First Major Dilemma...

[Petals & Pixie Dust]

So, mom and I have decided to do a little pre-planning..What the heck right? According to BF it's just a matter of getting the metal and stones to go with the whole thing...So, if, in his mind, our engagement is a done deal....Then, why shouldn't I be planning...at least a little.

So, my mom and I have breakfast and crack into some magazines. We are still on the path for the perfect dress...and have found a couple of prospects...Which is good b/c we can't shop together well.

The topic of dates came up and I tell my mom we want to do this during value season. It's cheaper and BF HATES waiting in lines. So, I tell her that value seasons are Jan-Feb, Aug-Oct, Nov 30-Dec 18. I don't want to get married Jan-Feb b/c 1. it is too close to Xmas and my B'day is Valentine's Day-that would put all of the major holidays and our anniversary all together and nothing to look forward to through out the year. Aug.-too hot. Neither side of the family does well in really hot weather. Oct.-BF's sister got married. I would feel bad...but would consider asking her if she would mind if we got married during that month...The reason I would do this is b/c her husbands sister got married the same time the following year...and let's just say...Her in-laws are something you would see in a movie.

My mother says, "Well, those dates don't work for me. I have book rush and you'll have to work around that." Um..Excuse me...So, I reply...in my most calm voice, "What is more important...missing one book rush/return...or your ONLY DAUGHTERS/ONLY CHILD'S wedding?" She says, "Well, I have responsibilities." Um again, "But I am your only child..." She replies, "But I still have responsibilities, and Feb works best for me." Well, that is the only person that Feb works for. I don't want to get married right before my birthday...I don't want to do the (said really fast) Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years, Wedding, birthday thing....I just want it to be a day of it's own. Am I asking my mother too much in the entire time that she has worked as a textbook manager, to make this ONE DAY a higher priority then being at a job that she hates??? Did I miss something here?

UM...***... am I not important??? This seems to be the theme in my family. When it comes to their only child, I seem to take a backseat to everything else. So, I'm guessing that I will have to sick dad on her...As dad has gotten older he has turned into a softy...Which means that I will be able to say, "Dad ***. Can you knock some sense into her?" At which point-he will...or at least try to.

I'm sorry this is so long. It seems like everything else will go more than smoothly. It is just this one thing. (right now) I know there are no definate plans (no ring yet) but how can a mother say something so cruel? How can a mother be the one force that can't just say, "This is my daughter and I need to be there for her." And it isn't like she has a hard *** for a boss either...He would understand, he has kids and grandkids of his own...

Again, I apologize...I just had to vent. Thanks.

 

[figmentcookie]

Congrats on your impending engagement! I'm an only child too, so I understand where you're coming from. I hope a little bit of my insight can help!

Although you are the only daughter and you have been working on planning your wedding for a long time, your mother has potentially been thinking about this day even longer than you have. It's bound to happen that you and her will disagree on some things with the wedding. Yes, it is your wedding, but she's one of the people that will most likely be there to help you out the most during the wedding planning process. During planning, things don't always go as you suspect they will, and it won't be as smooth or straightforward as you think it will be, so you will need an ally to help you with any problems with vendors or whatever will invariably pop up.

Let her know that you'll take her concerns about the date into consideration. If she's going to be really busy at work, take it seriously. If she has a prior commitment to work, perhaps she's concerned that her job would be in jeapordy or she would lose business, which wouldn't look good for her. The bottom line is, if she's stressed about it now, way before the wedding even happens, there is a good chance she may be stressed on your actual wedding day or the days leading up to your wedding. So, more stress for her will mean more stress on you. Working on keeping my mother happy during my planning process has been a very important factor. At that point, you'll be appreciate having the least amount of drama going on around you possible.

Plus, just to let you know, using the phrase, "it's your ONLY DAUGHTERS/ONLY CHILD'S wedding?" hasn't really ever worked for me during the planning process. If I'm in the middle of a disagreement with her, pulling out this particular guilt card just makes her dig her heels in more. Use that phrase with care and only when you really need it.

And yes, people should be very excited about your special day. It's not about the fact that "am I not important???" or "to make this ONE DAY a higher priority then being at a job that she hates??? Did I miss something here?" What I've found is that no one will be as excited about your wedding (or take what you're trying to do here as seriously) as you are.

Don't fret too much just yet, you've got some fun stuff ahead of you (like the actual engagement!). Enjoy this special time before you get into the serious planning.

 

[jennifaerie]

They always say you're supposed to take your family members into account when you get married, but I totally threw that out the window when we picked our date. We were going to Disney World already, so we just made our date right before we left. I didn't ask anyone if it worked.

It could be because my family doesn't do anything, so they wouldn't have plans. It did turn out that my sister-in-law's cousin was getting married that weekend, but my sister-in-law told me sister-in-laws were more important than cousins, and that I shouldn't base my decision on this person I've never even met.

You need to do what works for you. If you think she won't bend and go, and it'll be upsetting for you, then you can work with that.

I could be biased, though. I have a tendency to believe you make your family, not just who you're related to, but who you love.

 

[IndyBride]

You know, I've read many brides with the same problem on here. Perhaps, I am more selfish but I thought of a date that was good for me. A date that I wanted. I did take into account school schedules- my sister's but that was it. If they want to be there they will be. And believe me: your mother will be there whether you get married on the busiest day of the year for her she will be there. Good luck to you!

 

[Petals & Pixie Dust]

Congrats on your impending engagement! I'm an only child too, so I understand where you're coming from. I hope a little bit of my insight can help!

Although you are the only daughter and you have been working on planning your wedding for a long time, your mother has potentially been thinking about this day even longer than you have. It's bound to happen that you and her will disagree on some things with the wedding. Yes, it is your wedding, but she's one of the people that will most likely be there to help you out the most during the wedding planning process. During planning, things don't always go as you suspect they will, and it won't be as smooth or straightforward as you think it will be, so you will need an ally to help you with any problems with vendors or whatever will invariably pop up.

Let her know that you'll take her concerns about the date into consideration. If she's going to be really busy at work, take it seriously. If she has a prior commitment to work, perhaps she's concerned that her job would be in jeapordy or she would lose business, which wouldn't look good for her. The bottom line is, if she's stressed about it now, way before the wedding even happens, there is a good chance she may be stressed on your actual wedding day or the days leading up to your wedding. So, more stress for her will mean more stress on you. Working on keeping my mother happy during my planning process has been a very important factor. At that point, you'll be appreciate having the least amount of drama going on around you possible.

Plus, just to let you know, using the phrase, "it's your ONLY DAUGHTERS/ONLY CHILD'S wedding?" hasn't really ever worked for me during the planning process. If I'm in the middle of a disagreement with her, pulling out this particular guilt card just makes her dig her heels in more. Use that phrase with care and only when you really need it.

And yes, people should be very excited about your special day. It's not about the fact that "am I not important???" or "to make this ONE DAY a higher priority then being at a job that she hates??? Did I miss something here?" What I've found is that no one will be as excited about your wedding (or take what you're trying to do here as seriously) as you are.

Don't fret too much just yet, you've got some fun stuff ahead of you (like the actual engagement!). Enjoy this special time before you get into the serious planning.

I like the thought of not making her stressed so I have less stress...good point. However, her job isn't the issue...They would more than understand. For her to say that her job comes before me was just a slap in the face. Sometimes, I feel like this is just too much work for her to be bothered with. You're very right on the no stress for mom = less stress for me. I just wish it didn't feel like I was such a burden.

This seems like the only thing that we disagree on. The budget is fine, in fact we are under, flower choices, fine, location, fine, ceremony, fine...Dress, a little sticky...More so because we don't shop together well. So, we have a plan. We have been looking for dresses in magazines and stuff and then looking at where we can purchase them...all in all not bad. Home reception-fine. Favors-fine. Everything-fine. Date-not so fine

They always say you're supposed to take your family members into account when you get married, but I totally threw that out the window when we picked our date. We were going to Disney World already, so we just made our date right before we left. I didn't ask anyone if it worked.

It could be because my family doesn't do anything, so they wouldn't have plans. It did turn out that my sister-in-law's cousin was getting married that weekend, but my sister-in-law told me sister-in-laws were more important than cousins, and that I shouldn't base my decision on this person I've never even met.

You need to do what works for you. If you think she won't bend and go, and it'll be upsetting for you, then you can work with that.

I could be biased, though. I have a tendency to believe you make your family, not just who you're related to, but who you love.

I've learned over time that you do make your family...It's easier that way. That's why 10 (maybe 11 if BF's bro doesn't break up with his She-Beast-NOW there is a story for the books!) Works best of us. But this...we'll have to work on. I don't know how, but we will.

You know, I've read many brides with the same problem on here. Perhaps, I am more selfish but I thought of a date that was good for me. A date that I wanted. I did take into account school schedules- my sister's but that was it. If they want to be there they will be. And believe me: your mother will be there whether you get married on the busiest day of the year for her she will be there. Good luck to you!

Thanks. I am sure that my father will do some persuading in this too.

Thank you for the replies...I guess we will see what happens.

 

[Cosi Bella]

When I was trying to pick a date for our wedding, we ran into a ton of road blocks. Everyone seemed to have a reason why a particular date wouldn't work for them. It was very frustrating! I tried accommodating my immediate family, so I can understand why you feel torn. You want the date to work with your mom, but you also want your mom to work with you; after all, this is YOUR day. What you decide should be good enough for everyone, and they should all work around your schedule. That being said, I think with a destination wedding and people traveling, you do have to take into account everyones schedule somewhat, and try and plan around it to a degree. Ultimately though, you're going to find that trying to find a date that works for everyone is not going to happen, as much as you want it to!!! lol I think the best you can do is find a date that works for MOST, its really the only solution that has worked out for us. Good luck and I hope that what ever date you choose, you and your mom are happy with it. I'm sure if you decide to go with what you want, even if your mom is unhappy with it at first, she'll come around.

 

[Petals & Pixie Dust]

When I was trying to pick a date for our wedding, we ran into a ton of road blocks. Everyone seemed to have a reason why a particular date wouldn't work for them. It was very frustrating! I tried accommodating my immediate family, so I can understand why you feel torn. You want the date to work with your mom, but you also want your mom to work with you; after all, this is YOUR day. What you decide should be good enough for everyone, and they should all work around your schedule. That being said, I think with a destination wedding and people traveling, you do have to take into account everyones schedule somewhat, and try and plan around it to a degree. Ultimately though, you're going to find that trying to find a date that works for everyone is not going to happen, as much as you want it to!!! lol I think the best you can do is find a date that works for MOST, its really the only solution that has worked out for us. Good luck and I hope that what ever date you choose, you and your mom are happy with it. I'm sure if you decide to go with what you want, even if your mom is unhappy with it at first, she'll come around.

Thank you. I guess I don't see this as just MY day...it is mine and BF's so...really...it's OUR day. He wants to be there during a value season. He likes not having to deal with huge crowds and the prices are better for travel. His sister and BIL will be joining us (duh-obviously) and he wants to make it as little of a hassle for everyone traveling. I see his point...my dad hates waiting in lines, I hate waiting in lines...We just want to go and enjoy the parks too... I guess we will have to wait and see what happens. Thank you again for the good thoughts.

 

[alissa2008]

You know, I've read many brides with the same problem on here. Perhaps, I am more selfish but I thought of a date that was good for me. A date that I wanted. I did take into account school schedules- my sister's but that was it. If they want to be there they will be. And believe me: your mother will be there whether you get married on the busiest day of the year for her she will be there. Good luck to you!

I agree. This is one day that you're allowed to be selfish.

This is the date. Be there, or don't be there.

Good luck! And congrats!!!!

 

[Petals & Pixie Dust]

I agree. This is one day that you're allowed to be selfish.

This is the date. Be there, or don't be there.

Good luck! And congrats!!!!

Um...how do I say that when my parents are paying??? I know I have to compromise...I guess I'm frustrated that she would even THINK about putting work before me. Does that make sense??? Reading that makes me sound like an upset child...

I could really make her mad and just elope. But I can't do that. It is important that she is there for me...but for this day, you're right....I shouldn't be second best.