feat in itself (work schedules, a divorce w/ a child splitting time between houses, a remarriage adding another "in-laws" into the mix). The time together is well appreciated by all.

I think gift giving time can be stressful, especially when people don't know what to give or don't have a lot of money (you never really know who has & does not have money...as some live frugally and hoarde their funds, other live luxuriously on credit, etc.)

 

[ladulce]

I have 4 children. I have 2 sisters- one has 2 adult daughters and 2 teen step-kids, the other has 4 children roughly the same ages as mine. What our family has decided to do is that we buy for everyone, but, spend $10 on everyone over 18, and, $20 on everyone under 18. This includes spouses, step-children, etc. The "grand total" that we are buying for becomes (in my opinion) significant. I would SO SO SO prefer to do an outing together or do a gift exchange or anything. This way is annoying to me, as, none of us NEED anything, and, really, we just buy junk to clutter one anothers' house. I started doing gift cards, but, I am the only one.......

 

[rt2dz]

I haven’t read all the replies, only skimmed a few.

It sounds as though the money may be the hang up with the ungratefulness as a side note. I could be wrong. I get the ungratefulness; I have a sibling who is very ungrateful and has three equally ungrateful kids. I quit spending a lot of money or time on their gifts because I hate giving to them. Every gift comes with a complaint and never a “thank you.” This year I did a family basket. I put in a family DVD (from the Wal-Mart bargain bin) and a Blockbuster gift card, I threw in some microwave popcorn, three 2-liters of soda, and some dollar store candy. The whole thing cost me around $20. I wrapped it up to look big and impressive.

I have another sibling who is a single mom. I buy for her kids well. She’s gone back to school and her ex does not pay his court ordered child support—instead he chooses to go to jail. How dare she use the toilet paper that money bought? Her kids are wonderfully thankful. They get something they need and some cash (not given in front of my other sister’s kids); they also each get a present chosen for them.

I’ve been buying for both since before I had kids. Meaning they didn’t spend anywhere near as much on me. Was I resentful for that? No. I give what I want because I want to. There is no gun to my head. And heck, when I didn’t have any kids, I had way, way more disposable income than they had. Giving shouldn’t be tit for tat. My third sibling has no children; I buy a nice gift for him.

I suggest either a family gift if money is a concern. Suggests a day out together might be good too, but if you do that, it should be 100% on their schedule and tailored to their interests—all at your cost. You might want to also consider a membership—zoo, museum, etc. Sometimes those are pretty inexpensive. I know our zoo was offering gift memberships for others at a discounted rate (economy related, I assume). You could also suggest a gift exchange--one for the kids and one for the adults. That's what DH's family does.

 

[dahrjo]

I love the outing idea mentioned!! I just figured out we could probably pool together about $500. I think the kids would love to do a two night stay somewhere!

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I have 3. My sister has one and my brother doesn't have any. I buy for my niece and then I get my sister and brother a nice gift. Sometimes they get me a small gift but when money is tight they do not. It has always seemed to work out. They have never complained about having to buy for my 3 but I always try and make sure that I spend close to what they are spending. It really isn't about money or what is fair but it is just what I feel comfortable with.