Fighting in school - update, post 5

[Magpie]

In light of the story about the 7yo and his nerf gun, I'm amazed at how underreactive my son's school is.

My 8th grade son came home today asking, "What's a solar plexus?"

While I was looking it up online, he casually mentioned that he got punched in his solar plexus twice today and his stomach's still sore.

Further questioning reveals that the first punch wasn't actually a punch - a girl ran into him accidentally and elbowed him. And while he was complaining about it, one of his friends (a boy he actually gets along well with) punches him in the same spot! I guess the temptation was too much to resist, what with my son rubbing it and saying it hurt.

So, anyway, my normally mild-tempered son takes strong exception to being punched and starts kicking his friend. There's grabbing and shoving and it's about to turn into a knock-down drag-out brawl, when they're both grabbed up by their collars by a teacher.

Says my son, sounding astonished, "I told the teacher what happened, and I didn't get in trouble AT ALL!"

His buddy had to go to the office for a stern talk, while my son got off scot free. He still can't believe it. And he's very pleased with himself.

But I'm drawing a bit of blank here on the whole parenting side of things. I'm glad the boy can stand up for himself, but I don't want him to get the idea that fighting is a good idea. Any advice?

 

[disneyjunkie]

I would let it go. Standing up for yourself is a good thing.

 

[Debbie7452]

I think I would give him a stern lecture about appropriate school behavior and make sure he understands that he's used up his "get out of jail free" card both at home and at school.

The actual fighting doesn't sound so bad, but the fact that he's pleased with himself might not bode well...

 

[Kathi OD]

I think I would give him a stern lecture about appropriate school behavior and make sure he understands that he's used up his "get out of jail free" card both at home and at school.

The actual fighting doesn't sound so bad, but the fact that he's pleased with himself might not bode well...

This.

 

[Magpie]

I think I would give him a stern lecture about appropriate school behavior and make sure he understands that he's used up his "get out of jail free" card both at home and at school.

The actual fighting doesn't sound so bad, but the fact that he's pleased with himself might not bode well...

Thanks...

But I appear to have missed my window, as my husband came home, heard the story, and immediately said, "Well done, lad!"

So, I talked to my husband about my concerns, and then we called the boy back and told him that there were two rules we needed him to follow, no matter what.

1. He will never be the first to throw a punch, kick, or make physical contact of any sort (thank you, Judge Judy!).

2. His response will always be equal to or less than what we done to him. His dad called it a "commensurate response". In other words, overreacting is not cool.

Then his dad said, "You stick to these rules, son, and I'll back you to the wall."

So that seems to be where we're at!

 

[hereyago]

My DF told me if someone hit me to pick up whatever I could, chair,etc and beat the crap back out of the kid and he would not get mad at me for getting in trouble at school.

I have told me DD the same thing. If a teacher is around and sees a kid hit my kid, they better jump in, if not then my DD will defend herself.

A couple months back, one of her classmates had her foot broken on purpose by another student as they were playing soccer for PE. This girl kicked the ball to the one girl and made her fall, then went over to her and kept stomping on her foot until it broke. The PE teacher finally saw what was happening, but the damage had been done. Then people who were in PE class were each questioned by the vice principal to see if there had been a case of bullying between these 2 to figure out why it happened.

The other day, DD came home and said: this boy got hit close to his eye by a girl who took a textbook and whacked him with it. So he had a big ol mark near his eye. The girl of course got in trouble. And I tell you as a female, if I had a son and anyone including a girl did that to him, "the don't hit a girl " thing would be out.

I told DD she better not start a fight, but I will have her back if she ends one. I don't condone turning the other cheek or waiting for someone to save you, if a teacher isn't in the room or can't see, let em have it. Protecting yourself is a good thing.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Thanks...

But I appear to have missed my window, as my husband came home, heard the story, and immediately said, "Well done, lad!"

Exactly what I would have done. Boys have to be willing to fight in order to avoid fighting.

 

[Magpie]

My DF told me if someone hit me to pick up whatever I could, chair,etc and beat the crap back out of the kid and he would not get mad at me for getting in trouble at school.

I have told me DD the same thing. If a teacher is around and sees a kid hit my kid, they better jump in, if not then my DD will defend herself.

A couple months back, one of her classmates had her foot broken on purpose by another student as they were playing soccer for PE. This girl kicked the ball to the one girl and made her fall, then went over to her and kept stomping on her foot until it broke. The PE teacher finally saw what was happening, but the damage had been done. Then people who were in PE class were each questioned by the vice principal to see if there had been a case of bullying between these 2 to figure out why it happened.

The other day, DD came home and said: this boy got hit close to his eye by a girl who took a textbook and whacked him with it. So he had a big ol mark near his eye. The girl of course got in trouble. And I tell you as a female, if I had a son and anyone including a girl did that to him, "the don't hit a girl " thing would be out.

I told DD she better not start a fight, but I will have her back if she ends one. I don't condone turning the other cheek or waiting for someone to save you, if a teacher isn't in the room or can't see, let em have it. Protecting yourself is a good thing.

My son's a big lad, broad shouldered and taller than most of the other boys (he's the third tallest in the class, despite being the youngest). If I ever told him to "beat the crap" out of a kid for hitting him, it would surely be my son who'd get blamed.

I think maybe it's different for boys, than it is for girls.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My DF told me if someone hit me to pick up whatever I could, chair,etc and beat the crap back out of the kid and he would not get mad at me for getting in trouble at school.

I have told me DD the same thing. If a teacher is around and sees a kid hit my kid, they better jump in, if not then my DD will defend herself.

A couple months back, one of her classmates had her foot broken on purpose by another student as they were playing soccer for PE. This girl kicked the ball to the one girl and made her fall, then went over to her and kept stomping on her foot until it broke. The PE teacher finally saw what was happening, but the damage had been done. Then people who were in PE class were each questioned by the vice principal to see if there had been a case of bullying between these 2 to figure out why it happened.

The other day, DD came home and said: this boy got hit close to his eye by a girl who took a textbook and whacked him with it. So he had a big ol mark near his eye. The girl of course got in trouble. And I tell you as a female, if I had a son and anyone including a girl did that to him, "the don't hit a girl " thing would be out.

I told DD she better not start a fight, but I will have her back if she ends one. I don't condone turning the other cheek or waiting for someone to save you, if a teacher isn't in the room or can't see, let em have it. Protecting yourself is a good thing.

What happened to the kicker/stomper? That's so disturbing! Please tell us there was justice for the kid that got the broken foot.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My son's a big lad, broad shouldered and taller than most of the other boys (he's the third tallest in the class, despite being the youngest). If I ever told him to "beat the crap" out of a kid for hitting him, it would surely be my son who'd get blamed.

I think maybe it's different for boys, than it is for girls.

Yeah, my son is far and away the biggest and tallest boy in his grade (8th). If he ever got into a real brawl, he would be the one in trouble.

He is allowed to hit back, and to fight back, but he also knows that we expect him to act with restraint because, even when acting in self defense, there can be dire consequences for an over-reaction.

 

[hereyago]

My son's a big lad, broad shouldered and taller than most of the other boys (he's the third tallest in the class, despite being the youngest). If I ever told him to "beat the crap" out of a kid for hitting him, it would surely be my son who'd get blamed.

I think maybe it's different for boys, than it is for girls.

Girls are just as bad and they fight dirty. The girl almost came close to hitting the guy's eye. And the girl who continually stomped on the other girl's foot, that is dirty as well. SO maybe the aspect of who is bigger wouldn't matter in a girl scenario, but they do fight dirty. if someone hits another person and don't care about the size of the other person, turn about if fair play.

And your son didn't get in trouble, he didn't start the fight even though he was bigger.

But how is the other guy and your son's friendship now?

 

[Magpie]

Exactly what I would have done. Boys have to be willing to fight in order to avoid fighting.

Well... you know, I think I agree with you!

There was a story on C-News about a mother suing a school system for failing to protect her boy from bullying (he ended up with a broken hand, ultimately). The article says it started with pushing and shoving, then ripping the boy's hood off, throwing his hat in the water, before escalating from there. He didn't tell anyone.

I said to my husband, "Well, at least we don't have to worry about our boy getting bullied like that." Because our boy pushes back, retrieves other kids hats, and regularly gives people a piece of his mind if he thinks they're being bullies. We'd be hearing about it long before it got to the "broken hand" state of affairs.

I reminded my son again of how important it is to document every incident on paper. We went through this a couple years ago when he was dealing with a bus bully. The school required three documented incidents before the kid could be ejected from the bus, but my son didn't speak up until the bully started punching him, and so that only counted as "Incident 1". It was an important lesson for my son.

 

[hereyago]

What happened to the kicker/stomper? That's so disturbing! Please tell us there was justice for the kid that got the broken foot.

Stomp girl was expelled. SHe had been suspended earlier in the year for a non stomp thing, but she meant to get this other girl. Never heard why she did it. but the girl would have to sometimes use a wheelchair because the school is kind of big and spread out,luckily there is a elevator for wheelchair excess to the 2nd floor,etc. so crutches were kind of rough. but this is in 7th grade.

 

[Hannathy]

think it was handled correctly . (although I would caution my son to try to resist punching back next time just cause some place he would be in as much trouble)
Unfortunately in our school district BOTH boys would have been suspended! yep even your son. You are not allowed to hit in any way another student and even if it is self defense it is an automatic suspension. Even in elementary school.
I don't agree with this rule and I have told both my kids that they are never to start a fight but they are not to stand there and take it without defending themselves.

My DD had a special needs girl in her 4th grade class that like to kick and hit the other kids and they were told they were NOT to do anything back to her and to just stand there. WEll we told our Dd that she was not to stand there and let her hurt her and she had our permission to defend herself and we would deal with the school.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Stomp girl was expelled. SHe had been suspended earlier in the year for a non stomp thing, but she meant to get this other girl. Never heard why she did it. but the girl would have to sometimes use a wheelchair because the school is kind of big and spread out,luckily there is a elevator for wheelchair excess to the 2nd floor,etc. so crutches were kind of rough. but this is in 7th grade.

If I were the injured girl's parent, I would have filed a police report and assault charges against the delinquent.

 

[Magpie]

Girls are just as bad and they fight dirty. The girl almost came close to hitting the guy's eye. And the girl who continually stomped on the other girl's foot, that is dirty as well. SO maybe the aspect of who is bigger wouldn't matter in a girl scenario, but they do fight dirty. if someone hits another person and don't care about the size of the other person, turn about if fair play.

And your son didn't get in trouble, he didn't start the fight even though he was bigger.

But how is the other guy and your son's friendship now?

I meant it's different in how far a kid can go in retaliation. I think girls are allowed to retaliate with more force than boys, especially big boys.

As for the friendship - I suspect my son and the other guy are cool. My son was amused that the other guy has to go to school early tomorrow for "the lecture", but he didn't sound as if he was holding any kind of grudge.

 

[hereyago]

I meant it's different in how far a kid can go in retaliation. I think girls are allowed to retaliate with more force than boys, especially big boys.

As for the friendship - I suspect my son and the other guy are cool. My son was amused that the other guy has to go to school early tomorrow for "the lecture", but he didn't sound as if he was holding any kind of grudge.

Ok, I am a dork. I bet your DS's friend won't be funny again.

 

[Magpie]

Stomp girl was expelled. SHe had been suspended earlier in the year for a non stomp thing, but she meant to get this other girl. Never heard why she did it. but the girl would have to sometimes use a wheelchair because the school is kind of big and spread out,luckily there is a elevator for wheelchair excess to the 2nd floor,etc. so crutches were kind of rough. but this is in 7th grade.

I'm glad to hear that she was expelled! And personally, I think assault charges would also be in order.

 

[Magpie]

Ok, I am a dork. I bet your DS's friend won't be funny again.

Maybe, maybe not! (I mean, maybe he'll be funny again, maybe he won't. You, on the other hand, are clearly not a dork!) They're teenaged boys after all. They're all goofballs.

 

[hereyago]

I'm glad to hear that she was expelled! And personally, I think assault charges would also be in order.

True, not sure if it was done, or if stomp girls parents paid for the girl's medical bills,etc. but what could be done with a 12 year old unless she commited murder? Juvie hall?