? for anyone with elderly parents.........

[snowwhitesmom]

......how do you not take the nastiness that sometimes comes, personally? The nurses all tell me not to, but.......

 

[Miller1412]

My mom is going through that right now with my 85 year old grandmother. She has been downright hateful. My mom and aunt do everything for her and she is so nasty and critical. They hold their tongues as best they can and vent to each other and to their daughters. Good luck to you. I know it is not easy...

 

[mickeyfan1]

My mother turned 88 on the 12th. She is beginning to get old, long lives run in her family. She has never been mean or nasty, nor were any of her aunts, uncles, or grandparents. I visited her aunt when she was in a nursing home at age 95. While she didn't remember me, she was not ever nasty, except that she insisted she was going to walk home "tomorrow" and kick her brother's *** (she NEVER swore in her life) for not cleaning her house! Of course she wasn't able to do that, and we just told her that was probably a good idea.

I think some of the meaness comes from frustration. A person who was vibrant in their ypunger years who finds themselves in a hospital or a nursing home and isn't able to do what they could before, it has to be hard. As long as you can vent to others and not react, that is the best thing to do.

 

[rockin_rep]

Oh Michelle, i've been there, lots. I'm so sorry you are, too.

Something that really helped me is remembering that i was their *safe place*, where they could be totally free to express their anger, hurt and frustration, even if i wasn't the cause of it (i usually wasn't). Similar to the way spouses or our teen dd's (!!) use us as their safe place. They say we always hurt the ones we love, because they know we will still love them! So in a sad sort of way, it's a compliment they so freely express their feelings.

Its always tough to find the balance w/ kids, factoring in the respect factor etc., but with aging parents i learned to just overlook (or try to). And i prayed alot. We're starting to see some of this behavior with DH's dad now, sigh, so i'm still praying!

And i realize our kids are watching how i deal, and i hope my role modeling will help them someday know how to best deal with DH and i....if we ever get like that

Hang in there, take it a day at a time, and take time for yourself.

 

[barkley]

you also need to know that both strokes and the natural aging process can cause changes to the part of the brain that handles "emotional controls". a healthy brain has mechanisms that allow us to think and feel things but not voice them out loud, if this part of the brain is injured (stroke or a head injury) or impaired (some with aging, and some medications regularly used by the elderly) it is not within the person's ability to control what they say.

my grandmother was completly aware of herself and her surroundings in her later years but when she began to reminise about certain events in her life it was as though she was reliving them-all of the anger, frustration...just poured out and was hurled at whomever was at hand.

 

[snowwhitesmom]

Thank you, everyone. I knew my friends on the DIS would have good advice, and you did. Every one of you who responded had a comment that helped. Thank you - now I am off to see my Mom - and even if she isn't "herself" today, I know she is still "Mom", and I am doing my best. Thanks again.

 

[Zurealsoon]

My Mom is going through a "poor Me"" as she is homebound. A constant tally is kept on how often we all e-mail her, who visits most, and all of us get updates.
She also constantly complaines that people don't visit her.I try to tune most of it out.

 

[Chris2597]

My mom turned 86 yesterday and is going through some of what the above posters said. She is housebound because of numerous health issues and recovering from a hip fracture. She tallies our visits, underestimates the time I spend with her....I can spend the entire day, appts, hair, helping at the house and when it comes time to leave....she totally guilts me, saying I havent taken any tiem with her...
I have also noticed that she has developed an edginess....she has gotten more demanding in her tone.

 

[zippeedee]

As sad as it is to hear these stories, I am happy for the advice and to know I am not alone in this. My mom is 87, lives alone, has health issues and is homebound. My brother and his wife live in Florida and he visits twice a year or so. We just got her to give up her car "for the winter".
I was unable to see her on Thanksgiving because I was in isolation after my thryroid cancer treatments. I worked as hard as I could to give her a nice Christmas at my house, and she spent the day sighing and making comments like "My daughter-in-law must hate me, look at these terrible presents" and "I don't care if I die tomorrow".
Well thanks Mom! Don't look at the nice things I tried to do, just focus on the ones that aren't here and what you don't have!
The high point of my day was when I found out she gave my chihuahua half her dinner when he threw up on my knee in the car when I was taking her home. I appreciate the comment about being their "safe place", that makes a lot of sense. It's nice just to have you guys to vent to.

 

[barkley]

one of the best things that happened for both my mom and our family was when she decided to move from her home into a senior apartment (it provides assisted living when/if she needs it). her health and attitude have so improved-i credit it to her eating regular balanced meals (always just snacked at home) and interacting with others (even if it's just when she goes down for meals or the housekeepers come in once a week to clean). i've seen a tremendous change in her for the better-i think being with and talking to other seniors has provided her with the opportunity to personaly compare and reflect on her circumstances as they compare with others. she has taken to making more decisions on her own (prev. would have delegated to one of us) and taking more responsibility for her own health (use to wait until she was so ill that every trip to the doctor meant a trip to the hospital for a week or more).

it's also been a tremendous stress reducer for me-i know that she is somewhere that if she is'nt seen for meals someone will check in to see if she's o.k., i know if she needs something at the store there are means to get it today (vs when myself or a sibling could make the 2 hour trip to her home).

it was difficult for her to make the decision to move from her home, but in hindsight she agrees it was the best move.

 

[Marseeya]

My mom is 73 going on 90 and she's been nasty her entire life. She's actually a good bit nicer to me now than she ever was in the past, but my poor dad is getting the brunt of it and now he's turning nasty. She's so abusive to him and now he's changing so much -- he's just plain miserable.

I like the whole idea of a "safe place," but then where do we turn for our safe place?

Oh wait... the DIS, of course.

 

[Zurealsoon]

one of the best things that happened for both my mom and our family was when she decided to move from her home into a senior apartment (it provides assisted living when/if she needs it). her health and attitude have so improved-i credit it to her eating regular balanced meals (always just snacked at home) and interacting with others (even if it's just when she goes down for meals or the housekeepers come in once a week to clean). i've seen a tremendous change in her for the better-i think being with and talking to other seniors has provided her with the opportunity to personaly compare and reflect on her circumstances as they compare with others. she has taken to making more decisions on her own (prev. would have delegated to one of us) and taking more responsibility for her own health (use to wait until she was so ill that every trip to the doctor meant a trip to the hospital for a week or more).

it's also been a tremendous stress reducer for me-i know that she is somewhere that if she is'nt seen for meals someone will check in to see if she's o.k., i know if she needs something at the store there are means to get it today (vs when myself or a sibling could make the 2 hour trip to her home).

it was difficult for her to make the decision to move from her home, but in hindsight she agrees it was the best move.

This sounds wonderful.

 

[Chris2597]

I wish the option for a sr apt, with assistance was available to my mom, but #1 she insists on staying in her home and #2 the cost is prohibitive....The cost for a decent sr apt in my city is in upwards of 3k a month....this is a very small apt with an efficiecy kitchen, 2 meals a day can be taken in the dining room, and transportation, if needed to dr appt.
I have been caring for my parents since 1991 (dad has been gone sine 1995), keeping them in their own home...It can be rewarding but more often very trying....especially when my sibs refuse to help in anyway.
My children dont remember a time when the GP's were not being cared for..My children are 27-19-17..Adult children that care for aged/ill parents give up a lot and much of the time is is a thankless job....we have not had a vacation that I didnt have to arrange care, worry about the care and/or cancel plans at the last minute because the care fell through or because mom got sick....
I am tired of being the "good daughter",,, why cant I be like my sister and brother and just ignore the whole thing and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[snowwhitesmom]

Because you love your parents. Just try to remember the first aid rule - you can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself.

 

[Chris2597]

You are so right about taking care of yourself....I am going to make this a priority in 06....It will be hard but I know I am about at the burn out point....My biggest fear is that I will have spent my entire adult life caring for my parents and never getting to do the things that I want for myself or my family. We have given up so much to make sure my mom has what she needs as far as someone around....We have never spent a holiday away from home or with dh's family....Now we have 2 grandchildren that live out of state and I fear that we will miss so much with them because we wont be able to leave mom....

 

[barkley]

we had similar (actualy mom did) concerns about the cost of sr. housing. but when we crunched the numbers and figured in her mortgage, taxes, insurance, upkeep (and the house was at that age where it was always something that needed to be done), utilities (and again an older home-always ran a small fortune to heat),transportation (she had been using taxis for dr. and the shopping trips she could'nt get others to help out with) and 2 meals per day...it actualy worked out that she spends less per month now (and my mom's apt. is running for about 3K per month too).

she ended up selling the house and banking the equity to make up the difference each month in what her small pension and social security cover.

it's def. not an option for everyone or in every situation, but for ours at least it has made such a remarkable change for the better.

i concede it was a major hurrdle to get her to sell her home and dip into her savings-she is of the mindset that she MUST leave money or property to her kids, but i think it finaly sunk in when i took ill and was unable to help out as much (plus i have 2 little ones who would be much better served with the extra time being spent with them). don't let yourself get sick over this-if you are floored with an illness arrangements for someone other than you will be required, and can end up costing much for (financialy and emotionaly) than addressing the problem head on now.

hugs

 

[Chris2597]

You are so right....and thankfully I have found a companion for her that comes in 3 days a week or as much as required. Mom really fussed about the expense at first but is now resolved that it is permanent....My brother and sister live about 1200 miles away and have never volunteered to pick up the slack during vacations or respite time for my family....However they go on their fab vacations and weekend retreats....They dont feel it is their duty....However they worry that she is spending her $$ for care or household repairs....I dont know how they can be this way....