Fmil...

[MistressOfAllEvil]

has now decided to wear the wedding colors... Red and Black. But it's not the same red, it's a clashing red. And she wanted her corsage as a pin on and I'm pretty set on red roses for the corsages so that will clash too for sure. I'm annoyed. Should I be? Or should I let it go?? Really... the only red is being worn by DF so that he stands out in his own way. And then all the flowers are red roses. I almost feel like she's going to detract from him now. And clash in pictures. She hasn't even waited to see what my mom is going to wear yet, what color or style or anything. What to do, what to do...

 

[cavecricket]

Ouch!

The more I read about other FMIL's the more I appreciate mine.

Does she know your DF is in red to stand out? thats the only advice I can give.

I would tell her,

We are trying to keep the colors organized and more red just wont work. Maybe she can do red accents if she is dead set on red?

Or, just set her dress on fire before hand and have a back-up ready in the color you want! lol

good luck!

 

[caryndisneydiva]

i agree with cavecricket, i'd just be up front and honest, it's RUDE of her to not let your mother pick out her outfit first!!! not that i would say it like that, but...you know...i've had some similar situations, mine being mostly with the rehearsal dinner and it got so out of hand that i made df deal with it. i feel like i'm not family yet, so i let him deal with his parents for the most part. maybe he can say something to her.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I've had major MIL problems through my almost ten years of marriage. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings at all when I say you may want to pick your battles (it does sound like she's at the very least socially clueless). If it's simply a matter of your FMIL not being aware of the overall theme, then maybe you could say something along the lines of "The dress you picked is sooo pretty, but I was hoping to have DH be the only one in red...I want him to stand out just as much as me."

If she's set on wearing that particular dress or is fundamentally unapproachable, then I would drop it. The pictures with her in them will most likely be in your album and not on your wall or mantle. They probably won't be an everyday part of your lives.

 

[tlhbdm]

It is a big deal, but I had this same exact problem with my FMIL and I just decided to change my wedding colors, because everybody wanted to wear navy and that was supposed to be the color of the bm dresses so I changed them to silver. I have so many problems with my fmil and so all I can say is pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff cause it will get worse over time, DF and I have been together for 5 years next Friday and she has NEVER liked me so just let the small things go, maybe suggest for her to look at maybe like a silver dress or something, I would have your DF talk to her about it though.

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

I was thinking of having her show me the top (it's not even a dress... it's a top that she plans on wearing with a dressy palozzo pant in black, after I said that a white pant in february at a wedding was prolly not a good idea) this weekend and then mention how her corsage isn't going to match and that DF is the only one wearing red... and kind of just hint around it and see what she says. They also want to get FFIL a red tie.

 

[Swmhc]

I will reiterate what others have said with regards to picking your battles. Like has already been mentioned, she will be in very few formal photos, so if she wants to wear red and clash, let her. It will be on her and not you. This is the day for you and your DF to shine. As long as you two are beaming with love and happiness, nothing else really matters.

My MOH ordered her dress from a shop near her instead of where I ordered the other stuff due to a 6 hour travel distance. We were 2 months out and her shop went out of business and she couldn't reach them about her dress. There wasn't time to order another one, so I was like "well, we will find something on the rack at David's Bridal." She thought I was on drugs because I wasn't all bridezilla on her. Hey, it's only a small part of the day, don't sweat it. It's not worth stressing yourself out about.

 

[mla1977]

If she insists on wearing red, offer to go shopping with her with a swatch (sp?) of the red that DF is wearing. When one of my friends got married, I was "part" of the wedding party (she had already picked all of her bridesmaids before we met), but she took a swatch of the BM material with us to find me a dress so that it would be clear that I was part of the wedding. My dress ended up being black with flowers that matched the BM dresses perfectly.

I can understand wanting DF to stand out and you do have a certain amount of control over what his mom decides to wear, but what if some guests wear red too?

 

[Kristen14]

I think this is the first post i've seen where people have admitted to having problems with their FMIL's! I dont feel so alone anymore!

If the color scheme is important to you, then just tell her so... but use phrases like "it'll mean a lot to me" that way she feels like she's doing you a favor instead of you telling her what to do.

My DF and I are the only ones wearing white (he has a black tux but white vest & tie) and if anyone tried to do the same I would be a little upset. It's basic etiquette not to wear the same colors as the bride or wedding party.

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

Ugh, so I totally chickened out about saying anything when I saw the top this weekend. And it's not even that nice or dressy. I have no idea what she's thinking But hey, I guess that means that my mom will shine that much more. I did tell her she couldn't do a pin on corsage anymore b/c it prolly won't match and that I'll have to change that. It took a lot out of me to be to just bite my tounge when she was trying on her outfit. I couldn't bring myself to give her any praise. I guess I'm just going to let it go.

So, then we were having dinner and she totally flipped out on me when she asked if there was going to be dancing and I said no!?! DF and I aren't big dancers, we wanted a smaller wedding and just a simple dinner reception. This is a big part of why we chose an escape wedding. How she didn't understand up until this point that there wasn't going to be dancing, idk?!? So then she wants to know if we can have a musician or something at the dinner. Ummmm... NO. We're going to be in the wine room at Jiko. We're having an intimate dinner. That's it. Jeesh.

The problem with FMIL is that she's sooo wishy-washy. She'll say something is fine and then totally change her mind a million times back and forth. When I explain to her something isn't going to be a certain way that she wants it, she gets all emotional and bristle-y. Like a porcupine! She's still peeved that she can't invite 30+ of her Florida snow bird friends to our welcome dinner! She keeps saying, well, I'm paying for it, I should be able to invite who I want. How wrong is that to invite more than double the number of guest of the wedding to the welcome dinner, especially when our wedding guests are coming with out bf/gf or spouses. We have some really amazing friends making great sacrafices to be there during our wedding events. The welcome dinner in lieu of a rehersal dinner is a way to thank those guests. Not a bunch of snow bird retirees who are her friends and have nothing to do with our intimate event. So every two weeks, I have to reexplain to her why it would probably be a bad idea and somewhat of an insult to those traveling to our wedding. UGH.

Don't get me wrong. I love and care for FMIL a lot. Her son and I have been together for 11 years. At first we didn't get along at all, but now we manage quite well. Sometimes though, I just need an outlet for the frustration I feel when her oppressive, old-school, old country ways come out. LOL.

 

[Kristen14]

I know exactly what you mean about the old fashioned views! My FMIL is one of the meanest people I've ever met. DF isnt speaking to her right now, but I'm trying my darnest to make her like me! She invited 75% of our wedding guests and she is paying for none of it! We couldve had an escape wedding if she didnt absolutely have to invite 75 people. I figured she'd pitch in a bit since it's mostly her family coming, but she refuses to pay for anything, even though we've tried to point out that my parents are retired and she owns 3 businesses.

 

[mla1977]

It must be tough. I am already expecting to have problems with DBF's mom. That is part of the reason that I want to have a DFTW. She won't travel that far. Also, she generally refuses to be anywhere that his step father is. I'd rather have him there with DBF's brother than have her there. I guess I'll worry about it later though.

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

I know exactly what you mean about the old fashioned views! My FMIL is one of the meanest people I've ever met. DF isnt speaking to her right now, but I'm trying my darnest to make her like me! She invited 75% of our wedding guests and she is paying for none of it! We couldve had an escape wedding if she didnt absolutely have to invite 75 people. I figured she'd pitch in a bit since it's mostly her family coming, but she refuses to pay for anything, even though we've tried to point out that my parents are retired and she owns 3 businesses.

I'm sorry to hear your FMIL is so mean. I know it's hard to navigate such a tricky relationship.

DF's mom really is 'old' school. She's from Italy. Came over about 40 years ago, she'll be 69 next month. And sometimes I think she thinks time stopped there when she left. She thinks so much is wrong with America and that "that would happen at home" but then she calls the old country and learns that there are unwed couples living together!!!

My MOH is DF's sister, so to get FMIL off my back about the dancing, MOH had to say, "don't worry mom, when your daughter gets married [referring to herself], you can have all the things you want."

She's not exactly mean, but she loves loves loves loves to play the wounded underdog martyr. It's a pretty thin act. Guilt to get what you want, i'm not buying into it. She had her wedding her way. DF and I are having our wedding our way.

 

[Kristen14]

That was nice of your sister in law to deflect the pressure off you! You absolutely should have your wedding the way you want it! I'm getting sick of trying to please others on my day, but I've learned to put on a smile and nicely explain that they would be doing me a huge favor if they helped me out, or that it would mean a lot to me, etc. It seems that people are much more willing to do things your way if they feel important.

 

[mla1977]

I just realized that my last post might make me sound like a horrible person! DBF's mom is extremely difficult and the main reason that I wouldn't want to include her in any plans is because I wouldn't expect her to show. When DBF went through his RCIA ceremony, his mom didn't even show up and then had the nerve to bad mouth friends of ours who did show up.

I'm sorry that FMIL is adding to your stress though. Do you think FSIL can help you with the dress issue too? My mom would be more likely to listen to me than to someone else. Maybe FSIL has a way of talking to her that would make sense. Or maybe when your mom picks out her dress she will change her mind about what she wants to where so that she will be dressed more appropriately.

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

I'm sorry that FMIL is adding to your stress though. Do you think FSIL can help you with the dress issue too? My mom would be more likely to listen to me than to someone else. Maybe FSIL has a way of talking to her that would make sense. Or maybe when your mom picks out her dress she will change her mind about what she wants to where so that she will be dressed more appropriately.

Unfortuantely, FSIL is sometimes just as oblivious. She was actually with FMIL when she bought the top. They're just so "proud" of the top that I can't even say anything about it. No one sees a problem with it but me. I don't know for sure, but they may have actually been try to find something for FMIL to "match" the wedding! I haven't said anything but maybe I might say something to FSIL somewhere down the line. I don't know. I guess I should let it go. But every time I think about it, it upsets me.